Complete refusal to use technology

[Senttotestus]

My mum is 79 & a completely technophobic
In her mid 50s she resigned from her job as a Drs receptionist because they introduced computers. She worked for a few more years on a helpline then retired at 60
She has never sent a text message or WhatsApp
She has never sent an email
She cannot google anything
She has never purchased or booked anything online

A man from a tech charity for the elderly spent 2 sessions with her with no improvement

Over covid I told her she must learn to FaceTime & she has £1k worth of iPad for this purpose, she can also log onto her Halifax app to look at her balance - she cannot make any payments.

i do all her online banking, food shopping &
booking of appointments, she eagerly gives out my email address as if I am her PA

She has just rung to see where her Waitrose delivery is & she was unable to open the Waitrose app on her iPad - ITS 3 CLICKS - she presses everything with such force that most times the IPad thinks she is trying to move the apps around

I am accepting of this most days but today it just feels wilful that she has rejected all technology for over 20 years and thinks it’s acceptable to shrug and get me to do everything , laughing at any suggestion that she should be able to do some of these very basic things.

Rant over - deep breaths!! Anyone else in a similar position?

Also my grandma was 80 (died 6 years ago or so) and could use WhatsApp!!!!!! Okay so she couldn’t do a supermarket shop online but she gave a tech a bloody good go

What does she say when you tell her not to bash it so hard? Can she use a microwave, remote control, push button doors?

My mum is 92 and she is definitely not going to learn to do anything technical she couldn't do a few years ago when my Dad was there to show her how. My brother and I have had to accept this. In her case a lot of it is due to severe chronic anxiety as well as a lack of aptitude and application. She manages perfectly well to use the television and the washing machine, and has learned how to use her ipad to play Wordle. She has a little scrap of paper stored with her very basic mobile reminding her how to open, read and delete a text. She's never sent a text in her life. She might have sent an email a few times, but not recently. She wouldn't have a clue how to do online banking and lives in fear of it anyway. I think it's safest that she keeps well away from all of that so I do it for her. I do her online food shop as she wouldn't manage that in a million years and she is more or less housebound now.

It is frustrating. The rest of us in the family use WhatsApp all the time and so often I'd like to drop her a line or send her a picture, but I can't.

However, the difference between my Mum and some of the people mentioned here is that she never had to learn to use IT at work. She retired from teaching nearly 40 years ago. My Dad carried on working till he was 65 and did have to become computer literate, to an extent, and he enjoyed it and carried on using a desktop PC for emails, basic word processing, online banking and internet searches. He was slow but he wasn't terrified of blowing the PC up, unlike my Mum!

We had similar with MIL about 15 years ago. She was 100% capable of using an electric typewriter, but could NOT learn how to do an email. Various members of the family talked her through it, wrote her detailed instructions, went and did it again... and again... and again.

My aunt, now into her 90s, flatly refused to ever use so much as a mobile phone - I think she thought she'd be dead before she 'needed' one. But if she'd kept up with things like iPads, she'd be able to FaceTime the younger members of the family, which she would massively enjoy.

It's made DH and I vow to keep up. Which will be my excuse when the afternoon comes that I waste 3 hours getting to grips with AI so that I can post a cute image on MN....

It’s the stubbornness and refusal to learn that annoys me. You have to move with the times. I’m mid 50’s and I know a few people of my age that are completely useless with internet and technology. God knows what they were doing 30 years ago when they were in their 20’s if they managed to miss all the new tech around

< hollow laugh> DH 74 is like this. Can fb scroll and hit 'like' but that's it. DD set up his FB with the hope he'd try, no, didn't happen.
I do all household admin. I gave up years ago trying to get him to do any of it. I know its taken care of but I will only do stuff that effects me.
If the kids want to speak they have to ring him..they usually message me instead.
That said, he's never written a letter, left a note or any other written communication. His writing and spelling are poor although he can read reasonably. He got put off learning properly by adult education teachers being patronising and refused after that.
He was a product of 50s/60s care system.
I refused/ refuse to do the communication with his 'family', when his 'mother' was alive she got shitty because I wouldn't write, she got very short shrift as he was in care because of her neglect!
My point op is either draw a line on what you will do or drop the rope on it.

If you weren’t around what would need to happen? Surely she would have carers to do her shopping etc?

I agree with others that you need to step back. It’s fine for her to stubbornly refuse to engage with the digital world but then she also has to deal with the consequences of not doing so. I feel for you, because it’s going to be painful!

I’m in exactly the same boat as you including bashing the tablet like it’s a typewriter and then “it doesn’t work”

Oh it is hard. Dp’s mum is thank goodness extremely determined to stay independent and that includes using a lot of tech. It’s not easy for her due to Parkinson’s but she does it.

Charitably you could interpret the laughing as embarrassment if it helps defuse the situation a bit?

I just wonder if getting her to use a stylus might reduce the bashing.

If she has a spare room maybe look into Homeshare? Someone who is around for ten hours a week could mostly be doing tech stuff! Agreed though at getting organisations to list her as not having an email.

She is old. Some people get old quicker than others. Her eyesight, manual dexterity and ability to concentrate are probably poor. She is anxious and can't take in new things. This is how some people age. She might be struggling more than you realise, older people do have a tendency to "cover up" and pretend they are managing better than they are. I don't think you can do much. Protect your own sanity by accepting she can't cope with technology, its not really her fault and set your boundaries so you only do as much as you can stand.

Thank you for all your replies it is really really helpful to hear of others experiences

Yes! BUT even worse, because my mum is only 54. Completely scared of tech. Has switched to Nationwide for banking so she can go into a branch and a call a local team. I rarely do things for her though, only on occasion.

I do secretly believe she has an undiagnosed learning disability though - she struggles with things like this regardless of how many times she’s shown.

That's really not surprising at all. 72 is no age. My husband is 70 and used to run the IT at the place he worked. He can do anything and enjoys learning how to do new things when he gets a new device. Lot of people his age and older were using IT before many MN users were even born and are totally comfortable with it..

Unfortunately some people that age or even younger have done their level best to avoid keeping up with what has become normal for most of us, and it's going to be a big problem for them (and their nearest and dearest) as it becomes expected that everybody has a smartphone and knows how to use it.

My mother is 86, in a nursing home and still manages to buy things online, search up stuff and WhatsApp the family. Until a year ago she was organising online food deliveries. She is an inspiration!

I'd recommend talking to your mother about paying someone to do her shopping and other basic stuff if she won't learn. You really need to look after yourself, and as she becomes increasingly disabled or frail, this is not going to get any easier!

She's refusing to learn because she knows you'll do it instead. She'll figure it out if you step back.

That's sad. Does she understand that high street branches are not likely to survive for much longer? My Mum's bank branch closed because hardly anyone under the age of 70 went in there any more. If she hadn't had power of attorney drawn up so that I could do online banking for her, she'd have been in real difficulties after that. On the odd occasion I have to ring the bank it takes absolutely ages. Mum is so deaf that phone conversations are no good for her.

Fair enough that you want to make sure your DM has food in the house, but have you thought of not answering the phone if she rings you when an order is expected? Or fail to reply immediately to emails she's arranged to go to you, so that she doesn't get whatever it is sorted as quickly as she'd like.
Let a few small inconveniences to her build up and she might start to see the point of learning herself, or at least make a habit of telling people she has no email or internet access.

I did think that mums complete lack of attention and concentration when it comes to anything technical (because she is not interested) could a form of ND - could also just be her being a total pain in the arse 🤣

This blows my mind that you know people in their 50s who won’t use the internet.

Someone born in 1971 (i.e. 54 this year) could have started working in the late 1980s when there would be very little IT in most people's working lives, but that wouldn't have lasted long.

I'm nearly 60 and didn't get the opportunity to use computers in school, but as soon as I was made redundant from a factory job in my mid 30s, me & DH were in a free computer evening class, and I've never looked back. I can do everything I need to online, and taught myself to use Photoshop which I use in my work. I never had the confidence ( or encouragement from parents) to learn new things, but i was determined to do it. I know there are women my age & younger who refused to learn or show any interest. I can't understand it. It's the future. My dad is 92 and has a computer, although he doesn't do anything online, just does word processing on it. There's no excuse really, with so many resources for older people to learn.

My parents are mid 70s they don't have mobile phones , no internet sky tv and watch morning television so think everybody is getting scammed on the internet ! I don't think you can force technology on them but you have to let them get on with life.

I feel your pain. My dad is in his 80s and will not get the internet. I keep telling him he's going to have to for the phone switchover but he's very cross about that happening so refuses to discuss getting broadband. Luckily, he's very fit and active still so does all his own bills, shopping etc, but as he gets older this may not continue to be the case.

No I wouldn't refuse.