Complete refusal to use technology

[Senttotestus]

My mum is 79 & a completely technophobic
In her mid 50s she resigned from her job as a Drs receptionist because they introduced computers. She worked for a few more years on a helpline then retired at 60
She has never sent a text message or WhatsApp
She has never sent an email
She cannot google anything
She has never purchased or booked anything online

A man from a tech charity for the elderly spent 2 sessions with her with no improvement

Over covid I told her she must learn to FaceTime & she has £1k worth of iPad for this purpose, she can also log onto her Halifax app to look at her balance - she cannot make any payments.

i do all her online banking, food shopping &
booking of appointments, she eagerly gives out my email address as if I am her PA

She has just rung to see where her Waitrose delivery is & she was unable to open the Waitrose app on her iPad - ITS 3 CLICKS - she presses everything with such force that most times the IPad thinks she is trying to move the apps around

I am accepting of this most days but today it just feels wilful that she has rejected all technology for over 20 years and thinks it’s acceptable to shrug and get me to do everything , laughing at any suggestion that she should be able to do some of these very basic things.

Rant over - deep breaths!! Anyone else in a similar position?

@Connectionsconundrum my father in law the same at coming up 86. I WhatsApp him
most days -

When I worked in a library over 10 years ago it wasn’t at all uncommon for even people good deal younger than I was (I was 50s) to come in and need help with setting up an email a/c, usually needed for applying for a job. I was often startled that they’d got to e.g. early 40s still completely tech-less.
Some took to it, others were clueless, and needed far more time than I could usually give.

OTOH one day an old bloke, must have been 80, came in with a newspaper article that had interested him. It contained website addresses for further info, so he wanted to access them.
He’d never so much as touched a computer before. I spent a few minutes showing him the basics - how to click on something, go back,,etc..
He took to it immediately, went out saying how wonderful it was - he was going to buy a computer PDQ!

@Senttotestus I had to return to your thread today as I’m so annoyed with my Dad! I bought him a new phone earlier this year, have kept it topped up with credit on it as I knew that he wouldn’t use it enough to justify a plan.

He’s currently in hospital and guess what, he deliberately hasn’t brought his phone with him. Grrr, this is exactly why he has the bloomin’ phone, so that we can always contact him. He says that it wasn’t charged so he didn’t bother bringing it. He’s going to be fine but everyone would still like to keep in touch with him, find out what’s going on-and now we have to call the ward and bother the nurses. 😡

It’s like your Mum with her iPad, it’s just a waste of money!

The people designing ticketless tech have probably never schlepped small children or any of their gear aboard a train.

That would be the rational response, but DM can't stand having more than a few days' worth of food in the house. Large quantities frighten her and make her uncomfortable.

She complained endlessly to me about 'huge' blocks of cheese that Dsis ordered for her during covid even though I pointed out that she could cut it into blocks that would last a week each and freeze them. I think it's the thought of eating those quantities of food, even over the course of a few weeks, that makes her so horrified, and so keen on small packets. She was brought up at a time when 'ladies made a point of having 'dainty appetites'.

@mathanxiety My Granny claimed that she ate like a bird. My Mum described her appetite as “a large, carnivorous bird.”

🤣

My dad is 80 and loves all his tech. He sends me voice memos on WhatsApp, frequently shares YouTube links, uses Alexa, a Ring doorbell and I’ve recently got him started on ChatGPT. Anything he doesn’t know how to do, he asks Chat. The only thing he struggles with is ordering things online with new providers - putting his card details in with poor eyesight is tough. He’s probably unusual for his age but he’s always been very curious about new things and tech makes his life easier so he embraces it fully.

As for your mum, at her age, I’d just suck it up. Sounds like you have a good relationship and it’s not worth falling out over. As for the PP who suggested you just not buy her any food ‘until she learns’ - that’s just peak crazy MN.

Attitudes to food are so complicated and very personal. My Mum was not brought up to believe that women should eat far less than men, fortunately, but she does have what seem to me some odd atittudes around how much food should be in the house at any given time (she would undoubtedly say the same about me!).

She doesn't seem to worry about having her staple dried and tinned foods in the cupboard - one packet or jar in use, one in reserve - because I think that's probably how her mother approached food stocks, so it feels safe and normal.

However, Mum had to decide for herself, probably with much anxious consultation with my Dad, how much to have in the fridge and freezer at any one time, as she didn't grow up with those, and I've only realised since Dad died that she becomes very uncomfortable with leftovers for which she doesn't have a clear plan. This is strange to me as I love leftovers and see them as a challenge and an opportunity, but this makes Mum anxious.

She doesn't want to waste food (neither do I) but unlike me she doesn't get any pleasure out of changing her plans to incorporate unexpected leftovers - not even to the extent of freezing them for another day. She has very, very fixed habits around what she eats for breakfast, lunch and evening meal, and wouldn't contemplate having something left over from the previous day's evening meal at lunchtime - what would happen to that day's cup a soup and Warburton's roll (both of which are so full of preservatives they'd survive a nuclear holocaust unchanged)? Sigh.

Absolutely. The first signs of dementia in my lovely great-aunt were when she started repetitively buying food, though she had a fridge, freezer and cupboards stuffed full. Speaking to her about it, I found out she'd lived an incredibly traumatic childhood, where her father had denied her mother "housekeeping", and so her and her mum had starved while he'd spent the family money down the pub. I had no idea, until the beginning of her illness, when her fear of being without food resurfaced as this kind of "compulsion".

Food is one of those extremely complex and emotive issues.

@roundaboutthehillsareshining yep foods a funny one . My H had a period of life for quite a few years in his 20s where he struggled a lot and didn’t have the money for much food of quality - consequently he still gets a buzz from a fridge full of ‘nice stuff’ even in his early 60s

I think my mum's childhood affects her attitude to electricity. She has solar panels so there is an immersion heater in a timer from 10-3 to make use of them for hot water but she insists on turning them off because a ready supply of hot water is a waste and there's a kettle in the kitchen. Even when dad had carers 4 X a day and daily district nurse visits during covid she wouldn't entertain hot water coming from the tap for hand washing.

My mum is like this too. She is 80 and worked as a teacher in early years. During the 1980s and 1990s when computers were taking off, these were not being used in schools with 5 year olds. She took early retirement in around 2000, when IT in schools was starting to take off and it scared her.

When I was a child she refused to use a cash machine and would go into the bank and write a cheque for cash instead.

She has never sent an email. Never googled anything. My dad before he got dementia was pretty open to learning new technology - he had a facebook account, sent emails, booked his golf online, researched flights and booked holidays online. She does not have a smartphone, the dumb mobile she has is switched off and kept in the drawer for "emergencies". She has one of our old ipads which she refuses to use apart from looking at imessages when someone sends her photos.

She sees herself as a bit superior to all the internet stuff. SHE has books, television and radio, the internet is addictive, vacuous and full of pornography anyway. It is only for dim/boring people, apparently. Definitely nothing on there to interest her.

On a day to day basis she manages fine with paying her car tax at the post office, and all the bills are on direct debit. She doesn't online shop (obviously) and can get herself to the supermarket. There are increasingly things she can't do though - she is paying more for her shopping at Lidl for example as there is no way of having a physical Lidl Plus card, it has to be through the app.

In her case it's not a "can't" as she is an intelligent woman who absolutely could learn if she wanted to. She just won't.