What to do - driving

[drivingmetomywitsend]

My dad is 81, and lives with my mum who is the same age. They manage at home without any outside support, apart from me. Dad has been having episodes of dizziness/collapse for some time now, which have resulted in several hospital admissions while they try to get to the cause of it. He’s currently waiting for an appointment with the heart failure consultant. He also has worsening memory problems.

His last episode was on Monday night, and on Tuesday the doctor we saw said in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t to drive unless they told him he could. Mum can drive but hasn’t done for some time, and has lost her confidence. We’ve discussed her having a refresher lesson or two but she wasn’t enthusiastic.

Today dad had an appointment with his GP, which is only about 1/4 mile away, at the top of the road, but he insisted on driving as it wasn’t far….

I’ve pointed out that he is driving illegally and uninsured but they both brushed it off (“But it wasn’t far!”)

I suggested that mum tries a short trip tomorrow but I suspect that she won’t, and may even just tell me she has to shut me up. I am happy to take them to hospital appointments, as parking is also a nightmare there, but I am reluctant to become their default to drive up the road or to the local supermarket - they can easily afford taxis btw. I live 20 minutes drive away, and once I’m over there tend to get sucked into helping them with other stuff, so it’d be a chunk of my day.

What do I do? The doctor said to inform the DVLA, I thought that was unnecessary since he wouldn’t be driving, but now I wish I had at the time. If I tell them now would it look like the doctor had told them? I’m not convinced it would stop him driving anyway, and I really don’t want him to cause an accident.

It's understandable that you feel bad about it, @Beautifulcreatures2 but you have to think of yourself as taking on a parenting role at this stage, in some respects - you're keeping her and other people safe and helping her to navigate this more vulnerable time of her life. You've done the right thing.

I found the loaded gun example someone used earlier helpful. You (hopefully!) wouldn’t let your parent wander around with a loaded gun if they weren’t capable. A car can do just as much damage.

It’s only because cars are such a normal part of life whereas guns (in the U.K.) aren’t.

Insurance won’t pay out for own costs but will pay out for TP costs. Uninsured drivers cost each of us insured drivers about £35 per year. The MIB (Motor Insurance Bureau) is there in case someone is uninsured and you are the third party.

I have reported dad, and won’t be taking the keys away. Mum is insured to drive and at present seems capable now she’s actually got behind the wheel - she was just nervous because she hadn’t driven for a while.

I’m monitoring the situation and mum won’t be driving anywhere she’s not very familiar with. I’m stepping up even more in terms of medical appointments, not least because they both forget what has been said….

I now have written authority from them to talk to their GP practice, and they have my number to arrange appointments etc.

Progress is being made, but dad is understandably upset and depressed by the situation. Hopefully we’ll get to a better place soon.

Doesn't matter if she lives 20 seconds away, she's not obliged to drive them everywhere when they can get a taxi.

You've said your bit. If your dad has capacity then it's really up to him to act on this, not you. Unwise or not, he is an adult it's his choice how he moves forward, and you don't get to decide.

What are the DVLA likely to do after someone is reported anonymously?

Investigate. From experience as long as you don’t put Mickey Mouse as your name they do take it seriously

in the evidence/comments box I put I was a concerned neighbour then went on to describe the incidents that caused me concern

I’ve had an email back from them asking for the same details I have already given, including the licence number which I don’t know. So I don’t think it’s going anywhere.

It sounds like they can't marry up the information you gave to the driving licence records.

Is it possible there were typos or that someone uses an alternative name on official documents, or hasn't updated their licence to their current address etc? Ie my FIL goes by his middle name which you'd only know is not his forename if you're close to him.

Give them the registration plate of the car(s) as well, it'll help them tie it up.