I have left the rollercoaster-help me never get back on

[BlueLegume]

Ok lovely people.- I’m done with the drama of my difficult mother. - after suggesting I start a new thread after my recent one https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5329786-totally-burnt-out-emotionally

Join me on Chapter one - page one. I think the first step has been taken in walking g away from a toxic situation. Help me keep walking 😊

Bless you. I am sorry you're struggling too. As with @BlueLegume - it is NOT your fault. You neither created this situation nor asked for it. You are doing them best that you can in a wretched position.

I think we often feel so terrible because we take upon ourselves the guilt and emotion we'd feel if we treated people the way our tormentor treats us - AS WELL AS the pain and despair that they inflict upon us. They, of course, have no such guilt or emotion themselves because they are so emotionally, morally and spiritually bankrupt that it just washes off them, or even amuses them.

You're a decent person despite - not because of - the baggage with which you have unfortunately been lumbered.

But you can break free. You can. Like lovely @BlueLegume and others have done. It's not easy, but it will be worth it. You're going to make it. Keep going. xx

I wish DH would put some boundaries in place. My greatest fear is that he'll have a stroke or heart attack and MIL will live on. We had such a lovely weekend away and now it may as well not have happened DH is stressed about taking MIL to the care home when she usually manages to upset FIL, stressed about dealing with the sale of PILs house and stressed making sure there is enough money to pay FILs care home fees.

@BlueLegume as a professional in the Adult Care sector I think you are brilliant.
I have watched demanding people have their family members tied up in knots of Obligation when there is actual, professionally help avaliable .
I have seen many family members reduced to tears.

@Morenicecardigans Sounds like DH is not at the stage of rollercoaster dismount. He's still riding the peaks and troughs, although it's pretty much all troughs, I bet.

Interestingly, I had a nose on gransnet earlier (finding a link for a friend) and there is a whole board dedicated to ‘estrangement’. Fascinating to see how we tie ourselves in knots over this, put up with the FOG until we break, and it’s all dismissed as selfishness, silliness, modern fads. Not the slightest hint any of them could possibly have done anything to cause it.

Stay strong Blue, in the name of all that is holy, stay strong.

I daren't look over there! Are they generally upset about it or is it just seen as you say as silliness and so not worth their while bothering? Do they say they are upset or sad?

A few upset (for their own sake, what they have lost), quite a lot of bitterness and anger. Pretty sure there was a thread describing NC ACs (adult children) as narcissists 😅

@SockFluffInTheBath I daren’t look either but it sounds like an echo chamber… unreasonable people gathering to reinforce each others delusions, no one daring to suggest a bit of self-reflection about what they are asking their DC to sacrifice or perhaps the cost to their GC.

Every time I see DF he tells me how much he wants to make sure his GC are ‘looked after’ meaning the grand gesture of inheritance (and more precisely changing his will so GC benefit not DC because I am so undeserving). All the while completely failing to recognise that what his GC need is their parents, unbroken. It is most deflating when I say I do not expect to inherit anything and that he knows his solicitor’s number and email.

I dare say they reckon this place is an echo chamber. One man’s freedom fighter is another man’s terrorist and all that.

To be clear though, I am off the rollercoaster too @BlueLegume. I am not wanted and I have very much stepped back and haven’t visited unless I want to or to support a sibling.

I started putting boundaries in a few months ago. Siblings have had to step up. I am still happy to help on occasions but not be taken the piss out of. Also, if they are not willing to help themselves at all I have informed them that the mantra of ‘you can sort it when I die’ will not wash with me anymore. They either get involved and help themselves while they still can or leave themselves at the mercy of whoever picks up the pieces because it won’t be me if I see no effort from them to help themselves. I can now say no you’ll have to find an alternative and not feel guilty.

If you do get back to helping out put in boundaries and stick to them.

I’m sure you’re right about their perception. But when they literally believe DC should sacrifice everything to put them first, using every emotional manipulation, they are the terrorists.

Op good decision to put on your own oxygen mask first

It is OK to say NO sometimes

It is OK to have boundaries

Well done

You are probably right @Mum5net we have a bit more pain to go before he steps back.

On a positive note however @Morenicecardigans, his roller coaster is definitely coming to a halt because DH would appear to be in charge of the house sale and finances. The balance of power in DH's family dynamic has obviously shifted. Granted it's miserable trying to sell a house in those circumstances and navigate the funds, but his DM is not calling all the shots. Your DH is no longer powerless and reactionary, he's got the brakes. More weekends away would be the route.

How are things panning out for you @BlueLegume ? I've read your posts on in the Cockroach Cafe threads, this thread and the thread that caused this one. I really hope you and your DP are having happier times, that your 'D'B is stepping up etc.