Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

I don't think DB realises how much he is being played by both the care home and by DM.

DM had what essentially was a temper tantrum because she wanted 'the treat' to continue.

She was like this before any of this started. Lunch out would turn into a trip to a garden centre followed by 'aren't you coming in for a cup of tea because I need to show you something'. Always trying to extend the treat.

Now DM has lost much of her ability to be subtly manipulative she goes straight to tantrum mode.

The care home know that if they phone DB he will come in and sit with DM until the tantrum exhausts itself. This makes it easier on the care home.

I don't know what dementia care homes do to manage sundowning. It must happen a lot and I don't see any other non staff around into the evening so they must be doing something.

So full of bloody rage. Why is it so hard to get painkillers for someone with cancer FFS? The duty doctor will call you back sometime today. The meds can only be administer by the district nurses (after you put a call in to get them out when person is showing signs of pain). Rationally I know, I understand controlled drugs etc but ffs. I hope assisted dying is a thing by the time I’m in this state.

District nurse flying squad just been out, turned up seconds after I rage posted. She’s asleep now. I just can’t process this. Why is it so fucking difficult.

@SockFluffInTheBath that's ridiculous. I know pain relief for FIL was a nightmare but that was because he was allergic to opioids and had really bad side effects with synthetic opioids.

MIL has oxycodone pills to take (be given), while the call goes into the district nurse emergency team, and they will come out and give her a shot of the lorazepam. Better but still not great.

Have to say current experience of the Marie Curie team leaves a lot to be desired. Their team leader called DH earlier to say MIL attacked their nurse at the weekend (not according to the carer) and MIL apparently had marks all over her legs (again, no). Wondering if they’ve mixed her up with someone else, which doesn’t inspire confidence.

If she isn’t in the dementia unit then it sounds to me like she needs to move and hopefully they will manage sundowning. In my earlier post I was going to say that while dementia isn’t their choice, and nor is sundowning I have at times thought that mum does - or did- know that sometimes being bloody awful resulted in a reward, whether that was more phone calls or a visit, or a visit extended, or even a bloody good argument.
good luck, press for the dementia care. Does she have a diagnosis?

Unfortunately no diagnosis. DB is very anti getting a diagnosis. He keeps kicking the can down the road by demanding different assessments so the GP keeps being put off.

I think he is trying to put off the moment when DM's LPA's become active and he can no longer exclude me from having sight of DM's finances.

I suggested that we investigate getting DM moved into the dementia unit in her care home. DB doesn't want to anticipate her psychiatric assessment for which we have no appointment date as yet. So the can goes down the road.

The risk is that DM will have yet another medical crisis and the care home may say that they can't care for her in the nursing unit anymore (this happened with DMIL).

Arranging another round of care home visits for mum following her recent domestic crises.

1. I visited with DB2 a couple of years ago and we both thought mum would love it. But it's expensive and mum is 2 years further down the dementia path. In some ways she is still independent, she needs a minder to stop her doing stupid stuff rather than personal care. In a location where I could take her for nice outings.
2. Closer to where she lives but the next village. Not visited before but photos of garden looks nice and outside space has always been important to mum. Fees not on website. Not a good location for outings, no nice cafés or charity shops to wander round.

She still insists she wants to stay in her current small dump of a town but there is only one care home which we visited a couple of months ago and it was beyond grim. Cheapest in the area and still had 20% vacancies! Definitely a grotty location for outings.

Mind you she's probably already forgotten feeling out of sorts and upset the crises and is back to thinking she's managing just fine (she's not) without any help (other than a weekly cleaner, twice daily carer visits to check she hasn't fallen, switched off the electric or left the freezer open, DB1 managing her finances and frequent odd jobs by neighbour and me also doing odd jobs and managing meds) so why on earth am I looking at care homes and no she definitely didn't ask me to. I went up Saturday after calls from evening carer and late night call from neighbour re flooded kitchen (2nd time in a week) and she didn't know what I was talking about, just feeling out of sorts and that "everything is too much and she just wants to be looked after and not have to bother". That will have worn off by the next day based on previous experience.

Total frustration @countrygirl99 !

Just a thought but how realistic are the trips out? Thinking about DM's fellow residents, very few are regularly going out at all. There is something about people moving in that means they start to get cut off. Visitors are regular but not trips out.

Mum is still very mobile. TBH she needs a minder rather than care. If she thinks she won't get outings there is no way she would go toma care home and doing something helps keep my sanity by breaking up the repetitive questions.

Hello All -
First time post-er, just found you on a website while googling how to cope with my mom. I'm very happy to have found you, but also bummed out that we need it - why does this have to be so doggone hard????😣
Can someone please tell me what all the 'D' abbreviations mean? Thx.

Welcome @Ready2crack. The ‘D’ stands for Darling or Dear then M for mother, H for husband and so on.
Of course they are not always darlings so it could mean anything you want (dratted, dastardly, devious).

Somewhere on this site there is an explanation of all the abbreviations, I’ll see if I can find it.

Of course they are not always darlings so it could mean anything you want (dratted, dastardly, devious).

😅

The 'D' means dear/dearest/darling. Sometimes it is used a little ironically!

I was talking with DS last night. We are looking forward to a new baby in the family. He was asking if I would be already 'toddlered out' having to deal with DM.

My take is that toddler behaviour in a child is part of learning and development. It can be frustrating but at the same time you know that they will grow out of it.

With DM the toddler behaviour is frustrating because she is un-learning.

I find it hard because as DM's DD everything is an uphill struggle. DM is declining physically and cognitively faster than we can get things in place. I always feel like we are solving yesterday's problem.

Welcome @Ready2crack

The regression is difficult to navigate, because they have 'capacity' which is a moveable, undefined state , constantly shifting. Yet they either can't or won't do things that would help them in their new reality preferring to live in the old reality. In some cases that old reality is one where 'Mummy and Daddy' did everything for them and they push you into that role whilst simultaneously trying to hold the usual parental authority role and dynamic they have had with you your whole lives. Quirks of personality also mixed in to add to the fun. Nightmare.

DDad told DH he was lonely yesterday and wants him to come over more. Only last week he was rude and totally unappreciative of DH when he went over there to see him days after DH's brother had died. There is this weird push, pull thing he does where if it is not all his own way and on his timing to suit him he is rude, so you back off and then he panics and plays the poor little lost boy act. He is lonely because he has chosen to isolate himself from all his old lifelong friends locally for the last few years, the same friends he moved here to be closer to.

He is now agreeing to have a shower twice a week if DH helps in the new downstairs bathroom that has been ready to use for six months, that he has refused to go in since it was finished!

In good news the SEND Tribunal is now complete for my DS, all agreed that he is going to special school next month so at least I won't be homeschooling on top of everything else. The sale of my Aunt's place also looks like it is going to complete soon, so that is another big burden off my list. That house constantly found some other way to create work for me to do so I am glad to be finally rid of it.

It may be that it is the promise of trips out is more important than actually going on them once you have persuaded your DM to accept a care home. But I may be wrong, we skipped the stage you are at because DM was in hospital and declined cognitively very quickly.

But I have noticed that many care home residents become very insular very quickly.

My DB's codependency with DM is playing out. DB is now staying on after visits until after DM gets put to bed.

On the one hand I can see that this means he is less likely to get called back because DM has got worked up. Once in bed the worst she can do is roll out of bed, her bed is lowered to the floor and she has a crash mat.

On the other hand this makes a new normal. DM will expect visits to continue into the evening. Care home staff can leave settling DM to someone else.

Hospice nurse has been out and put some sort of port/line into MIL’s shoulder because she’s having so many injections (lorazepam) for the pain as well as oxycodone (can’t tolerate morphine). I wasn’t there as I was here trying to calm DD who gets her a level results tomorrow. DH was there but seems battered and is not making much sense. Are we looking at end of life here? I mean, I know she’s dying, but are we moving on a stage?

So many other issues going on at the same time with us "sandwich generation" people.

Good that you seem to have got some definite decisions @Choconuttolata .

Went to see mum & dad yesterday. Mum said she didn't fancy going out for her ice cream in the park as it was so hot and we've arranged to do it next week.

We had tea in the garden while dad had a sleep and I asked mum how everything was going etc etc. Had a pretty good old chat, talking about if she needs more care visits, and what that might look like and whether it's my dad not wanting visits when he's not the one who'll do the food etc. Mum was also very keen to hear about everyone else's news which was good. I'm always aware that I'm always the child who talks the himd legs off a donkey. And have been told this throughout my life. I'm pretty sure that it's done through affection but they are from a generation that didn't particularly think to wonder what telling your child you talk too much might have on their sense of self. And probably deny it if you raise it as an adult. Or rib you about it. 😑

Everything seemed pretty good with them really. But I managed to log on to their bi weekly carer comments on carer app and apparently they've gone back to dad not having his evening medication for some reason. The carer is also making them breakfast (good) because they've not had any even though the carer doesn't come until 11.30 am.

Also had a call from my sister to say that she'd had a message from our parents cleaner who'd refused to do dads en suite bathroom because of a "toiletting accident" (my words not the cleaners 😬). So I've emailed the carer company supervisor asking if the carer could check it out this week. I made sure to say only in the carer's remit. My sister told mum but they haven't got great eyesight.

I'm mentioning it on here because I feel like I want to protect my dad's dignity and not unnecessarily traumatise my adult dc so don't want to share with them. It's open in the family about their urinary incontinence (yay!) but not this ☹️

Good luck with the A level results @SockFluffInTheBath. It’s stressful enough without the addition of parents.

Thank you @BestIsWest thankfully she’s got into her first choice uni, so that’s a huge relief. Nice to have something happy going on for once!

MIL had a better night, much calmer and slept.

That's lovely @SockFluffInTheBath

Will she be going away? Does she now have the accommodation to sort or is that already in hand?

Congratulations to your DD @SockFluffInTheBath lovely news!

Great news for your DD @SockFluffInTheBath.

I am glad to hear your MIL had a calmer night, they will have put her on a continuous subcutaneous infusion to manage her pain, it doesn't necessarily mean that it is the next stage in the dying process, some people mobilise around with them, it is just more effective pain relief. Some info here.

https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/information/symptoms/syringe-drivers

Thank you @Choconuttolata its not a driver (my dad had one), not seen it this morning as it’s covered, but she’s been being sick this morning so the district nurse has been out. No temperature, not much they can do.

Thank you for the good wishes for DD (sorry to derail!). @GnomeDePlume she’s off to York (we’re in Warwickshire) which was a bit of a stretch but she did it. Off to do social and public policy (angry socialist 😁 very proud).

Must just be a subcut line then to avoid having to give regular injections all over the place, reduces the chance of not tolerating oral meds and more comfortable for her.

York is a great city, sounds like she will have a good time railing against societies injustices.