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Elderly parents

The Rogue Carer rides again...ffs

29 replies

SummerCanDoOne · 01/08/2025 19:36

Some of you may remember me from a few years ago...Dad on end of life, Mum had a thing for his companion carer which became reciprocal a few weeks before my dad passed away in 2021. She was up and down emotionally for the following year and I reported the situation to social services, his employer and the police. Investigations happened, they claimed they had become close friends, played it like it was all grief driven on my part. He got a slap on the wrist and a couple of training workshops and went back to work before retiring in spring 2023.

Since then he has been visiting my mum fortnightly. He is now 69 and my mum 86. I've tried to let it lie as she seems on an even keel with the arrangement (my main concern previously, aside from his lack of professionalism/taking advantage, was the impact it was having on her mental health) but...

...she has made it clear their relationship is sexual and has disclosed some of the things he has been asking/suggesting they do 🤮. She doesn't seem bothered, more curious.

She has also told me recently that she has left him money in her Will but refuses to disclose how much, which caused quite a row between us. She's entitled to leave what she wants but I'd just like to be forewarned so I don't get a nasty shock at an already challenging time.

He is no longer working although apparently has started volunteering at a home for elderly people with dementia although I don't know the name of it (nothing to do with my mum but I have to wonder at his motives).

He is so clearly a wrong 'un, but there's nothing more I can do is there?

I've been wanting to relocate for a few years but holding fire because I'm the only family she has but I'm about to turn 50 and really don't think I can deal with this anymore on top of having to work two jobs to stay afloat as we live in a fairly expensive area...

OP posts:
SummerCanDoOne · 21/08/2025 21:55

MimiGC · 21/08/2025 09:33

Would it be normal behaviour from your mum to talk to you in detail about her sexual life? If not, I would be concerned about this a possible sign of disinhibition or personality change (which in turns might be early indicators of dementia)…

Mum has always been quite prudish - or at least she was with my dad. I can totally understand where you're coming from but I don't get that vibe.

It's been two or three occasions and more 'what do you know/think about xyz?' than 'the other night with blokie we were in bed and...' 🤢

She knows I'm quite broad minded and says she doesn't feel she can chat to her friends about these things. I suggested that's what private browsing on t'internet is for!

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Summerhillsquare · 21/08/2025 22:05

I have a thread on a similar subject, a friend not family, but money is already given and there's talk of selling up so she can buy house with this man.

menopausalmare · 21/08/2025 22:05

Do you have powers of attorney for her? My mum gave me a copy of her will years ago and has written me a list of people to contact and accounts in the event of her death. Would your mum be willing to have a conversation with you about her finances? At least you could help to keep her money safe and had a say in her care if you feel she might be manipulated.
I would also report this individual to Age Concern, social services and his new employer. He certainly sounds like a shady character.

SummerCanDoOne · 21/08/2025 22:47

He's no longer employed - just volunteering and I believe it's a friend of his that owns/runs the home.

I have POA but she definitely wouldn't be considered unable to make her own
decisions.

I've tried to talk to her about her Will but she says it's none of my business. She tells me most of her savings are tied up in short term, high interest ISAs and similar.

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