@countrygirl99 Sending sympathy. I have had a similar Xmas with my brother. Mum's dementia symptoms (particularly delusions and auditory hallucinations) have become steadily worse over the last few weeks. Brother previously insisted that all symptoms were just a series of unconnected physical problems, misunderstandings or simply didn't happen but a few days before Xmas decided (after she woke him in the night instead of me a few times) that there is infact a problem. So we went very quickly from 'stop telling lies and trying to get doctors to say mum is mad' to 'why hasn't she had a proper assessment yet and why aren't you insisting it's done immediately'.
After many medical appointments to rule out physical causes I have managed to get mum's assessment put on to a quicker track, which I thought would be welcome news for him (mum was happy, she says she wants to understand what's happening and if anything can be done to help).
I thought perhaps we could now have a sensible conversation about mum's care and living arrangements (she says she doesn't care where she lives as long as there are people around her, which I think is actually exactly what she needs). Brother is a very opinionated person at the best of times and has decided that she should not consider a care home (he's told her she will be scared of any carers who are not family/friends) and should move to a smaller place near him. I feel that, using @GnomeDePlume 's wise words, this will be 'solving yesterday's problem' at best- by the time arrangements can be made for this to happen I think her care needs will be greater. I also worry about how she would manage alone in an unfamiliar place and think it could make her decline further- Brother already only lives 10 mins drive from her so I'm not sure how living closer would help either of them. If moving somewhere else on her own is being considered, I have suggested nearer to me might be sensible since I already organise/take her to her many medical appointments and do all her 'life admin'/shopping etc. If she was a few minutes away instead of several hours it would free up time for me to help her more and call in on her daily. Of course, he will not consider any of this.
He called in when I was over helping mum a few days before Xmas and almost immediately started shouting about how I should do more for mum and also for him (this is an recurring theme- he relied heavily on our parents and thinks it is my duty to step in to the role now). This quickly went from passive aggressive comments to mum about 'someone' wanting to 'shove her in a home' to shouting vitriol about me, DH and our DC. When I refused to react, he followed me around the house as I was trying to finish the jobs I was doing and gather my belongings shouting in my face to get out and never speak to him or mum ever again. The whole thing was very frightening. This was far from the first time he has done something like this and the aggression escalates each time. Obviously this is very distressing for mum as well as me so I have blocked him on my phone (I know from experience that this would have been followed up with nasty phone calls) and told them both that I will continue to help mum but can't be around him. I've not done this before, because I really don't want to add to mum's worries but there has to be a line drawn somewhere. His view is that he didn't hit me so I am over-reacting.
He has told mum that he will be looking after her now and she will never see me again, so I have had to reassure her that I will still be there for her. She's been staying with him since Xmas and he says she now can't be on her own at night but he's encouraging her to believe that she also won't cope with any external carers. He's already had her call me several times to say she needs me to do things for her (I can hear him telling her in the background what to say) and I am certain this will not last long (I predict it will end once he's back at work) before he decides he's had enough, sends her home and expects me to sort out the chaos he's created. Mum, of course, thinks he's amazing and won't hear even the gentlest suggestion that perhaps he doesn't have all the answers.