Two worlds colliding - the perfect storm

[BlueLegume]

I have had several threads on here and found lots of support for the most part. I won’t repeat my story at this stage but I had a real moment of clarity this week about the situation I have found myself in with my elderly parents.

It dawned on me that having left my hometown and my parents 40 years ago I have forged a life elsewhere, and a busy life at that. A life I love(d). I realised, stupidly, that I assumed my parents life was as busy as mine, and fulfilling. They certainly talked the talk about how busy they were.

What has emerged over the past years of having to be more involved with them from a crisis situation is that they really did not live life to the full, no hobbies, just miserable in each others company in a house they did nothing to other than hoard crap from the middle aisle at a well known supermarket .

They retired 30 years ago and seem to have done nothing to keep active even though they had the means to. My aunts and uncles in the same area seem to have lovely social lives and are thriving in old age. Mine always looked down on their peers as silly people ‘keeping busy for the sake of it’ - but it has meant they have kept their world more open.

Mine are now in a place they do not like, father in a nursing facility mother just unable to cope with anything.

Anyway my point I suppose is that I am not truly surprised. They could never cope with anything big decisions. My mother has always thrown a strop when she has not liked a situation and in the past we tended to all just do what she wanted so she never had to learn any coping skills. So no surprise she cannot cope with this phase of life. Over many years we have tried to listen to their moans and come up with solutions but they always knew better so frankly have ended up exactly in the mess of their own creation.

I have made significant changes in my life so that old age will be more manageable. I wish we could make this something we talk about more. I do not want to put my kids through what my parents have done to me. I am healing now but they definitely broke me with unreasonable expectations.

Totally agree with lots of this.

I realised, stupidly, that I assumed my parents life was as busy as mine, and fulfilling. They certainly talked the talk about how busy they were.

how often did you see them in person?

You must be in your sixties?

how old are you parents?

@Headyhead I saw them regularly. I interacted with them weekly if I couldn’t see them and when I retired I took them out for lunch regularly and had them at my home several times a year. I have posted previously about how difficult they were so won’t drag that up again.

I suppose my realisation has been that they just talked about how busy they were so didn’t have time to go to clubs/social events like their peers. They definitely did not like mixing with other people of their age and it has left them rudderless.

Not sure you need my age. I am the daughter of two very elderly people who have made no provision for coping in old age but let everything fall to their adult children. We have all had to step back as it has been a tough ride for many years.

So your dad in a care home

your mum living alone?

It’s been such a process for you Blue. I think realising that your parents’ lives could have been different with small changes - but that they weren’t ever going to make those changes - can be quite emotional.

In the end we can only accept that people mostly do what they want to do, within the limits of their circumstances and upbringing.

@PermanentTemporary absolutely. I reflect back and I feel like I have been the parent trying to advise and guide a child/teenager to make better choices and that I have failed. I know that is not true as their happiness is not my responsibility. Yes it is very emotional.

@Headyhead this thread is about the fall out not personal information so I am unsure why the questions?

My mum put out a dating advert in her late 50s. I can guarantee she would have had several responses. She fell madly for one man, but he was married. She was his bit on the side (or one of them) for the next 25 years. Her life has been significantly worse because she chose to stay in that situation. But I’m sure that’s not how she would see it - it’s my perspective.

I have been thinking about this a lot, recently.

For better or worse I never had elderly parents or in laws. But I’ve seen what friends and posters here go through and it’s made me absolutely determined not to put my children in the position of having to put their lives on hold to look after me.

I never want them to make themselves ill or unhappy through obligation and I intend to do everything possible to keep that from happening.

That's so depressing - but it sounds like their negative attitude and - spiritual laziness? (if that's not too overblown way of putting it) - has been there all along.

Your post is very wise, and it makes me even more appreciative of my own Mum who, though she does have her whingy moments, actually apologises for them. But more to the point despite some really difficult challenges during her life, has always been proactive about her own wellbeing, actively social and active in her community in numerous ways. And now in her 90s and pretty disabled, she still gets great pleasure from friend/neighbours and family visiting, and continues (a fair bit of the time, she ain't perfect!!) to be grateful for what she has.

I realise looking at my Mum that , partly from still having a dh at home, my own laziness /preoccupation with work has allowed me to become a bit socially disengaged (I'm not as naturally gregarious as Mum) . So I am learning from her and making more of an active effort to engage with my friends more regularly. So thanks Mum, and thanks @BlueLegume for this post!

@EveryKneeShallBow well said. I am a hollow version of myself now. I have though made changes to my life so my children will not be burdened by ‘broken appliances’ that I have had to deal with all because my parents have refused to maintain their property. The appliances are never broken they just knew we would all panic when they rang saying this/that is broken, usually heating or the oven. We got to a stage the plumber/heating engineer refused to go out to them because he was simply on a fools errand.

@DierdreDaphne thanks! Actually you articulated what I wanted to say way better than I did.

I guess we are all a certain personality and that is not going to change in later life. So a sweet lovely outgoing person probably remains so even in old age. I see them in the nursing facility my father is in. He though whilst reasonably affable in social settings was always quite grumpy and sniffy about everyone and their wife. Always had a negative attitude and is just the same in old age. My mother was a crashing snob and that may well have been covering a fragile ego. She is just not able to cope and never has been with anything that is not her own way. She has over my lifetime alienated everyone she meets because she had to make sure they knew exactly what she thought of them. She told one of her neighbours his wife was having an affair because she got it into her head the man who came round every Wednesday ’seemed creepy’. this was years ago.

This is exactly why I intend on ending it if /when my health or mind started taking a serious down turn. I have a chronic condition and won't reach life expentancy for a normal person anyway. H and kidults know my plans, they don't like it but I don't want to be dependant on them.
I have made my peace with it.

The best thing we have done is downsize. Means everything is brand new, we did a full refurbishment so will last us a good many years. Leaving our family home of many decades did not feel as emotional as I anticipated because I fell in love with our new place and now have a brand new everything all to my taste and super low maintenance but still in the same area.

This thread really resonates OP.

If you’ve not name changed I may go back and read your other threads?

I’ve recently come to the realisation how much ‘supporting’ my parents has in effect just enabled them, to all our detriments.

My hope in to help my own children become fully fledged adults, not and not to burden them in our own old age. Why is this different with my own parents?

My parents are very much a product of their own upbringing & hardships, however I would argue my childhood was worse than theirs in many ways and yet how have I got the insight to try to grow and yet not put the same expectation on them.

The resentment is real!

@Chalices not name changed so plenty of back story!

You are absolutely correct in the point about enabling them. We thought we were helping but on reflection we were simply enabling them to decline further. Everything we did was met with derision and criticism. Even in lockdown when I organised grocery deliveries my mother ran me ragged by moaning about the delivery driver having a ‘scruffy look’. So we changed supermarket until she got a driver she ‘approved of’. Then of course on the second delivery it was a different driver! Not so keen.

To be honest she has always always spoken in a hyperbolic tone. A minor problem would be described as a ‘nightmare’. If I am honest I think she has been suffering from terminal boredom for the past 40 years. She has definitely struggled with the physical symptoms of aging as she was always very attractive.

Thankfully I’ve not got that problem 😊

The old saying, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.
This saying sums up my mother and her stubbornness 🙄
She would never listen as she always thought she knew best, especially when advised from those who were younger than her. 🤦‍♀️
She very rarely admitted fault, and wanted to be a matriarch, even at the detriment of her own health. 😔

I don't know if it was her upbringing or her personality. But she met someone else after my dad passed away in her later years and was happy, but not healthy (he was a drinker, and she joined him) and that sowed the seeds of her health going south. 😟

She apologised to me before she passed away. I nearly fell over (from surprise) when she said sorry. 😨

I will never put my child through the same. I will hopefully learn from her mistakes 🙏

Sending support 💐 @BlueLegume

Ha similar! My mum put so much value on women’s looks, she was very beautiful but I’m objectively very much not - her attitude really affected my self esteem until I grew old enough not to give a shit.

She has not aged well - heavy smoker and ‘functioning’ alcoholic. No friends, no interests other than her house and her children’s achievements.

I could have written this post!
Having watched a few friends give up their own lives in their 60’s to look after their parents, I’m determined that my sons won’t have to do it for me.
We moved house almost 2 years ago, in our late 60’s, to be nearer to them - not in their pockets but a 25 minute drive instead of 2.5 hours. DH didn’t want to move and in the end I gave him an ultimatum, either we move or we divorce, sell the house and he can live where he likes! He moved.
We have renovated the house and garden, and made it easy to maintain. I’ve done a huge amount of decluttering, sorting out paperwork and old photos. The charity shops have done well. The boys know where the paperwork is.
I think it’s just so selfish to expect your adult children to sort it out because you haven’t.
I’ve seen your posts before @BlueLegume, best wishes to you 💐🍷

@Slingsanderrors hope you got the same satisfaction I did sorting things out during your move? The charity shops did really well here and also some of the local charities who support people in furniture poverty. I still get such a buzz opening our front door plus we were at a point where our very loved old house was starting to require updating and it would have just been a waste of money. The new family are doing a refurbishment on our old place but have been really happy that we had maintained it so the bones are good they are just having to do cosmetic updates.

I have happy memories of the old place and adore my new place.

What scares me most about the future is that DH is not on the same page as me.
I will quite happily move to assisted living and probably a care home if needed. I like company and being looked after and having some activities on tap.
He says he wants to be independent as long as possible and doesn’t want carers. It’s history repeating itself and I never want DS to have to do what I am doing or feel about us the way I now feel about my DPs.

You’ve touched on so many interesting things. Your mother’s hyperbole- Some people, including my mother, are only at ease when there is chaos. Perhaps they grew up in chaos and shouting and drama. I’ve realised that no matter how much I fix, how much I help, how much I facilitate, she will always be unsatisfied, there will always be another drama. She creates it, subconsciously.

She feels at ease when she is helpless in a sea of drama, with people running around fixing it for her. It can’t be avoided by anything I say, do or organise.

I had to accept when my mum was borderline abusive to my dying Dad, that he had chosen her and his mantra for 70 years had been ‘don’t upset her, keep her happy’. The life he had at the end was the one he had engineered. We live with our choices and we don’t necessarily want to be rescued from them.

So, recognising the autonomy of people whose choices have been appalling is hard. But it is their choice and they are living the life they want even if they claim otherwise.

I now live the life I choose- one where I spend longer than I want pandering to a dramatic elderly woman, but sleep with a clear conscience.

@Patchedsocks interesting point about the wrapping paper hoarding. For me my mother has always been over the top on ‘having lots of stuff’. As a kid I remember an airing cupboard rammed with towels.

Her house is not untidy but every drawer and cupboard is stuffed full and the garage/shed - well that is a shop in it’s own right.

I have a theory that my mother just loved the thrill of having a trolley/shopping basket full of stuff - and that other people could see what she was buying and she would have thought they were impressed. She used to recount the contents of the trolley in front of her and the ‘quality’ or lack of of what Mrs So and So was buying. Pure indulgent showing off. I think she was probably addicted to the buzz but it never made her happy.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn yes to the chaos. But we always enabled it by rushing round to deal with minor issues.

My parents were like this OP. I spent my 40s basically parenting them, cancelling holidays because of their crises, trying to encourage them to look after themselves and enjoy their golden years. All to no avail. All they did was smoke, hoard and moan about everything, including each other. The weren't even very old.

When my mum died it became clear my dad was both incapable of looking after himself and a bitter man who upset and backstabbed even the kindest people who tried to help him. It ate my life. Calls whilst I was at work asking basic domestic stuff, "How do I wash a dressing gown?" "How do I make stew?" and a house becoming more run down by the day.

One day I had to get a gas engineer in because I could smell gas. The poor guy went white as a sheet when he told me the cooker was plumbed in wrong and gas had always been escaping - for years. How catastrophe had been avoided he didn't know. My parents always had a little man/wrong un in to do work rather than pay a proper rate.

The sheets were threadbare, the carpets the same, the garden overgrown and full of old stuff and the whole house hoarded to the roof.

Some people don't own themselves and for the people around them that is life limiting.

Both dead now. The freedom is intense. Since they died someone said to me "You can only lead your own life". I wish I had heard that phrase 30 years ago.

All the threads on here about having to go to parents for Christmas and not wanting to. In my experience the kindest thing you can do for adult children is have a fulfilling independent life yourself and say, "You enjoy your Christmas your way this year darlings, we're renting a cottage for two in deepest Wales." Let them live and live fully yourself.

I've learned the lesson my parents never did. I've downsized to a dot of a cottage in a tiny garden, I am clutter free, and keep very busy and active.

Love to everyone who is going through this.