Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Just sending support, really, the limbo stage (when what parents want and what they need diverge) is really hard. We were there about 5 years ago: DM 80, DD 90, "we aren't ready for a retirement home" - but they were, because of Dad's creeping cognitive decline and Mum's inability to cope with it/step up. It was hard for them and hard for us. You're being reassuring, sensible and kind and it sounds like there's cooperation between family members (sorry if I have misunderstood) so, honestly, don't give yourself a hard time for "not knowing what to do". You're doing better than you think and it isn't your job to find the solution - there isn't a simple one, really. I wonder what your parents' "trusted carer" thinks..? Would it help to find out? I only mention it because in my working life I sometimes find myself (as an hourly domestic/general help) bridging the gap between an elderly client's reality (decreasing mobility, an increasing need for more care, let's say) and what their reality was say five years ago. It is worrying and it helps if adult children are in the loop, but often the elderly person sees me as their one key to independence, a defence against a reality they don't want to accept. Occasionally I have had to walk away from situations that are too risky and have to change, which has given the wider family the chance to have a conversation with the elderly person. In most cases they have moved to residential care/retirement flat, and it's been a good thing for everyone.
Sending good thoughts.

Excuse me while I find a quiet corner, bang my head on the wall and scream.

Thanks for your thoughtful post @Thoseshoeslookcomfy. Things to think about there that I hadn't thought of.

I hope you're all right @countrygirl99. Well presumably not really. 🍷Take your pick.

I forgot to put tonic on my shopping list this morning and today is definitely a day it's needed. Had to remind goldenballs that 1 hour away is not "on the spot"?

And one hour away is actually a two hour round trip and add the hour that you're there to sort things and its most of a morning or afternoon...

In my experience one hour away equals at least half a day if not more (depending on the amount of chaos to sort out) of your time taken up.

And it adds up. Because you probably have no energy left for doing much of anything the rest of that day (I'm probably a relative stripling here! but will be 60 next year and I don't have the stamina I used to).
Even at once a fortnight (now, at least) it takes quite a chunk out of your life... Out of the precious healthy time remaining before you're on the other end of all this.

My parents are an hour away which is, I keep reminding them, a bloody long way in an emergency.

I am less than half an hour away, but every visit ends up taking several hours and like you say it is precious time that could be spent on other things like spending time with my child.

My goldenballs DB who is 2.5 hours away has told my Dad he will grace us with a visit once a month, I will believe that when I see it and in terms of practical help he is never there when you need him or in a crisis.

It is so easy to pass judgement when you do nothing of the day to day caring tasks and have no idea what they actually entail.

I'm an hour away too. It usually really knackers me going to see my mum and dad, especially if I'm taking one of them to a medical appointment because I stress about getting there on time.

A year or so ago my mum said did I know that she often lies to me about when the appointment is; pretends it's earlier than it is because she thinks I'll be late. Cheers mum! I had a patch of time where I couldn't sleep well the night before because I was worrying about not sleeping and being too tired to be safe on the journey. I think I'm mostly over that now.

My little treat to myself is stopping at the BP petrol station on the way home and getting myself a coffee and sitting drinking it and reviving myself with it in the car park! I got into that habit when I found they had off milk in their fridge as they don’t drink it much.

My sister does much more proactive stuff than me sorting out my mum’s clothes and chucking out the past it stuff. But my sister generally chooses when she's going and turns up when she wants to. She doesn't drive and lives an hour further than me.

The other week there was an accident on the main road home and the carriageway was closed between roundabouts. Trying to get off the roundabout in rush hour traffic, and finding my way through snarled up back roads added an hour and half to the journey.

I’m a 5 minute drive away - of course that means I don’t have an excuse not to be there every day.

Today I spent another two hours decluttering in DMs , took another 3 bags to charity and filled two bin bags of rubbish and three green recycling bags full of paper. I cleared enough space to get to a corner of the bedroom and discovered three more drawers of paperwork dating to before DF died in 2020. I still haven’t reached the wardrobe and the shelves. And this is the smallest bedroom of 3. There’s a huge attic too.

I hate taking mum to appointments. Not only the 2 hour round trips just to get there but she doesn't remember she's got one despite it being on her calendar and doesn't answer the phone fore to remind her. That means I have to allow more time to explain where and why (several times) and to point out she's put on dirty/holey clothes and get her to change.

I am fortunate that DM is in a care home. We skipped the slow decline stage in practical terms as DM was in hospital.

DM is (in my opinion) sundowning now. We have had many evening incidents of DM saying she wants to 'go home'. In these periods she becomes belligerent and sometimes aggressive.

Sometimes the care home will call DB or me to see if we can help. DB tends to go in (he's a short taxi ride away). I talk to DM on the phone (I'm 45 minutes away).

I hate this stage. Visiting DM is always stressful, which version of DM will I get. It's duty now, not love. DM herself is gone.

@tobee I live an hour away from my Mum and sometimes it can take 1 hour 40 due to traffic. I know what you mean about the stress of making sure you are on time for appointments. My sibling lives 10 minutes away and is so critical that I don’t do enough. I have asked Mum to move to a home near me but she knows sibling won’t visit as regularly as I do so refuses.

My God @BestIsWest. Like something out of Shackleton.

It’s interesting that none of the tech billionaires seem to have elderly parents in slow decline, as none of the tech works very well for those in cognitive or communicative decline. I include heating controls in that @countrygirl99. Agree entirely about driverless cars probably being directed to ‘the hospital that my granddaughter works at’ to no very good effect.

@PermanentTemporary I assume landline phones are in there as well. We had to replace mum's in March and she hasn't answered the phone to any of us since (though it was only around 1 time in 10 before that). She told her neighbour she can't work out how to use the new phone but when I ask her how she's getting on with the new phones it's "do you think I'm stupid, of course I know how to use a phone. I must have been out".

We are in a similar boat. Sundowning is hell. We used to get irate phone calls when mum was at home, they only slowed down as she lost the ability to use the phone and call all the family in rotation. Saving the best for me obvs as I’m the bad daughter. Now in care home - matter for you but does it actually help if they put her on to you? If it is too much for you, you can say no. I get that sundowning isn’t a choice they have but I half wonder if it is counter productive that the home involve you. Can they use other strategies to get over the sundowning hill before bed time. For your mum the words and sentiment are forgotten quickly (I think) but maybe for you less so? I can’t unhear the things my mum has said to me, and the things I have wanted to say (and said at times I am ashamed to admit but hopefully this group understands). So now I have the chance not to engage at the first sign of a sundown episode.

We are in a similar boat. Sundowning is hell. We used to get irate phone calls when mum was at home, they only slowed down as she lost the ability to use the phone and call all the family in rotation. Saving the best for me obvs as I’m the bad daughter. Now in care home - matter for you but does it actually help if they put her on to you? If it is too much for you, you can say no. I get that sundowning isn’t a choice they have but I half wonder if it is counter productive that the home involve you. Can they use other strategies to get over the sundowning hill before bed time. For your mum the words and sentiment are forgotten quickly (I think) but maybe for you less so? I can’t unhear the things my mum has said to me, and the things I have wanted to say (and said at times I am ashamed to admit but hopefully this group understands). So now I have the chance not to engage at the first sign of a sundown episode.

Sometimes the call helps DM. She isnt aggressive to me but has thrown punches at care workers. The belligerence is nothing new.

Sometimes chatting with her about nothing very much helps her out of whatever dark mental alleyway she has gone down. Most of all, making her laugh helps.

More than anything DM doesn't like being told what to do. Especially by another woman. There seems to be a lot less bother when the male nurse is on.

Of course DB, as golden child and representative of all male authority figures in DM's mind, can do no wrong so DM will allow staff to put her to bed if he goes in after hours. His view is that he is just better at it.

The rest of us mere women are left with just using persuasion techniques.

About a year ago I got a new BT phone for parents at DF’s request - he wanted one designed for old people, big buttons, loud ring tone, anti scam call blocking etc. Did that. Got an old fashioned answer machine on the stand too which flashes a red light for messages. Great.

DF uses it fine but DM can’t work out how to call out on it and doesn’t hear it despite ring tone being at maximum. The call blocking feature means you have to speak/ announce who you are before you can get through, the phone matches with its contacts and lets in/ shuts out accordingly. In the occasions where one of them is out and trying to call the other at home, they can’t figure it out and can’t get through. So they asked me to take the call blocking feature away again.

Long story short, I’m convinced they’d be better off with a 1930s trumpet phone and an Operator!

Pleasant afternoon with DM. She was calm, chatted happily, had some squash which I brought for her to try, appreciated the flowers I brought from the allotment. All went well.

Then....

I wheeled her into tea.

It was like a switch was flicked. Suddenly she became belligerent, angry. She wanted to 'go home to mummy and daddy'. Nothing I said was going in. I was a stranger to her.

So I'm afraid I walked away.

The home have phoned DB and he is going in. IMO DM needs to be moved into the dementia care part of her home. She is a danger to herself and others when she gets into a rage.

It sounds as if that would be a better fit for her, Gnome. I'd ask the home if she is on the list for transfer.

@countrygirl99 i hope you have some tonic water now!

@GnomeDePlume sorry to hear that, I hope they can better support DM in that ward.

We escaped for the weekend, home now. DD called just before midnight last night to say there were nurses on the drive. Turns out MIL is being sick after the oramorph and has taken to biting herself and anything she can reach, so her carer called out the Marie Curie nurses (who don’t have capacity for night cover despite the local hospice nurses saying it would happen now) who called out a more senior nurse to administer lorazepam. Not sure what happens now, no one seems to know and no one is answering the phone.

@SockFluffInTheBath been mainlining sauvignon blanc instead.