Am I mean? Wd like some perspective

[runningpram]

We have an elderly relative who around six months ago started asking for money every month. It's typically around £100 to £200 - so not a huge amount.

We also give elderly relative some money every month anyway to help them out.

We can sort of afford the extra but it means things like DC not doing activities, or me having to delay getting a coat or get hair cut. These aren't huge sacrifices I absolutely don't want relative going without and struggling, so don't mind in principle as elderly relative only has state pension plus other small pension - so is obviously badly impacted by cost of living.

However they do a lot of travelling around the country some times to see us but mostly to catch up with friends - which adds up to a lot.

I tried to talk to relative about this and they said in return they thought I owed them money for buying treats for DC when they came to visit, which they have never mentioned before. To be clear - treats are basically ice creams, snacks while out and about etc. We usually give cash for these but sometimes relatives has bought clothing (nothing massively expensive) without asking us but this has always been described as a present.

They have done a little childcare before but only when they are visiting us and it is a case of sitting on the couch with DC in bed and being on call if there is an emergency. We get DC ready for bed and DC have always gone to nursery. By contrast they have done huge amounts of full time childcare for other side of family - which is fair enough because they live closer. We always pay train fares etc if elderly relative comes down and stays.

The issue I'm having is the constant demands - they've even now started to ask when I'll get paid!! They don't ask other side of family for anything as they are not in position to help. This is fair enough but I work full time - which has been quite a sacrifice for me over the years and elderly relative has had the odd negative comment to say about this, which I've let go. DH's role isn't super well paid - so I keep our heads above water.

Recently things have come slightly to a head as elderly relative has announced they are going on an expensive holiday. They were initially suggesting I should 'loan' them the cash. They have now got the cash from elsewhere in the shape of a loan from a friend. Clearly it is their business but if they money requests start again - can I refuse? They have been given a sizeable loan and have chosen to spend it on a hol. HOWEVER this is a longed for holiday late in life

I honestly don't know if I am being a meanie or not. Elderly relative is a really kind loving person- I am actually a bit worried for them generally as this is all slightly out of character.

Am I a meanie or am I stupid and naive? Pls some perspective and kind advice on how to deal with this.

It does seem as though their capacity could be in decline, especially as this is new behaviour.

Do they have a house that they could maybe take equity release from? They are royally taking the piss and your kids are missing out when their cousins aren’t and so that elderly relative can go on holiday. This is not on.
If its out of character then you may need to think about cognitive decline in which case you need to get their
ducks in a row

This is completely bonkers op!! You're putting the wants of your relative before activities for your children. Personally, I wouldn't have started doing this in the first place. Do you not have any experience with manipulative people? Turn the situation around....swap places and imagine behaving like this yourself? You wouldn't would you?

There are not unable to heat their house or unable to afford food.

Financially I would give them zero - my children and their dance / piano lessons would be my priority not facilitating trips around the UK for an OAP.

I actually think its morally wrong to let your children be sidelined and allow your resources to be funneled away from them like this

You are funding elderly relatives lifestyle choices whilst your children can't go to activities. This is not fair. Your children might find talents or life long skills from activities, your elderly relative should have planned for retirement better. You are funding their travelling. I think if you read this post from someone else you would advise them to stop funding relative too.

It’s not fair on you or your children; it’s best to say no and not give any money at all.

£100-£200 a month is actually quite a lot of money OP.

This relative sounds a bit manipulative in how they are saying they are entitled to it

Fact it's it's money better spent on your children. It's not spare, there's things you would rather do with that money.

I think this holiday needs to be the last straw tbh.

This and re Elderly relative is a really kind loving person- are they when they are taking money from their grandchildren?
I’m assuming it’s a parent to have this level of guilt trip!

"No, sorry, things are really tight with the cost of food and living now so I'm the same now I don't have anything left over. I'm happy to have been able to help out before though x"

Just No. She can check shes eligible and apply for attendance allowance, pension credit, winter fuel, warm home discount, household support fund etc.

You are not being mean. In fact, I think you're being taken for.a mug.

Ask to see elderly relative's accounts in full as a condition of any further support.

Though I'd be very inclined to tell the relative to do one. Maybe explain that you and your children are going without so that you can fund their lifestyle.

I would want to help them with budgeting maybe they have signed up for lots of monthly stuff they don’t need. Also double check any entitlement to benefits citizens advice or age uk are a good start. I think if they want money it’s only fair that they should share their circumstances with you. I too worry about cognitive decline and this loan for the holiday might be impossible to pay back. Bit of tough love after Christmas maybe.

I have explained to them that DC has had to miss out and they get upset and then claim I owe them money - which is bonkers because by that reckoning other part of family must owe them ££££.

The other thing I had a few months ago was that I gave relative some cash - they had said they were really struggling but would get things sorted soon. This meant my DC couldn't go to a holiday club I'd wanted them to go to. Elderly relative then split then between my DC and the kids on the other side of the family ( who then obviously got the bulk as they are more numerous) as a pocket money for ice creams over the summer. I should say other side of the family is very helpful to me and my family in other ways so I don't begrudge them at all but I do begrudge the decision being taken out my hands by ER.

It is crazy I realise but I'm made to feel like I'm an awful person (not by DH or other side of family) if I raise it with elderly relative.

The reason why I'm posting in Elderly Relatives is because this does feel like this might be age related behaviour and I wondered if others had experienced similar.

This isn't my parent - there are some cultural issues attached - so it is a bit of a complex dynamic.

Don't make excuses for them. Honestly this is shocking behaviour on their part. It would be one thing if they were asking for money because they genuinely couldn't afford to eat, but demanding handouts so they can travel for leisure, and as "payback" (🙄) for a few ice creams is absolutely shameful. I'd be mortified to do this to anyone, but particularly to a family with their own kids to take care of. I think you need to set a really firm boundary - you will not be lending or god forbid giving them a penny from now on.

Are you mad? You can’t get your hair cut yet they are going on holiday?

Politely tell her asap that you’re unable to give her hundreds each month. Bonkers.

Fear, obligation & guilt! FOG

In no uncertain terms would I deny my child to treat someone else!

Ask them to go to citizens advice to make sure they are getting all the financial help they are entitled to

Do you know the actual financial position of this relative ? If they own their own home and gave state and private pension they should be able toamagevwirhiyt sponging off you

they own home and have pension but not sure if it is full state pension - so that could be some of the issue - as they haven't always worked. But agree, I will suggest a visit to CAB. I wasn't sure if that was an awful thing to do.

You can't afford it though.

Your children are missing out so they can go on jollys OP.

Say no, keep saying no. Let them strop.

Or better still, get in first. Tell them you need 500 quid for Christmas and can they gift it to you.

It'll be crickets.

I'm not so sure that this is a change in behaviour, ER has happily accepted money from you regularly for quite some time and is now escalating their demands.. This is a form of coercive control and financial abuse.

Unless they live in a very expensive rental property, there is absolutely NO reason why ER can't manage to live modestly but fully on a full SP and a small private pension. If they do pay a lot of rent, there may be extra official help available. You really need to stop subsidising ER's profligate lifestyle.

Just stop giving money for goodness sake. Why deprive your own kids?

Not your parent but you feel obligated to fund their holidays?
awaiting the usual ‘oh merr gaawsh!! They must have dementia!! Don’t you know elderly people are all sweet little Saints who do nothing wrong and you’re soo awful for not doing as they demand!!!’

I have seen this type of entitlement in my friendship group and it has to be a hard "no".
You cannot afford it. Your children (and you) are doing without. Okay, may be not food - but a coat is an essential.
I appreciate it is hard, but a few ice creams here and there does not mean you have to pay them a wage.
Their poor life choices are not your problem (and yes, that extends to their working choices and possible lack of pension).
Sorry to sound to harsh, but you are being taken for a mug and this has to change, not least for your own children.
Meant kindly even though I am being very blunt

Its 2.5k net or so a year you are giving this woman. (From the way you write its clearly a woman) probably some aunt...

They dont sound remotely nice or kind or loving.
They sound grabby and manipulative.

Stop giving them money. Any money.
When they complain say
"I'm sorry you feel like that. We love you but cant afford to give you money anymore. I need to buy my kids coats more than i need to indirectly subsidise your luxury holiday"

Say it on repeat and do not engage in discussion.

If she's desperate she can downsize or get a lodger.

Your children should be your priority!

Good luck she sounds like shes brain washed you...

Yes OP, you absolutely can stop giving them money, they are completely abusing your relationship by taking it! I would deal with this by simply saying 'sorry no, I don't have anything spare' every time they ask for money. Keep your tone very calm and low, even if they argue and get worked up, answer everything with matter of fact responses like 'I can't give you what I don't have' and shut down questioning about why you don't have it with 'everything's gone up' and a shrug. Like a form of grey rock I suppose, deadpan, unemotional responses and a sort of 'can't be helped' attitude.

If you were feeling generous you could help them access food banks or other services so they can manage independently but even that isn't your responsibility. If you are genuinely worried about cognitive decline you could call or write to their GP or contact adult social services and see what they advise.