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Elderly parents
Original poster

Two worlds colliding - the perfect storm

265 replies

BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 08:15

I have had several threads on here and found lots of support for the most part. I won’t repeat my story at this stage but I had a real moment of clarity this week about the situation I have found myself in with my elderly parents.

It dawned on me that having left my hometown and my parents 40 years ago I have forged a life elsewhere, and a busy life at that. A life I love(d). I realised, stupidly, that I assumed my parents life was as busy as mine, and fulfilling. They certainly talked the talk about how busy they were.

What has emerged over the past years of having to be more involved with them from a crisis situation is that they really did not live life to the full, no hobbies, just miserable in each others company in a house they did nothing to other than hoard crap from the middle aisle at a well known supermarket .

They retired 30 years ago and seem to have done nothing to keep active even though they had the means to. My aunts and uncles in the same area seem to have lovely social lives and are thriving in old age. Mine always looked down on their peers as silly people ‘keeping busy for the sake of it’ - but it has meant they have kept their world more open.

Mine are now in a place they do not like, father in a nursing facility mother just unable to cope with anything.

Anyway my point I suppose is that I am not truly surprised. They could never cope with anything big decisions. My mother has always thrown a strop when she has not liked a situation and in the past we tended to all just do what she wanted so she never had to learn any coping skills. So no surprise she cannot cope with this phase of life. Over many years we have tried to listen to their moans and come up with solutions but they always knew better so frankly have ended up exactly in the mess of their own creation.

I have made significant changes in my life so that old age will be more manageable. I wish we could make this something we talk about more. I do not want to put my kids through what my parents have done to me. I am healing now but they definitely broke me with unreasonable expectations.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 02/12/2025 17:26

Sorry @BlueLegumenot meaning to derail thread, hopefully it’s generally on point of topic.

ohyesiseethatnow · 02/12/2025 17:38

BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 09:07

@DierdreDaphne thanks! Actually you articulated what I wanted to say way better than I did.

I guess we are all a certain personality and that is not going to change in later life. So a sweet lovely outgoing person probably remains so even in old age. I see them in the nursing facility my father is in. He though whilst reasonably affable in social settings was always quite grumpy and sniffy about everyone and their wife. Always had a negative attitude and is just the same in old age. My mother was a crashing snob and that may well have been covering a fragile ego. She is just not able to cope and never has been with anything that is not her own way. She has over my lifetime alienated everyone she meets because she had to make sure they knew exactly what she thought of them. She told one of her neighbours his wife was having an affair because she got it into her head the man who came round every Wednesday ’seemed creepy’. this was years ago.

This resonates with me.

I’m younger than you, mid 40s. My mum is 74 and was widowed two and a half years ago.

I had a decent relationship with dad, and an ok one with mum. But she’s quite a difficult person to get on with it, so it was very surface level.

Like your mum, she is a massive snob. Every person she meets, she sizes them up - job, income, address, and makes a snap judgement on whether or not they are “beneath her”. If they are beneath her, she wants nothing to do with them, and she has written family out of her life because of this. If they are wealthy, she panders to them.

Like your mum, she would go in a strop when something didn’t go her way.

My dad worked till he was mid 60s, but mum retired early from her part time job at around 58. She had a pretty comfortable lifestyle, largely funded by dad. But it was never good enough for her. She is never satisfied with what she has.

Anyway, I always just accepted it. But the past few years since dad died I’ve been seeing more and more what she is like and she is truly toxic. She has also alienated people all throughout my life. I have countless aunties and uncles (on both sides) that no longer speak to us due to her. She causes massive rifts by playing people off against each other. She never apologises for being wrong but will cry and wail “I can’t do anything right”.

She does have a few friends and she bitches about them constantly. Quite honestly I don’t know why they put up with her.

She also refuses to maintain the house since dad died. She doesn’t want to spend the money. So she phones me when things break and I have to drop everything and make the 40 mile round trip to fix it.

I feel similarly in that I feel like I’ve been a parent, coaxing her not to be so unpleasant and negative, and please just enjoy your life because life is short etc etc.

it’s all fallen on deaf ears and now with dad gone she’s left a very bitter, miserable old woman and I don’t really know what to do

user86397409754 · 02/12/2025 17:41

HoraceGoesBonkers · 02/12/2025 15:22

The other thing is that there seem to be more of them around, perhaps not unsurprisingly given the nation's demographics.

I started on this board about 5 years ago and it's busier now. Back then I didnt know anyone IRL going through the same thing but there are several now.

There must be so many people struggling with elderly relatives, kids, jobs and their own health - I wonder if anyone's ever tried to estimate the big picture economic, social and health impacts, whether that would change policy.

Yep - I think the big difference is that years ago we got old, got ill and died promptly. Now we get old, get ill but drag on for another decade. Usually at a daughters expense!

My poor cousin spent just shy of 20 years at her mothers beck and call, they had a great relationship so I’m sure she’d do it again, but she spent from 50 - 70 pretty much being a full time carer. Every year she thought it’d be the last birthday/Christmas etc, but her mum very nearly made it to 100. Meanwhile, her son visited once every couple of months…

MowingMachine · 02/12/2025 17:44

They lived the life they wanted to lead, OP. You do not need to feel guilty for that.

I have already told my DC to put me in a home the minute I sound even more gaga. I try not to keep hold of unecessary stuff.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 02/12/2025 17:44

Popping In quickly with a phrase or two-

Oh dear, what are you going to do about that?
That’s a shame. It must be very upsetting.
Goodness, what a worry! I do hope you manage to sort it out.

💐

NattyKnitter116 · 02/12/2025 17:51

Really good thread BlueLegume, and I am so glad it's not just me that feels this way. I cannot agree enough regarding not burdening our own kids.

Both partner and I are agreed we will move to a retirement village in the next 10-15 years or earlier if we feel we need to.

We are not very old (58 and 64) but we are beginning to find the hassle of house maintenance too stressful and time consuming. He is retired from ill health and i work part time and we just want to keep as fit as we can, potter about, do our hobbies and social clubs when we feel like it.
We have already joined the health club at our local one :-)
I have told DSon to live his life as well as he can and assured him we have made plans for older age. Frankly even if i didnt feel this way I wouldnt be able to rely on him anyway as he is disabled and has only just left home in the last 3 years, but my DSis totally assumes her son will run about after them and in the same enabling way she has with my parents. It really grinds my gears to think about it as he is such decent lovely kid and deserves a good life doing what makes him happy.
My mum is also a hoarder, always has been They moved to a four bedroom house after we kids left home and she rapidly filled the upstairs rooms with clothes and handbags - not expensive - really cheap tat.

We put it down to her upbringing during the war and being bombed out, evacuated then shipped from pillar to post after the war as there was no secure housing. its like once she left home and settled with my dad she found security in stuff. To be honest i thought the way they went on was normal as it seems common in their friendship group. Its only because i mix with a wider circle of people Ive learnt it might be common but its not normal (same goes with my upbringing).
The stuff about them sitting in a house where everything is breaking really resonates. She uses her defunct built in microwave as a bread bin and has another working microwave out in the utility room. her oven door hasnt shut properly for years but when my DF suggested they refurbish the kitchen she said a flat no. She doesnt like change.

Yesterday I had a really good Distraction Day courtesy of DP who is fabulous at helping me out of the spiral and today I swam and steamed and felt bloody marvellous after.

Messages are on silent and i check them once a day. If they really want me they have to phone me and i can decide whether to answer.
Im sure my name is mud in Drama Towers at the moment but my priorities are my partner and my son.

Waitwater · 02/12/2025 17:56

So your mother lives alone @BlueLegume ? Why doesn’t she move to the care home where her husband is?

Original poster
BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 19:15

@ohyesiseethatnow couldn’t read your post and not reply. I need to catch up on the others too but I absolutely get what you say.

The reason I wanted to respond is that I can just say …..do nothing. You clearly care but my reality is they - people like this - move the goalposts constantly. Do what you feel you can. Yes you will feel guilty but that is easier to deal with than resentment. Again a thread of thoroughly decent people run ragged. Take care .

OP posts:
Waitwater · 02/12/2025 19:26

But op why doesn’t your mother move in to the care home with your father? Is she refusing to?

TonTonMacoute · 02/12/2025 19:38

I have made significant changes in my life so that old age will be more manageable. I wish we could make this something we talk about more. I do not want to put my kids through what my parents have done to me. I am healing now but they definitely broke me with unreasonable expectations.

This is such good advice!

I remember a lightbulb moment in my 40s, when I began helping out with the odd hospital appointment, that it was vital to plan for my future - not only financially - but in terms of health and well being as well.

It doesn't make the present any easier to deal with unfortunately, but at least you can hope to enjoy a happier old age yourself.

MotherOfCatBoy · 02/12/2025 20:17

Mine are the same Blue. Late 90s & 80s, DM is a hoarder, house is in such disarray you’d think they’d been burgled, rotten food in the kitchen, trip hasards everywhere, work needing doing on the house. Could have downsized 10-20 years ago and moved closer to us but refused to. Wanted a garden/ won’t live in a bungalow/ won’t live on a main road/ won’t live in a flat, etc etc. Takes an hour to reach them. Missed my son growing up. Won’t get a cleaner, won’t get a gardener, wont have carers, won’t declutter.

I go once a week unless there’s a big problem. I won’t clean for them as that would be enabling and they can afford help, but I do go through the fridge/ cupboards for out of date food, I do online admin and bills etc, and I take them to hospital appointments. And I look around the house and I fantasise about skips.

Original poster
BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 20:19

@Waitwater my father is in a nursing facility. He requires full nursing care. My mother has full capacity but is just difficult. Perhaps read the full thread.

She despises the fact I have ‘put him in a nursing facility’. She hates the place. She does not require nursing care. Not sure what you point is really.

My father is well cared for and somewhere he is safe, well fed and will have a calm end to his life. I have already agreed to no more hospital visits. Just keep him comfortable.

OP posts:
Waitwater · 02/12/2025 20:56

BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 20:19

@Waitwater my father is in a nursing facility. He requires full nursing care. My mother has full capacity but is just difficult. Perhaps read the full thread.

She despises the fact I have ‘put him in a nursing facility’. She hates the place. She does not require nursing care. Not sure what you point is really.

My father is well cared for and somewhere he is safe, well fed and will have a calm end to his life. I have already agreed to no more hospital visits. Just keep him comfortable.

Edited

😵‍💫

I wasn’t criticising

Original poster
BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 21:01

@Waitwater what was your point?

OP posts:
Waitwater · 02/12/2025 21:03

BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 21:01

@Waitwater what was your point?

I thought your father was in a care home
so I wondered why they weren’t together

the end

Original poster
BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 21:07

@Waitwater my father being in a nursing facility was made clear about 2 years ago and regularly on any thread I am involved with.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 02/12/2025 21:10

BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 09:34

@Chalices not name changed so plenty of back story!

You are absolutely correct in the point about enabling them. We thought we were helping but on reflection we were simply enabling them to decline further. Everything we did was met with derision and criticism. Even in lockdown when I organised grocery deliveries my mother ran me ragged by moaning about the delivery driver having a ‘scruffy look’. So we changed supermarket until she got a driver she ‘approved of’. Then of course on the second delivery it was a different driver! Not so keen.

To be honest she has always always spoken in a hyperbolic tone. A minor problem would be described as a ‘nightmare’. If I am honest I think she has been suffering from terminal boredom for the past 40 years. She has definitely struggled with the physical symptoms of aging as she was always very attractive.

Thankfully I’ve not got that problem 😊

My mum I think the same - terminal boredom. She derived a lot of her self esteem when under 50 by being very attractive rather than what she did ( she couldn’t stick at anything ) or her personality. her H is 11 years younger - thing is when you are 70s and 80s these kind of things no longer count for as much and even a very good for age 83 isn’t going to get admiring looks from the foxy guy in his 40s .

Crikeyalmighty · 02/12/2025 21:10

BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 09:34

@Chalices not name changed so plenty of back story!

You are absolutely correct in the point about enabling them. We thought we were helping but on reflection we were simply enabling them to decline further. Everything we did was met with derision and criticism. Even in lockdown when I organised grocery deliveries my mother ran me ragged by moaning about the delivery driver having a ‘scruffy look’. So we changed supermarket until she got a driver she ‘approved of’. Then of course on the second delivery it was a different driver! Not so keen.

To be honest she has always always spoken in a hyperbolic tone. A minor problem would be described as a ‘nightmare’. If I am honest I think she has been suffering from terminal boredom for the past 40 years. She has definitely struggled with the physical symptoms of aging as she was always very attractive.

Thankfully I’ve not got that problem 😊

My mum I think the same - terminal boredom. She derived a lot of her self esteem when under 50 by being very attractive rather than what she did ( she couldn’t stick at anything ) or her personality. her H is 11 years younger - thing is when you are 70s and 80s these kind of things no longer count for as much and even a very good for age 83 isn’t going to get admiring looks from the foxy guy in his 40s .

Crikeyalmighty · 02/12/2025 21:11

BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 09:34

@Chalices not name changed so plenty of back story!

You are absolutely correct in the point about enabling them. We thought we were helping but on reflection we were simply enabling them to decline further. Everything we did was met with derision and criticism. Even in lockdown when I organised grocery deliveries my mother ran me ragged by moaning about the delivery driver having a ‘scruffy look’. So we changed supermarket until she got a driver she ‘approved of’. Then of course on the second delivery it was a different driver! Not so keen.

To be honest she has always always spoken in a hyperbolic tone. A minor problem would be described as a ‘nightmare’. If I am honest I think she has been suffering from terminal boredom for the past 40 years. She has definitely struggled with the physical symptoms of aging as she was always very attractive.

Thankfully I’ve not got that problem 😊

My mum I think the same - terminal boredom. She derived a lot of her self esteem when under 50 by being very attractive rather than what she did ( she couldn’t stick at anything ) or her personality. her H is 11 years younger - thing is when you are 70s and 80s these kind of things no longer count for as much and even a very good for age 83 isn’t going to get admiring looks from the foxy guy in his 40s .

Waitwater · 02/12/2025 21:14

BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 21:07

@Waitwater my father being in a nursing facility was made clear about 2 years ago and regularly on any thread I am involved with.

Edited

You are one poster
do you honestly think you are well known enough that anyone who joins your threads knows all the backdrop?
I asked a question 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 21:18

@Waitwater yeah you are so right. I am an utter failure and nonentity. Where on earth did i say i was well known?

OP posts:
Waitwater · 02/12/2025 21:21

BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 21:18

@Waitwater yeah you are so right. I am an utter failure and nonentity. Where on earth did i say i was well known?

Edited

Huh?

what on earth are you going on about?

good night

MowingMachine · 02/12/2025 21:28

Waitwater · 02/12/2025 21:14

You are one poster
do you honestly think you are well known enough that anyone who joins your threads knows all the backdrop?
I asked a question 🤷‍♀️

Edited
Show quote history

On this thread, OP said her father is in a nursing home. A nursing home is not a care home. Maybe read up on things a bit, before you comment?

Chazbots · 02/12/2025 21:49

Waitwater · 02/12/2025 19:26

But op why doesn’t your mother move in to the care home with your father? Is she refusing to?

Care home admission is on needs usually. So if you have nursing needs, then it's a nursing home, dementia usually an EMI home, either residential or nursing, etc. You can't go to a nursing home if you don't have nursing needs, even if self-funded.

Fiftyandme · 02/12/2025 21:51

This is their own doing. You have zero obligation to have your turn your life upside down to accommodate them.