Another elderly mother one

[Stuckinasitiation]

Please help me decide what to do:

I have an elderly mother aged 88. She lives alone and so far has managed reasonably OK with some support from me. I live in the same town as her, having moved back 8 years ago . Previously I lived hundred of miles away and rarely saw her. I have never had a good relationship with her, but when I moved back I tried to untangle a lot of administrative stuff that was in a real mess. I have helped her with all sorts of issues. However our relationship has got worse and worse. Recently she was really spiteful and nasty to my OH who wants nothing more to do with her. I have tried to see her as little as possible but just do essential tasks because I don’t enjoy spending time with her.

She had a very full life with religious friends and activities . Her religion is her reason for living and she’s always put it before everything else. I don’t know her friends and find her conversation depressing and alienating because I don’t share her views.

I have two siblings who don’t do much. One lives 20 miles away but he only visits when he wants something or it suits his agenda. He loves her but she has now alienated him too by accusing him of stealing. So he no longer visits and she doesn’t have a good word to say about him. My sister lives at the other end of the country and visits once or twice a year for a holiday. Most of the time she is here she is out and about and finds more than three days with my mother intolerable.

My mother’s health has started to really fail. She’s had several falls and has recently decided to give up driving because she really isn’t safe. Losing her car has been a real blow and she’s sunk into a depressive state. She is now dependent on her friends for lifts or has to use public transport, both of which she hates. She seems increasingly confused and miserable , and has had several falls lately.

To get to the point, I have wanted for some time to live closer to my grandchildren and two of my children. Travelling to see them takes hours and is expensive as we can’t stay with them. I haven’t settled back here and now find myself very isolated with no friends. I feel very lonely and unhappy here. The issue is that every time I mention this to my mother she becomes agitated and upset. Even though I barely see her, she wants me here in case something happens to her. I know my brother won’t step up .

My sister has decided she wants to move my mother in with her. She gets on much better with my mother but very rarely sees her and hasn’t been at the sharp end of my mother’s increasingly erratic and nasty behaviour. She has a very full life but seems to imagine my mother will sit quietly in the garden or stay on her room. I am worried too quite frankly that she will use my mother’s money to feather her own nest. Perhaps that is unkind, but my mother already does a lot for her financially.

Having visited yesterday, I am shocked at how frail my mother seems, how lonely and scared she is. Again, she became distressed when she asked if I am still planning on leaving. I spoke to a friend in a similar situation, she was horrified that I would consider leaving my mother and asked me what the doctor would think! I don’t know even know the doctor!

I am immobilised by indecision and guilt. Should I stay until she dies? Accept my mother moving in with my sister? The latter will involve a lot of legal work and hassle, changing her will, selling her property and much more. I dread it as I know it will all fall to me.

Should I stay or should I go?

OP i'm afraid I have a similar impression to @Redburnett

Look at the list of issues - your mother isn't eating properly, she can't deal with admin, she has stopped driving, her memory is failing and she is having falls.

There are probably other things she cannot do which she is successfully concealing from you. I found it reaches a tipping point where you suddenly realise just how bad things are.

For example my mother was not eating properly because she could not remember the sequencing of how to (e.g.) make a sandwich, or heat up a ready meal. She needed a carer to prepare food, and then prompt her to eat it rather than getting distracted and wandering off.

She would never admit any of this, because she simply did not notice or understand the things she could not do, that is the nature of dementia.

Your mother can only carry on living at home with considerable support from you - she is definitely not living independently.

Let your sister take over, let me tell you, the last 18 mth i have cared for my mid to severe alzheimers father whilst working full time from home, i cannot begin to explain to you how hard it has been, i was in good health but now physically and mentally shot,awake every morning (thats the night i,m allowed sleep) with a sense of dread, my knees are clicking and burning with i flammation as i get no rest and i,ve constant migraines which has led to sight loss in one eye. Just got im into respite so i can breathe and sleep,i cannot explain how hard it is, dont go thru what i did.. let sis take over

I'd definitely go.

Oh you poor thing. I am not at all naive as to the reality of taking on caring for someone at the end of their life, especially with dementia. I would never have my mother live with me. I don't think my sister has a clue what she is signing up for.

Move. The wants of someone sat the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.

My mum developed dementia and we had to admit her to long term care. I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers, my eldest sister insisted that one of us girls had to visit every day, even though we all worked full time, I can tell you now it was torture! I was tired after work, and hungry, facing a visit for an hour and then a 45 min journey home. In the latter stages she didn't know us and visits were hopeless but still we kept them up to please my oldest DSis. After all this, when the end came we weren't with her, she had a fall and banged her head and passed peacefully. What I'm trying to say is don't make it all about your mum, think of your own life and try to find a balance. If your sister is willing to give it a go then let her, and don't feel guilty if you can't visit as much

I would have a serious conversation with your sister so she understands everything and perhaps look at your mother staying with her for a couple of weeks respite at different times so your sister knows what she's letting herself in for. What would happen if your sister found she couldn't cope anymore? I think this needs to be an evolving process to see what's right for you all. The other thing to consider is what would happen with your mother's assets if she did eventually move in with your sister. You mention selling her house. Deprivation of assets is a thing in law and could be an issue if your mum eventually needs care as social care can go back through financial records to find money for your mum's care as she has property. And ask for money back to pay for care. Do you or your sister have power of attorney for finance or health? You need to go into all these details so you know the possible consequences of decisions you make.

The flat is in trust so that wouldn’t be an issue. It would be sold and funds kept by the solicitor until her death. We have joint POA over her finances so my sister couldn’t deplete her funds excessively.
If my sister couldn’t cope she would have to sort out alternative accommodation or care. It would be her problem as far as I’m concerned. I’ve warned her to think carefully but she isn’t listening.

In a way, it's great that she's not listening! Pack your bag and go go GO! Not your problem any more, hurraaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!

Trust me. It is NOT easier to do this as an only child.

This! You can move closer to your children. Your sister is willing to take on the responsibilities of caring. That’s a win win, I’d say. Don’t rush to sell the house. Why change the will? Agree with your sister reasonable costs from your mother’s estate to cover expenses and a bit more if you think that is justified which it sounds like it is. Ask your sister to keep receipts for bigger items or agree them with you in advance if you really fear she might take advantage but it sounds like this is the obvious solution. Don’t martyr yourself or put unnecessary barriers in the way.

Re the declaration that she won't let your mum go into a home: if only I had a £ for every time I have heard that before reality hits and a swift about turn happens!

Go and do what is right for you and your family, if she has made no effort with you, don't let guilt get the better of you. I'm sure she didn't have any about her actions.

I know someone in this situation, they are 'playing the game' waiting on inheritance, because they didn't plan properly financially, I find this trait in my friend very distasteful. They don't answer the phone to her, put her off visits and keep her very much at arms length and do just enough for the money that's going to be coming.

The only reason to redo the will is so it is legal in England. That’s all.

I'm not an expert at all, but I think you should check whether the will actually needs redoing, or just signing and witnessing again to comply with both English and Scottish law - which would not be so onerous

She thinks I’m controlling

And so do I!

To pretty much every suggestion you have said some variation of "it won't work and I will have to pick up the pieces"
I think you should ask yourself just how much you enjoy feeling like the only responsible person in the family.

Let go for goodness sake!

Stop doing all the stuff you're doing (which your mother/sister/brother don't seem to appreciate or agree with anyway), move to be near your grandchildren and let them get on with it. If (when) the shit hits the fan you'll be available on the phone to give advice and verbal support, and that's all. They'll muddle through you know, you don't always have to be the one in control.

I don't want to be on the phone or asked for advice, that's really the issue. I don't want to be sorting out other people's messes. If they decide that's what they want to do, I don't want to be involved. I think that's really my fear, is that actually I will have more stuff to sort out because they've made awful decisions which I will be dragged into.

Yeah I really get that. So don't do it.

Do you think your sister/mother/brother would come to you for help if things get difficult? Maybe they would be able to muddle through.

What comes over loud and clear is that you don't want to be involved but you feel can't back off because you believe everyone else will do it "wrong".

That's what I think you need to let go of.

Just drop the rope. It sounds like the outcome everyone wants, including you.

How often do you actually see your DM if it is as rarely as possible?
If its say once a month, can you say you will still visit her when you move ( obviously not as often but presumably you don’t intend to never see her again). Often elderly people are selfish and ask for things that aren’t fair on the person they are asking.

I would write an email to your Dsis and DB to say you have decided to move because you want to see your DGC growing up. Say you will visit DM x times per year and that is as much as you can offer.

I had typed up a lot more, but actually I suspect your Dsis has little intention of following through on this and the more reference you make to it, the more she will dig in her heels. I would maybe try a different tack of polite indifference. If she asks you things point her in the direction of the solicitor, don’t get involved at all.

Get Social Services involved. She can get care arranged through them.
Age Concern or CAB can help her to apply for disability benefits to offset the cost.
Move to be with your family and make sure SS contact your brother or sister as her support.
There are other options that don't mean losing precious time with your grandkids and own child/ren.
You've done loads for her but she treats you poorly; you don't owe her continued support if she can't treat you respectfully. I'm presuming here that she doesn't have dementia, which can cause people to be quite nasty to others at times.
The role of carer isn't for everyone, it's a lot to ask and you shouldn't have to take this on just because no-one else is willing to.

You could possibly think about getting power of attorney for finance, you can do it online or through a solicitor. If you are all named attorneys, if your sister uses mum's funds she has to account for that spending so she wouldn't be able to do so without you and your bro being able to track it. That being said, it only comes into force if your mum loses mental capacity or asks you/ them to help out with organising financial stuff, so anything she chooses to give your sister of her own volition is her own business. Obviously, mum would have to be in full agreement with PoA being arranged.

I think I have to agree with your sister on this one - it does sound like you are struggling to give up control for some reason.

If you can delve into this you might find a way to feel ok with moving away and living your life (which is absolutely what I think you should do).

So don't do those things. It truly is that simple. You are the only one standing in your way here.

I’m not going to do anything if my mother moves in with my sister. I will try to monitor her bank accounts but that’s all. My sister no doubt believes I will do all sorts to support her but I won’t. It’s on her .

Good for you.

I think a lot of people here are saying you can step back without feeling guilty ... so go for it 👍