Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

Must remember not to complain about being only DC, once again these siblings sound horrific!
@Dormit I am sorry your DM is struggling but you sound so grounded and resolute which is good as it feels the professionals need to try and resolve this.

The discharge team who I was told would sort everything “don’t do that” to the point they don’t seem to do anything. They have said the original care agency will do it all but they can’t start until tomorrow because the hospital didn’t tell them she was being discharged and they have complained it’s an unsafe discharge. In the meantime the discharge team will do the extra calls even though they were supposed to be doing all the calls as they told me the care company couldn’t do it. It’s a joke. They don’t do assessing outside and it could be 8 weeks before someone will. That’s a laugh because she’s got to walk out of the house and up the drive to get into the transport to take her to the physio she thankfully has booked for January. Physio was supposed to be provided by the discharge team but they don’t do that. The discharge coordinator told me that they would do physio. Mum has hung up on me today and then I got really frustrated and hung up on her. She’d asked my sister to do something and got told she was too busy packing for moving house. She’s got a husband and adult dc at home. She’s not working but apparently she’s ill with stress so can’t do anything. Good job I could do things while off sick for months with stress hey!

The rewriting of history is hard to swallow isn't it. At Dad's funeral my GB brother talked at length about selflessly living with our parents for decades to help look after the house and the family business our parents had health problems. Although it came at a cost for his own career and personal life it was 'just what you do for family' and worth it for the opportunity to really get to know his Dad as a friend and colleague rather than just a parent. The reality that I lived through was our parents' lives being in tatters as they tried to keep a business going and support him though years of bad life choices. Obviously I wouldn't expect him to say the raw truth at a funeral but he could easily just have talked about something different.

@bigbootsweather what an appalling arse you DB is.

I am guessing this is because he wants DM's home to remain as his alternative accommodation. He realises that 3rd party care has to be paid for and that doesnt work with his fantasy.

Dementia doesnt get better. It gets worse, any move will likely shove it further on. Different rooms, loss of coping strategies, different sounds, different lights and shadows.

So my advice would be to look for somewhere which will mean that another move later on wont be necessary.

It has taken a long time to get there but my DB is now accepting that DM has dementia and that she is in the best place. And to be fair to him, he always had DM's best interests at heart.

Thanks @GnomeDePlume. I hope your DM is comfortable now. Your words have always helped me. I think you are right about Brother wanting to keep his bolt hole at Mum's. I just really can't understand how anyone can really think the current position is sustainable when to me it seems very clear that she needs to either properly live with one of us or we need to arrange for carers and start looking at plans for a care home. The saddest thing is I think mum would agree. If she was to live with one of us it would need to be properly thought out, including providing her with a proper bedroom, making adjustments so she can have a shower/bath and either bringing in carers or taking time off work to care for her. Neither of us can offer this at present and I am not prepared to consider it. Hats off to all of the lovely people on this thread who care for their ER full time but I don't want to do that and don't think it would actually be in her best interests.

He is committing elder abuse .

@bigbootsweather there is absolutely nothing wrong with having the boundary that you will not have an EP living with you. I am exactly the same and I also refuse to move in with them for any length of time. This seems reasonable enough to me as I am living with my DH and student DS ( some of the time) and DPs did no hands on care for their elderly DPs as neither was in the country at the time. It also makes for an easy one liner with the social worker and medical professionals when they are ascertaining what level of support is needed.

I worry in your case you may not be left with an option through your awful DBs interference. It sounds cold but can you refuse to speak to her when you hear DB in the background?

@bigbootsweather you need to raise a safeguarding with social care especially given his aggressive behaviour towards you.

I am in A&E with DF, who is clearly not fine and still wheezy after umpteen nebs.

Trying to catch up on everything but so tired so sending support, tea, sympathy and cake.
Mum is back home and doing really well. The emergency carer/care assistant turned up at 4pm to do dinner so much asked if she’d do something else to help instead and she did. She was really lovely. I did dinner seeing as I was there anyway sitting laundry and unpacking and tidying away Christmas presents. She ate it all and her pain is so much better now she’s got her own access to her medication. The hospital have somehow halved the dose of a heart medication she’s been on for years with no mention of it in the discharge notes. They didn’t put her pain relief in the blister pack either but luckily I’d picked up her regular medication pack from the pharmacy last week and gave just swapped it over. It’s scary how many mistakes are made and how dangerous it could be for patients if they don’t have someone on the ball looking out for them.

Still in A&E, DF being admitted. If he had listened earlier in the week and got seen by a doctor we could have avoided it, but he doesn't listen!

@Choconuttolata isn't that ever the story.

@Choconuttolata Hope your DF gets on to the proper ward soon. I've been there with my late DF too many times- he hated being in hospital and would try to cover up/deny how unwell he was to try to avoid it which of course meant A&E trips.
@dormit Glad to hear your mum has a lovely carer helping. I think carers/care homes get very bad press. I'm sure there are some awful ones out there, and I know carers are over worked and underpaid but my experience when FIL had carers and then went in to a care home was that most were lovely people who did a much better job of looking after his needs than family could possibly have done alone.

I'm currently enjoying a few days spending quality time with my DC and DH. I am expecting calls from adult social care and more doctors next week and grappling with what to tell them about mum's current position. I know that I really should tell them exactly what's been happening with Brother but equally I'm sure they will want to speak to mum about it and she will be very upset (she's told me clearly that I should pretend nothing has changed). Brother will also turn the narrative around and tell them that I have simply turned my back on mum. He's very skilled at appearing to be the doting son and painting me as the trouble causer- and mum is well practised at backing him up. I really don't want any of the drama/fall out and I know it will make mum's mental health even worse.

@bigbootsweather I am so sorry, you’re in an impossible situation, particularly if B is plausible when he speaks to the professionals. But you know any peace you get now by not telling the truth will come back in spades when B can’t cope and expects you to pick up his mess.

Can you be very factual - i.e. I do not believe DM can live independently or with carers because x,y,z . B has said that he will look after her in his hime but practically I am unsure that will be feasible as he is at work 5 days a week. I am prepared to do a,b,c but I cannot have DM live with me and I believe this would be unsafe because of x,y,z already stated.

I find copilot very good for shaping difficult conversations and it gives you some of the trigger words that social care etc. are looking for to ascertain if someone can remain at home.

Sorry if this is too simplistic, I know how horrendous it is when you’re in the middle of it.

We are back from our lovely Christmas away and back down to earth with a bang. Visited MIL this morning and she was talking all sorts of nonsense, she complained about the dressing gown and slippers we'd bought her for Christmas (nope not from us), she interrupted DH when he'd said two sentences about our trip as she wasn't interested and she couldn't tell us whether she'd been to see FIL in the care home with BIL yesterday or not.

DH managed to get out of that she's had nothing to drink for at least two days. She's so small and skinny that she's really susceptible to a lack of water. BIL thinks we fuss about nothing when we say he needs to make sure she drinks regularly. He did leave her some water but it was in the kitchen where she couldn't see it so she had none.

Several days in and how long is Christmas going on for?!

I am so sick of hearing about other people’s far superior daughters.

Bet they’re not really.

@rookiemere I think you're right- being factual and focusing on mum's specific needs is how to play it. I've had a look at copilot and it looks like a brilliant tool- thank you. It's not something I would have thought to use but I can see I need to prepare some clear factual statements with no emotive language etc. I don't know whether I should tell them that I will not have any direct contact with DB or why. I don't want it to derail the discussion assessment of mum's needs. The key problem I see is that he will tell them one story about what care he can provide then not carry it through. We had this issued when Dad died and he promised her 'someone' would stay with for a month to help her get through the funeral and used to being without him. He took 2 weeks compassionate leave from work and the agreement was that he would stay for that time then I'd stay for the next 2 weeks (plus dealing with all the 'death admin'). I am self employed so rearranged all my work around this. After a couple of days he told mum he was tired and needed his time off work to relax so he was going home. I ended up having to bring mum back with me and try to work around looking after her whilst he (by his own admission) spent the days watching films. Perhaps I need to frame this as something like 'DB wants to care for mum at home or at his house but I don't know what his plan is for dealing with disturbed nights when he needs to work the next day, or how he plans to do a, b or c.' I will definitely be reiterating that I currently do x.y and z and am not able to take on any additional care tasks.

@bigbootsweather glad to be of some help. I think I would mention the previous issues with DB ie. DB previously said he would look after DM for two weeks after her operation but was unable to cope after x days and I needed to collect her. If arrangements are made based on care being provided by DB I will not be able to provide emergency back up and am not prepared to discuss with DB due to his aggressive treatment of me. I would strongly recommend that DM needs to be in a care facility as she can no longer do xyz and it would be better for this to be managed in a controlled fashion rather than through an emergency when DB is no longer able to cope.

The likelihood is DM will continue to stay with DM in the short term as that’s the easiest solution for the professionals who won’t know what is factual and what is not. But I guess the key is when it breaks down you then contact the social worker and let them deal with the fallout- almost impossible I know as your DM is the one caught in the middle.

I do wish we all had the Freaky Friday ability to body change, I feel I would be up to a few rounds with your ghastly B, in a way I simply am unable to communicate clearly and kindly to DPs about their declining abilities and how they should now be considering care home options.

They so are not, it's all perception. There's probably someone out there using you as an example of a 'better' daughter.

Spent the afternoon with DM. She was in bed for the whole time having also declined all food. She slept a fair bit and in between naps talked utter nonsense. Her speech is very clear still but the content made no sense whatsoever.

The clear speech catches out carers who dont know her as they think that what she is saying must make sense!

@GnomeDePlume I hope you have someone at home making you cups of tea and letting you decompress. You probably feel you're in the right place doing the right thing but still, it doesn't come for free.

My ER mentioned assisted living at one point on Thursday, but then remembered that the cat would need somewhere to live too. I cannot imagine this would happen while she is still able to get herself to the loo.

I am genuinely grateful I don't have people sticking their oars in. I guess people who are caring for elderly relatives in a sane and coordinated group of helpers wouldn't need to be on here!

Thank you @MysterOfwomanY DH is very good. He went through this with his DM so understands and is being very supportive.

I'm not sure what is behind the not eating. DM gets very upset if anyone tries to push her to eat.

@MysterOfwomanY yes about people sticking their oar in. In my case if I “just” had DM to think about people may have found me a marvellous DD as I would have found her a nice nursing home and visited regularly. But throw DF losing his memory into the mix and who has always been an intransigent sod and not a great DF and is now allegedly her carer and thinks he is perfectly fine although now not allowed to drive and regularly forgets where the kitchen appliances are, well it’s just impossible and it’s really hard for me to be around no matter how much I gird my big girl pants.

However as he appears erudite and convincing when talking to medical professionals they all think he’s great with loads of capacity, whereas DM is perfectly compos mentis but losing her ability to speak and they think she has dementia because they can’t understand her.

The GP has prescribed mum antibiotics for the urine infection the hospital didn’t treat. She was so confused yesterday. The pharmacy is saying they need a week to change her dosette box and despite me saying it’s unsafe for her to have medication in various boxes due to confusion they have said they can’t do it. Evil aunt is over today so maybe she can fight with the pharmacy. The hospital have left out her pain killers from the rosette box and halved her heart meds with no reason documented so it’s an error. The GP is sorting that.

@GnomeDePlume Glad to hear you have a supportive DH on hand. My DH is also my rock through all of this (and now incredibly grateful that he is an only child). I'm not a medic but anecdotally one of the first signs that made me think my late DF might be coming to the end of his life was when he lost interest in eating anything. He wasn't particularly sicker than he'd been previously but it just seemed like his body was winding down to gently slipping away. It sounds like your mum is now in the right place and comfortable, which I think is all any of us can ask for.
@rookiemere Agree with you re people sticking their oar in. I really need to organise LPA for mum whilst she still has capacity. She had agreed to this but Brother keeps telling her she needs to think about it carefully and only do it if she's sure. This is obviously correct but in her situation we don't have all the time in the world. She always said the finance LPA should be in my name only, since I manage all her finances and admin. I am now concerned that Brother will say she should include him too (just to make things harder for me) and/or challenge everything I do/accuse me of mismanaging things. I know I need to do something, or there is a very real possibility that he will claim to want to manage it all, do nothing, then leave it all to me to sort out when she can't do anything for herself and is in a mess. We're now a long way past having any sensible conversations and in to the territory of him doing everything he can to make anything I've agreed to do for mum as difficult as possible.

Does anyone know how to activate an already sorted LPA? I’ve been told mum needs a dementia/lack of capacity diagnosis before it can used. Today we has cancelled the morning carers saying she’s tired and didn’t want to get up at the time they went. They’ve only done 2 mornings and the physio at the hospital said she was to have a minimum of 3 calls a day. The discharge team have said she’s got capacity so have to follow her wishes. She’s confused as to how many days she’s been back at home and who has seen her. Is now saying I’ve decided she needs antibiotics and making out she doesn’t need any for the urine infection. Evil aunt didn’t challenge her when she was asked about the morning call. She’s not made her own breakfast yet or anything and she’s cancelled that call. I’ve told her I won’t be there until new years day late afternoon so she’ll have to manage. I’ve spent what will be 8 and a half hours sorting out her care visits and medication today. Today Ds and I were supposed to be relaxing and playing with his presents 😡