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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly mother so stressed about minor things

63 replies

Littlepixie75 · 15/08/2025 17:18

Hi everyone! I have a question about what seems to me unusual behaviour…. My 76 year old mother has become a bit more forgetful lately and we are definitely noticing some cognitive decline. But one major thing we’re noticing now is how stressed and worried she gets about really minor things.

Like even just having two things to do in one day (coffee with friend then needing to go to Asda) sends her into a tailspin of stress. Also she gets in weird tizzes about odd things like eg a car alarm going off near her house. Getting really worked up about these things. She couldn’t lift an item into the car that she needed to drop to the charity shop (was totally non urgent). So rang me numerous times in an afternoon while I was working and left messages asking me if I could do it, like it was really urgent! Then when I did it (the next day) said she had been “worried sick” about whether I’d be able to “manage” it. Wasn’t even heavy just a bit awkward, but obviously I understood why she wanted me to do it and was happy to help. No biggie! It’s just so odd and really frustrating to deal with. Anyone else noticed this type of behaviour as a sign of general cognitive decline and/or dementia?

OP posts:
girlfromthesouthcountry · 15/08/2025 17:24

My DM is very much the same, and I'm pretty certain that she has dementia (though only diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment, a couple of years ago). She's always had a bit of an anxious tendency, but this has got dramatically worse in the last couple of years. She's now almost totally withdrawn socially, because she just finds almost any activity too stressful. What you describe - catastrophising and obsessing over trivia - is very familiar.

leli · 15/08/2025 17:27

I’m 68 and I’m afraid I’m going the same way as your mum. The world feels big and scary to me. You sound very considerate and kind. Good luck.

chowmeinz · 15/08/2025 17:29

It was the very early sign of dementia for my nanna sadly. Her loss of confidence happened several years before we even suspected dementia, but looking back it was definitely there.

March2027 · 15/08/2025 17:30

V normal I’m afraid

alexdgr8 · 15/08/2025 17:30

That is to be expected with the cognitive decline you have already noticed.
It's no good getting annoyed.
Not trying to reason her out of it.
Just try to soothe sympathise distract.
I think you and or the wider family need to think about the future.
It is a progressive condition.
She is already showing signs that she needs much more support.
This is not just practical or problem solving but the reassurance of another person's presence.
All the best.

LittleRedYoshi · 15/08/2025 17:30

We've had this for a few years with a grandparent. No signs of cognitive decline - we've just put it down to her world getting smaller and so not being able to keep things in perspective the way she used to. E.g. if your only goal for the day is taking something to the charity shop, finding yourself unable to do it becomes a much bigger deal than if it's just one task amongst many (and a minor one at that).

JohnTheRevelator · 15/08/2025 17:34

My late DM started getting like this in the 5 years leading up to her death. One of her favourite phrases was 'I've been worried sick'. Some of the things she stressed about were really odd though. For example,she developed an obsession with the comings and goings of her next door neighbours.

Confused92739572 · 15/08/2025 17:45

My mum is the same age and is like this. I've found it quite shocking as she wasn't like this before, shes always been the strong caring one and my biggest protector and supporter
Now she is anxious, tearful, worries, constantly texts me, has no sleep worrying about us ( over small things) and is also worried sick. She is now terrified as a passenger in the car (nothing has happened)
I find it upsetting to see and my dad is struggling with it

Original poster
Littlepixie75 · 15/08/2025 17:48

Aw thanks everyone for these replies. Seems like it’s quite common. That does make me feel a bit better even though it course it’s sad to hear other people are dealing with this too.

It’s sometimes hard to cope with when you are a really quite busy and stressed out yourself with things that actually are quite urgent! But obviously I never say this….

Like other posters say, my mum has never exactly been chilled but this is next level. I know I need to stay calm and reassure her etc but it just feels fake to do that. It’s like I’m not being my real self with her if that make sense? Like the real/old me would just say “oh don’t be so daft etc!” but I know that now I have to be a different person. I guess that’s a transition I have to make.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 15/08/2025 17:49

Being unusually anxious and flustered can be an early sign of dementia, I would encourage you to get mum to the GP for a check up and cognitive tests.

girlfromthesouthcountry · 15/08/2025 17:54

I think another part of the issue is that, when memory declines, it's hard to put an issue to bed. If DM is anxious about something I can soothe and reassure her, but then she'll forget that conversation a few minutes later, so the worry starts up again, on an endless loop.

Ted27 · 15/08/2025 18:00

@Littlepixie75

My mum is 82, has been in poor physical health for some time now but Ive really noticed a big change mentally over the summer.
I visit once a week as I live 3 hours away. She has other family members closer who help.
But her anxiety is off the scale, you solve one problem and it creates another for her. She is in a constant state of anxiety about food.
I can't believe the drama we had yesterday about mini rolls. Turns out she wanted Country slices.
Sadly I think that's just how it is.

Ive (half jokingly) instructed my son to take me on a last holiday to Shanklin and then push me off a cliff, if I start showing these signs. I know he won't but I wish he would. I watched my nan die from Alzheimers, I dont want that for her or me.
Not a club any of us want to be in

Yellowpingu · 15/08/2025 18:05

I was experiencing the same with my DM. My best friend is a very experienced geriatric nurse and told me it’s incredibly common for little things to become big things in the mind of oldies. It’s tricky. Is there someone who can remind you not to escalate it further? My DH has become an expert, he’s just got to give me a certain look and I back off!

Original poster
Littlepixie75 · 15/08/2025 18:12

Yellow pingu - that is great advice thank you. You’re absolutely right about not escalating. If DH is there he will help and talk about something else, but I also see my mum a fair bit on my own and whilst I go in with all best intentions it can be challenging! Also she can be really argumentative and convinced that her weird ideas are totally rational and I am in fact a bit silly…..!

I am much better nowadays at letting things go, but I do find it hard to always bite my lip and never say what I really think with her any more. But practice makes perfect I guess….! The more you do it the more it becomes habit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlepixie75 · 15/08/2025 18:15

Ted27 I laughed about your mini roll incident as can totally imagine that. Of course I’m sure it was not funny for you at the time - really frustrating.

OP posts:
Ted27 · 15/08/2025 18:21

@Littlepixie75
And Ive just realised something.
My nan had a hard life and became quite bitter. Even before dementia set in nothing was ever right, you would visit and she would moan for ages, and always conclude with ' that's just how it is'
My mum says that now, and I've just written it.
I do spend a lot of time just smiling and nodding

ginasevern · 15/08/2025 18:21

You sound like a wonderful daughter OP.

SociableAtWork · 15/08/2025 18:22

This thread has been really enlightening and helpful, so I wanted to just thank the OP for posting and for everyone else who has shared experiences and advice.

I’m sorry you are all also going through/have been through similar. There are so many little things with my DPs that I just wasn’t expecting and have been unsure how to deal with.

I think it was @Littlepixie75who said you have to ‘be’ someone else and not yourself, this is so true and not something I’d really registered. I’m going to approach situations like this going forwards because I can see it will work with my DPs.

Thanks again everyone 😊

Octavia64 · 15/08/2025 18:23

Yes my mum is the same.

she has to do a wash every morning. Gets very agitated if it’s not possible (eg staying with me and I have linens in).

Original poster
Littlepixie75 · 15/08/2025 18:28

@SociableAtWork

Ah totally agree! I feel so much better having people on here to chat with who are in the same boat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlepixie75 · 15/08/2025 18:30

And of course many people on here are in a far worse boat :-(

OP posts:
VeryQuaintIrene · 15/08/2025 18:34

I read your post and though my mum died 5 years ago, it instantly gave me the the stress and tightness in the chest that I experienced so often with dealing with her in her later years. It got better when she went into a care home and they fielded it with incredible patience (mostly.) Good luck!

OSTMusTisNT · 15/08/2025 18:51

Looking back now these were the types of things that led to us getting getting MIL tested and ultimately diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. The earlier signs of forgetting things or forgetting a word would be put down to aging but things escalated to her getting in a tizz over nothing.

Weird things like having a crying all morning meltdown when the bank gave her a £20 note instead of 2x£10 as she 'can't cope with those'. Phoning us up constantly as she had a general chit chat letter to send to brother rather than waiting a couple of days for our usual visiting day.

Constantly coming up with totally daft things that she was frantically worrying about and everytime we fixed it, she had the next one lined up. It ended up with us going through elation when we fixed the issue then deflated 5 minutes later as she started banging on about some other obscure random 'problem'.

Another was inability to plan more than one task, e.g she refused point blank to stay in the house for the Housing Association emergency plumber coming at 9am to sort her toilet (as she had flushed god knows what down it and blocked the pipe) as that was the exact time she HAD to go along the road to buy milk. She couldn't cope with planning for the plumber coming then toddling off to the shop an hour later than her usual routine.

If you have any suspicions at all I would make an appointment with her GP, we spoke to the GP first to explain everything and GP then seen MIL in person and got the ball rolling with the hospital tests.

Mimilamore · 15/08/2025 19:06

Oh dear… the anxiety over “ sell by” or “ best before” dates…. 5 mins over allotted window and everybody will die eating the offending foodstuff, even cans. Yes I’ve tried the WW 2 rations talk and the “ sniff it and see” school of thought ( me) all to no avail.
plus the window open a tiny crack because local wandering cat might get in… I’ve suggested Dreamies to get her out but no this has grown out of all proportion and it is now like getting a tiger out of your flat, it has only come in twice, done a u turn and gone again!!!!

Ted27 · 15/08/2025 19:12

@Mimilamore
Omg the use by dates.

Every week, mid week, my mum calls me in a panic about food because my brother can't do a food shop till the weekend. So I turn up with 3 days of shove in the oven food, and then she panics about use by dates.

My step dad is also very unwell but cognitively all there and is bearing the brunt of it.