Cockroach cafe - Spring in autumn

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread for those of us dealing with elderly family members. All welcome.

A place to rant, discuss, vent, decompress. No judgement just solidarity.

Thanks @GnomeDePlume a nice shiny new thread for us.

Thanks @GnomeDePlume hope you are doing ok.

Thanks @GnomeDePlume hope you are ok.

DM is getting trickier to deal with and I know it is hurting DB. She could always be quite belligerent and now is getting much worse as there is no reasoning with her.

Keeps insisting she can take herself to the toilet and doesnt need to use a bedpan. The reality is that she hasnt taken an independent step since breaking her hip over a year ago and has now been fully in bed for over a fortnight. Her continence is on the wane anyway.

My advice to DB each time is that he should leave when she starts getting abusive. Not as a 'punishment' to DM but because at least then he can face going back again.

Sorry to hear that things are getting harder for you and DB @GnomeDePlume.

Thanks for new thread.

Thanks for the new thread and solidarity to those dealing with unhelpful relatives as well as our elderlies.

Thanks @GnomeDePlume. Yes, what we painfully learn is that we have to protect ourselves to some extent, because it is a marathon not a sprint. Sounds as if your DB hasn’t got that yet.

@PermanentTemporary I think for DB he is used to reasoning (boring) DM into compliance. He has never had much contact with toddlers so hasnt experience of dealing with a tantruming 'my do it' situation.

I dont think any of us are brilliant at it but at least have the knowledge that reasoning wont work.

Thanks for the new thread @GnomeDePlume I hope your DB is taking you advice re walking away. Your words on the last thread about dementia sufferers becoming unpleasant to be around just when they most need care really resonated with me and is obviously the voice of experience. I'm trying to remind myself with my DM that logic doesn't really apply to her rants now. Thankfully most of the time she can be distracted by changing the subject to something pleasant. I've also found that I can sometimes fend off a rant before it starts if I offer her a cup of tea or something to eat when she starts on certain topics (works as an excuse to leave the room, but also focuses her mind on the food/drink and she forgets she was moaning). I use a similar tactic when I can tell my rescue dog is about to bark at someone- but with different types of biscuit!

@GnomeDePlume

"Keeps insisting she can take herself to the toilet"

Hasn't catheterisation been suggested for your Mum?

@Alicorn1707 DM had a catheter for about a year but had started pulling it out more and more frequently, risking injury. It was felt safer for it to be removed.

@GnomeDePlume thank you!!! Pulling up a chair to the table

Checking in though feeling slightly fraudulent as we had FIL's funeral last week.

Hello, new to cockroach cafe, long overdue perhaps!

I’m not a frequent poster but going in solidarity.

What do you mean we’re not going to live forever in perfect health? Planning is for other people, not immortals like us!

Sorry to hear, I’m sure it’s been the end of a long road which won’t be over yet.

And sorry to post without reading at least the last message.

@Greigey I get the opposite of the “we’re in perfect health “. “No point in making adaptations or getting in additional care, we’re going to die soon so we’ll just struggle on”. Except they are still very much alive and it appears to be mostly DH and I doing the struggling.

Hello, I have been pointed at these threads from a couple of others I have posted on and hesitated but a new thread seems to be a good time to join if I may.

My situation is that until about 6 months ago my DPs were living fully independently supporting one another, Dad physically frail but mentally sharp, Mum physically fit but anxiety, ND traits and some early signs of memory loss. Then Dad had an accident and was so badly injured that he had to move straight from rehab to a nursing home which was a huge job in itself and Mum isn't coping without him (practically speaking she's fine in the house but her memory, behaviour and inability to manage anything but the most basic admin are causing me a huge amount of stress and work).

Another previous lurker also saying Hi. Lurking on the previous threads has kept me sane. My MIL is showing a lot of cognitive decline and needs a lot of help and it’s all down to DH and I. His ‘D’Sis is useless and makes demands on everyone including demanding MIL traveling miles to see her (other people have to drive) as she can’t be bothered. But DSis can’t do anything wrong despite not helping at all but looking at these threads it seems common.

Thank you @GnomeDePlume in the midst of dealing with your DM to find time to start the new threat - hope it helps.

Welcome newcomers. You can scream, rant and bang your head against the wall here, or just have a little cry.

My MIL had just taken a turn for the worse, and we think she doesn’t have long left. In many ways she has been « easy » for the last few years since FIL died, as a combination of alcoholism and emerging dementia meant she wasn’t safe at home so she’s been in a care home since 2021. She also has diabetes and has had several strokes. Early 80s. We went to see her yesterday (she’s in Devon, we’re in Wales, we went as part of a round trip to see DS at Uni), and found her struggling to « be in the room » though she did recognise us. Staff and nurses discussed end of life management with DH which came as a bit of a shock - he knew she was declining fast but we are the ones further away, his sister is on the ground, and six months since we saw her last has made a big difference. We spent an hour with her, showed her pictures of DS, and then she was exhausted. We had the strong feeling we were saying goodbye - although we could be wrong.

I feel sad today. DH is massively conflicted as she was drunk most of his teenage years and emotionally absent. However she was a lovely MIL to me and she adored DS and we have many happy memories from when he was younger. I gave her a big hug yesterday.

Meanwhile my DPs are a decade older than her and still buggering on. Taking Mum for an ultrasound on her liver on Friday.

@ElderlyDilemmas nice to (virtually) meet you. Your story sounds very similar to mine. My DF passed away after a short illness, but my parents supported each other in a similar way and the speed of the change was similar. From what you've said, I'd be inclined to start the process of a dementia/memory assessment if you haven't already and if your DM will agree- especially of the anxiety etc is not a life long thing. With the benefit of hindsight I can see that my DM's cognitive abilities were declining for a long time before DF died.
I'd also look at ways to outsource tasks you do for your mum, or ways to make them simpler. I think everyone appreciates how difficult it is to provide physical health care support but it's easy to minimise the time, energy and mental load involved in effectively running a second household (especially when you can't just organise it as you'd like, because it's not actually your household) and coping with constant calls for help/attention from someone who is anxious and/or confused.

Thank you @teaandbigsticks she did have a memory screening at her own request in September but it only came back with mild cognitive decline. She requested it because she was extremely worried that she was developing dementia because her Mum had it at the same age. The anxiety is lifelong and is one of the reasons I suspect ND, we have lived with her anxiety, phobias and complete inability to assess risk for the whole of my life (one of my earliest memories is of her being in hospital following a breakdown). But the memory has certainly got worse since Dad's accident, however she now thinks she's fine because the memory clinic said so. Aaargh. I am trying my best to streamline the admin, it's not so much difficult as finding time to do it all.

Hello all
I have never contributed to these threads before, although I often post on other threads on this board, I saw a new thread so thought I'd pop in. My mother had dementia for ten years and died last year in a care home. I'm an only child so I had to do anything that needed doing.

@ElderlyDilemmas the same thing happened to my mother initially. She was fixated on the idea she had dementia because her mother had, and took herself off to the memory clinic. The doctor said 'age related mild cognitive decline'. But six months later she went into hospital for a physical issue and the doctors treating her noticed cognitive issues and re-referred her, and she was then diagnosed with dementia. Although what they called it didn't make much difference really. Soon after that I arranged at-home care for her. I still break out in a sweat remembering all the admin during those years!

DF 92 has very poor memory. No recollection of recent visit in December to rheumatologist about his hand, can’t handle any paperwork, can’t remember what he needs at the supermarket, pulled out his own internet cable as he didn’t remember what it was for and has district nurse in daily to administer his insulin because they were worried he was forgetting or double dosing. But somehow when doctor came and did informal memory test he passed that so I am in no rush for official memory clinic. Maybe it is normal age related decline, but the upshot is his daily executive functioning isn’t great and currently being propped up by bed bound DM whose speech is going and - increasingly- by DH and I.
I don’t know what they ask - they seem to take DFs ability to remember his own DOB as an excellent sign. We know that if the doctor said he had dementia and needed to go into a home, he probably would do it, but it seems the bar is very low.

That does sound tough. My DM also had a memory assessment at the GP a few years ago as she was a bit worried but also was told there was no problem and for a long time relied on this as meaning everything was definitely fine. We're still in the process of getting formal diagnosis for DM but she's having a lot more tests etc than last time and it's very obvious there's some problem. You mention having to do admin tasks for your DM- is that because of her anxiety or does she struggle to understand what to do? With my DM her memory for many things is not bad but it's her processing function that doesn't work as it used to if that makes sense. So for example she knows that she needs to fill in a simple form, remembers what it's for/why she needs to complete it and with a bit of patience can remember the information she needs to include (DOB, address etc). But if she tries to do it herself she gets mixed up about what information is needed in which box, gets the information muddled (eg only half her address, random words in the middle) and gets confused about the instructions (eg today's date v date of birth). In her own words- she knows what needs doing but can't work out how to do it. For me this was an early sign that something was wrong as she used to love a good form.

@rookiemere I think the memory clinic tests are quite a bit more in depth as they test for long and short term memory. It isnt diagnostic but alingside blood tests it can be used for screening and assessing progression.