Am I mean? Wd like some perspective

[runningpram]

We have an elderly relative who around six months ago started asking for money every month. It's typically around £100 to £200 - so not a huge amount.

We also give elderly relative some money every month anyway to help them out.

We can sort of afford the extra but it means things like DC not doing activities, or me having to delay getting a coat or get hair cut. These aren't huge sacrifices I absolutely don't want relative going without and struggling, so don't mind in principle as elderly relative only has state pension plus other small pension - so is obviously badly impacted by cost of living.

However they do a lot of travelling around the country some times to see us but mostly to catch up with friends - which adds up to a lot.

I tried to talk to relative about this and they said in return they thought I owed them money for buying treats for DC when they came to visit, which they have never mentioned before. To be clear - treats are basically ice creams, snacks while out and about etc. We usually give cash for these but sometimes relatives has bought clothing (nothing massively expensive) without asking us but this has always been described as a present.

They have done a little childcare before but only when they are visiting us and it is a case of sitting on the couch with DC in bed and being on call if there is an emergency. We get DC ready for bed and DC have always gone to nursery. By contrast they have done huge amounts of full time childcare for other side of family - which is fair enough because they live closer. We always pay train fares etc if elderly relative comes down and stays.

The issue I'm having is the constant demands - they've even now started to ask when I'll get paid!! They don't ask other side of family for anything as they are not in position to help. This is fair enough but I work full time - which has been quite a sacrifice for me over the years and elderly relative has had the odd negative comment to say about this, which I've let go. DH's role isn't super well paid - so I keep our heads above water.

Recently things have come slightly to a head as elderly relative has announced they are going on an expensive holiday. They were initially suggesting I should 'loan' them the cash. They have now got the cash from elsewhere in the shape of a loan from a friend. Clearly it is their business but if they money requests start again - can I refuse? They have been given a sizeable loan and have chosen to spend it on a hol. HOWEVER this is a longed for holiday late in life

I honestly don't know if I am being a meanie or not. Elderly relative is a really kind loving person- I am actually a bit worried for them generally as this is all slightly out of character.

Am I a meanie or am I stupid and naive? Pls some perspective and kind advice on how to deal with this.

I wouldn't be happy about this and I would refuse the request.

My husband would have no problem with the request and happily give as long as we could afford.

It comes down to attitudes to 'living within your means' and people dont always agree.

I think there's no wrong or right. Do as you feel, and how you and your partner agree together.

If you're deferring spending on things like coats and haircuts for yourself, then no, of course you're not being mean. I often have to do that sort of thing myself, so I don't speak from the perspective of someone in a more secure financial position. It's nice to be able to give a little extra to an elderly relative, but this has become an expectation you can't sustain. And even if you had millions stashed away, it doesn't entitle anyone else to demand that you pay up.

If you can’t afford a coat or things for your children then you can’t afford it!

You need to tell them that you can't afford it any more. Supply the kids own treats if that is their reasoning though I doubt they spend hundreds there.

I can afford it in that it's not food or bills. However I would rather be able to save it or put it to a nice activity for DC. I guess that is preference not necessity though and it is hard to say no if someone can't actually eat for the week. Which is probably going to be the likely scenario post trip

If your DC are missing out on normal activities and you haven’t had a coat or haircuts then I think I would have to refuse. It doesn’t sound as though the money you’re giving is going on rent, fuel or food anyway.

I would though talk to DH about whether this relative still has cognition when it comes to their own finances. If there are no LPAs in place it might be time to try and get them set up now.

Put your dc first

How much are you giving each month? Sounds like get are taking the proverbial . I'd have to think very carefully about this situation. They've got used to you subsidising them and they will push back if you put in boundaries.
And why is it just you subsidising them?
Perhaps say you will help them formulate a budget or change suppliers for utilities/mobiles etc.
But you can't let your DC go without (even if it is fun stuff/savings for them)

Other side of family say they can't afford to - as they can't afford to pay for kids activities otherwise - ironically! However I have fewer kids and probably have slightly better financial circumstances

It is absolutely not your responsibility to provide money for elderly relatives, OP. You've already given them way too much....£200 per month is £2,400 per year. You'd have to earn much more than that to cover it, before tax.
You cannot keep giving them thousands of pounds - you need that money for yourself and your family.

Whilst I sympathise with the relative, and am looking at a retirement wirh
very little for luxuries myself I would never expect family to support me ( unless they were mega rich🤭) especially when it sounds like they are making
bad choices. YANBU

But they’re right to prioritise their kids activities.

Of course you should refuse. This is an unfair ask of someone with dependent children who should be putting them first. Draw a line. Tell them you've been doing this as you wanted to help, but that as the kids grow, their needs are greater and you now need to tighten up your family finances. So you won't be able to give more from now onwards, although you will always have love and time for them. In return ask them not to spend anymore on your kids as they don't need it.

Thank you. I will say to elderly relative that we are not in position to help if there is another request post trip. that is really difficult to do however. I think I will warn them before they go away. I am also worried that if I lose my job - I might still end up on the hook....

Why do you feel your preference is less important than their demand for your money? They sound like an absolute pisstaker and I’d have no qualms about telling them the bank of runningpram is now closed.

Buy nice Xmas present for relative. Tell them in the new year you won’t be able to give them any more money. And then DONT.

Lol - well I guess my preference is less important in that it's not about eat or heat. But point taken

Exactly how elderly is this relative? Can they get a part time job? If they’re able to travel, go on holidays, and can be relied on to babysit then it sounds like they might be capable of some kind of work. I’m of the generation that realistically won’t be able to retire until my mid 70s.

Just because they are older than you doesn’t mean they are entitled to your money. You need to tell them you can’t afford it. You and your family deserve treats, hair cuts, fun days out, etc. You shouldn’t be giving another adult your fun money. Your relative should have planned their retirement better, they are clearly living above their means. They’ll have to downsize, reduce spending, get a job, use community pantry schemes for food, etc. The usual advice you’d give anyone on budgeting.

They are past job age and definitely couldn't work. They could be a responsible adult and call us or emergency services if DC woke up ill while baby sitting for a few hours. But they are definitely past doing heavy duty childcare. Last time they did that was around 5-6 years ago.

The more I read comments and read back what I've written - the crazier the situation feels. It does feel like quite irrational behaviour and until recently they were a very rationale person. I do wonder if it's about maximising the time they have. In which case I would probably be inclined to do similar...

That’s fair enough but they need to figure out how they are going to manage financially, this is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to yourself and your children. Just like when you get to their age, you shouldn’t expect your children to pay for your food shopping just because you’ve decided to spend your own money on going on holiday.

It's the entitled attitude which would make me disinclined to give any more handouts tbh.
If it's true that they are short on bills or food then I may suggest doing the odd online grocery order for them or perhaps offering to set up a DD for one of their bills but I certainly wouldn't be giving them any more cash.

Agree with others you are not helping this relative deal with their reality. You are bailing them out month after month and they get to travel to see friends all over the country. Why do you feel obliged to support them ( is there a cultural aspect? Not that that makes a difference) or are you just a people pleaser…

you say it would be heat or eat but actually the relative has made those decisions in choosing to book a cruise go travelling… you would be far better pointing them in the direction of step change and money saving expert. To try and get a grip on their finances before they drag you down as well.

the money you have given them is the security they have taken from your children that money could have built a cash buffer to ensure you always have options.

you would be very stupid to keep doing what you are doing.

So do you think the other side of the family are being mean?

I would send them the last amount of cash for December as a gift, but you don't have to
I would write a letter saying you and the children have been going without coats and haircuts when needed to help support them but after learning about their luxury holiday you feel affronted and will no longer be helping financially in the New Year.

Your relative is being a CF or something has happened to their capacity.