Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@tobee the longer I deal with DM the more I think 'sort it now not later'. In your shoes I would get on the carer app, bugger 'intrusion'!

The risk if you don't is that you will be left trying to sort something in a crisis, without access to all necessary information.

Yes you're right @GnomeDePlume . I just constantly second guess myself. Then third guess etc etc 🙄. In most things really.

Just spoke to mum. I'm still thinking we might have to go heavy (my sister and I) on getting them more support. But I know they'll both be resistant.

Anyway, the good news is I just arranged with mum to take her out to the park next week and she can have the ice cream she was dreaming of when she was in hospital. Mind you she seemed to have non stop ice cream in hospital 😃. But it's different by a lake and the weather forecast looks promising.

Having said that I've rechecked and it says 29 degrees for some of next week which might be a bit much. Be sad to cancel it.

@tobee that's about the temp my mum has her heating set at. I never worry about heatwaves as I reckon she must be thoroughly acclimatised.

@tobee DM was wearing a jumper AND a cardigan when I went this afternoon and it was about 25 degrees in her sitting room AND she had the electric fire on. Do they feel the heat? Good job I was there to defrost the freezer as it cooled me down a bit.

Also cleared out some kitchen drawers (1970s lidless Tupperware) and took 6 bags of clothes to the clothing bank.

Yes my dad was frequently to be found in a thick jumper when mum was in hospital. I managed to get the heating down to mostly be off for the really hot days we've just had which my dad tends to favour it being set to 28 degrees. Fortunately I did find him in just a short sleeve cotton shirt when it was above 35 outside!! I worry about them getting heat stroke. My dad has always been a bit of a lizard in the garden.

They also like to have no lights on in the hall; all the better to totter over frequently and add to your children's worry.

And mum had a blanket over her the other night. But it was after 10.30 and milder outside.

Haha I'm sat down with a fleece blanket over me now !

lol @GoldMoon

Last night I was wondering, when our parents come to that time, either already or in the future, where they have to hand back their driving license, maybe that time will be different for us, for our generation. Maybe driverless cars (or something else) will be the norm?

I remember hearing a while ago that the next generation won't need to learn to drive because they'll just summon a driverless car when they need one. That or having personal driverless cars.

@tobee can you imagine the chaos when they demand to be taken to a shop which closed down 38 years ago? AI frantically scouring black and white photographs for a shop called Woollies.

The entire Internet will grind to a halt then eat itself because an elderly couple wanted to buy pick and mix and some tea towels from the same shop.

A recent conversation with my mum would definitely lead to AI meltdown.
Me: the power to the heating controls is turned off, you mustn't do that.
Mum: but I need to turn it off if I get too hot.
Me: but the heating won't come back on of you turn this switch off, turn the thermostat down the thermostat.
Mum: that's how I do it I never touch that switch
Me: but it has been turned off and you mustn't do that
Mum: but I need to turn it off when I get to hot
And so on on repeat.

😆@GnomeDePlume
And 😬@countrygirl99

I could have done without a phonecall from mum's neighbour 5 minutes ago. Repeat of last Friday's emergency. Had a couple of drinks so it's going to have to wait until tomorrow. Also mum told him she can't work out how to use the phone which explains why she doesn't answer.

I was thinking that my mum was saying things like "I'm not on top of things quite" and "I'm not the same as I was". But I don't know what to do about it. I try to comfort her and say she's not doing too badly and to listen but ahhh I don't know. They were firm about no more carers coming twice a day. Just the one trusted carer coming twice a week for two hours in the middle of the day. At the moment the carer comes on a Thursday and a Friday. It would feel better if the two days were spread out a bit.

I think ( thought ?) maybe things would settle after the daily carers finished. That or would be clear if they needed more help after all. Or if it was ok for now.

Whenever we used to talk to mum before she had her stroke it was her saying "we need to have a meeting because I'm not sure I can manage with everything" ie looking after dad, him helping her etc. So we had a few family meetings and then it was all "we could have this, we could have that. But I'm not at that stage yet" from mum. But then they've chosen to now have less help daily but just upped the trusted carer a bit.

My sister says they need more carers partly for our benefit (less stress). But they don't want that. I'm also trying to gauge how much of that is dad. But then mum is quite proud to keep going. But then she says she's not on top of things. It's not helped by her not always hearing. She tends to be more needy on the phone than in person.

I don't know what to think or suggest.

I'm rambling. But it's quite a fair representation of how I'm going round and round with my thinking.

Oh goodness that's not what you want @countrygirl99.

Been there with the phone.

Mum has had a few falls, refuses to have a fall alarm (& probably wouldn't remember she has one anyway) and now can't use the phone. Can't see that ending well.

My mum has a fall alarm. Except it's not really. As it only goes off if you press it. So no good if you are knocked unconscious. Or "don't want to bother them". 🙄 Dad says he doesn't need one 🙄🙄.

Mum fell over when I was there once and used it as a good opportunity to demonstrate how she gets herself up when she falls upstairs. She crawls to the top of the stairs and hoiks herself up using the banisters. At the top of the stairs. I told her this is not relaxing to know. But she says it works for her. 🤯

Talking, as I was earlier, about driverless cars being ubiquitous at some future time, my sister and I decided that what we really need (right now this minute though) is sort of a hologram of my sister and I to just arrive in their home so they don't have to answer the phone or anything, we could even hold up signs if they haven't got their hearing aids working. And these holograms of us could also see them.

I mean Star Trek and Blake's 7 had these kind of things years ago. Why aren't they up and running in 2025 already? Come on inventors - get on with it!

Forget going to other planets and talking to aliens. We need these for our oldies.

A hologram that could sit there and explain that the stare pension age isn't 60/65 any more/ that DS not only has a girlfriend but married her 4 years ago/DHs parents died in 2022 & 2023 and no I don't have any grandchildren yet every 15 minutes would be much appreciated.

I'm doing a bit of dog sitting for a friend tonight. So have a lot of time to think as not much else to do.----

I think I need to read Living With Mother: Right to the very end - the collection of Michelle Hanson's columns from The Guardian. I've read the book several times now and find it very cathartic.

👍

I think my DM would really get the use out of an AI generated room. It would need to gently morph between various idealised versions of 'home' DM wants to go to.

DM's preferred hologram figures would be her parents (aged when she was a child). She frequently talks about them, expecting to see them at any moment.

I am really hoping driverless cars do happen before I have to hand back my licence.

😞

Have you ever seen Peggy Sue Got Married? Peggy Sue (Kathleen Turner) has fainted at her 1980s high school reunion and wakes up in 1960. There's a scene where she's at her childhood home and the phone rings and she answers and it's her (1980s long dead) grandmother. She chokes up speaking to her. But has to cover it up.

Just thinking about that scene, I haven't seen it in years, makes me tearful.