Extended family disappearing when parents get old

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Is anyone else experiencing this? My mum and dad are over 80 and in ill health. I live about 4 hours away from them. My mum has 2 siblings who are significantly younger. One lives overseas and has young children and we don't see them too much. The middle one we used to see a regularly when we were growing up but in the last couple of years has distanced herself. I have a feeling that it is due to the other sibling (who they were close to) moving abroad and not having much time for them. We used to see them every holiday when their children were young and I used to go and stay with them and help to look after their children. We would see them a few times a year and my mum and sibling would talk at least every 2 weeks. Sibling never phones my mum now and is pretty mean about her on the very occasional time that we see them (effort made by me). I think that sibling now want to concentrate on their children and their families and can't be bothered with their siblings. If we see them the sibling will talk about how they will help me but all they ever do is send the very occasional email. I have one sibling myself who is possibly autistic and cannot cope with life so care of my parents will be managed by me. My mum talks about her sibling all the time but I don't think sibling gives my mum a thought. My parents are very old school and I think this is the cause of the dislike. I am not sure that my mum will hear much from sibling again although. Would you invite the sibling to the funeral? I think my mum would want them there. I am not sure I would though and I would be organising. They would turn up and pretend that they had helped and really cared i think and that would make me very annoyed. Has anyone experienced this? Do I need to invite them and rise above all the nastiness? I guess I am hurt too as we all used to be close.

Pretty please tell us how her sibling aged at least 70 has “young children”????

Male sibling - second marriage - children who need still need support but not very young. Does that explain?

So sibling in 70s herself
Has “young children” or at least dependent
Lives abroad
Was never close to your mother

and here you are…

I would do whatever my mum wants. I am just annoyed at having to manage eveything on my own without ant support I have no idea if she wants a funeral.

Hi OP, I can understand in a way the worry of what is to come - both my siblings have gone low contact over the years and I will be dealing the one dealing with my elderly mother as there is no one else.

However, like me you will just have to decide what you are willing/able to do, and put in place firm boundaries.

I’m not willing to care for my mother the way I did for my late father (personal care), as she is a difficult personality, very critical and it would be so much harder emotionally.

So she will have to pay for carers when the time comes. I will help with some practical things - appointments, banking etc.

You need to stop focusing on what others can’t or won’t do, and figure out the limits of what you are able for and stick to that.

Well there we go

in your op your say you might not do that

so relief to know you won’t ignore your mother’s wishes for her sibling to be told about the funeral

I will do whatever my mum wants me to do. I have no idea if she wants sibling to come along. Both my parents are in poor health and will need a lot of help.

My mum has not stated that she wants her sister to be at her funeral. If she did, of course, I would invite her. I am just sad for her that she is now old and in ill health and her sister cna't even be bothered to phone her every 6 months.

So you are expecting her siblings to provide support? Children usually provide this as siblings are usually of the same age. Why is your sibling getting a free pass?

It's not her siblings responsibility to look after them, it's not your either if you don't want to. It sounds like they've never really got on so why would they keep in touch/leap in to help now?

I know it's stressful but blaming other people for your overwhelm is not going to help. If you don't feel you can do this on your own you don't have to, you can chose to do as much or as little as you want.

I think my mum would want them there. I am not sure I would though and I would be organising.

Has your mother made any attempt to contact or visit them over the years?

Is there anything stopping your mother from picking up the phone?

My sibling is probably autistic and is still reliant on my parents emotionally. They will struggle when my parents die. So it is not a free pass - they cannot emotionally cope with their own lives, let alone providing support to my parents. My mum used to be close to her sibling I guess that this is the issue and in recent years sibling has distanced themselves probably due to an issue with the other sibling. I just feel sorry for my mum.

Have your parents planned for his care post their death?

They never pursued a diagnosis for him?

It doesn't sound like you can emotionally cope either. You might also want to consider that if your sibling has autism there's a high chance that you do too and you don't want to burn yourself out.
Your family may also all have autism which would account for the poor communication and fall outs.

How many siblings do you have Op?

This, plus it also runs in families so other siblings (or your parents) may also be ND. You mention your parents are old school, and this maybe be the cause of the dislike - what does this mean - a bit difficult/judgemental?

The bottom line is they haven’t been close for some time, so they are not going to come riding in now like white knights to support you.

If you’re not up to it, or you don’t want to, the state will have to provide care for your parents and siblings if and when required.

It’s totally normal for you to concentrate on your descendants rather than siblings, it doesn’t reflect whether you “love” them or not, it just your priority is to your family as in your dc, children etc. whilst siblings may check in with their niece/nephew to see how their brother or sister is if there’s health issues they will not generally be part of care situations.

They looked for a diagnosis when he was young and were told that he had nuerodiversity but the ed psych was not sure what it was. He has a partner and a job but struggles with social interactions. He just needs extra support which my parents provide but I won't be able to do when die. I can emotionally cope but I have had a serious illness and I need to keep my stress levels low. I am a bit annoyed that I have to manage a complicated situation on my own.

What extra support does a middle aged man who lives independently and has a partner need from his aged parents in their 80’s?

They are not ND but old fashioned in their views I guess. I am just a bit sad for my mum really as she did have a lovely relationship with her sibling. You are right though - of course you prioritise your own family. It is what it is. I was thinking if she continues in ill health that (to me) it would be weird for a sibling who wasn't really that bothered about you and who hadn't contacted you when you were alive would be bothered to attend your funeral any way.

OP is appears you are angry becuase you want you aunts and uncles to step up and share the burden of care with you.

I am very close with my sister, but my mum and her sister have a very distant relationship. I am now resentful on my mums behalf that she is expected to step up and care for her much older sister when my aunt took no instead in any of us, and has been quite hurtful towards my mother.

Families are complicated - there is no duty on you (also elderly) uncle to help you care for your parents. As people age they do seem to lose touch with some more distant family members - my parents now rarely talk to once very close family and friends in American and New Zealand.

Fretting over who will come to a fineral at some undefined time in the future is silly. It’s just a funeral - you aren’t giving them half the value of your parents house!

Has your mother made any attempt to contact her siblings over the years?

Do you have one sibling?