What to do - driving

[drivingmetomywitsend]

My dad is 81, and lives with my mum who is the same age. They manage at home without any outside support, apart from me. Dad has been having episodes of dizziness/collapse for some time now, which have resulted in several hospital admissions while they try to get to the cause of it. He’s currently waiting for an appointment with the heart failure consultant. He also has worsening memory problems.

His last episode was on Monday night, and on Tuesday the doctor we saw said in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t to drive unless they told him he could. Mum can drive but hasn’t done for some time, and has lost her confidence. We’ve discussed her having a refresher lesson or two but she wasn’t enthusiastic.

Today dad had an appointment with his GP, which is only about 1/4 mile away, at the top of the road, but he insisted on driving as it wasn’t far….

I’ve pointed out that he is driving illegally and uninsured but they both brushed it off (“But it wasn’t far!”)

I suggested that mum tries a short trip tomorrow but I suspect that she won’t, and may even just tell me she has to shut me up. I am happy to take them to hospital appointments, as parking is also a nightmare there, but I am reluctant to become their default to drive up the road or to the local supermarket - they can easily afford taxis btw. I live 20 minutes drive away, and once I’m over there tend to get sucked into helping them with other stuff, so it’d be a chunk of my day.

What do I do? The doctor said to inform the DVLA, I thought that was unnecessary since he wouldn’t be driving, but now I wish I had at the time. If I tell them now would it look like the doctor had told them? I’m not convinced it would stop him driving anyway, and I really don’t want him to cause an accident.

Inform the DVLA and as it sounds as if they are going to ignore this instruction from the doctor, take the car keys away.

if your father has an episode at the wheel and kills a mother and child walking along how will you feel then?

i took away my fathers keys when he had dementia - its not worth the risk.

Take away the car. Its the only way to stop them driving. FIL had a dementia diagnosis and we said unless he could get to the assessment centre to get tested (on the advice of his doctor) he could not drive until he passed. He couldn't get there and we removed the car as he was continuing to drive.

You can report to DVLA anonymously.

Get bus passes and set up a taxi account. Online shopping account.

They can chunter and complain as much as they want but no one wants that on their conscience if something happens.

Take the keys and tell the DVLA. Ask your local neighbourhood PC/PCSO if they can have a chat with him. You can find their details at police.uk

Apart from mum do you have any other family who can support you with this?

I’d explain that I can understand how difficult it must be for him but considering his symptoms I’d ask why, when his dr has told him not to drive why he thinks it’s appropriate to ignore him putting himself, your mother and everyone else at risk.

The trouble is that mum will say she’s going to drive, and might even tell me she has done. And she can’t see the problem with him just driving up the road, as it isn’t far. I’ve had a massive go at them this afternoon, but she just goes quiet then agrees with me. But I’m pretty sure she’ll give in to him when he insists on driving.

If OP reports to the DVLA what will happen? I ask as I have same issue with DF.

Only my brother, who’s about as much use as a chocolate teapot. Now he doesn’t need them for childcare he’s not interested.

I might try my aunt and uncle, but I don’t have much contact with them - although I get on with them fine.

Take the keys and tell them they have to take a taxi, or you can drive them to GP/hospital appointments.

It's not realistic to expect your mum to drive now. She doesn't want to, so don't pursue that.

I'm sorry, I know this is such a difficult stage to navigate.

Because he’ll be fine. There’s nothing wrong with him. The doctor didn’t mean it. If he feels funny he’ll just stop.

In the middle of the road, presumably….

I dobbed FIL in to the DVLA anonymously. They arranged a test drive for him, which he failed. He was furious but abided by it.

My mother is 88 and has had several minor accidents in the past two years. She has always been a terrible driver but now is an absolute liability. No one else is prepared to tell her she needs to stop . I don’t know what to do.

I have been training my dad to use taxis. He hated the idea, but couldn’t drive for a bit (hip replacement) and I can’t drive so couldn’t be his chauffeur. Got him an uber account and got him introduced to his local taxi firm whose drivers he really likes.
The more he does it, the more he seems to realise the benefits.

My husband's boss once bought a car off someone, he had about 15 minutes to look/buy/take away, as the daughter was selling it while her dad was at an appointment and he didn't know about it.....

How did you do this? I think I need to do the same.

Thank goodness my Dad realised for himself that he should not drive and asked me to arrange to sell his car. Just take away the keys, or drive the car to your house until it’s sold. He is endangering your Mum, pedestrians and other drivers. How would he feel if he had an accident? How would you feel knowing that you could have prevented it by taking away the car.
Just do it.

There was a programme the other day. A documentary on those killed by drivers who should have given up their licences prior to the accident.

It was heartbreaking. Can you try and get them to sit down and watch it with you?

Otherwise tell the doctor. Tell the police. And report to DVLA anon

Of course you know what to do, you just aren’t doing it! Just take away the keys/car and have done with it. Make her an account with a taxis firm so she can book and use whenever she needs to.

FIL wouldn't give up until a police officer had a word with him. Might be worth a try.

Channel 5 documentary, "Cause of Death – Licence to Kill

https://www.channel5.com/show/cause-of-death-special-a-licence-to-kill

Another vote for remove the car (not just the keys).

You Dad will not stop driving

He may have a type of vascular dementia from disrupted blood flow or afraid to loose their independance.
Either way he knows he is not fit to drive but is in denial.

Your Mum is not able to drive either and not willing to accept the conflict which will happen if she has to stop Dad or drive herself.

Sadly what is happening now is advanced warning of how things are going to fall appart for a while.

They are now housebound this will have a massive negitave impact on memory and social skills.

On the being sucked in you need a "Not on the list" rule. You only do what you came over to do and then leave.

Long term you need a work out what they need to change to adjust to having no car and how to manage the "stuff" you are getting sucked into.

Nb they need to sort out the power of attorney for both money and health asap.

Plus check that you are listed as an authorised person on any service provider.

Adding to the chorus of you have to take the keys away. BIL had to do this when FIL started having absence seizures and was in denial. He actually had one whilst driving, luckily was moving at very low speed in a side road and just rolled into the kerb. Very frightening to think of what could have happened. FIL was incredibly angry at the time but has come to accept it.

This is how you report via email ( it’s a web form)

https://www.gov.uk/contact-the-dvla/y/driving-and-medical-issues

personally I’d take the keys too!

This might be your best bet. Try to frame it that taxis are safer and stress free whilst waiting for it all to be 'sorted out'.

Yeah, all of this!

If you don’t, and he kills or injures someone - a lot of people would question why you didn’t do more to intervene.