Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

She’s got an adapted bathroom with a seated shower and the carer would help her. She has a tendency to adopt a very passive air these days and it drives me mad. There’s definite cognitive changes but she’s able to make her breakfast and cooked her dinner when the carer was there. She can dress and undress herself independently and is independent with all hygiene needs. She manages her medication with the dosette box, is walking with the rollator really well, does her online banking, puts away her clean, dry laundry and now she’s pain free she could probably put it in the machine too. She can’t do the cleaning or gardening or shopping, and cooking is something she needs to work on doing again now her mobility has improved. She needs a lot of support with executive tasks mainly and lots of emotional support. I just don’t see that she needs 24hr care in a home.

I think we are at the same stage with MIL @Dormit she needs encouragement to do things and a lot of emotional support but she doesnt need a care home yet. However this is BILs solution whenever DH asks for any help from him. She would be self funding and would run out of money in a few years if we went down the care home route.

Belated happy new year to you all- here's hoping we all manage to find some space for ourselves this year.

My DM is still staying with Brother and clearly thinks this is an indefinite arrangement despite the fact that she is sleeping on a sofa in their living room and being taken to her own bungalow every few days for a proper wash/shower. Clearly this is not sustainable for any of them but they refuse to properly consider any longer term plans. I am bracing myself for a crisis very soon when DB and his family are back at work/school and everything gets more real.

DB has clearly spent the time with her doing some olympic level re-writing of recent events. They all agree now that DM does not have dementia, she just struggled with living alone in a large home with too many memories. She has not had any of her frightening delusions/hallucinations since she has been staying with them and so they are certain that if she did have dementia this would have continued wherever she was. They have a vague idea that 'when she's a bit better' she will move to a smaller place near to them and all will be well again. She currently says she will go ahead with the mental health assessment I have been organising but apparently I have made all of these arrangements about dementia behind her back and without even speaking to DB. Apparently when she and DB told me that I must make the GP understand her assessments/treatment needed to be expedited due to her delusions what they meant was that I should find out what would be done, hypothetically 'if' any of this was happening and report back so they could decide whether to do anything else.

I hope that when we do get appointments for mental health and social care needs assessments DB does not manage to hoodwink the professionals. The reality is that without the delusions DM could live alone with a cleaner and a carer once a day (to make sure she has a meal) plus someone (this is currently me) dealing with her finances, household admin and organising/taking her to many medical appointments and organising shopping etc. However, when she is left alone for even one night she gets worried and expects someone to be available 24/7 to speak to her and to go to her if she is scared. This happens even if when she has lots of daytime visitors. When she is worried she becomes delusional and has hallucinations and/or has panic attacks and says she has fainted/fallen (I don't think she really has since she is very frail but never injures herself but I do think she really believes this happens). I can't see how being alone in a different, unfamiliar, house will help with any of this or any even vaguely affordable carer arrangement that would prevent any of this.

I had a long chat on the phone with my mum today and apart from
being thrown by a carer who hadn’t been before, surely as she was earlier than usual, there were no signs of any confusion and throughout the call and we chatted for45 minutes. She was absolutely fine. The GP saw her earlier and thinks she’s fine. I’m very pleased and relieved but baffled at the difference from yesterday. Unless the infection only cleared between me seeing her yesterday and talking to her today. The GP certainly doesn’t think she needs to be in a home. Mum thinks my siblings should support me but it’s obvious I can’t talk to the only one I will talk to now. Thank goodness for you lovely lot helping me stay sane!

It is probably delirium from the op and UTI @Dormit.

DF is also very confused at the moment, definitely delirious he is hopefully going home tomorrow if the hospital can sort his medication out. We spent all day sorting out a downstairs bed for him so he can come home sooner. He seems to be convinced that DH is going to sleep at his house upstairs which he has been told is categorically not happening.

I spoke too soon. Mum has fallen and is currently on the floor waiting for paramedics and care call. My sister has told care call she “can’t” won’t go up so I’m dragging Ds out to go up there. I should have shares in uber! She’s in agony so I’m really worried what she’s done to her back so soon after spinal surgery.

I hope everything is OK @Dormit

Hope all is well and that there aren’t any injuries with your DM.

I’ve had a day of meal prepping to take over to DGM but I don’t think it’ll be tomorrow.

Need another 24h or so to really chill out before I can think about going over there again.

Been thinking about speaking to social services as I had a health app for myself recently where they are pushing to get some things resolved but can only do so with rest etc which won’t happen unless I do less for DGM.

DGM really blows her top at any mention of social services so it’ll be fun but rural living, no transport, only a bath so does a bird bath only (yuck! - and no amount of convincing to go use the shower at my mum’s or mine), neighbours in their 70’s and all getting older/grandkids and only myself that has been putting up with her out of all the family because of how she is so needing looking at sooner rather than later considering she’s closer to 94 than 93 now and things will only go downhill from here.

Would rather push it now so things are in place for when things get really bad.

Don’t really care about her liking me or not. Don’t care about the neighbours’ opinions either.

More about having peace of mind that the basics are sorted so she can’t have any bad burns/ slips / injuries which are slowly arising from her gradual loss of muscle tone.

Also keep thinking about what crap she will be up to on her own and the poor dog.

She doesn’t understand that a dog needs a clean bowl every day for water; thinks topping up the same bowl with all the biscuit and mud and hair is fine and justifies it by saying that the dog prefers the water outside… doesn’t- just that the water inside is so bad that anything else is better.

If it doesn’t rain for a few days the dog is screwed though and if she doesn’t let the dog out enough which also happens by afternoon onwards when she’s too tired to means pee on the carpet and a honking ammonia smell. 🙃

Needless to say the dog loves me coming to visit and DGM hates seeing me do the things she doesn’t/can’t instead of being glad which is reallllly f-ing sad.

That’s my rant for the day over!

Thanks to anyone who bothers reading.

Any social work advice welcome as I have no clue what I’m doing really.

Thank you. She’s been taken to A&E to get checked out to make sure she’s not done herself a mischief. She’s got a graze to her back above the surgical site but mainly it’s her side that hurts. When I got there the house was in complete darkness she’d not put her bedside light on to go to the toilet and hadn’t put anything on her feet. I’ve told her she must put her trainers on (slip on ones that are sturdy) for any walking so she’s more stable. She was able to get up off the floor with help and get on the commode and pull up her PJs so her standing and walking a few steps were really good and her normal ability. She was so upset though because she’s terrified my siblings will put her in a home. I’ve reassured her as best I can that it’s not their decision to make and would be a decision made between her, me and professionals and to try not to worry. It is worrying me that she’s not making sure she’s safe. She’s been told so many times. I think this time has really shaken her up and she knows that if she keeps falling then a care home will be the safest option. Hopefully that will be what she needs to make her keep herself safer. The carer had gone there too early so had left just before she fell. The call is supposed to be 9.30pm but she had been and gone by then and that’s when mum fell.
Care call asked my sister to go up and she said she couldn’t but when I git there mum said she was on her way so that was awkward and she was then annoyed that she’d had a wasted trip. Not my fault or my problem. I abandoned bedtime for Ds to go up there. Good job I did because care call wanted to get her off the floor when 999 had said not to. They didn’t know about her social condition but I don’t see how when that’s the whole reason she has care call. I just hope she doesn’t have to stay in hospital and can be back home in the morning. I’m going to ask social services to do another care act assessment but I think this boils down to her own foolishness being lax with her safety.
I didn’t sleep well last night and it looks like tonight will be no better. I fell asleep twice on the sofa today and have had no dinner. Ah well. I’ll make sure I get a good breakfast in the morning. I’m too wired to sleep or eat now.

*spinal condition

@PearAndGingerCakethat sounds really hard. If you phone her local adult social care services and explain the situation they should be able to help. Ask them to do a Care Act assessment and say how you are struggling to provide the care she needs and that you are concerned for her safety, that she’s neglecting her hygiene needs and needs more than you can give. Our council have been pretty good. A few hiccups but overall I’ve been happy with them. It’s the hospital that were dreadful. I hope you can get something sorted.

Fingers crossed for your mum. It was repeated falls that precipitated my mums move to a care home. She too wouldn’t wear proper slippers/shoes or use her walking aids and has very little muscle tone so it was hardly surprising she fell on the way to the loo in the night. Fortunately she didn’t break anything but the last time she was found by the morning carer on the floor covered in blood they of course rang 999. Enough was enough as far as I was concerned.

She feels overwhelmed with everything she needs to remember at the moment. She was so distressed tonight though. The gas and air helped enormously to get her comfortable and off the floor. She goes stiff as a board when she falls. No tumbles for mum, it’s like a cartoon where someone gets whacked on the head with a frying pan and they go stiff and fall flat on their face. The tensing up means she often strains muscles and gets muscle spasms that take a while to settle down. It was horrible seeing her so upset tonight. She was in such a state because she was frightened of what my siblings would do. Once she’d calmed down with a mixture of reassurance, two amazing paramedics and entonox she was much better. I hate that my siblings who do very, very little for mum are trying to call the shots and are scaring her. Her home is set up for her needs with an adapted bathroom and step lift to the garden and drive which is all level. It’s a lovely garden that I’ve spent a lot of time making lovely for her. It was nice before but it’s been tweaked and made level, lots of bulbs planted for spring that came up for the first time last year along with ones that have been there years. There’s a new seating area and a garden bench I restarted and a lit archway over it with a rambling rose I bought her for her birthday romping away. It’s glorious last summer and smells divine. I love gardening and making her garden a nice place to be and it means a lot to her. We go to the garden centre together to choose new plants each year for the tubs and I usually talk her into a couple of new shrubs for any gaps. I do her hanging baskets and sweet peas, having taken over from my dad on those ones. I know I’ve been really stressed the last 6 months with things with mum but I do love helping her and spending time with her. Hopefully once she recovers from her surgery things will calm down again and we can start getting out and about.

@Dormit It sounds like you're having a tough time, but hopefully your mum will get better and more independent again soon. It sounds like you have done a lot to make your mum's home lovely and you clearly want what's best for her. But please don't forget that you matter too. Even if you want to be totally selfless, you won't be able to look after your mum and your son if you are exhausted and make yourself ill. I wonder whether anyone at the hospital might be able to point you in the direction of who to speak to about better short term care help this time?

@Dormit every sympathy for your DM and for you. I love the way you talk about the garden you have created for her. Her garden was the thing which DM missed when she went into hospital before dementia claimed her.

Most have DM's medication has now been stopped - she has multiple health conditions which were being managed. Now her kidneys arent working the feeling is that she isnt getting benefit from these. There will be a review in a couple of weeks but I think we are heading towards an end of life pathway.

@bigbootsweather is B back to work on Monday?

@Dormit whatever happens you know you have done and continue to do your utmost best for your DM, you can read the love in all your posts.

I feel guilty as I could and would ( I think) be a better DD and do more for DM if DF was not around. He has never been an easy man and the memory loss/possible dementia means I find it really hard to be around him which now I have do to do for large swathes of time. We are currently on negotiations for a Morrisons order next week, which is so much more complicated than it needs to be although DM is also not helping as likes to get her tuppence in as well.

When he was briefly in hospital or DM and I are alone it is so much easier. I brought DM some ready meals that she liked, and then for our pre Christmas meal when the boys were out she brandished two spoons when I had heated up her gluten free pudding and we ate it together at the table.

The two of them together is almost impossible, but I suspect DF on his own will get much worse. I wish they had a better DD or had chosen to have more DCs, at least DH is prepared to do more visiting. If they lived closer than an hour away we might be able to do more of the regular visits they need, but that brings it’s own challenges.

Oh my cousins email was to let me know her DD is having twins so I could tell DPs. It is indeed lovely and I am so pleased for her but they are both far, far past having any interest in anyone other than themselves. I know this isn’t their fault but my cousins are imagining some rose tinted version of them from a few years ago. One - who is my favourite and should know better- asked if we might move DF in with us.

Thank you. She’s fractured her spine in 4 places 😩 she’s ok but upset with herself. They are keeping her in tonight to see the spinal team tomorrow. I’ve spoken to the trauma and orthopaedic on call and he’s great and will write up her medication correctly. He’s been very lovely and thorough in his assessment. Just need to see what the spinal team say tomorrow. She says she’s learnt her lesson about being careful! They are going to check her urine too and make sure the infection has actually cleared. She’s completely lucid today though.

@PearAndGingerCake, have you heard of the Cinnamon Trust? Wondering if they might help. Sending thoughts and 💐

Yes. He and his partner are both back at work and their child will be back at school too. They are currently maintaining that the problem was bad dreams/memories etc associated with the house where DF died - she has no mental health/cognitive problems so she would be fine if she moved to a smaller place near them. For all the reasons I've mentioned previously I think this would be a terrible idea. I would love to be proved wrong, but the cracks are already starting to show (when I call I can hear that B is getting exasperated with her and B forgot to collect her medication last week as he claimed he was busy and expected her to remind him).

I know it sounds unkind but I know I need to take a step back if B is ever going to accept that DM will need more help than we can offer. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before I am told that I B has done his bit and now I need to move DM in with me until I sort her somewhere else. If for some reason I did agree to that I can guarantee that DM would never want to move out and B would fight me every step of they way if I tried to sell her house and move her to a care home. It's a moot point anyway as I don't have space for an extra person even if I was willing to consider it. I'm hoping we get a professional dementia assessment very soon and that will persuade him that more help will be needed (if it's not already).

@rookiemere I know what you mean about extended family with rose tinted views. I think it's impossible for those who are not dealing with the day to day slog (or have personal experience of it) to realise how much it takes to look after them or how little interest/understanding they now have of anything outside their own wants/needs. One of our family members came up with the brilliant solution that I could set myself up and office at DM's house and work from there every day instead of working from home- it would not make much difference to me and DM would not feel alone. Family members who live further away frequently ask when I will take them over to visit them for a day- with no idea of what would be involved in actually getting DM to come on a long road trip.

@Dormit hope you get better news soon.

Meanwhile I'm still NC with goldenballs. I know that eventually I will need to speak to him for mum's sake but I'm going to keep it up as long as I can. I dare say he and SIL are complaining that I'm being childish and having a tantrum but I won't tolerate a couple who moved 5 hours away a few months after dad died, knowing mum has Alzheimer's telling me how I should live my life (basically spend all my time at mum's) because they would do xyz if they didn't live so far away and insisting I'm "on the spot" when I'm an hour away. Especially when goldenballs has continued to bark orders at me with zero consideration of DHs recent health issues.

@bigbootsweather I did suppress a giggle.I tried to bring up cousins name to DF but he got confused and thought I was talking about a vegetable that sounds similar, because all he can really hook on to these days is me as provider of the groceries. Best not let it slip to cousin though as I doubt she would find it amusing.

@bigbootsweather and @countrygirl99geez these Bs are really something. Hold strong - sounds like minimal contact or engaging with their errant nonsense is the way to go. I know it might be hard in the short term on the EP, but may help them accept more sensible long term solutions.

@Dormit I am sorry about your DM. Does this mean she will need to be in a back brace? I hope they are able to manage her pain.

@bigbootsweather your 'D'B is so selfish. All this so that he can keep a bolt hole at your DM's home.

Once more I realise how much my DB does. I do feel sorry for him though. He is now paying the price for being attentive goldenchild. DM gets angry and abusive towards him if thwarted and he has no armour. It hurts him terribly.

@GnomeDePlume if your DM's kidneys have really 100% packed up, then she may not have long left (days or a couple of weeks). It's what happened to my DM, heart failure treatment meant keeping the heart & lungs going at the expense of her kidneys.
Sorry. Clearly you know the score already.

@Dormit I'm so impressed at how helpful you are to other posters when you must be perpetually exhausted. You're appreciated here, anyway.