What to do - driving

[drivingmetomywitsend]

My dad is 81, and lives with my mum who is the same age. They manage at home without any outside support, apart from me. Dad has been having episodes of dizziness/collapse for some time now, which have resulted in several hospital admissions while they try to get to the cause of it. He’s currently waiting for an appointment with the heart failure consultant. He also has worsening memory problems.

His last episode was on Monday night, and on Tuesday the doctor we saw said in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t to drive unless they told him he could. Mum can drive but hasn’t done for some time, and has lost her confidence. We’ve discussed her having a refresher lesson or two but she wasn’t enthusiastic.

Today dad had an appointment with his GP, which is only about 1/4 mile away, at the top of the road, but he insisted on driving as it wasn’t far….

I’ve pointed out that he is driving illegally and uninsured but they both brushed it off (“But it wasn’t far!”)

I suggested that mum tries a short trip tomorrow but I suspect that she won’t, and may even just tell me she has to shut me up. I am happy to take them to hospital appointments, as parking is also a nightmare there, but I am reluctant to become their default to drive up the road or to the local supermarket - they can easily afford taxis btw. I live 20 minutes drive away, and once I’m over there tend to get sucked into helping them with other stuff, so it’d be a chunk of my day.

What do I do? The doctor said to inform the DVLA, I thought that was unnecessary since he wouldn’t be driving, but now I wish I had at the time. If I tell them now would it look like the doctor had told them? I’m not convinced it would stop him driving anyway, and I really don’t want him to cause an accident.

Hardly a bitchy comment. I do understand. That’s why I’m writing

Op lives 20 minutes away? Gosh you all seem to lack empathy. I’m stunned.

You clearly need to up your communication skills then as several people took it that way

Right, so that’s a 40 min round trip minimum if the traffic is good, plus the time to get them organised and out of the house (in my experience half an hour minimum, usually more), then drive them to the supermarket, appointment, lunch club, whatever then wait whilst they do whatever it is because it’s never enough time to go back home or to work or you can’t leave them. So maybe another couple of hours. Longer if it’s the hospital. Then drive them back again. Then get dragged into a load of “while you’re here” tasks.
By that point it’s most of the day.

Schtompy - you clearly have no idea what it’s like. You might think you would do this and that but your comments quite honestly sound like you have never been in this situation.

It’s not 20 mins out of your day. That is the bit that makes me think you really haven’t done anything like this.

Micheal and Kirk, I was 300 miles away, driving down every 10 days.

depending on how your parents brought you up, if you had good ones and were loved, I don’t think it’s much to ask to give back, the tables turn when they get older. You become the parent, with patience and love they showed you.

They’re happy for me to talk to their GP, we just hadn’t got round to writing a letter (I assumed the GP would have a standard form ,but apparently not). POA is already in place, thankfully.

Thank you for that. I wasn’t giving that poster the benefit of a reply. I’ve actually given up a good job and moved house to be closer to them, and do a lot of running about after them, with frequent phone calls in between visits. I’ve taken them on holiday, been there for every hospital admission, and supported them to update the house as they get older (new downstairs bathroom, extra stair rails, outside handrail are just a few things I’ve had to talk them into and arrange for them - all of which they appreciate now they’re done).

But I’m drawing a line at taking them to every single appointment. I’ve been over today and had a good talk with them, dad is still not happy but mum is now putting her foot down and telling him he can’t drive until a doctor tells him he can (unlikely, but hopefully by the point he realises it’s forever he’ll have got used to the idea).

We're arranging to sell the Volvo, so that’s a start. Mum’s okay driving locally (I went out with her and she was fine) so hopefully things will calm down a bit now. I’d like her to get a newer car with automatic lights, wipers etc, and that was automatic, but I’ll mention that one again in a few weeks. Sometimes she needs to let things mull over in her mind before she comes round to them.

Glad things have calmed down op. When DMIL had to stop driving it "coincided" with BIL having car trouble, she was pleased to be able to help him out and she got used to taxis, lift from friends etc (until sadly her situation deteriorated). Maybe something to keep in mind as she really was pleased she could be so helpful in lending her car to her son, and to be fair it made life a lot easier as BIL went from a 1 car to 2 car family so it was much easier for him to support MIL.

What brought on his dizziness as context is everything.
Was it when he was walking outside, or sitting down at home, or standing for 30 mins in a queue?
Is it first thing in the morning, or any time during the day ?
What's his blood pressure like, and is he on blood pressure meds.
Was it a gp or consultant who told him not to drive.
Medication could help him sort it and he could safely drive again.

I do sympathise with you and your dad. I had this problem with my parents and it got quite nasty. They saw it as an end to their independent life, which I guess it was to a point but as others have said, there could be devastating repercussions and it’s not worth it. Good luck.

At the moment he’s being investigated for heart failure - he’s due to see a consultant in the next month or so. He’s collapsed at home several times (doesn’t lose consciousness but often can't remember what happened) and paramedics take him to hospital. Last time he was in (earlier this week) he had a funny turn whilst he was lying on a trolley, I think that was what prompted the doctor there to say he couldn’t drive, as there were no factors such as standing or having eaten to blame. They’re tinkering with his meds, but don’t seem to have found a balance yet - he had another episode on Thursday night, but he went to bed and couldn’t remember anything about it next day…

It was ‘Cause of Death’ about the work of the Coroner. On Channel 5 and on the catch up.
Tell them to watch this programme- it’s a documentary about three elderly drivers who were not safe to drive, who went on to kill by driving. In those three cases, it was eye sight problems.
It’s very hard hitting and might change their perspective

I've just watched this. Shocking how atrociously bad those drivers' eyesight was! And for how long!

The system of self-reporting is absolutely unfit for purpose and needs to be changed urgently.

My grandfather stopped driving once he became 80. He knew his reactions weren't there anymore. They could just get taxis for short journeys. Or patient transport. There are various charities that provide transport for the elderly at minimum.

I had the same problem with my 94 year old dad with dementia

I reported him to the dvla anonymously, they revoked the licence straight away which he reluctantly excepted, he never knew it was me

your dad is uninsured and any accident would be so traumatic even a minor one

please do not ask your elderly mum to drive , it may cause her stress when she has enough to cope with and do not remove car keys, it may make your dad angry with you at a time when they need your support and is criminal theft in any case

you are not alone, there is an excellent Facebook group carents lounge and driving is a major issue

good luck

How did you report him anonymously?

I'd take the nuclear option and take the wheels off the car or something. Can that be done without a key?

I’ve searched the DVLA website for info on how to report anonymously. I can’t find the form anywhere. Could someone link to it please?

Use this link to report anonymously to dvla https://contact.dvla.gov.uk/driver/capture-transaction-type?locale=en

I tried that. It doesn’t have that option and there is no way to avoid filling in my details.

You just put Joe Bloggs details surely..... That's what I did for my neighbour but I was giving her name, address, car details, GP details etc. I acknowledged that an anon report would have less impact than giving my own name.

Okay I’ve done it. Thank you. I feel awful doing it but I feel I must.

Well, hang on a minute. I would certainly report your DF to the Dvla. Your mother is a different matter though. She has not been told she can't drive, and if she is insured to drive the car you could get in serious trouble for stealing the keys without reason