Am I mean? Wd like some perspective

[runningpram]

We have an elderly relative who around six months ago started asking for money every month. It's typically around £100 to £200 - so not a huge amount.

We also give elderly relative some money every month anyway to help them out.

We can sort of afford the extra but it means things like DC not doing activities, or me having to delay getting a coat or get hair cut. These aren't huge sacrifices I absolutely don't want relative going without and struggling, so don't mind in principle as elderly relative only has state pension plus other small pension - so is obviously badly impacted by cost of living.

However they do a lot of travelling around the country some times to see us but mostly to catch up with friends - which adds up to a lot.

I tried to talk to relative about this and they said in return they thought I owed them money for buying treats for DC when they came to visit, which they have never mentioned before. To be clear - treats are basically ice creams, snacks while out and about etc. We usually give cash for these but sometimes relatives has bought clothing (nothing massively expensive) without asking us but this has always been described as a present.

They have done a little childcare before but only when they are visiting us and it is a case of sitting on the couch with DC in bed and being on call if there is an emergency. We get DC ready for bed and DC have always gone to nursery. By contrast they have done huge amounts of full time childcare for other side of family - which is fair enough because they live closer. We always pay train fares etc if elderly relative comes down and stays.

The issue I'm having is the constant demands - they've even now started to ask when I'll get paid!! They don't ask other side of family for anything as they are not in position to help. This is fair enough but I work full time - which has been quite a sacrifice for me over the years and elderly relative has had the odd negative comment to say about this, which I've let go. DH's role isn't super well paid - so I keep our heads above water.

Recently things have come slightly to a head as elderly relative has announced they are going on an expensive holiday. They were initially suggesting I should 'loan' them the cash. They have now got the cash from elsewhere in the shape of a loan from a friend. Clearly it is their business but if they money requests start again - can I refuse? They have been given a sizeable loan and have chosen to spend it on a hol. HOWEVER this is a longed for holiday late in life

I honestly don't know if I am being a meanie or not. Elderly relative is a really kind loving person- I am actually a bit worried for them generally as this is all slightly out of character.

Am I a meanie or am I stupid and naive? Pls some perspective and kind advice on how to deal with this.

“they thought I owed them money for buying treats for DC when they came to visit”

But hang on a minute: I thought you said you gave them money (to the detriment of your own DC who had to miss out on a holiday club) in order that they could then munificently hand out YOUR money to your own DC and other family DC for ice-creams!! You owe your ER nothing, and most particularly, funding them so that your own DC miss out is nothing short of monstrous. You will have to tell your ER that your DC are getting older and more expensive; the cost of living is going up, and unfortunately you are no longer in a position to subsidise them, particularly when they (ER) are going on expensive holidays that you can’t afford yourself. Sorry, OP, but you really are letting this ER take advantage of you. Your first duty is to your immediate family - your DH and DC. There’s no reason on earth why your DC should miss out so that elderly relative can gad about the country and frankly live beyond their means at your expense.

@runningpram I would be telling them to look at equity release- depending on age and how much equity they have ( age affects amount you can draw) their are tyoes were you can draw down a monthly amount - so like a small extra pension - £200 a month should do it nicely

Your priority should be your family first, your husband, yourself & children

If you want to give relative money, just give it on birthday & Christmas

Your relative has had X amount of years to work & save !

You are enabling them to do the nice things THEY want to do, while
YOUR family are going without. You are bankrolling their lifestyle choices. Please stop, they are taking you for a ride.

If they don't get the whole state pension they should get pension credit to top up. Do check that.