Another elderly mother one

[Stuckinasitiation]

Please help me decide what to do:

I have an elderly mother aged 88. She lives alone and so far has managed reasonably OK with some support from me. I live in the same town as her, having moved back 8 years ago . Previously I lived hundred of miles away and rarely saw her. I have never had a good relationship with her, but when I moved back I tried to untangle a lot of administrative stuff that was in a real mess. I have helped her with all sorts of issues. However our relationship has got worse and worse. Recently she was really spiteful and nasty to my OH who wants nothing more to do with her. I have tried to see her as little as possible but just do essential tasks because I don’t enjoy spending time with her.

She had a very full life with religious friends and activities . Her religion is her reason for living and she’s always put it before everything else. I don’t know her friends and find her conversation depressing and alienating because I don’t share her views.

I have two siblings who don’t do much. One lives 20 miles away but he only visits when he wants something or it suits his agenda. He loves her but she has now alienated him too by accusing him of stealing. So he no longer visits and she doesn’t have a good word to say about him. My sister lives at the other end of the country and visits once or twice a year for a holiday. Most of the time she is here she is out and about and finds more than three days with my mother intolerable.

My mother’s health has started to really fail. She’s had several falls and has recently decided to give up driving because she really isn’t safe. Losing her car has been a real blow and she’s sunk into a depressive state. She is now dependent on her friends for lifts or has to use public transport, both of which she hates. She seems increasingly confused and miserable , and has had several falls lately.

To get to the point, I have wanted for some time to live closer to my grandchildren and two of my children. Travelling to see them takes hours and is expensive as we can’t stay with them. I haven’t settled back here and now find myself very isolated with no friends. I feel very lonely and unhappy here. The issue is that every time I mention this to my mother she becomes agitated and upset. Even though I barely see her, she wants me here in case something happens to her. I know my brother won’t step up .

My sister has decided she wants to move my mother in with her. She gets on much better with my mother but very rarely sees her and hasn’t been at the sharp end of my mother’s increasingly erratic and nasty behaviour. She has a very full life but seems to imagine my mother will sit quietly in the garden or stay on her room. I am worried too quite frankly that she will use my mother’s money to feather her own nest. Perhaps that is unkind, but my mother already does a lot for her financially.

Having visited yesterday, I am shocked at how frail my mother seems, how lonely and scared she is. Again, she became distressed when she asked if I am still planning on leaving. I spoke to a friend in a similar situation, she was horrified that I would consider leaving my mother and asked me what the doctor would think! I don’t know even know the doctor!

I am immobilised by indecision and guilt. Should I stay until she dies? Accept my mother moving in with my sister? The latter will involve a lot of legal work and hassle, changing her will, selling her property and much more. I dread it as I know it will all fall to me.

Should I stay or should I go?

I’m setting her up a taxi account now. My sister has stated she won’t put my mother in a home. I mentioned supported accommodation but my sister doesn’t know much about that and isn’t trying to get my mother to think of options.

If your sister is going to end of life caring she deserves the money.

I know she will probably refuse but it would be really helpful if you could get her some cognitive testing. People can mask how impaired they have become, especially if you spend only short periods of time with them. And cognitive impairment is about much more than memory - it’s about judgement and executive function and other higher functions.
If she has significant impairment then moving her out of her familiar environment and routines will lead to a definite decline in her function. In my experience sheltered housing complexes don’t cope well with people who cause difficulties because of memory loss and irritable behaviour. They will ask families to move those people to a nursing home. Similarly your sister will have no idea what she is taking on and it’s unlikely to work out in the long term.
It might be more possible if she is only mildly impaired. But then you should be thinking about getting power of attorney in place. Which could be a nightmare in itself because presumably your sister and brother and you might all want to be the POA. Joint POAs can cause lots of arguments. But if it was just your sister then she would need to justify what money of your mums she was spending and there would be safeguards built in.
If your mum has full capacity then it is her decision what happens .
In any case I think you should move and make your life with your grandchildren your priority. Things probably are not going to improve for your mum sadly, and her last few years might be a bit miserable whatever happens. You can’t change that because a lot of her unhappiness and frustration will be about inevitable loss of physical and mental functions . So no point in you feeling as miserable as your mum if it doesn’t change things for her.
And her old friends will tut and shake their heads. But will have absolutely no understanding of the nuances and difficulties of the situation.

From Scotland to England or vice versa? (In Scotland, children's rights are protected to an extent.)

You should definitely move nearer to your children and grandchildren. It sounds as though your sister is the 'golden child' and you are the 'scapegoat', good enough to be at her beck and call but not to be treated nicely and kindly by her. She doesn't value what you do for her and isn't grateful but just expects that you will keep on doing it.

Leave your sister and your mum to it. Forget the inheritance and don't be guilt tripped into stepping up again when you sister inevitably finds your mum too difficult to deal with.

@Stuckinasitiation just fyi;

There is a reciprocal agreement between England and Scotland on wills

If that is what the sister ends up doing, she probably will deserve the money. However, she seems to think her mum is fine and will probably be shocked when she realises how dependent her mother is and how much practical and emotional care she will need to provide. OP doesn't think that her sister has thought this through properly but this will only become clear once her sister has moved her mum into her new home.

My sister is a sort of bury her head in the sand person. She isn't practical , and isn't very nurturing either. She also has a teenage daughter living at home . Her life is very busy. I just can't see it working.

I spoke to a friend in a similar situation, she was horrified that I would consider leaving my mother and asked me what the doctor would think! I don’t know even know the doctor!

The only response to that is “here are the keys, feel free to provide care”.

More seriously, if your sister wishes to become the full time carer suggest she move in for a month or two to try it out. The reality may not be what she expects. If she does still want to proceed then really that is her choice. It used to be considered the norm for the child who stayed home to care for the elderly parents to benefit from having the house in the days where it was simply expected that one daughter would do this. It would make far more sense to sell the house in this situation unless she has sufficient assets to manage and operate the house whilst empty (its not cheap or easy).

Either way, if your mother doesn’t have PoAs (or local equivalent) in place for health and finance you need to do it whilst she has competence and decide which amongst you is best place to make any decisions.

but that's not for you to worry about, it offers a solution to your current dilemma, to stay or go.

It would certainly give you more freedom to decide knowing that Mum will at least be safely with your sister?

Thank you - this is very informative.

I had a relative who had a second home in Scotland and this website makes it clear why they had two wills.

We have POA set up now but they have been drawn up in Scotland, as has the Will. I agree it would be best to sell her property . The proceeds would be held by the Solicitor until her death. I have already suggested to both of them that a long stay for a month or two first would be the best option, but neither of them seem very keen on this idea!

For various reasons, we had an empty second property in Scotland and the council tax bill was diabolical - getting it sold was an immense relief. (It was a modest 2 bed house.)

Many people suggested renting it: the surveyor who did the home report counselled against it, saying that she'd seen people in floods of tears after their property had been wrecked.

ETA You're probably already aware, but Scots law specifies that children automatically inherit a percentage of the moveable estate.

The other thing you could do would be empty her property and rent it out (using a letting agent to fully manage the let), to provide her with an income and keep the asset. She would then have a bit of money to pay your sister for 'keep' without touching her capital (in case she needs it for a nursing home later) and/or taxis so she could keep some independence in making her own way to church* etc.

*mosque, temple, gurdwara etc - you didn't specify.

For goodness sake move to be near your children. This is your life - you won’t get another chance to live it

Move
Let your sister step up

I thought about that but the title deeds preclude it being let. Plus someone would have to manage it all, and I know that would be me.

She has plenty of money so that isn't an issue.

If someone is showing signs of confusion whilst in their own home, moving them can be the worst thing as it may be that they are coping because they are so familiar with their home and routines. Do not move her to warden assisted place as it really does not offer much.
Extra Care Housing can be good as often has communal meals if needed/ wanted and in house care with help with housework etc. but I would still say be cautious. Own home with care coming in is usually best option if she will accept it.
Surely it is better to be near your daughter and travel back to mum than vice versa?
If she does move in with your sister, just stay out of it. There are more important things than money. If she needs a care home eventually there will be questions about what happened to the money from her house if it is sold and used to buy somewhere with your sister.

You have done enough, OP. Honestly.

She won’t do that as my sister is in tied accommodation and I own a share of her property anyway.

But you said that your sister couldn’t tolerate more than’3 days with your mum’ - why does she want her to move in??

Good question.

What an intractable situation.

I agree with others that making a move that works for your life, as a mother and grandmother, is more than reasonable. I think it’s not surprising that your mum gets upset about that. That’s not a reason not to do it.

It seems extremely likely to me that she might do best to go into one of the sort of setups either extra care housing, or that has eg independent small bungalows or flats in the grounds of a nursing home. There’s quite a lot of them out there and some are much nicer than others.

But at that point that you move I think you do have to switch heads and allow your sister to make plans. Of course comment if you really don’t agree but otherwise it will be her taking this on. It may be disastrous in some form, but tbh disasters happen in the best planned scenarios, and in the meantime you have improved your own life and future.

Well I’d remind your sister of that.
Go, live near your children/grandchildren.
They grow up fast.
Don’t waste anymore time.
The best thing for your mum is ti stay in her own home- as she wishes.
luckily she has money and can pay for taxi for trips and carers - 4 times a day as time goes on.
I assume she already has a cleaner, gardener and mobile hair dresser?
For a lot of older people loneliness is a big problem, but that’s where the taxis come in - trips to see her friends/ church etc.
Do not be guilted into stepping into the dutiful daughter / carer role.
of Course she’d rather have you do it ( she thinks you owe her and will tell any kind of social assessor that you WANT to do it. Well no you don’t.
Get a doctor to spell it out ti her if she won’t accept it from you.
You can do the right thing by your mum , without sacrificing yourself on the alter of guilt.
Good strong boundaries.