Extended family disappearing when parents get old

[atotalshambles]

Is anyone else experiencing this? My mum and dad are over 80 and in ill health. I live about 4 hours away from them. My mum has 2 siblings who are significantly younger. One lives overseas and has young children and we don't see them too much. The middle one we used to see a regularly when we were growing up but in the last couple of years has distanced herself. I have a feeling that it is due to the other sibling (who they were close to) moving abroad and not having much time for them. We used to see them every holiday when their children were young and I used to go and stay with them and help to look after their children. We would see them a few times a year and my mum and sibling would talk at least every 2 weeks. Sibling never phones my mum now and is pretty mean about her on the very occasional time that we see them (effort made by me). I think that sibling now want to concentrate on their children and their families and can't be bothered with their siblings. If we see them the sibling will talk about how they will help me but all they ever do is send the very occasional email. I have one sibling myself who is possibly autistic and cannot cope with life so care of my parents will be managed by me. My mum talks about her sibling all the time but I don't think sibling gives my mum a thought. My parents are very old school and I think this is the cause of the dislike. I am not sure that my mum will hear much from sibling again although. Would you invite the sibling to the funeral? I think my mum would want them there. I am not sure I would though and I would be organising. They would turn up and pretend that they had helped and really cared i think and that would make me very annoyed. Has anyone experienced this? Do I need to invite them and rise above all the nastiness? I guess I am hurt too as we all used to be close.

It doesn’t look like they have ever really been close family Op

so unreasonable to suddenly expect them to change. Relationships don’t work like that

You mother, over 80, has siblings.., one of whom has young children?!

Would you invite the sibling to the funeral? I think my mum would want them there.

FFS you don’t “invite” people

You tell them their sibling has passed away and then update them with the date of the funeral

Shocking you’d think otherwise

Telling though…

Siblings are quite a bit younger. The overseas sibling's children are from a second marriage and are teens Middle sibling has young grandchildren.

The middle sibling has a sister in her 80s
The middle sister has young children

what is the age gap between your mother and her middle sibling?!

I guess it is more - they are not contacting their sibling at all really. I am being left to do it all. To me it seems weird to have people at your funeral who haven't bothered with you for years that's all. I imagine that by the time they die it will be close family funeral - so myself and my family and my sibling and their partner.

12 years

In answer to your question

Hell yes unreasonable
And you don’t issue invitations to a funeral
I can’t get my head around how unpleasant this is

So middle sibling is at least 72 and has “young children”?

Have you ever actually asked them directly for a specific bit of help?

Planning to exclude them from the funeral through spite pretty odd, especially as your mums still alive ....

But you will tell the siblings BEFORE the funeral

and if they wish to attend

they damn well can

They’ve not been close for years if at all really
and that will be on your mother’s side too
but my word… they have a right to know and attend a funeral of their sibling

So you don't see your sibling for years when they are ill health and they are really sad that you don't contact them but it is ok to rock up for a 30 minute service when they die. That seems much more unpleasant to me

Sweet Jesus

you don’t get to judge op

they aren’t close. Like LOADS of families

it doesn’t mean to don’t tell them when the funeral is

and please explain how a woman of at least 70 can have young children”?

I am managing everything. They know they are in ill health and are not really bothered tbh. I think that they just not interested. I am not even sure they will have a funeral,

You even bloody say your mother would want them there

tell you what op, ask your mum outright. There we go

It's possible the sibling has distanced themselves since hitting late 60's and has grandchildren so more time commitments and less energy.

nah i wouldnt invite them.

So at the start of the thread…

You ask if unreasonable to not “invite” to funeral
then you say it would be “only close family”
and now not even sure sure a funeral anyway

the most you post, the more I’m wtf

I'd also ask how much support you give your possibly autistic sibling and if you see that increasing over the years.

I am probably going to spend the next 10 years looking after them on my own without no support whatsoever. I will then have to support sibling who won't be able to manage without elderly parents support I imagine I will hear from them on a very sporadic basis. I think that's fine - we all live our own lives. I find it weird that that would want to go in any case. I find it weird that anyone would want to go to the funeral of someone that they obviously aren't too bothered about.

Focusing on a funeral that you think is 10 years away is clearly displacement - what's going on right now, OP? What do you think the sibling should be doing to help now? Are there other sources of support for you?

A decade away

This OP just got a whole lot weirder

Funeral poss 10 years away?
Is the 'old school-ness' of your parents where they as the elders expect others to come to them.

I don't necessarily think that they should do anything. I am a bit sad for my mum as she always talks about her sibling and whenever I see them they are mean about her.