Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

Thanks @BestIsWest , good to know.

Dad already does an online shop, he can still manage to do a regular weekly order with Tesco. So I know that if I couldn’t get there for some reason they’d be fine for food, plus they have a big freezer. The reason he goes out is because he always has, he wants to stay active and a bit independent. Sometimes he doesn’t like Tesco’s substitutions and he wants to look at fruit and veg before he buys it - all reasons I think are fair enough. I already go once a week, this would make it a couple of hours more the same day.

I know what you mean, you might be right. I just worry about him doddering about on his own in the winter - even though the taxi firm and the local Morrison’s staff all know him.

Happy New Year to you all. Here’s hoping 2026 is less stressful and we can all find some peace and time for ourselves without guilt.
Mum has now finished the antibiotics and feels better but still tired. She bounced back after the first surgery but not so this time which is understandable at 86. Once Ds is back at school I’ve said we’ll start getting her out regularly. Sitting around doing nothing makes people feel more lethargic in my experience. My sister moves later this month so it will be interesting to see how often she comes to see mum. She didn’t stay for long yesterday. Evil aunt didn’t even hoover on Monday and the floor was a mess. I told mum to ask the carers to do it. It’s a small bungalow and it takes a few minutes to run the hoover round. She’s got plain carpets so they show every crumb.
We were out partying at a gig last night. Ds had a ball as did I. Dd tolerated it 🙄 It was a good night and mum did message me to say she hoped we had a good time so that’s an improvement. It’s good to get the usual hugs off the band and see our gig mates. They look after Ds really well. He was bouncing like Zebedee to his favourite songs. It was great to see him relax and have fun. He can be himself without judgement at the gigs. We dr isn’t get home until 2am so we are rather zombified today.

Mum has said nobody has been to look at her dressing so I had to remind her she’d been discharged because she told them she didn’t want them. Oh. Although surely someone like the district nurses should still be coming to check her wound? I’ll call them and leave a message.

Thanks @harrassed and @funnelfan. I’ve ordered something like the phone with photos plus an additional handset for the bedroom.

I haven't phoned mil to wish a Hny either . Phoned her twice on Christmas day , once before she was picked up by her Granddaughter to go off to theirs on Christmas Day ( lunch / Christmas tea , she would have been surrounded by gc/ ggc / her daughter ) told me is was having a horrible Christmas , and then again when she was at home after all the festivities complaining that children get too much presents .
I wished her a Merry Christmas on both occasions not for it to be said back to me .
We've phoned several times since to be told she hopes to be dead by next Christmas , so I'm sure,a Happy New Year from me would only involve more moaning .

HNY all.

We are now in a strange limbo. DM sleeping more and more. On the whole calm but still insists she can walk to the toilet when the mood is upon her (in fact she hasnt taken a step in over a year). Then gets angry when thwarted.

Blood tests have revealed that her kidneys are slowly packing up. I dont think treatment is planned, just keeping her comfortable.

Just hoping that her GP doesnt have the bright idea of sending DM to hospital.

Does anyone know what happens if a parent needs to go into a home, but the house is occupied by someone over the age of 60 who isn't a spouse?

It's something I worry about a bit as my parent has a family friend as a lodger. The lodger does some housework, shopping and gardening and pays a small rent which includes food. At the moment my parent is ok with this lodgers help and I hope this will continue as I wouldn't want the lodger to lose their home.

Ill just scream into the void in your company. DM lives alone, has Parkinsons and is the most miserable woman alive. But that last bit is nothing new. She decided to travel long haul to visit my siblings for Christmas, developed pneumonia and is now refusing to go home. My Dsis is frantic, DBro wants to put her in a home and DM just tells everyone she wants to die. DSis is nice but entirely useless, I have no idea if DM is safe to fly, or how she'll get home, as DM refuses to talk to me at the moment. And today I got the call I was expecting, would I do a 10 hour flight, collect DM and bring her home.
Dealing with the self inflicted chaos is a killer.

I texted DM “Happy New Year”. Felt like an awful fraud, there is no way in which this is a HNY for her, but I can’t face talking to them as I know DF will ask when are we coming again ( we were there two days ago) and he needs a few groceries ( fridge groaning due to shopping trip when we visited two days ago), that is if he doesn’t cut me off - apparently there is an issue with the phone but it worked fine when I tried it when I was there.

A cousin messaged me from US. I had to laugh - two liner basically asking about Dad, no pleasantries for us or enquiries as to if we had a nice Christmas and New Year. She is very fond of him, but also fond of the flights he paid for her and her DH to come over to UK. Cynically I suspect that’s why she has been in contact.

My normally very stoic friend burst into tears at the bus stop after a few wines last night when I asked how her DF was. She said she wishes he would die for his sake, I was shocked as it’s normally just me that says that sort of thing but she has had such a rough time over the past 18 months or so.

@GnomeDePlume that sounds tough.

I think the friend is stuffed

@turkeybootsI hope you aren’t flying over ! Why can’t they fly back with her ?

Of course you can't do that. Those on the spot will have to deal with it and if she needs to go into a home, even temporarily, she might learn a lesson.

I suspect as much, which I feel bad about as they are very helpful, do things like driving to hospital appointments etc. I'm just hoping it doesn't come to that. I'm pretty sure if they were family and over 60 the house wouldn't need to be sold in the event of moving to a CH, but I'm not sure.

Thanks all. I'm not going to collect her, for a pile of reasons including the fact my passport has just expired and the idea of a long haul flight with her is just horrifying. I'm not volunteering for hours of poor me and character assassination. Siblings wanted her there and they can figure out how to get her back. I suggested they move her flight to give her more time to recover, oddly it seems they don't like that option. They just feel guilty but I can't and won't fix that for them.

Hold on in there.

Very fortunate timing in having an expired passport that. This gif has had a lot of work to do this holidays so I’ll lend it to you. 😁

@turkeyboots does she have travel insurance, I mean it feels like anywhere 10 hours away will have chargeable medical costs ?

That's a hell of a cheek asking you to fly out to get her @turkeyboots. I know that you both can't and won't do it, but did they suggest who might pay for your return flight and the work time that you would be missing?

I wonder if they could pay for someone to escort her? I'm sure they will work something out as you say, and the more annoying she gets the more incentive they have to work it out.

I think shes gone without travel insurance, so I'm grateful she didn't have serious fall or need hospital treatment. I know DSis has been paying for gp visits and medication. I have to step away for my sanity, but then they try to suck me back in by making stupid decisions leadingto situations like this. Its so frustrating to always have to be the mean one pointing out reality. And of course noone is offering me plane fares or respecting the potential impact on my life. Much easier to snipe from another continent.

@turkeyboots so two of her children want you her third child to fly to another country to fix the situation they helped create. Hard no. Between the two of them they need to sort the situation out. What a good thing your passport is out of date!

DF being recalcitrant today refusing to eat or use the commode with hospital staff because DH didn't visit. He is also really confused and told the OT he has a stair lift at home, 🤔 the stair lift he has been refusing to get for the last 18 months.

I was at work and the ward kept phoning me. DH had the kids, the youngest is being impacted by how much time we have been having to spend at the hospital because he is worried that DH will get catch something at the hospital, get poorly again and end up in hospital himself. DF is as usual oblivious to the impact his choices and behaviour have on everyone else.

@turkeyboots just say no. This is incredibly outing but whatever… About 10 years ago my mum went to stay with family half way round the world, fell and broke her ankle. Had insurance, hospital was like a 5* hotel and they flew her back business class. Next time she went she fell and broke her wrist. Didn’t have travel insurance that time. Told me she wasn’t allowed to fly home without having had the surgery to pin it, it would be £15k+ and she needed the money. DH refused to even think about it (long and predictable history) so I told her no can do. Next thing she’s on a plane back, and had the op on the NHS 🙄. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

So frustrating when a crisis is caused by unnecessary choices.

This is exactly the kind of thread I’ve needed today.

Was driving home earlier thinking why do I get the shit family members when it feels like everyone else I know seems to get on fine with their relatives.

Today I left my visit early because DGM (in her 90’s) brought up narky comments again about how she disagreed with how the decline of DGF went (she buried her head and pretended it wasn’t happening) and I had had enough saying I’ll come back another day.

She was horrified that I’d be happy to let the food go to waste but come on… we all know that between the dog and the chickens there will be no waste; it was a few oven chips and a small haddock gratin not a huge turkey!

Most days I can shrug off her comments etc but it’s getting worse as she gets weaker and more miserable and im only human and have off days where I just can’t stand the nonsense she gets up to- climbed a ladder the other week on her own, neighbour popped in and luckily took over the ceiling painting she was attempting but stuff like this goes on all the time and she couldn’t give a hoot that it stresses family out.

Need some advice please. I am worried about the snow that’s forecast next week. DPs live in middle of Scotland up a hill and it’s due to snow for about 10 days straight. They are currently getting 4 carers a day primarily for DMs catheter bag changes and toileting needs, DF has health visitor in daily to make sure he takes his insulin. They are practically impossible to contact by phone - DMs speech is fairly unintelligible ( I suspect a series of mini strokes) and DFs memory and executive functioning is shot so he won’t remember anything that’s if he doesn’t manage to cut me off on the phone as apparently it doesn’t work properly.

I am worried about what happens if their carers can’t make it due to weather. We live an hour away so won’t be of much use and there are no neighbours that I could ask to change a catheter bag anyway. I am due to be away from Sunday. We do have winter tyres on the car so I suppose DH could go up if he absolutely had to.

I wish I had forced them into a care home, or DM anyway. Anyone been in the situation where the carers can’t make it?

@rookiemerecould you contact the care agency and ask what they have in place to ensure they get to clients in ice and snow? They are probably used to ice and snow and will have plans in place. Hopefully they can put your kind at rest.

I’ve not had much sleep again. I would have slept in but needed to phone the GP at 8am to request a home visit for mum. Yesterday I went to see her and she wasn’t herself at all. She might need more antibiotics if the UTI hasn’t cleared. My brother just said she needs to go in a home because she lacks capacity. She doesn’t lack capacity though. She’s getting confused about some things and as a result making life difficult for herself and others but I don’t think any professional would seem her not to have capacity. He doesn’t get a say anyway. I have LPA and it’s agreed that mum would have maximum care visits plus or minus me before any consideration of a home. If the maximum care calls weren’t enough then it would be considered but she’s nowhere near that. My siblings just can’t be doing with the hassle and want her in a home to assuage their guilt. I think at the moment she’s depressed and anxious and with the recent surgery and hospital stay over Christmas plus UTI we can’t expect her to be perfectly ok. Christmas can be a lonely time without all that going on. She was awful yesterday though to the point I left in a hurry. It’s really upsetting seeing her look unkempt and just not herself. I’ve spoken to the care agency and they are going to try and move the evening call to the morning to encourage her into the shower. Aunt has told her she doesn’t need to shower daily but she goes otherwise she gets that horrible old person smell about her. The routine of a daily shower is good for her mental health too. I’ll be there on Monday but after yesterday I’m not going up because I’m not exposing Ds to her while she’s like this. She kept asking why I was treating her like this and asked how dare I when I said I’d tried to get her morning call back. She wanted to know if I was going to report her for being unkempt. Really weird.

Hi @Dormit I hope you managed to get a doctor’s visit. It does sound tricky at the moment and I guess the medical professionals are best placed to assess how to move forward.

I always thought there would be a definitive moment between DPs being able to stay at home or move to a care home but now I see it’s many shades of grey with lots of things to be taken into consideration and it doesn’t feel like there is a right point to make that decision nor any right or wrong answer unless the person has definitively lost capacity. It sounds callous but the level of input from family also needs to be considered in the equation and that includes you as well as the rest of the family.

I understand what you’re saying about old person smell, but a shower can be quite an exhausting experience if your DM hasn’t got much energy. Maybe a strip wash in between days might work?