Extended family disappearing when parents get old

[atotalshambles]

Is anyone else experiencing this? My mum and dad are over 80 and in ill health. I live about 4 hours away from them. My mum has 2 siblings who are significantly younger. One lives overseas and has young children and we don't see them too much. The middle one we used to see a regularly when we were growing up but in the last couple of years has distanced herself. I have a feeling that it is due to the other sibling (who they were close to) moving abroad and not having much time for them. We used to see them every holiday when their children were young and I used to go and stay with them and help to look after their children. We would see them a few times a year and my mum and sibling would talk at least every 2 weeks. Sibling never phones my mum now and is pretty mean about her on the very occasional time that we see them (effort made by me). I think that sibling now want to concentrate on their children and their families and can't be bothered with their siblings. If we see them the sibling will talk about how they will help me but all they ever do is send the very occasional email. I have one sibling myself who is possibly autistic and cannot cope with life so care of my parents will be managed by me. My mum talks about her sibling all the time but I don't think sibling gives my mum a thought. My parents are very old school and I think this is the cause of the dislike. I am not sure that my mum will hear much from sibling again although. Would you invite the sibling to the funeral? I think my mum would want them there. I am not sure I would though and I would be organising. They would turn up and pretend that they had helped and really cared i think and that would make me very annoyed. Has anyone experienced this? Do I need to invite them and rise above all the nastiness? I guess I am hurt too as we all used to be close.

Why not give your parent's siblings an update on your parent's health and say if they want to come and see them now is the time..

If they turn up and it makes your parents happy, surely that's no bad thing?

If they are not interested. No need to say anything to your parents.

Of course you let the siblings know if someone dies.

It normally falls to someone’s children to arrange care. Siblings normally have their own stuff going on supporting their own immediate family. My mum did not provide care for my uncle, his own family did that. She kept in touch on the phone though and if she had been asked to do sth specific she would have done. Some families aren’t close though.

All relatives close or not get an invitation to the funeral. End of.

Most daughters in their 50s have caring responsibilities for a parent, and many sons do too. It’s part and parcel of family life. Your aunts and uncles don’t phone your mum but she doesn’t phone them either. Even if they did the work of caring for your mum would still fall to you.

I know. I am just a bit sad that the relationship has changed so much. I didn't ever expect them to do any caring.

People change, the sibling is clearly different now. Let her go, don’t use any more energy on her.

You’re allowed to feel angry at shouldering the care burden alone, and the following add-on of your brother.

Make sure your DP have carers, cleaner etc and get some rest.

I meant to add it’s very normal for people to not visit the dying- too sad, too uncomfortable, would love to but have to babysit the neighbour’s budgie etc but then springing up after weeping and wailing. Don’t give it headspace. Some people are shit and that’s all there is to it.

Thanks,. It is fine and I will do. I was venting in the original OP (I always present a postive face on it in real life). I would never not invite them to the funeral but I am just sad about it all really. I completely understand that people don't want to spend much time with elderly relatives with health problems. Thanks for your kind response.

It’s grim @atotalshambles . As well as your own emotions you have to try to process those of anyone with any connection. All you can do is what you want to, what makes you feel you’ve done the right thing, and try to force everything else out of your head. It’s hard, it takes practice and perseverance, and it’s unfair, but it’s the only way to protect yourself a little bit. Look after yourself, and ask for professional help before you’re overwhelmed.

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They're not 'rocking up', its not a party, it's a sombre event to say a final 'farewell' to their sibling. Also you have no idea what has caused the distance between them, you really don't.

Does your mum phone your sibling? How old are the siblings? What’s the age gap? The aunt likely has her own health issues and worries you don’t know about. The negative talk will likely be an issue to do with your aunts turmoil and not your mum who is just an easy target. Could you ask your aunt to do a specific task next week? Or maybe your mum could ask her to help by doing a specific task at a certain time? You could always sit your aunt down and explain to her just how much mum misses her and wants to spend quality time with her. Of course she doesn’t have to care for your mum, she doesn’t owe either of you her time but I understand it would be nice to share the load.

Also the funeral is for loved ones to pay their respects and it would be poor form and nasty to prevent aunt attending

By far the weirdest thing on this thread is your obsessive criticising of OP, picking apart her every post and repeatedly calling her “spiteful”. How many posts have you made? It’s a bizarre response to a stranger trying to talk through her concerns.

It strongly suggests that you have personal problems yourself, which you are attempting to project onto OP. Perhaps shift your focus closer to home.

I’d say contact now and let them know they’re not in great health, when dad was dying a family rift got healed and everyone came together. Other than that people go to funerals to get to grips with all the things they never did in that person’s life. It’s not about the family, it’s the person. People have to bite their lip a lot

@2015pls I am not sure whether she will even have a funeral. If she dies in 10 years and all her friends are dead then she might not. I do find it weird how you must have gone through all my posts from years ago replying to people who needed help about having a sibling who lived abroad. Which isn't even relevant to what I was asking.
Also, posts about exactly when my parents are going to die - exactly how long do they have OP - that is really weird. It was a flippant comment and I would always follow what my mum wanted. I was talking to my husband about what a strange situation it was and how weird it would be to contact my aunt in a few years if she hadn't bothered to really stay in contact. There is no 'Eastenders' type drama. I think aunt can't be bothered and wants to focus on her immediate family. This is up to her and completely fine but a bit sad for me and my mum. I will just move on and my mum can do as she wishes.

I've done it with zero support once and very little support at other times. I understand what you mean about wishing they would just phone her occasionally. It helps if there is someone just to take a small amount of interest in your parent. I ended up begging my sister just to phone my mum 🤷🏻‍♀️

@TryingAgainAgainAgain Exactly! I think she would be happy with a 5 minute phone call every couple of months. But as some posters have suggested she doesn't phone my aunt either which doesn't help. Thanks for your reply.

Why doesn’t she pick up the phone to her sister OP?

I'm sorry to have summoned 2015 back to your thread, OP. I didn't spot her post that she was leaving the thread until after I had posted. As you say, totally odd and inappropriate behaviour to have stalked you across MN to try to find more information about your family.

And now @2015pls has dug up a post of mine from May 2024 on a zombie thread to reply to. It’s a form of harassment. I'm reporting this to MN to address. It's bizarre and unacceptable behaviour.

It’s really shocking and depressing, and I’m so sorry

will leave you be, you get kicks on mumsnet however you wish and if that’s commenting
on my posts then you go for it 💐

The projection and disingenuousness is off the scale, 2015!

@TryingAgainAgainAgain I did think it was weird as I don't really start threads. They must have gone back years to see my posts to random stuff. Really creepy.

Just wanted to hear frrom other people to see if it was normal - sounds like it is. It is a bit sad but I will move on and not worry about it.

It's so common for relatives family and friends to disappear out of their lives when illness or old age really hit. The first time I looked after my mum a good friend of hers used to tell me what an "absolutely wonderful job" I was doing of caring for her, but didn't so much as drop in a get well card or ring mum occasionally.

For funerals, you can obviously talk to your parents about what they want, but if you've been sole carer for some time, it will also be a matter of what you can manage. Many people are having a direct cremation these days, which avoids the issue, and leaves you to hold a gathering if and when you can manage that.

The Elderly Parents board is usually a supportive place. I think you just got unlucky with this thread, so don't be put off. Eg you might like to look at the ongoing thread: http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026