Another elderly mother one

[Stuckinasitiation]

Please help me decide what to do:

I have an elderly mother aged 88. She lives alone and so far has managed reasonably OK with some support from me. I live in the same town as her, having moved back 8 years ago . Previously I lived hundred of miles away and rarely saw her. I have never had a good relationship with her, but when I moved back I tried to untangle a lot of administrative stuff that was in a real mess. I have helped her with all sorts of issues. However our relationship has got worse and worse. Recently she was really spiteful and nasty to my OH who wants nothing more to do with her. I have tried to see her as little as possible but just do essential tasks because I don’t enjoy spending time with her.

She had a very full life with religious friends and activities . Her religion is her reason for living and she’s always put it before everything else. I don’t know her friends and find her conversation depressing and alienating because I don’t share her views.

I have two siblings who don’t do much. One lives 20 miles away but he only visits when he wants something or it suits his agenda. He loves her but she has now alienated him too by accusing him of stealing. So he no longer visits and she doesn’t have a good word to say about him. My sister lives at the other end of the country and visits once or twice a year for a holiday. Most of the time she is here she is out and about and finds more than three days with my mother intolerable.

My mother’s health has started to really fail. She’s had several falls and has recently decided to give up driving because she really isn’t safe. Losing her car has been a real blow and she’s sunk into a depressive state. She is now dependent on her friends for lifts or has to use public transport, both of which she hates. She seems increasingly confused and miserable , and has had several falls lately.

To get to the point, I have wanted for some time to live closer to my grandchildren and two of my children. Travelling to see them takes hours and is expensive as we can’t stay with them. I haven’t settled back here and now find myself very isolated with no friends. I feel very lonely and unhappy here. The issue is that every time I mention this to my mother she becomes agitated and upset. Even though I barely see her, she wants me here in case something happens to her. I know my brother won’t step up .

My sister has decided she wants to move my mother in with her. She gets on much better with my mother but very rarely sees her and hasn’t been at the sharp end of my mother’s increasingly erratic and nasty behaviour. She has a very full life but seems to imagine my mother will sit quietly in the garden or stay on her room. I am worried too quite frankly that she will use my mother’s money to feather her own nest. Perhaps that is unkind, but my mother already does a lot for her financially.

Having visited yesterday, I am shocked at how frail my mother seems, how lonely and scared she is. Again, she became distressed when she asked if I am still planning on leaving. I spoke to a friend in a similar situation, she was horrified that I would consider leaving my mother and asked me what the doctor would think! I don’t know even know the doctor!

I am immobilised by indecision and guilt. Should I stay until she dies? Accept my mother moving in with my sister? The latter will involve a lot of legal work and hassle, changing her will, selling her property and much more. I dread it as I know it will all fall to me.

Should I stay or should I go?

Oh my that sounds difficult. I really have no advice as only you know the answer. My neighbour has just turned 100 so “waiting it out” could take years.

is it guilt that’s keeping you there? What do you want more inheritance in the future or happiness now?

It’s guilt. God knows why. She’s never lifted a finger for me .Also yes, she could live into her nineties.

I think I would let go of the inheritance issue and allow my sister to move mum in with her.

Also, why would all the legal work fall to you if your sister is the one she would be moving in with? And how complicated is her will?

You go.
you live your life, you don’t spend another potentially 10 years giving up your life and what you want to support her.

but -you also accept that your sister may very well feather her nest with you mothers money, and there’s not a lot you can do about that.

My sister doesn’t understand the need to make a new will or understand any of the practicalities. A new will needs to be made as she’s living to a different legal system. My sister seems to think she can just leave her current home empty too.

Please go and live your life as you please. Hold no guilt.

I don’t know why there has to be a change of will for your mother to live with your sister? Also who has POA as nothing will ‘fall’ to you unless you have it. Even if you do you cannot be forced to do anything.

Yes I think that’s right.

I had a wonderful close relationship with my mother and yet by the end she had driven me to a breakdown. There's no judgement here!

I would think if your sister is wanting to move your mum in with her then she should take over all the organising and you should be free to move to where you want to live.

You mention the money and your concerns about your sister but honestly, no amount of money would compensate me for the years I spent caring for my mum at the expense of my children and my husband.

If your mother has local friends and a church that is her whole life does she even want to move in with your sister, who lives at the far end of the country? Surely it would make more sense for your mother to receive a care package at home or go into a local nursing home than to uproot and move somewhere where she knows no one. What does she think of your sister's plan?

I agree with previous responses; if you can be at peace with your sister benefiting financially, do a well thought through, organised hand over to your sister.

You go. Move nearer to your children and grandchildren. Stop discussing it with your mother.

Your brother has the measure of her. Your sister might soon too if she moves your mother in with her. She'll either feather her nest or the relationship will break down completely and she will regret it big time.

Your grandchildren will be growing up fast. Don't waste what could be several more precious years being abused by your mother and living in a place you have not settled well in.

Your sister wants to move your mum in with her but what does your mum actually want given that her life and friends are where she currently lives?

Falls, confusion, agitation and accusations of stealing could well be the beginnings of dementia. If so, any move now could well be a temporary one - especially if your sister has unrealistic expectations.

Good luck to your sister with all that 😳😂

It is a shame that it might impact you financially, but it might not. And if it does, you can count it as money well spent on not having to deal with this any more.

I suspect your sister will soon realise she's bitten off more than she can chew, so be prepared for the whole plan to go tits-up at some point. Try not to step in to the rescue: your mother has made her bed, and must lie in it! She has the support of her God, who sounds like the only one she will ever trust!

You've done what you could and deserve a life of your own.

Definitely this. For the long term, it might be advisable to find some kind of warden-assisted accommodation that can escalate to dementia care if needed.

If she moves to your sister's, I doubt that will be the end of the story and just the upheaval and unfamiliarity of her new surroundings could accelerate her cognitive decline.

She is best cared for by professionals who know how to handle the changes they are used to seeing in frail elderly people.

I totally agree. I have said this to my sister and to my mother herself. My mother won’t accept that she might struggle with stairs in her flat in the future for example. I talked to her about warden assisted accommodation and also tried to get her to go to the doctor for a cognitive assessment but she didn’t want to.

Very true. I can see my sister quickly getting out of her depth and asking me to come and stay to cover holidays etc. I’m not doing that.

She would rather stay where she is with me at her beck and call. Having been rude and unsupportive to me my whole life. She also accuses me of being controlling. I can see a situation where she has more falls
and I am on call constantly. She’s already broken her arm.

Has your sister visited your mother recently and does she know of her recent deterioration? If not, I'd suggest that she comes for a visit.

She has been for two visits but says my mother seems sprightly and fine. I see a different side. She tends to go out a lot anyway so doesn’t spend that much time with my mother. Also my mother puts on a good front when she is there. I see the depressed, not coping side and the mood swings.

Is it worth having a quick word with the people who run your mother's church, in case they know of appropriate accommodation that might support your mother while keeping her community ties?

It does sound like early dementia. Frailty appears so suddenly as I have found.

I don't understand why your mother is reliant on lifts from friends or puic transport. There is a third way and funded by no longer running a car. A taxi account.

Personally, for as long as your mother has capacity she can't be forced. I think I'd be minded to carry on for 6 to 12 months. Things often change swiftly. If when they do, your mother has no option to go into shared accommodation, it needs to be funded from her estate and the remainder divided three ways.

My sister has sold it to her in a rose tinted package. It’ll all be lovely, with company and a lovely garden to sit in etc. my sister hadn’t even moved into the house, it’s a plan that may not come off.

Ugh, I think you have to leave them to it. It's likely to go badly, but by then you will be far away and it's no longer your problem!