Extended family disappearing when parents get old

[atotalshambles]

Is anyone else experiencing this? My mum and dad are over 80 and in ill health. I live about 4 hours away from them. My mum has 2 siblings who are significantly younger. One lives overseas and has young children and we don't see them too much. The middle one we used to see a regularly when we were growing up but in the last couple of years has distanced herself. I have a feeling that it is due to the other sibling (who they were close to) moving abroad and not having much time for them. We used to see them every holiday when their children were young and I used to go and stay with them and help to look after their children. We would see them a few times a year and my mum and sibling would talk at least every 2 weeks. Sibling never phones my mum now and is pretty mean about her on the very occasional time that we see them (effort made by me). I think that sibling now want to concentrate on their children and their families and can't be bothered with their siblings. If we see them the sibling will talk about how they will help me but all they ever do is send the very occasional email. I have one sibling myself who is possibly autistic and cannot cope with life so care of my parents will be managed by me. My mum talks about her sibling all the time but I don't think sibling gives my mum a thought. My parents are very old school and I think this is the cause of the dislike. I am not sure that my mum will hear much from sibling again although. Would you invite the sibling to the funeral? I think my mum would want them there. I am not sure I would though and I would be organising. They would turn up and pretend that they had helped and really cared i think and that would make me very annoyed. Has anyone experienced this? Do I need to invite them and rise above all the nastiness? I guess I am hurt too as we all used to be close.

[ETA The OP asked about the experiences of others.]

I'm an only child. My mother outlived my dad and she also outlived her siblings. Her nieces and a nephew did occasionally visit.

I was also my late husband's carer. I've probably said too much about that on these boards, but there was little or no support from his adult kids.

They'd stay with my DH's ex and whichever partner she was with and meet us for a meal. Latterly, we always had the meals at a local restaurant because of my workload and the fact that we'd be expected to invite the ex. (Long story.) DH always paid.

One of them was supposed to stay with us one time, but didn't show. DH phoned his ex, to find that his daughter and her partner had gone there instead: "Mum thought we were staying with her, and I couldn't hurt her feelings."

When I became ill one time, I phoned the daughter to make it clear that DH would need care if anything happened to me."You're not thinking of leaving him are you?"

DH had three extended hospital stays over the years. He got one half hour visit from one of the kids. It was the same when their mother was unwell, actually. It was all left to her then partner. No hospital visit.

When she needed a day op, I was the one who volunteered to take her to and from hospital. (Her partner had died.)

Latterly, DH warned me that the kids wouldn't come to his funeral. I told him that he was wrong. He was right.

It was lockdown, tbf, but at least one of them could have managed. They did attend the funerals of their mother's two partners to support her. By lockdown, she was with another partner.

I think you are projecting your own issues. I do know - they don't want to spend time with ill relatives. Which I guess is fair enough. I have no idea if there would even be a funeral so all the final goodbye stuff wouldn't even apply.

Thank you @TryingAgainAgainAgain ! I will definitely take a look there. I think that some people can't cope with facing their own mortality and that's fine. I am happy to look after my folks and sibling. Thank you for your kind response.

You can tell peoplw they aren't welcome at a funeral though....

Telling of what? I'm confused?

@WearyAuldWumman That sounds absolutely horrendous and you sound like a wonderful person. I wonder if people are a bit thoughtless rather than directly horrible. But you sound like a wonderful person for putting the welfare of your DH and his ex-wife and children above anything else even when they act in a selfish way. I am not surprised that you post about it because it must have been so emotionally hard for you to cope with the death of your parents and your husband on your own.

This isn’t unusual, OP. I’m nearly 51 and most of my friends are in their 50’s- we’re the main supports for our elderly parents, not their siblings. My auntie calls my Dad every couple of weeks and has helped with specific things like a lift to a family event, but it’s limited. Her own adult children and grandchildren are her priority, which is fair enough. If she ever needs support (she’s several years younger), her children will step up.

It’s a difficult life stage, we’re sandwiched between our parents and children trying to do our best for all of them. Hang in there. 💐

It is absolutely. Thank you.

@2015pls you're back I see! So for you to summarise - sibling lives overseas as they struggled in the UK with relationships and jobs. They have no formal diagnosis but I guess they are neurodiverse. They are emotionally very dependent on my parents and struggle in lots of ways. They have a lovely partner but still struggle. Parents are in ill health but I guess I they could potentially live for another 10 years or so (nor not). Their sibling does not contact them much really (some of this is their fault as they don't phone either) and I wondered what happened in the situation where parent lives for another 10 years in ill health with little or no contact with sibling for example if they died with funeral etc.. If parent died now then sibling would come to funeral and it would be a traditional funeral I was musing about the future if years go by with no contact etc.. In that situation as another poster mentioned you do what you can but if might end up being myself, my family and sibling ultimately unless they have a formal funeral and that would depend on many factors. Ultimately would be up to parent if they are able to make the decision or myself and sibling if not.

That isn’t me

check my posting history

I’m pathetic when it comes to blocks of words with zero paragraphs so I’m afraid I won’t be reading that op 😳

I can see why you'd think Onionlove81 is 2015pls, OP. The same hectoring tone. But posters can only post in one username on a thread now, MN changed that some while ago. Although I guess people can have two totally separate accounts, I'm not sure? You have been unlucky on this thread!

Of course it isn't @Onionlove81 In a thread about caring for parents alone you post about something which is irrelevant. Interesting.

Not quite sure what I’ve joined here, so I’ll shoot off sheepish!

I’ve only read your posts OP but from I’m reading it sounds like your kind of bitter that your mothers siblings aren’t rallying around to help or be in contact

the thing is people grow and priorities changE, their immediate family is what is their priority now so spouses/kids/grandkids and not siblings etc and it’s just how it should be. Also if your mum isn’t keeping in contact with them why should it all be down to them? Things like ill health doesn’t mean that it’s up to the healthy person to be the sole person to keep contact open. There’s also the possibility that a disagreement has happened that you’re unaware of or they have personal issues that really are none of your concern.

your sibling is ND but that’s not down to you to step up and again you don’t have to step up for your parents either. You can request help from social services etc.

as for the funeral it’s up to you what you do but they should be informed about it and it’s up to them to decide if they want to come along or not.

when my gran took ill 25 years ago my mum as an only child stepped up, despite my gran having 5 siblings not one of them stepped up (most living local) They all had their own families to think about. My mum was like you but then had to admit that she was struggling and get help.

Why worry about something that might not happen for 10 years. At least inform the relatives when that time comes. But until then forget about it.

People often get busy as their own family extends. It doesn't make them bad people for not being able to give the same kind of time and attention that they could have in the past.

If your parents have expressed wishes for them to be there when the time comes then it would be wrong to go against that.

Has your mum died, or are you just planning her funeral.in advance??

Sibling will be a man. Men can keep having kids into old age. I knew someone whose dad was 70 when she was born.

Just to confirm that sibling is not 72 but is male and it is not his first marriage. Also, autistic people can get jobs and also live independently - including overseas but still have issues and problems long term.
i was posting as I was having a moment where I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by having all the caring responsibilities and I just wanted to connect with people who were in the same boat.

The whole thing of minding parents and ILs in your 50s is a big thing these days as people are living longer but in much poorer health @atotalshambles DH and I are just through it with MIL.

One family member abroad had these really strange ideas about how MIL’s care “should” be and preached to anyone who would listen to her about how wrong those behind doing the work were, it has caused huge friction in the family and it has affected her relationships going forward.

Don’t do that, deal with the world as it is not some magical way you would like it to be.

Caring is relentless and usually completely thankless so just try to gear yourself up for what you can reasonably do and stick with that.

Mum is hopeless with phoning and keeping in touch as well. Going to leave them all to it and manage what I can. Definitely don't expect aunt to do any caring. Was hoping for a phone call every 2 months but not sure that will happen. Going to stay out of it all though.

I thought that the Elderly Parents board was supposed to be a supportive forum where posters could find helpful advice from posters going through similar issues. You have submitted OP to an unpleasant inquisition. You are like a dog with a bone, trying to catch her out. It feels contrary to the spirit of this board. I see that you have had quite a few posts deleted which is unusual on here.

Honestly your expectations around your mother’s siblings are only going to lead you towards disappointment. They are unrealistic. Let your mother have whatever relationship she has with her own family members.

This board is usually good for that OP, maybe it is the wording of your op etc which brought out the responses. Maybe next time just write about connecting with others in the same boat etc