Extended family disappearing when parents get old

[atotalshambles]

Is anyone else experiencing this? My mum and dad are over 80 and in ill health. I live about 4 hours away from them. My mum has 2 siblings who are significantly younger. One lives overseas and has young children and we don't see them too much. The middle one we used to see a regularly when we were growing up but in the last couple of years has distanced herself. I have a feeling that it is due to the other sibling (who they were close to) moving abroad and not having much time for them. We used to see them every holiday when their children were young and I used to go and stay with them and help to look after their children. We would see them a few times a year and my mum and sibling would talk at least every 2 weeks. Sibling never phones my mum now and is pretty mean about her on the very occasional time that we see them (effort made by me). I think that sibling now want to concentrate on their children and their families and can't be bothered with their siblings. If we see them the sibling will talk about how they will help me but all they ever do is send the very occasional email. I have one sibling myself who is possibly autistic and cannot cope with life so care of my parents will be managed by me. My mum talks about her sibling all the time but I don't think sibling gives my mum a thought. My parents are very old school and I think this is the cause of the dislike. I am not sure that my mum will hear much from sibling again although. Would you invite the sibling to the funeral? I think my mum would want them there. I am not sure I would though and I would be organising. They would turn up and pretend that they had helped and really cared i think and that would make me very annoyed. Has anyone experienced this? Do I need to invite them and rise above all the nastiness? I guess I am hurt too as we all used to be close.

I am not spitefully stewing I think it would it would be a weird scenario to go to the funeral of someone who haven't been bothered about when they were alive. It strikes me as really strange that's all when they used to be close (for the age gap) and very supportive of each other. My mum used to help with her sister's children when they were young etc.. it just seems strange and not something I would do.

Have you discussed your parents inheritances with them OP

"...it would be weird for a sibling who wasn't really that bothered about you and who hadn't contacted you when you were alive would be bothered to attend your funeral any way." Sounds pretty standard to me. Most of my family only meets up for weddings and funerals. We've not had a wedding for a long time.

I am the executor and sorting out power of attorney etc. Will make sure my sibling get more of the inheritance than me when they die so they have enough money in retirement.

So one sibling

the sibling who has lived in Poland for last 20 years with a partner but supposedly is going to need your help?

and does your mother leave anything to her siblings?

Has your mother invested any energy in to contacting her siblings?

Im going to paly devil's advocate here because I can sort of see where OP is coming from, having been in a similar position myself.

My sibling was the golden princess when we were children and young women. Especially after she "gave" my parents two grandchildren. Whereas I made myself even more of the black sheep by deciding at a fairly early age to be child free and to concentrate of a professional career. And I also chose to become a mature student at uni in another city and therefore to distance myself from the family. There was no reason to return after I had done all my degrees as I was immediately offered employment in the uni city which I now regard as my home. I had no intention of being the single childfree daughter and getting lubered with all the elderly care for parents who had always preferred my sister.

I fully understand OPs remark about distant relatives who make no effort to help with the practicalities. Instead they leave everything to one (usually female) child. And yes, they do rock up for the funeral, that being their contribution to the elderly parents.

They actually have moved to another EU country now. Not sure what this has any relevance?

Because you make out your brother is going to be reliant or at very least extensively need you

He won’t. Clearly

He does. He has a wife who works full time. He works but struggles with social interactions in his job and people thinking that he is 'weird'. He lives overseas but still struggles and is very emotionally reliant on my parents.

That is it 100%

So despite living thousands of miles away and has done for decades; and having a partner and living independently….
you foresee you been extensifely
involved because he cannot cope with life

He seems to be doing ok

Why won’t you answer whether your mother has made any effort to get in to contact and maintain it?

He has a very lovely and kind partner who looks after him and they both work. He struggles to stay in work because of the issues that he has. He is in his late 50s now and is wife is older and in ill health. When she dies he will return to the UK and I need to make provision for him as he will struggle.

She has various health issues that make it hard. But yes - she is part of the problem and doesn't make much of an effort. I think her attitude is that people should make an effort as she is unwell

so yes @Friendlygingercat you are completely right. I am going to spend the next few years looking after my parents (if they live that long) and siblings will rock up at funeral and say a few kind words and then go probably never to be heard of again. I will do it of course but am just annoyed that siblings wouldn't phone occasionally.

TBH, OP they might choose not to come to the funeral, particularly if they're a distance away.

My husband and his ex separated (and then divorced) after his ex took up with someone else. Their children were adults and had left the family home.

The ex kept the family home, so when the kids returned for visits they stayed with the ex and her partner[s]. (The first boyfriend died.)

Before anyone asks, yes - they could have stayed with us. However, when we organised this, they didn't show: "Mum thought we were staying with her and we couldn't hurt her feelings."

They did visit while they were staying with their mother, but when DH was ill he had one half hour visit from one of them one of the times he was in hospital, though they did attend the 70th birthday party we organised for him.

My husband told me that he didn't think the kids would come to his funeral. I reassured him that they would come. My husband was right. (To be fair, it was during lockdown, but at least one of them could have attended.)

It's my experience that if people don't make the effort while someone is alive, they certainly won't make the effort when they die.

I also have elderly parents who were divorced and alone and requiring a lot of support can't say their siblings did much but I wouldn't really expect them to. And yes they came to the funeral.

Sounds like you are focusing on this rather than what you can control which is how involved you do get. Maybe you could focus on that and about support services available.

For example if your brother is so disabled he might need a social worker referral to help him cope.

Thats's interesting @WearyAuldWumman maybe they won't. Who knows? It seems so strange to me.

It's also a bit strange to be so focused on the relationship between your parents and their siblings

@Orangesandlemons77 I am hurt as I used to be very close to my aunt and she is not interested. It makes me really sad.

I come from a culture where funeral are very well attended. I go to funerals for people I have never met - because I know their family. My parents are now in their seventies and seem to go to a funeral every other week. Funerals here are big - work colleagues, neighbors, the adult children’s friends and colleagues. We often go to show respect rather than because of a close relationship with the deceased.

maybe that’s the issue here. You view attending a funeral as a deeply personal thing that only those who have a deep connection with the deceased go to - while most people would be shocked if siblings didn’t attend - even if they shad drifted apart over the years

@Bellyblueboy I thihnk you're right. I would only go to the funeral of someone that I had a deep personal connection to. I think I am probably upset because my aunt is someone that I was really close to. But you are right - she has every right to do what she wants and I just need to accept that this is the way things are and i will get on with it.

What effort have you made to keep the relationship close?

Ah so there’s more to this

the lack of effort is on both sides