Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

@Dormit I have so much sympathy for you. The LPA for Health and Welfare cannot be invoked until the person is deemed to not have capacity. If she is able to verbalise what she does or does not want when she is asked questions and the answers she gives have context to the question then she will be deemed to have capacity. It makes it incredibly difficult for those people around the person. The reality is they have the right to make their own choices - even if those choices impact hugely on those of us around them. I rue the day I agreed to sort LPA out for my parents. Could you get a social services assessment?

@Dormit For health and welfare LPA the GP (or memory team, psychiatrist etc) would need to assess her, it would not necessarily be a one appointment process of assessment either. Very difficult with fluctuating capacity, we had that issue with my Aunt it was only when she went into hospital after her fall that I eventually got a letter to allow me to release the LPA from the solicitors. They couldn't assess your DM properly for dementia until she had finished her treatment for her UTI anyway as she has a medical reason why she is more confused.

All you can do is set boundaries, carry on spending time with DS and then when the inevitable happens and she gets worse she goes back into hospital as a failed discharge. Or you jump in and rescue the situation again temporarily, but that is your call to make.

I am in a similar bind with DF stating his breathing is fine to the respiratory team this morning on their rounds while wheezing like a train and de-satting into the 70's when walking to the toilet. He will say whatever he can to get back home. He is in this situation because he refused to come in sooner and because he has capacity he can do that.

Financial LPA can be activated if they give permission for it to be used if they have capacity.

Trip out to meet people for lunch went well. As she said, she's got decent bladder control - quite a blessing. She's looking a lot perkier so fingers crossed. I'd like to get her to e.g. John Lewis and get her shopping for some nice new clothes - maybe that can be a future trip out.
@Dormit aaaargh poor you.

@Dormit my experience with DM was as @Choconuttolata described. Memory team assessed DM over a couple of appointments. Also there were blood tests to check there werent any other factors.

Hospital doctors talked to DF about a respect form today, so if he gets worse he is not for ITU, HDU, CPR etc.. He agreed to that and some medication to help with anxiety. End stage COPD is horrible so I am glad that he has agreed to not try and prolong the inevitable, it would be traumatic for him.

I am relieved that the doctors listened to me as well, I got to the hospital just in time to catch the respiratory team which was good as DF was lying through his teeth to them telling them his breathing is fine normally 🤨🤔😵‍💫

@Dormit It sounds like speaking to your local adult social care team would be a good idea. It sounds like your mum has capacity so they wouldn't do anything without her agreement but when I contacted them about Mum they were happy to take information from me and arrange to come and visit her to discuss her needs and advise on options for meeting them. Do you think she would agree to that? If nothing else, it's a chance to get her on their radar and have a sensible third party involved in the conversation with her. Even if it doesn't make a huge difference now, I think having her on their radar may make things easier if/when you need more from them (I'm certainly hoping this is the case for us)

@Dormit if the right box has been ticked on the finance LPA, you can use that at any time. I activated it at the bank when mums eyesight deteriorated and she wanted me to take over her finances.

The H&W one is trickier, because capacity can come and go. And people can have capacity for some decisions (e.g. what do you want to eat for dinner) but not for others eg fully understanding the consequences of living arrangements. For us it was the geriatric consultant’s assessment of capacity in hospital that finally got things moving.

Thank you all.

Mum is very off with me today and isn’t feeling well. She often doesn’t feel well when I’m not there. The duty Socisl either phoned me this morning to say they are putting in an extra call. Mum said 7am was too early, which it is, so accepted a 9.30pm one. Except when I spoke to mum she thought it was a 9.30am one 😩 it will be helpful to make sure the Christmas lights are off and the heated airer and see that she’s got what she needs. She’ll be in bed already at that time though. She’s upset with me because she knows I’m right and knows she’s messed up and because I won’t step in and fix it for her. She’s hit carers twice today for lunch and dinner and my sister is going tomorrow. I’ll see her on Thursday. She’s got one day without me and will have to deal with it but my god, the guilt! My sister and brothers get excused but I get the sulking and guilt tripping.

DM is now quite poorly and weak. Eating little and not really sure if she is drinking much either. I dont know if we are moving towards the end. This happened once before some months ago when DM was ill in hospital with a UTI. This time though DM has fewer reserves.

@GnomeDePlumethat’s really tough, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry @GnomeDePlume that’s very difficult to see. How does she seem in herself, is she calm now?

@GnomeDePlume 💐

@GnomeDePlume so sorry, it's really hard being in an unknown and possibly waiting for the worst stage.
We have been phoning utility companies etc. today to inform them of FIL's death. You can really notice which companies do bereavement training for call handling staff better than others. So far OVO have been the most careful in what they say.

This is hard, I found asking for the Probate Department always got a kind response. Not many people were unsympathetic. You find yourself repeating the same info Over again don’t you and it becomes very wearisome.

Yes, I think we are in the 'dont know' stage. CH have called for the GP but no idea when that will be. Could be today, could be tomorrow.

DB and I are keen to avoid hospital if possible. The local hospital is full. We are both keen to avoid DM being stuck in a corridor with all the indignity and discomfort that involves.

DM is comfortable and calm and has DB with her. DB and I are keeping in contact.

I'm finding it very difficult not to just prove Brother right and tell DM I'm out and will see her socially (if she wants) but have no more to do with her care or admin. I won't because I know she's not thinking properly but I am in an impossible situation.

Today I have spent many hours cancelling/changing arrangements relating to mum's care (that I had spent hours making a few weeks ago) because mum and Brother have changed their minds about what she wants/needs and/or because she won't be at home. They entirely refuse to consider Brother handling any of this. Any suggestion that he should (because he is responsible for the change in mind and is dictating when/where/how any different arrangements can be made) is met with an accusation that I am letting DM down just because I have 'fallen out' with DB.
I have also been challenged about why unravelling mum's messy finances is taking so long and why I am not doing more to sort it. I have reminded her that I can't make any calls about it without her with me because I don't have LPA (she wants to do this but says it's too much to do right now and Brother assures her there's no rush) and that we were about to make some calls when Brother came round to her place, got aggressive with me and threw me out. Apparently this did not happen; he was upset because he was tired and stressed and I stormed out because I didn't want to have to look after her that evening. So at least I now know what the official line to friends and family will be when they complain about me.
It's clear from discussions with her that she has no plans to go home any time soon so we will see what happens once Brother and his DP are back at work in the New Year. Brother remains dead set against any sort of residential care (this was part of what triggered his latest outburst) and mum refuses to stay at her place alone. I think he's assuming he can tell me I have to take her and I will have no choice. If he does I will offer to help find a home that will take her as self funding respite care but cannot move her in with me or live with her.

@bigbootsweather heartfelt sympathy about your brother. Have arranged to have coffee with a friend in a few days do we can have a mutual moaning about brother's session. Both of us have situations that resonate with yours

@countrygirl99 Thanks for the sympathy, and sorry to hear about even more women having their lives made harder by difficult brothers. It's particularly hard when you are trying to avoid upsetting a parent who simply can't/won't see them as anything but perfect.
@GnomeDePlume This must be a dreadful time for you

Sympathies for all going through hard times.

A troubling visit to DPs today. DM seemed much declined from a week ago, her speech is practically unintelligible and she seemed a lot sleepier than I had seen her before. She did eat and drink reasonably when I brought her things.I asked her outright if she wanted to go into a care home and her answer was that both DF and her should be in a care home but was unsure if she wanted to be, but then started talking about DF who apparently now doesn’t know when he needs to go to the toilet for pooing purposes- at least I think that’s what she said it’s difficult to be sure. I think she is frightened to leave DF on his own as he can’t manage and only her and I seem to see this.

Meanwhile DF had dropped and broken a glass and his hands look really bad with no circulation to most finger tips - we were at the rheumatologist a week ago and she suggested this was a side effect of long term steroids he is on for Crohn’s disease. The compression gloves she recommended had arrived from Amazon but DF had no recollection of having had the appointment and wasn’t keen to force them on. DH took him to get the shopping whilst I cleaned out the fridge of the out of date stuff - which I thought the carers were meant to do but seem to have given up. Meanwhile we have increased the cleaners hours and as she wasn’t packing away groceries yesterday she did actually have long enough to do the place thoroughly but it didn’t look great - but this is minor as long as she does something and they are happy with her.

I know I should probably try to speak to their social worker or doctor tomorrow, but I am not even sure what to do for the best. I feel with DM actually getting her into a nursing home might be a question of solving yesterday’s problem at this rate and when I spoke to the doctor a few weeks ago about DF she said there was a long waiting list for the memory clinic and hinted that based on doctors visit he would pass a capacity test.

They have 4 carers in a day and there are district nurses administering DFs insulin each day who must be seeing his hands when they are there.

This feels like a new level of adulting has been reached. Nobody prepares you for this.

Oh and DH spoke to DF last week about care homes.He’s all for DM going into one, seemed quite enthusiastic about it but unequivocally does not want to go into one himself.

Oh yes Brothers. Mine just walked away but did at least say he appreciated what I did!!!! 70 years of bullying. I used to say that I will do the care taking but the minute she and her DH died he would take over the rest. He knows the house held terrible memories for me and could not bear to go there.

I was such a fool he did nothing except take the money. When he asked me what I was going to do with my share, I told him I had given it away to my DC. The thought of spending a penny of it made me feel physically sick. He said I was mad after all I had done for her. She had said at every visit that there would be a tidy sum for me. Said in such away as if that was all I cared about.

@GnomeDePlume so long as your Mum is comfortable that is what matters. A&E was absolutely backed up on Saturday when DF went in, he was on a trolley until Sunday afternoon when they found him a bed, but he is still in the assessment unit, it is one in, one out for ward beds at the moment. Hospital is not always the best option especially with how full they are at the moment.

@bigbootsweather I am really crossing my fingers that the reality sets in for your DB once he goes back to work and things get easier for you.

@rookiemere you definitely should mention your concerns to their social worker, it sounds like they would be safer (and ultimately probably happier) in a CH perhaps a short respite as a trial might convince your DF although if he is anything like mine that might be wishful thinking.

@Dormit good that social care have put in another call, I know your DM just wants more of you, but you and your kids need some family time.

DF still in hospital, quite shaky about the reality of his situation. Having said he would go into a care home previously when everything was happening with his DSis rather than putting us through that he is now wanting to either move in with us or just have us there all the time which is not possible. We are floating moving nearer to us as an option that would mean it would be easier for us to pop in when he needs home nebulisers. I am not holding my breath as we first suggested a stair lift 18 months ago and he still hasn't agreed to that and he is not using his new downstairs bathroom that was put in 10 months ago. He only wants change on his terms which is not practical or achievable.

He only wants change on his terms which is not practical or achievable.

So sorry for everyone going through hard times. The quote above is so true. And it is indeed a whole new level of adulting....

Welcome to the new Cockroach Cafe yoga class, imbibing of 🍷 before the class starts is actively encouraged.

https://youtube.com/shorts/N-X6MEQh704?si=yqfDesJXz_uGV5er

Reading what you are all going through all I can say is that we are having it easy. DM's fall and subsequent lack of mobility meant that once she was ready for discharge a CH was the only option.

Having been solidly asleep for most of the day, DM woke up, drank a cup of tea, ate a couple of biscuits then went straight back to sleep. So who knows where we are.