Complete refusal to use technology

[Senttotestus]

My mum is 79 & a completely technophobic
In her mid 50s she resigned from her job as a Drs receptionist because they introduced computers. She worked for a few more years on a helpline then retired at 60
She has never sent a text message or WhatsApp
She has never sent an email
She cannot google anything
She has never purchased or booked anything online

A man from a tech charity for the elderly spent 2 sessions with her with no improvement

Over covid I told her she must learn to FaceTime & she has £1k worth of iPad for this purpose, she can also log onto her Halifax app to look at her balance - she cannot make any payments.

i do all her online banking, food shopping &
booking of appointments, she eagerly gives out my email address as if I am her PA

She has just rung to see where her Waitrose delivery is & she was unable to open the Waitrose app on her iPad - ITS 3 CLICKS - she presses everything with such force that most times the IPad thinks she is trying to move the apps around

I am accepting of this most days but today it just feels wilful that she has rejected all technology for over 20 years and thinks it’s acceptable to shrug and get me to do everything , laughing at any suggestion that she should be able to do some of these very basic things.

Rant over - deep breaths!! Anyone else in a similar position?

It’s very hard if she’s expecting to benefit from you using the technology.

What stops her just going shopping face to face?

Step back and she’ll have to make do with phone options or doing stuff in person using a can if need be?

Oh good grief / my mother is 16 years older and quite competent with tech

you however need to practise the word “no “

Yup I get your frustration
DM was told and told over the years that DD wouldn’t always be there to do it .
And now he’s not there she’s blaming him for not letting her learn . Absolute rubbish he constantly tried to teach her .
End of tether here .
JUST do this JUST do that .
All adds up and she refuses to learn ,

Here!

My parents don't have the internet. Tbf to them, they manage to do most things by phone/ in person. My Mum does give out my email address occasionally, and always has a long list of things (usually what prices houses on their road have sold for) she wants me to look up for her when they come to stay.

Mid-70s so absolutely no reason they couldn't have got with the programme in the last 20 years or so. I think they will struggle when they are less mobile, and I will be getting broadband installed the moment I have to go down there for any period of time to assist them so I can actually work!

Just leave her to it, she’ll have to learn.

My dad wants to activate his free trial of Apple TV. He’s been begging me to do it for the last week, I’ve said no. He’s capable of going on and booking a round of golf so he can do this!

Stop booking her appointments, managing online banking and doing shops. Tell her to figure it out.

You can loan books from the library to learn about using technology, she could visit the charity again and ask for help.

Start saying “No”.

My Mil is 80 and can’t even work the house phone or tv remote. Been told many many times but just won’t take it in. She’s definitely not stupid but 100% acts it so dh has to go to her house and show her again and again. Tried to get her to use a mobile about 10 years ago so she could FaceTime family abroad but again wasn’t willing to even try. Actually it’s not just older people. Dh has a friend mid 50’s that doesn’t even want to learn about email and internet. Can’t be doing with all this modern stuff. It’s only been around for 30 years 😂

She is quite disabled now - needs a lot of assistance to get anywhere.

That IPad could enable her in so many ways

Seated exercise on YouTube
Audible books
podcasts
uber

Its the laughing at her own inability that really infuriates me

if I didn’t order her groceries she wouldn’t have anything to eat so I can’t say no to that but I have told her to stop giving out my email address and instead insist that these clinics/organaisations have her registered as no email

Of course you can say no. She’ll soon realise.

My mil thinks we still go into the bank and post office to pay her bills. And you can just go in to a shop without her bank card and give them the PIN code and they can process the payment 😂

Would anyone else genuinely refuse to order food for a disabled 79 year old - this is REALLY eye opening

If they were fully capable of doing it themselves but just refused to? Yes

I’ve got an 80 year old mother exactly the same. No reason she could not have learnt as she was also working when computers came in but refused to engage with any change on principle. She also had a brand new iPad given to her and it’s still in the box.

Problem is, she is housebound so can’t shop for herself. I worry that if I didn’t do the shopping for her if I was ill or something, she would literally starve as there is no back up.

I do find it annoying as tbh I think it was purely stubbornness which prevented her moving with the times. Other people her generation managed it, including my father who was older.

I'm sorry that's awful, I'm 70 and my DH 78 and we both bloody love tech.

What an utter pain that a) she's missing out and b) you feel you have to do everything for her.
Can't you farm some of it out to some sort of support worker? It's a lot to have to think about extra in your life.

Some people use age as an excuse. It’s a cop out. I’m nearly 60 and my first degree is in computer science (I graduated in 1990!) so it’s not a “new thing”!! People who are 70+ now were 40s in the 90s so it’s just pig headedness.

No definitely not. It’s annoying they won’t try and take it in but we still never refuse her. Been told 100 times how to find the channel she wants but gets so annoyed he just goes and does it for her. She only lives 5 minutes away so it’s not too annoying but would never refuse to do anything for her

She can’t even open the app correctly, it’s a hideous experience - bashes the iPad like it’s a typewriter from 1965

My fil had the same attitude to tech. What can help is writing down instructions on a pad with a drawing of the appropriate button/s.
It’s getting harder and harder to carry on with ordinary life without computers and the internet these days.

My DM is mid 80s and she manages most things. Still a bit flummoxed by changes of provider.
DH is 70 and retired a couple of years ago from a data driven job. Age is not an excuse - he's more technical than me.
Send her some phone numbers for things you are currently doing for her. Most banks still have phone banking (don't they have an obligation to do so?), Shop Mobility etc.

Yes! If she realises she won't have any food she'll only keep saying no to the iPad for so long!

you are not responsible for your mother and you are enabling her. You need to toughen up.

Spot on. I done computing when the first ones hit offices back in the 80’s and have always kept up to date with technology. My children still call me and ask me technical questions and they’re from 22-32. My youngest says my generation should understand it more because we created it and it’s so true

Why would she learn when she’s got you? You need to learn to say no. And yes I would refuse to do it - she’s got the opportunity to learn and the capacity, she just CBA because she has you! Stop doing it.

Well if you've shown her how to do it and she's still bashing it, she's doing it on purpose to dumb herself down.

start saying no and you'll see a change.

Wow she’s not too old for tech. My stepdad is 72 and there’s nothing he can’t do. Happy to WhatsApp, online banking, order a food shop, make a PowerPoint, use excel….