Elderly mother so stressed about minor things

[Littlepixie75]

Hi everyone! I have a question about what seems to me unusual behaviour…. My 76 year old mother has become a bit more forgetful lately and we are definitely noticing some cognitive decline. But one major thing we’re noticing now is how stressed and worried she gets about really minor things.

Like even just having two things to do in one day (coffee with friend then needing to go to Asda) sends her into a tailspin of stress. Also she gets in weird tizzes about odd things like eg a car alarm going off near her house. Getting really worked up about these things. She couldn’t lift an item into the car that she needed to drop to the charity shop (was totally non urgent). So rang me numerous times in an afternoon while I was working and left messages asking me if I could do it, like it was really urgent! Then when I did it (the next day) said she had been “worried sick” about whether I’d be able to “manage” it. Wasn’t even heavy just a bit awkward, but obviously I understood why she wanted me to do it and was happy to help. No biggie! It’s just so odd and really frustrating to deal with. Anyone else noticed this type of behaviour as a sign of general cognitive decline and/or dementia?

How familar all of this is. My late Mum was in a retirement complex but realistically she just left it too late to move. This meant that the change from her old house to the complex was HUGE even though I was on hand to help. Previously I had lived over 2 hours away.

The other thing to bear in mind and I am going to be harsh here is that its not your role to keep jumping to their tune. You fix something and then there is a nod and then another silly issue comes up.

I used to drop in 6 days a week and had to drop down to 3 days a week because a 30 min visit turned into hours of fixing things i.e a light bulb went and she thought all of her electric would turn off. I dont like standing on chairs and yet she guilt tripped me into doing by crying. There was an option to wait for the handyman to visit but she didnt want to just in case....

We really do need to look after ourselves and think if we did everything they wanted and let them make daft decisions would they be any happier? They also block out just how time consuming they are whilst saying they dont want to be a burden.

My mum exactly the same, is 87, when she knows she has a normal BP check up or something as simple she will not sleep for the week before and afterwards go on about how dreadfully stressed she had been. She was always babied as the youngest child and then by my dad, so she has never had to take responsibility for anything. We wonder if that is one of the reasons. I do everything for her. But recently she has started stating that any event, i.e someone dropping something in a shop, happened the week before, by the same person. A sort of extreme deja vu. Does you mum have that?

No nothing specifically like that @spandiswoman but the general fretting over every last thing is getting worse. It’s hard to stay patient, isn’t it?

The latest thing is the cold weather. Because we had unexpected overnight frost here a few days ago, fretting about a recurrence of that is now really preoccupying her. It’s really hard to listen to when she goes on about it, so I have a strategy. I just acknowledge kindly once (with as much sympathy as I can manage!) then distract her with something else, like you would with a toddler. Mostly works….

Oh my mother frets about the wind, if its a tiny breeze she goes into a panic, in fact its one of the reasons why she wont go out of her flat on her own, in case she is blown over!

I have found some comfort in reading what everyone has said.
Thank you. I needed this!

Well that's quite sensible think.
I have seen people on 2 occasions this week who have fallen lying in the street in the freezing conditions. They couldn't be moved and were lying on ice in great pain. Both had medical personnel with them but the wait was for the ambulance...
The first one was a woman half my age and it made me really cautious and limiting my activities.
The other one I saw from a bus yesterday. Person was lying across the edge of the kerb beside a busy road in the dark.
2 paramedics but again couldn't be moved until an ambulance arrived.
It was quite sobering.
Staying in and being wary of ice and wind is sensible.

I have experienced of similar things;

Cannot go out & do more than one thing, in one day

Getting anxious at regular appointments

Not wanting to change appointments, to help the person taking them to the appointment

Anxious about various other small things

Example
They normally collect an item on a certain day, at a certain time.
This week, I was allocated this task, but I was reminded that the shop would sell out early.
I went at a time, that was convenient to myself & the item was available as I expected.

I’m going through the same with both my elderly parents who divorced many years ago so there’s stress coming from two separate houses 🙈. Just this week DF worrying about something minor that happened 20 years ago and unable to sleep. DM phoning about anything from minor information like letting me know the online shopping has been (why should I care?) to actual important things like needing medical attention.

I feel it’s making me the same as them!! I’m stressed and becoming burnt out to the point I can’t remember things and I am now getting stressed by tiny things.

When will it end? I feel like I’ll be a shadow of myself by the time they die. My health and peace of mind will be ruined beyond repair! I’ve no advice OP but a lot of sympathy for you and PP.

I agree, you feel bad for feeling bad, but my mother had a wonderful life, never had to think about looking after her parents as her older sisters took care of everything. We never got on and now I feel she has got a hold of the best years I have left with her needs.

Spandi you can only do so much. Ours would have us 7 days on road if we allowed it.. its hard keeping your own things going too house job kids etc.

I recognised myself in a few of those posts- oh dear!

Yes me too!