Another elderly mother one

[Stuckinasitiation]

Please help me decide what to do:

I have an elderly mother aged 88. She lives alone and so far has managed reasonably OK with some support from me. I live in the same town as her, having moved back 8 years ago . Previously I lived hundred of miles away and rarely saw her. I have never had a good relationship with her, but when I moved back I tried to untangle a lot of administrative stuff that was in a real mess. I have helped her with all sorts of issues. However our relationship has got worse and worse. Recently she was really spiteful and nasty to my OH who wants nothing more to do with her. I have tried to see her as little as possible but just do essential tasks because I don’t enjoy spending time with her.

She had a very full life with religious friends and activities . Her religion is her reason for living and she’s always put it before everything else. I don’t know her friends and find her conversation depressing and alienating because I don’t share her views.

I have two siblings who don’t do much. One lives 20 miles away but he only visits when he wants something or it suits his agenda. He loves her but she has now alienated him too by accusing him of stealing. So he no longer visits and she doesn’t have a good word to say about him. My sister lives at the other end of the country and visits once or twice a year for a holiday. Most of the time she is here she is out and about and finds more than three days with my mother intolerable.

My mother’s health has started to really fail. She’s had several falls and has recently decided to give up driving because she really isn’t safe. Losing her car has been a real blow and she’s sunk into a depressive state. She is now dependent on her friends for lifts or has to use public transport, both of which she hates. She seems increasingly confused and miserable , and has had several falls lately.

To get to the point, I have wanted for some time to live closer to my grandchildren and two of my children. Travelling to see them takes hours and is expensive as we can’t stay with them. I haven’t settled back here and now find myself very isolated with no friends. I feel very lonely and unhappy here. The issue is that every time I mention this to my mother she becomes agitated and upset. Even though I barely see her, she wants me here in case something happens to her. I know my brother won’t step up .

My sister has decided she wants to move my mother in with her. She gets on much better with my mother but very rarely sees her and hasn’t been at the sharp end of my mother’s increasingly erratic and nasty behaviour. She has a very full life but seems to imagine my mother will sit quietly in the garden or stay on her room. I am worried too quite frankly that she will use my mother’s money to feather her own nest. Perhaps that is unkind, but my mother already does a lot for her financially.

Having visited yesterday, I am shocked at how frail my mother seems, how lonely and scared she is. Again, she became distressed when she asked if I am still planning on leaving. I spoke to a friend in a similar situation, she was horrified that I would consider leaving my mother and asked me what the doctor would think! I don’t know even know the doctor!

I am immobilised by indecision and guilt. Should I stay until she dies? Accept my mother moving in with my sister? The latter will involve a lot of legal work and hassle, changing her will, selling her property and much more. I dread it as I know it will all fall to me.

Should I stay or should I go?

No she says she will get carers in when needed. She has a very busy life . At the moment my mother is managing reasonably well. She doesn’t need carers or outside help. However it seems to me that she’s in the early stages of dementia possibly and is starting to have falls. I can see a rapid decline ahead.

@Stuckinasitiation so your sister says she will get carers in? That is ok BUT if your mother refused a cognitive test or assessment she may not agree to carers. That is the situation I am in. Social services can only do so much and if your mother is deemed to have capacity she can refuse carers. Your sister is kicking the can down the road. I have a sibling very similar. I would love to sit down as a family and have a sensible discussion but I can’t because rather like you it is a mess. Horrible for everyone. My mother is and always has been very controlling and manipulating- her behaviour in old age is no different she is holding all of us to ransom. Hope you can get through this.

There are times I think it would be easier to be an only child. I know several
women who are looking after elderly parents alone because their sibling/s don’t want to know . It’s a tremendous strain for them but at least they don’t have to negotiate difficult relationships with suspicious siblings as well as parents.

From your description it sounds as though she needs residential care. If that is a step too far then arrange for daily carer visits. Your mother barely capable of caring for herself and needs others to do it for her. I suggest you research local care homes and take her to visit one you choose (that has a vacancy). Or contact a care agency and ask them to visit and do a 'care assessment' - aka asking you what is needed: which might be twice daily visits to do: meal prep, cleaning, laundry, a chat etc. IME social services will be no help at all if your mother would be self-funding, or if not unless the situation is desperate. Elderly parents IME become very self-centred and tend to only want their DC to do the caring which is not realistic. Mine refused to engage with SS and insisted they did not need care. Often a crisis precipitates the necessary action, eg fall and hospital stay, which might have been avoided if the elderly person had been persuaded to see sense earlier. Your sister's idea is unrealistic IMO and is probably mainly about money, even if she won't admit it. You need to act now before your sister does.

@Stuckinasitiation as an only child I agree. I always thought it would be marvellous to have siblings at this stage. DH has two and whilst they live abroad, they could visit a great deal more, and I am 100% certain that if they lived here, they would do bugger all.

Just to add you must get POA sorted so that you (and not your sister or anyone else) can act on your mother's behalf. You need to do this quickly before your mother loses capacity. Read the elderly parents board - loads of useful stuff there.

@Redburnett all great suggestions however we organised a care assessment and our mother refused to let them in. I find the whole POA thing frustrating. We have joint. My brother has invoked the Finance one and sorts all that out. I have a few concerns about him having total access to quite a considerable amount of money, he has the bank cards for each account but I do not want the responsibility of handling our mothers money so if he is being less than transparent about the spending I am prepared to ignore it. I do not want any money from my mother.

The health POA is only useful when the person has lost capacity. My parents made huge song and a dance about POAs leaving all of the admin to me to do. They also batted away any conversation about what they did and did not want. There actual words were ‘oh we will just let you and (sibling one, sibling two) make all the decisions’.

Cue to reality, they resisted absolutely every sensible suggestions to move house/adapt the house you name it. They qualified for Attendance Allowance but simply banked the money - no small amount either.

My point is you cannot make someone have an assessment. You cannot just organise carers - we tried this and our mother simply refused to let them in.

Some elderly people are simply impossible and they expect US to do their caring. Sorry for the rant!

I would say your mother isn’t even at the beginning of dementia, she is fairly well into it (I have been through the whole ‘journey’ with my mother). Incidentally, accusing family/friends of stealing is almost diagnostic of dementia, it’s very common. It can be harder to recognise when the person has always been ‘difficult’, as they seem to simply be ‘more difficult’.

It is unlikely your mother will agree to go to your sisters, and unlikely your sister will tolerate it.

She does not sound suitable for warden-assisted accommodation, I doubt they would tolerate her behaviours. She may manage for a while with care in her own home, but she will soon need a care home.

If your sister doesn’t accept that, let her make the decisions and live with the fall out. You don’t want a relationship with either of them so I would move away and let your mother and sister get on with it.

In reality, events will probably overtake them. Your sister doesn’t even have the house yet, and your mother is going to deteriorate. Her decline could play out over the next year, or the next 5+ years. You need to decide if you want to get involved in these battles for that long, or let it go.

Well if your sister is running the show - fantastic! You don't have to!

Gently OP, it seems you have accepted a family role (ties in with praise from you Dad perhaps) that you are the responsible one (perhaps, "unlike your sister"?), but the downside of this is that you can't trust anyone else with a tricky situation, and he thought of letting go of the reins terrifies you because you will still feel "responsible" for their screwups.

It's possible your family have a point when they call you comtrolling, as that could well be how your anxiety comes across to them.

I am not saying this to judge you in any way. I am saying this because you sound very much like my own dear (and I mean that, I love he wholeheartedly) sister who because of her personality plus accidents of timing in our past, ended up being "responsible" in a difficult family situation and has never quite shaken off her anxiety, especially around our elderly Mum.

Fortunately our Mum is lovely and so our situations are not at all comparable in the respect. But you insistence that "it will all fall to me" and "I will have to sort out the mess" really reminds me of my sister. (Who we do all tease for her bossiness, and she doesn't mind because we also praise and thank her for her competence.)

One thing to think about in all this is that your mother is becoming frail and pretty soon by the sounds of it there will be some kind of crisis. If you can a) be many miles away and b) have accepted she is not actually your sole responsibility, then the burden of dealing with it is much more likely to be shared - for example with social services having to do more, and or your siblings.

Which would be a lot fairer to you, your OH, and your own family.

I think the difficulty with many elderly DPs - certainly with my own - is that they only permit paid for care when it’s just about too late. Honestly I would just move. I would much rather provide care and support to DGCs than a DM too stubborn to see the end of her own nose. Plus you’re right, the situation is fragile so go while you still can. Every month you postpone you miss being close to your DGCs as they grow up.

The reality is you probably will have to spend some time doing the long trip between the two places as your DM worsens, but presumably you do it now to visit your family, so why not spend the majority of the time where you want to be and deal with the fall out if and when it happens.

Oh and I agree being an only DC is a lot easier in some ways, but still having two living DPs I have to deal with the seemingly conflicting demands of both of them. They said they didn’t want to be a burden and to throw them into a home when the time came, but now they need more support they refuse to accept reality and instead need my input to maintain the masquerade that they are managing just fine. Sorry I know that is my situation not yours, but so many of us seem to have our lives constrained by elderly parents.

@candycane222 speaks a lot of sense. I can’t believe that people are still suggesting you research care homes, sort out POA etc. DON’T! You could tell your sister you’ve had a change of heart and feel that her idea should be given a chance. Don’t keep thinking that, if you give it one more month or six more months, things will sort themselves out. You will look back and see that was a waste of time when you could be making plans to move and spending more time with your own GCs. As I said before, you need to choose not to feel guilt. Don’t worry about social expectations and what other people would do/think. When my BIL went into a care home, after being looked after by my DSis who is younger than him, she was surprised and heartened that everyone said that they understood and that it was the right thing to do.

Sorry I've not read the whole thread from the top so a PP may have already said what I'm going to say...

Your description of how your mother is very much mirrors what happened to my DM when dementia took hold. The falls, agitation, unpleasantness, accusations of stealing (we had lots of this), suspicious of everyone. All very familiar. Is she having delusions? Taking herself off places and not being able to recall why? Getting upset over day to day things like bills and banking?

If you can't convince her to go into a home then I'd say let your sister take her and you go to be near your grandchildren and visit when you can. Your sister's resistance to a care home will very likely change, particularly if your mother does have dementia and it gets worse (eg if she needs help with going to the loo, washing, feeding, nighttime agitation etc). It's likely to be a short term thing - but I can totally see why it's a massive PITA for you if it will fall to you to sort all the admin/legal side.

I would move, as others have said this phase could last for years. It's. It your fault your brother won't step up -that's your mother's problem. It doesn't sound like you owe your mother very much

Sorry it's NOT your fault your brother won't step up

You go. I can't believe that you've chosen to sacrifice yourself and your precious time with your own children and grandchildren to favour a woman who is not nice to you.

It's the circle of life; we grow up loving our parents (if we've had a normal, loving childhood. I didn't.). Then we in turn dedicate ourselves to our children. There's room for both, but surely your children take priority?

There is a ton of useful and well-meaning info on this thread about care assessments, wills, PoA etc etc etc but the upshot is that none of that is your problem.

Move away, enjoy seeing more of your children and grandchildren. Let your sister deal with this unpleasant, selfish individual if she wishes. Forget about the money.

Talk to some estate agents today, take the bull by the horns.

This is all going to turn into a shitshow OP, you know it; and there is nothing you can do about it. You've done what you can, now it's their turn to make their own choices and you must learnt to let things unfold.

I'm sure your father would have wanted you to make the most of your life with your children and grandchildren, rather than struggling to fix this impossible situation.

Make your move before things suddenly take a dramatic turn.

Agree with @Beachtastic here 👍

I think I should have gone before now really. Definitely made my mind up now. I will bow to whatever happens and extricate myself if my mother does move in with my sister.

I echo what everyone else says, move and I would do it asap before sister changes her mind. Spiteful old people do not suddenly have an epiphany and change their nature, they often get worse. Leave them to it, save yourself while you can.
I speak as a daughter who moved abroad, believe me it is just as bad being at their beck and call on the phone. My siblings benefitted a lot financially throughout adulthood and as far as I was concerned they owed care responsibility, I didn't. You have done your share, it's time sister stepped up xx

I would suggest a 'trial run' and she goes to your sister for respite for a month. You (and your sister) can then formulate a longer term plan.

I have already suggested that.

I also agree with Beachtasic here. Your mother is verbally nasty to you. She still expects you to stay near her to provide help and care. She has some cognitive decline and does not want to admit this. She has money. Your sister wants to move your mother into her home but seems to have no idea what this may entail long term.
You have done your best here so let them make their own choices now. Let them deal with the fallout when it happens.

At the moment your want to sell your home and move near your own kids and grandkids. I would move before things get worse. Moving will improve your own life and happiness. You don't want to be stuck caring for your mother and dealing with family members who will as little as possible to help you out.

One of my friends has a mother in her 80's with some cognitive decline. A few months ago her mother had a health issue and needed a lot of help for several weeks. My friends siblings did as little as possible to help her out then. My friend had to listen to her mother complaining no matter how much she did then. She has been verbally nasty to my friend at times for years. She is also mean despite having money.
My friend has decided to change jobs for one with more hours and money early next year and is keeping quiet about her plans. She has decided that her siblings can step up and deal with her mother, find career's or sort out a nursing home if required.

Reframe it.

Her current property will need selling at some point. So that’s not an IF activity it’s a when. Your sister might do useful stuff if it’s part of the move.

Your mothers support needs are going to come at a cost one way or another, no worse going to your sister than care services.

A new will through a solicitor will give a structure to the important discussions that need to take place. Power of attorney, end of life care plans etc.

I don't understand how you got this impression. She is living independently and has just given up driving. She doesn't need carers yet but she's had a cleaner for years. She's still very active but beginning to have falls and her moods are getting very erratic, her memory is going and she's unpredictable. I also don't think she eats properly, but that's been the case for years. I can see in a year or two that things might be very different. She needs a lot of help with admin because she can't cope anymore with her paperwork and organising things. She doesn't use the internet either.