Another elderly mother one

[Stuckinasitiation]

Please help me decide what to do:

I have an elderly mother aged 88. She lives alone and so far has managed reasonably OK with some support from me. I live in the same town as her, having moved back 8 years ago . Previously I lived hundred of miles away and rarely saw her. I have never had a good relationship with her, but when I moved back I tried to untangle a lot of administrative stuff that was in a real mess. I have helped her with all sorts of issues. However our relationship has got worse and worse. Recently she was really spiteful and nasty to my OH who wants nothing more to do with her. I have tried to see her as little as possible but just do essential tasks because I don’t enjoy spending time with her.

She had a very full life with religious friends and activities . Her religion is her reason for living and she’s always put it before everything else. I don’t know her friends and find her conversation depressing and alienating because I don’t share her views.

I have two siblings who don’t do much. One lives 20 miles away but he only visits when he wants something or it suits his agenda. He loves her but she has now alienated him too by accusing him of stealing. So he no longer visits and she doesn’t have a good word to say about him. My sister lives at the other end of the country and visits once or twice a year for a holiday. Most of the time she is here she is out and about and finds more than three days with my mother intolerable.

My mother’s health has started to really fail. She’s had several falls and has recently decided to give up driving because she really isn’t safe. Losing her car has been a real blow and she’s sunk into a depressive state. She is now dependent on her friends for lifts or has to use public transport, both of which she hates. She seems increasingly confused and miserable , and has had several falls lately.

To get to the point, I have wanted for some time to live closer to my grandchildren and two of my children. Travelling to see them takes hours and is expensive as we can’t stay with them. I haven’t settled back here and now find myself very isolated with no friends. I feel very lonely and unhappy here. The issue is that every time I mention this to my mother she becomes agitated and upset. Even though I barely see her, she wants me here in case something happens to her. I know my brother won’t step up .

My sister has decided she wants to move my mother in with her. She gets on much better with my mother but very rarely sees her and hasn’t been at the sharp end of my mother’s increasingly erratic and nasty behaviour. She has a very full life but seems to imagine my mother will sit quietly in the garden or stay on her room. I am worried too quite frankly that she will use my mother’s money to feather her own nest. Perhaps that is unkind, but my mother already does a lot for her financially.

Having visited yesterday, I am shocked at how frail my mother seems, how lonely and scared she is. Again, she became distressed when she asked if I am still planning on leaving. I spoke to a friend in a similar situation, she was horrified that I would consider leaving my mother and asked me what the doctor would think! I don’t know even know the doctor!

I am immobilised by indecision and guilt. Should I stay until she dies? Accept my mother moving in with my sister? The latter will involve a lot of legal work and hassle, changing her will, selling her property and much more. I dread it as I know it will all fall to me.

Should I stay or should I go?

She already has a cleaner and doesn’t need a gardener. My sisters argument is that if I move away there will be no family members to visit her . My reply to that is that we can visit her a couple of times a year and she has a very strong network around her anyway. My brother could step up of course, but he would won’t.

Plus someone would have to manage it all, and I know that would be me.

This attitude is what needs to change.
Why would it have to be you? Why would you take on doing tasks for someone who is nasty to you?
Don't say "because there is no-one else who will do it" - that is part of the error in your thinking. Just because there is no-one else, doesn't mean you have to do it (whatever 'it' is in a particular circumstance).

How about just washing your hands of the situation and leaving tasks "not done" until events take their course.

I personally would feel absolutely no sense of family obligation or duty to a mother who was actively nasty toward me.

You will regret missing out on any more of your grandchildren's lives.

Well, who do you enjoy spending time with?

Sounds like your Mum doesn't enjoy spending time with you since you say she's horrid to you, so this all seems straightforward.

Go live near people you do have a good relationship with. Let everyone else sort out what they want for themselves - including your Mum and siblings.
I take it that it wouldn't be the end of the world if you didn't inherit - these things are never guaranteed anyway.

If your Mum gives you stick, say you're following her fabulous example, and you want to support your kid & grandkids as wonderfully as she supported you, (and try to keep a straight face). There might be a pause, at least...!

Go and move near your children .
If she moves in with your sister and your sister uses her money ,to me that's fair enough .

Go. Go live your life, and move soon before she gets frailer and she and your sis want you to do a fuckton more than you already do. She has had, is having, a lot of help from you which by the sounds of it she doesn’t deserve anyway op.

@EuclidianGeometryFan read what this poster says, she’s absolutely right. You need to give yourself permission not to feel guilty and not be a doormat. It is up to you, no-one else is making you do this stuff or thinking you should. Move asap, leave the “mess” which won’t become clear until you resist

Thank you . This really helps.

I hope it does help although I know it’s easier said than done. Please, I beg you, move nearer your kids and grandchildren. Choose what’s right for you, they won’t!

Go.

i don’t have the energy to explain my life but there’s so many points that resonate in your post. I choose to move my parents to me, Dad into care and Mother to my house. I did this alone as my sibling died last year, heartbreaking and a realisation of how important life is. I love my family but they reach a stage where their anxiety/depression/fear of changing situations and abilities/failing health/total reliance on one person (you) seriously affects your mental health.
Im not a selfish person, but I know I should be putting myself first, rather than my life on hold while theirs deteriorates, I had no choice and I’d probably do it again in the same set of circumstances, but if a friend asked me I’d tell them to prioritise themselves. You have one life, live it before it’s gone.

the money is irrelevant, if your sister wants to take the burden and some financial relief with it, let her. It doesn’t sound like you ‘want’ the burden, or are in grave ‘need’ of the money. It’s not yours so let it go.

to recap, go … live …be happy

Go and be with your children and grandchildren. They will benefit so much and make great memories with you.

You would be crazy to stay for your mother, and quite frankly your sister would also be crazy to move her in as well. Don't do it either of you!

She sounds very difficult. My mother is the same. However She is not your responsibility. I am really adamant about this. She may need carers or even to move into a care home. Do you have POA?

I may seem cold hearted and if I am, fine. But in cases like this I really believe you need to look to the future, your mum has lived a long life. If she can be made comfortable and still have family visits, that's enough in my opinion.

Could you get a joint power of attorney (to “help out” with admin ie keep an Eye on feathering attempts - but let your M move in with your sister?

We do have joint POA at the moment but I don’t know if that will still be legal in England.
I often get to the point where I just want to walk away from it all. I mostly manage my mother’s finances but my sister doesn’t like it at all. I keep an eye on interest rates etc. It causes issues and a lot of stress. My sister and I don’t have a trusting relationship and that doesn’t help the whole situation. I would love to drop the rope entirely and just walk away to be honest, but I can’t bear thinking about the fall out in terms of the mess my sister would make of everything . She thinks I’m controlling .

Yeah honestly ... At what price freedom?
Go build your own life be happy enjoy your GC while they are young...

Fwiw I read your post and thought the same as you re sister but honestly if she takes all that drama off you maybe its worth it. Also a care home could well eat all assets up.

but I can’t bear thinking about the fall out in terms of the mess my sister would make of everything

one of my parents was truly awful. I had similar feelings of " i van walk away" for diff reasons... but you can.
I cant remember the correct terms but i basically gave back poa and when they died i was automatically executor and i just renounced executor of will duties. I didnt plan the funeral and didnt go (people were upset but 5 yrs on got over it)

i actually ending up inheriting but really didnt care either way.
If you walk away its not your mess its just A mess.

She insists she will never let my mother go into a care home. I have been thinking that after my mother dies I really don’t want to have any relationship with my sister. My whole family is so fucked up.

I was actually going to say either before or when your dm dies go NC with your sister.
I'd go LC now tbh

Re the care home
I'm of the opinion talk is cheap...let her find out the hard way.... Its easy to say hard to do. Really hard.

I am younger than you but birth complications meant I've had to face my mortality much earlier than others. The Dr's said its common in late 60s 70s when people get their first real/ serious health scare

I haven't jacked in my job and started treating every day like its my last but I am totally over putting up with people's BS.
What can they actually do?
Nothing...

I'd really go be with your kids and GC.
The current situation is just making you miserable

Your sister needs to stay for a few days so she knows what she’s taking on. Ultimately I’d be happy with that arrangement, but I’d make it clear I’m moving and I’m not helping out at any future point. Does your DM know about the plan for your sister to move in…

No my sister isn’t moving in. She’s offered my mother a home with her if she gets a bigger house which is dependent on her husbands job. I will be making it clear that I won’t be doing anything to help if this happens. I’ll wash my hands of it all .
What annoys me is there hasn’t been any proper family discussion about it , just my sister talking. To my mother without really involving me. My mother is losing her critical faculties and is confused and scared. If my sister tells her it will all be lovely, she believes it.

So what though?

If you arent wasting your energy on this it doesnt matter how it pans out its their mess not yours

I can’t seem to accept that it will all go tits up and I need to completely disengage. I think part of it is feeling I’m letting my father down.

What an awful situation. I can't help thinking your dm would be better in warden assisted type accommodation where she is and has friends. Your sister will quickly change her tune once she has experienced living with her. You could take turns to visit her in her own, independent accommodation.

Either that or hasten your dsis yet to take her in. I doubt this will work but if they both block you moving her into a more suitable place, there's nothing you can do. I would let them get in with it and give up any concept of inheritance. I suspect your dsis will do what my dm did with an aunt. Take the proceeds of her house sale and buy a bigger home with a downstairs bedroom and bathroom. Quickly realise it won't work and find a nursing home. It will go tits up but it isn't your responsibility. Then it will resolve once it has gone tits up.

I agree, your mental health is more important. Let your sister take care of mum.

I feel awful saying this, but part of the issue is that there is quite a large disparity between my situation and my sisters. She has very little money and we are relatively well off. I do think the appeal of being able to get my mother to pay for things when she’s living there is a big part of her motivation . If she has to deal with my mother living with her she deserves compensation because I wouod never take that on. However once my mother is installed there my sister will run the show.

I agree 100% with this post. I spent the best part of a decade worrying about and latterly caring for DF. What it highlighted was the fact that myself and DM do not rub along well together at all. In fact the whole ‘caring’ thing with DF has equated to me almost despising DM. That’s another story, but I vow I’m not spending the rest of my retirement caring for her like that should she end up in the same state. I want to spend that time with my own young DC. Selfish in some peoples eyes, maybe, but I’m so done with people pleasing and family pleasing. No guilt here.

I’d also forget about the potential inheritance and encourage the move in with your sister. It’s about time she played her part. Sort out your house move and enjoy the freedom!

Oh dear @Stuckinasitiation here we have another elderly parent sucking the life out of us. There are so many threads on here of a similar ilk and I can only send sympathy and a hug. Is it a new thing? I certainly recall my parents having the time of their lives at my age not in a permanent state of anxiety.

Lots of good advice from regular and wise posters. Your sister is very unwise stating she would never put your mother in a home…..sometimes it is the only sensible option. Can your sister afford to become a full time carer, is she qualified?

Have a look at this it might be useful. https://outofthefog.website