Complete refusal to use technology

[Senttotestus]

My mum is 79 & a completely technophobic
In her mid 50s she resigned from her job as a Drs receptionist because they introduced computers. She worked for a few more years on a helpline then retired at 60
She has never sent a text message or WhatsApp
She has never sent an email
She cannot google anything
She has never purchased or booked anything online

A man from a tech charity for the elderly spent 2 sessions with her with no improvement

Over covid I told her she must learn to FaceTime & she has £1k worth of iPad for this purpose, she can also log onto her Halifax app to look at her balance - she cannot make any payments.

i do all her online banking, food shopping &
booking of appointments, she eagerly gives out my email address as if I am her PA

She has just rung to see where her Waitrose delivery is & she was unable to open the Waitrose app on her iPad - ITS 3 CLICKS - she presses everything with such force that most times the IPad thinks she is trying to move the apps around

I am accepting of this most days but today it just feels wilful that she has rejected all technology for over 20 years and thinks it’s acceptable to shrug and get me to do everything , laughing at any suggestion that she should be able to do some of these very basic things.

Rant over - deep breaths!! Anyone else in a similar position?

I am sorry but I agree. I am 67, and my long dead father (also disabled, as am I) could manage email / the internet/google etc. And that was when it wasn't as straightforward as many things now are. I would pare back the "enabling" to one weekly food shop, and beyond that she either learns or she finds another way of making her arrangements.

My mum retired early because she said the computer system at her work was too complicated.

A stylus is what she needs so she doesn’t press so hard on the icons.

Dm had a tendency to do this and refused to swap her burner phone for a smartphone. Then she went into hospital and saw ladies of 90+ clicking away on smartphones and cgdd as need her mind. She’s no technical whizz but she can at least order a prescription and use WhatsApp

My mum was ok using the internet to google things and read about things that interested her until she developed dementia, but she was never able to use a mobile phone. As she quite rightly said, why did she need one when she had a landline? I have a couple of friends who use very very little technology and manage fine - one friend has never used a debit card and it’s not a problem for her.

My mum just didn’t want to use a mobile phone and didn’t want to do banking etc online or order groceries. The amount of time it took me to help her to do things online that most people do without a second thought was negligible, and it took ten minutes a week to do her an online Tesco order during the pandemic. If I was seeing her a couple of times a week, it wasn’t a problem to take her to her bank or to the supermarket. I really think it’s unreasonable to expect everyone to embrace technology when it’s not essential.

My M is very similar. Wouldn’t even learn to ise the Video in the 80s. She can just about answer a FaceTime call on my DF’s old iPad but that’s about it and that has taken a lot of patience.

We have other family members though a fair but older than your DM who are very happily using iPhones and very independent.

I wouldn't refuse, but I'd show her once, write the instructions down for her, possibly with screenshots, and tell her I won't always be available so she needs to learn. My grandad died a couple of years ago at 88 but prior to his death he could send emails, was an active user of hobby forums, did online shopping etc - age is not a limiting factor, she's just leaning into intentional helplessness because she wants to be looked after. Which would be fine if you wanted to, but you don't. Your problem is not that she can't, but that she's refusing - which is a choice, and not one you have to (or should) keep facilitating.

My mum also retired young due to technology. She insists she can't use the pod coffee machine I bought them. It's one button, one! Learned helplessness and my dad enables it. We are polar opposites and she drives me insane.

I wonder if it is fear of the unknown i am dubious about AI and chatbots maybe i am getting to "that age" where i am confused, like "our parents" generation are unsure of online stuff.

This thread has really resonated….my mil still goes to the council offices once a month to pay her council tax in cash.

She stopped going on foreign holidays when her local travel agents closed as it meant she couldn’t ‘go in’ and book.

Chip and pin, or even worse, just tapping or using Apple Pay, would be akin to witchcraft for her…

And don’t get me started in Amazon….she wouldn’t even entertain the notion of ordering something online.

Its infuriating. OP I sympathise.

It’s a good point that doing her online shop only takes 10 mins of my week but I already do all her laundry, work full time and have 2 teenagers - proper sandwich generation stuff

I will see if she can attempt the next shop herself - can’t quite get my head around providing printed instructions although perhaps that could be a teenagers summer task!

My cousin once bought his late 70s mum a basic, very easy to use, mobile phone to take when doing her daily walk in a rural area with her older friend. She took it but repeated failed attempts to contact her on it revealed she kept it switched off as she didn't want to "waste the battery"? She then lost it. I don't think she was keen on it from the beginning tbh.
My Dad was the opposite. He always embraced new technology.

Word of warning. DM won’t give up on tech. I spend significant amounts of time undoing what she’s done. Processing returns of online shopping, talking her through buying a photo from a newspaper, talking her through stuff…

FML. Two hours spent talking her through turning up the brightness of the screen after it ‘all went black’.

Always it’s the tech at fault, never the user.

So be careful what you wish for.

My mum is late 70s and no problem with WhatsApp etc

As your mum has an iPad, have you tried seeing if Siri helps? Siri probably doesn’t do a whole Ocado shop but she’d send a message or find an app.

I think that the stubbornness not to learn is to keep you in her life. I’m at an age where my kids have had to learn adult skills and have been sometimes reluctant to know because it’s nice having it done for you.

Does she wear glasses? Her prescription might need updating. I think some people are put off using tech because they try to do it on a screen that is too small for their needs.

My mum pays her council tax in cash she takes money out of the bank and pays it in the post office, she says it helps her keep track of her money, it seems a faff but it doesn' t really affect me yet, i am just wondering what will happen when/if she can't manage, her husband is totally useless and my mum does everything money related.

My mum is a bit like this but she is not even 60!
She is ok with whatsapp and simple google browsing, but will refuse to do any online banking, or even using a debit card.
She is very stubborn and entitled, “it is my right to be able to do this in person” type of attitude, and thinks we are mugs because we comply with the system like sheep.
She then gets anxious when there is some admin she can only do online and my sister, who lives nearby, is not available to help.

Sorry about the long rant! (I should really be in the stately homes thread!)

My mother would be 90 if she were still alive and not only took herself off on computer courses, but became the go-to person for her technophobic friends.

I would totally deploy the teenagers for this.
They could even use AI to do it, and print it off. A bit of pocket money for their trouble, perhaps.

I think your parents are being very inconsiderate expecting you to be their PA rather than trying to learn some basic IT skills. They could easily have done this years ago.

Your mum really should have taken the opportunity to learn basic skills when she was working at fifty. What will she do if your dad dies first? I bet most of their friends are IT literate!

I organise a coffee morning for my over 70’s ladies here in Ireland and most of them are widowed but they’re all very tech savvy. Several of them are mid 80’s and most of them still drive.

Only a couple of them worked with computers before they retired and the rest had no IT experience via work. They have put effort into learning by taking local classes. (mostly free)

They now do their own online banking, shopping and book holidays abroad etc. I still help them out if their device goes haywire but otherwise, they’re determined to make the most of every opportunity.

Oh no @Kelticgold I am probably near your mums age that sounds infuriatung !

Yes, I think this is just stupid. I work in a supermarket and we have many, many elderly people who use apps, pay by phone, look up their vouchers, collect parcels using their phones etc, with minimal problems. There is no reason why anyone who can use a normal landline telephone cannot transfer simple skills to use a computer or phone. They just have a mental block to actually doing it and are doing themselves no favours.

I would refuse to do as much as you're doing. She needs her own email address, WhatsApp and some simple daily tasks to do. Writing down the steps may help? But it's woeful to do nothing and expect you to do everything.

Id refuse to do it for her. She wants the benefits of technology without using it. If you dont do it she'll have to learn.

Yes.
I deeply feel your pain.
My narcissistic mother (in another country), 80, had been basically wallowing around for 17 years, since my father died.
She wouldn't use ANY technology, screams and mocks her peers using touch screens, but would like daily international phone calls.
I'm very low contact anyway, for the purpose of inheritance.

I don't know if it's everywhere but I am registered as a carer, I don't go to the coffee mornings but it does mean I have a back up plan with them. It might be reassuring for you if something similar is available for you.