What to do - driving

[drivingmetomywitsend]

My dad is 81, and lives with my mum who is the same age. They manage at home without any outside support, apart from me. Dad has been having episodes of dizziness/collapse for some time now, which have resulted in several hospital admissions while they try to get to the cause of it. He’s currently waiting for an appointment with the heart failure consultant. He also has worsening memory problems.

His last episode was on Monday night, and on Tuesday the doctor we saw said in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t to drive unless they told him he could. Mum can drive but hasn’t done for some time, and has lost her confidence. We’ve discussed her having a refresher lesson or two but she wasn’t enthusiastic.

Today dad had an appointment with his GP, which is only about 1/4 mile away, at the top of the road, but he insisted on driving as it wasn’t far….

I’ve pointed out that he is driving illegally and uninsured but they both brushed it off (“But it wasn’t far!”)

I suggested that mum tries a short trip tomorrow but I suspect that she won’t, and may even just tell me she has to shut me up. I am happy to take them to hospital appointments, as parking is also a nightmare there, but I am reluctant to become their default to drive up the road or to the local supermarket - they can easily afford taxis btw. I live 20 minutes drive away, and once I’m over there tend to get sucked into helping them with other stuff, so it’d be a chunk of my day.

What do I do? The doctor said to inform the DVLA, I thought that was unnecessary since he wouldn’t be driving, but now I wish I had at the time. If I tell them now would it look like the doctor had told them? I’m not convinced it would stop him driving anyway, and I really don’t want him to cause an accident.

We disengaged the battery on my dad's car. He couldn't start it. We said we would call a mechanic. I called a friend (knew nothing about cars!), he came round and said to my father it was a write off and couldn't be repaired. And that was it, we sold the car and my dad never mentioned it again!

Just a word of warning to all - I reported my 80yo neighbour twice in a year for driving on the wrong side of the road. It took them 18 mths to ask her to have a sight test which she passed....

Apparently she now needs to have a medical but no sign of a driving test. Her car is banged up with huge numbers of marks and scratches - I get told about how it's all other people's fault for parking out in the road etc....

And they only asked her to stop driving while these tests happen, it's can't be enforced. Fortunately she has but she cries to us all about how someone was so cruel to report her. It wasn't just me either, several neighbours did it.

My aunt was diagnosed with macular degeneration and was told she mustn’t drive. Her exact words to me were, “ that’s just silly, ok I can’t read number plates but I can see another car coming “ . I was her next of kin and took the keys at first then gave the car to a neighbour who in return for a free car would take her shopping and to medical appointments.
I also watched the cause of death programme mentioned above and one driver who had been told years before that he couldn’t drive, could only actually see clearly 5 cms in front of his face. It was a sobering watch.

@DemonsandMosquitoes I'm sorry. 💐

I think this is what I’m going to have to do. I can’t hide the keys though, they keep them in the safe at home, and I don’t have a key to that. There are two cars, just to add to the problem….

I know it’s not ideal, but mum's going to have a go at driving to the supermarket this afternoon to see how she gets on. I won’t be surprised to hear that dad drove back though. I’m busy today, so can’t go over to supervise.

Mum rang last night to say that dad was having another funny turn, I said what if that had happened whilst he was driving, she just said don’t start that again. I had a friend here (we were having a much needed drink) and she was shocked by her tone/manner. In the end dad went to bed and seems no worse for it today, although he was still very defensive when I tried to talk to him just now.

Meanwhile I hardly slept last night for worrying….

Because its not far... I had this with both sets of parents when discussing various issues they had.

In their heads it isnt far so they will do it!

If taxis arent an issue that is the solution but these foolish people dont listen. Its either their way or the high way - until something happens and then you are battered to sort it out because they cant.

Totally understand regarding your fear that you dont want to be a default driver (you will!). That way they dont have to bother with taxis.Quite honestly this care creeps up on you. You visit for potentially an hour and arrive to find a list of things they want you to sort out.

You need to report to DVLA (the letter they send is anonymous, I reported my mum)

And if they continue to drive, phone the police and tell them they're driving uninsured against doctor's advice.

I know it sounds harsh but people's safety is most important here.

Right, I’ve filled in the DVLA form, with the info from his discharge letter - hopefully they’ll assume that the hospital doctor did it.

I've spoken to their GP surgery, to ask if they could invite him in for a chat following his hospital visit, but because I haven’t got signed consent to discuss they can’t do anything. I said I didn’t want them to tell me anything, just to arrange an appointment, but it wasn’t possible. So now I need to get written consent without making it obvious that I want the GP to talk to him. Fun times.

In the meantime I keep on at them. And hope to get through.

So glad it’s not just me. Well, I’m not because it means there are more dangerous drivers out there, but
you know what I mean!

Its very very common for your time to be stolen - my late Mum would call me about something. As she had moved much closer to me I would talk through and say I would pop in after work.

On arriving I would be bombarded with jobs. Even as I was walking out the door it would be 'while you are here' or 'just in case I forget'. In the end I had to get really firm. There are other people who we can pay to do these things (but I would need to organise of course!) and Mum ended up being OK with it but after a while it was clear even with all my support she wasnt safe in her own place. I couldnt trust her to not do something daft.

She fell a few times and was carted off to hospital where she often stayed for 1-2 weeks. It took a great toll on her health and she eventually moved into a care home where she died not long after.

The elderly parents are massive time stealers and I found myself thinking with regard to holidays maybe I wouldnt go too far in case I needed to come back quickly. I then had a stern word with myself but siblings were hopeless (and living abroad). One of them thought it was useful to give out helpful info which involved me doing even more until I firmly told her I didnt have time for that and if she thought it was such a great idea come over to the UK and bloody well sort this out yourself.

It might not be the best way but I filled in the voluntary surrender of driving licence on DM’s behalf. She decided that the doctor who told her to stop driving must have ‘told on her’

we got in touch with the local volunteer action group who providdd a taxi service. All good really

Well mum has managed to drive to the supermarket and back - dad had to put the car back on the drive but I don’t think he could hurt anyone else doing that - so hopefully things will settle down.

He’s still insistent that this is only temporary, but hopefully he’ll get used to it.

Now we need to get rid of his large Volvo that mum would never drive, not sure how to go about that, it’s about 20 years old so I don’t suppose it’s worth anything. But if that goes off the drive mum should be able to get her car up there.

Fun times! Just waiting for the next crisis…

That was frightening!

My mum thought she would be able to drive once she recovered from her knee op. (She was over 80). I pointed out that her reaction times were terrible and she shouldn't be driving, she disagreed.

I'm glad I took her keys off her and eventually sold the car, she was in no fit state to drive. She ended up agreeing with me, but it was difficult for hile. I just kept reminding her how she would have felt if she'd caused an accident or god forbid killed someone.

I hate that I had to do it, but I know it was the right thing to do.

You may be surprised about the Volvo. Assuming it has reasonably low mileage and is in good condition, you should get several hundred on We Buy Any Car. Just send them the reg and they'll send a quote by text. A young male colleague of mine drives a large, old Volvo because the insurance is cheap!

Do it.

what if he has an accident? Kill someone? Kill your mom? Just do it.

I’ll try them, thanks.

Use taxis. This will probably be as cheap if not cheaper than paying car insurance for over 80, MOT (if needed) , servicing and general maintenance such as tyres etc plus petrol. Do a bit of maths to convince them to change and get an account with a local taxi firm.

It's not the money, they have plenty. It’s the convenience - they don’t want to wait for a taxi to get home from places, they’ve always driven everywhere, public transport has never been an option, with only the very occasional taxi to get home from an evening with friends or relations.

I think mum is starting to come round to the idea, if she can manage to drive to the doctors and the supermarket they should be okay most of the time, and I will get them sorted with a taxi firm for if I can’t take them anywhere else.

Dad just needs to get used to the idea of not being able to drive - he’s driven since he was 17, and drove for a living for some years, so it’s a big change for him, and he’s not used to not getting his own way about something. The next few weeks could be tedious.

He has pretty much given up driving any distance in the last year or so though, so hopefully he’ll accept this eventually. He just needs to realise that I’m not going to come running every time he wants to go anywhere. In fact they both do. I don’t mind if it’s useful for me to be there (medical appointments mostly) but shopping and routine medicals they’re on their own.

Our neighbour was like your dad. Her nephew got the local (and very lovely) garage mechanic to come up and disable the car.....

Can’t they have their weekly shop delivered?

You need to look at it from the other side...I fully appreciate that your dad won't willingly stop driving but IF he had an accident, and God forbid killed or seriously injured someone, how would you feel then knowing you COULD have stopped it? Him not being insured could mean a lifetime of misery for the person/people affected. They might not get vital specialist physio care, their mortgage paid if they can't work, a dreadful change in their circumstances because of your father. It's not worth it,you MUST take his keys away and tell him you'll report him if he refuses.
This comes from someone who lost her husband through a negligent older person's driving but thankfully they were still insured or I'd have lost everything as I couldn't have afforded the mortgage on my own salary. You need to do the right thing.

You might be surprised by the value of the car. I drive a similar one but older than that and the value had actually increased in the last year when I came to renew the insurance!

Oh, I’ve suggested that! But mum likes to choose her food, and it gets them out of the house - they know a lot of the staff in their local Tesco and like to see them….

Believe me, I’ve been trying to make their lives easier for years, but it isn’t working.

The thing is that I actually can’t stop him if he’s determined - the car keys are locked away in the safe, to which I don’t have a key, and I can't be there to supervise all the time. I’ve repeated all the arguments till I’m blue in the face, but a combination of his general stubbornness and recent cognitive problems just means I’m not getting through.

I have reported him to the DVLA today, so hopefully he’ll hear from them soon. At which point I say that it must have been the doctor he saw at the hospital who reported him.

Thankfully mum has managed to drive today, and hopefully will going forward, so fingers crossed it’ll sort itself out.

You say you can’t stop them but have you actually said “Enough Dad, open the safe and give me the keys. You’ve been told not to drive and you could kill an innocent person.”

I know they’re your parents but you have to been cruel to be kind here.

It’s not just his safety he’s putting at risk.