The Rogue Carer rides again...ffs

[SummerCanDoOne]

Some of you may remember me from a few years ago...Dad on end of life, Mum had a thing for his companion carer which became reciprocal a few weeks before my dad passed away in 2021. She was up and down emotionally for the following year and I reported the situation to social services, his employer and the police. Investigations happened, they claimed they had become close friends, played it like it was all grief driven on my part. He got a slap on the wrist and a couple of training workshops and went back to work before retiring in spring 2023.

Since then he has been visiting my mum fortnightly. He is now 69 and my mum 86. I've tried to let it lie as she seems on an even keel with the arrangement (my main concern previously, aside from his lack of professionalism/taking advantage, was the impact it was having on her mental health) but...

...she has made it clear their relationship is sexual and has disclosed some of the things he has been asking/suggesting they do 🤮. She doesn't seem bothered, more curious.

She has also told me recently that she has left him money in her Will but refuses to disclose how much, which caused quite a row between us. She's entitled to leave what she wants but I'd just like to be forewarned so I don't get a nasty shock at an already challenging time.

He is no longer working although apparently has started volunteering at a home for elderly people with dementia although I don't know the name of it (nothing to do with my mum but I have to wonder at his motives).

He is so clearly a wrong 'un, but there's nothing more I can do is there?

I've been wanting to relocate for a few years but holding fire because I'm the only family she has but I'm about to turn 50 and really don't think I can deal with this anymore on top of having to work two jobs to stay afloat as we live in a fairly expensive area...

I would be very concerned by this too.
I think I would try to find out where the home is that he is presently volunteering in and give them a warning about what happened between him and your mum. They can at least then monitor his behaviour with their vulnerable residents

I remember your thread op, and I'll tell you what I told you then...GO.

I believe it's owned by a friend of his...

My friend thinks the reason he only sees mum fortnightly is because he has other vulnerable women lined up...I'm almost tempted to stick an Apple tracker on his car to find out.

Am sure have heard this sort of thing discussed on radio 4, maybe Moneybox or Women’s Hour.
There is advice online too

I'll see if I can find anything but it feels as though my hands are tied.

He's no longer working for the care agency but has chosen to continue this 'relationship' with my mum. She has capacity and there's nothing non-consensual going on - she worships him.

Last time they were spoken to by social services and the police, they lied about the nature of their relationship and he got a smack on the wrist.

I've since managed to find out how much she's left him - it's a little more than I'd consider reasonable but not really outlandish - so that's a relief at least. It's just her attitude and what it all signifies that bothers me - at one point she wanted him to be her reserve POA, which thankfully I talked her out of!

I can just imagine him keeping his powder dry until she's on her last legs then proposing and I'll end up having a legal battle over the Will. I don't feel I can trust her judgement anymore and she has no respect for my feelings or opinions so there's a lot of potential for something awful to happen.

I may give someone like Age UK a call this week and see what they can suggest.

I think calling Age UK is a very good idea.

It’s difficult - he is walking a very clever line. I would also agree that at some point he will propose. I know I’ve seen media stories about exploitative marriages but can’t remember any of the outcomes!

Yeah he's been adamant with her this far that he has no interest in getting married or living with someone...I can imagine that changing very rapidly if she's suddenly diagnosed with something and given six months to live...

...not least as he's currently living in a flat which he owns but can't sell as there's only 35 years left on the leasehold.

Age UK are good on many things.

I think I remember your previous posts in the Cockroach Cafe and elsewhere on here @SummerCanDoOne - did you used to have a username that mentioned mint?

It's an awful situation for you and my heart goes out to you. It must be so distressing to endure. I agree that he probably has a string of besotted ladies thinking they're his one true love.

In addition to Age UK, I wonder if it might be worth contacting Hourglass - an organisation dedicated to preventing, or dealing with elder abuse in whatever form it takes. They've got a helpline - Hourglass.

Best wishes to you. I hope this can be fixed somehow. x

OP have you considered airing this on Gransnet?

Hello, recognise a familiar face from the cockroach caff.. Hope you and dd are doing well.
Worth speaking to the bank about your m being vulnerable in terms of unusual transactions?

Future potential transactions?

Thanks @REP22 and @thesandwich

Yes that's me, I was MintyCedric back in the day.

I called Age UK earlier and they've put me in touch with Hourglass. I've not called them yet as had stuff on this afternoon.

Honestly I just can't believe this crap is still dragging on. I really thought he'd lose interest or she would not be long behind my Dad but it seems they're both playing the long game!

This particular flare up is all the more painful as I felt mum and I had been getting closer, despite all the water under the bridge.

The cynic in me suspects that you might be right that he is planning a 'death bed' marriage, in which case it wouldn't matter that she only left him a moderate amount in her will as marriage will invalidate any previous will (unless explicitly made in anticipation of marriage). If she didn't make another will and died intestate he would get the first £322k and all her personal possessions plus half of the remainder of the estate.

It's really difficult as often people become less reasonable and practical as they age. My Mum is around the same age and it can be almost impossible to get her to make sensible decisions, but she has capacity so really there's not much DB and I can do except observe a slow motion disaster unfold. Fortunately not romance related in her case.

If you do not already have it please try and sort power of attorney. He has some brass neck and is probably extracting cash from your money. She is probably lonely and he is more than likely filling her with compliments.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar that sum
would basically be her entire estate.

She's pretty astute generally but has absolutely no critical thinking skills as far as he's concerned.

@Wayk i am her POA, along with my DD. Originally she wanted him to be deputy but thank god I did manage to talk her out of that.

She's quite open about her finances and I don't think she's handing any money over to him as it stands, although at one point when he was suspended during the investigation into their relationship he suggested she could pay him to visit in a private arrangement. She's since told me that has never happened and from
what I can tell from the knowledge I have of finances that seems to beat out, although she has a bit of a fixation about always having cash in the house 'in case of emergencies' so I wouldn't be surprised if she's bunging him £50 every so often.

The sex aspect is as worrying as the money tbh. She's asked me some questions which have made my mind boggle.

I remember you from your threads back then (I had a different name but was a regular on elderly parent threads) and I have wondered a few times how you were getting on.

There really should be some sort of equivalent of Clare's law for people showing an unusual interest in elderly people (sexual or otherwise) - they are so vulnerable to emotional grooming.

I don't have any advice, except that if your DD is off living her own life now, and your DM is in reasonable health and could carry on for years, you need to put your own life plans first, and if that involves moving away from your mother, so be it.

I am late 50s and have just made a move I have been wanting to for years, but couldn't because of constant crises involving DC at home and two disabled elderly parents in need of a lot of attention, followed by a cancer diagnosis just after the last elderly parent died. It is amazing to be able to prioritise myself for a change - I highly recommend it.

I don't have any advice, except that if your DD is off living her own life now, and your DM is in reasonable health and could carry on for years, you need to put your own life plans first, and if that involves moving away from your mother, so be it.

I'm very much leaning towards this way of thinking. I feel I really need to make the move in the next year or so in order to have time to establish myself work wise and grow a new social network. Mum has just turned 86 and realistically when I read the local 'hatch, match and despatch' pages the majority are in their nineties.

I'm financially disadvantaged by staying put, which is affecting my work like and in turn my health (I've recently been put on medication for high blood pressure). If I try and address one thing, it's at the expense of another and I just desperately want to be on a more even keel.

DD and I have a great relationship but she is fiercely independent and has no desire to come back to our little, flagging seaside town and her career options are pointing very much London-ward which has been her dream since she was tiny, so Mum is literally the only thing keeping me here.

I'm terrified I'm going to stay put and in five or ten years time find myself burnt out, resentful, financially screwed over and it'll be too late to make the changes I want by then.

Don't stay put @SummerCanDoOne but if you do move you need to accept you will have less influence over your Mum's "love life".

I came on to add that another anonymous safeguarding referral may also be worthwhile. These things can often be cumulative and you have no idea who else might be flagging him to the system, if indeed, there are others lined up in the wings.

Good luck, and I am so sorry this is happening. It must be a huge worry.

@Thingamebobwotsit I have no influence now as she's stubborn as hell and won't listen to reason.

I work in a welfare/safeguarding role and have explained to her very which way to Tuesday the issue with him being a carer when all this started and she still can't or won't get her head around why it's a problem 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thinking of you @SummerCanDoOne and wondering how you are. Did you get any help from Hourglass?

Hope you're doing OK. x 💐

Sorry to hear of your situation OP, sent you a PM.

A

Would it be normal behaviour from your mum to talk to you in detail about her sexual life? If not, I would be concerned about this a possible sign of disinhibition or personality change (which in turns might be early indicators of dementia)…