I have left the rollercoaster-help me never get back on

[BlueLegume]

Ok lovely people.- I’m done with the drama of my difficult mother. - after suggesting I start a new thread after my recent one https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5329786-totally-burnt-out-emotionally

Join me on Chapter one - page one. I think the first step has been taken in walking g away from a toxic situation. Help me keep walking 😊

Congratulations @BlueLegume I have wished this day for you for a very long time. You have been building up to this for many, many months. Archive your DM on What's App while you get your 'ducks in a row'. You don't need to phone her or tell her, or indeed your DBro, but you will need to tell your DSis. We are here for her, too.
You can do this! Hopefully in a week or so you will be feeling a whole lot less burned out and happier.

I've seen lots of your messages over my time of hanging out in the elderly parents room (how is this decorated? A lot of unnecessary occasional tables and trip-hazard Persians in the case of mine).

I am totally by your side on this ride - many many congratulations Blue! I'm lucky that my parents are/were courteous and essentially kind, but god I've still been severely tested by the last five years. Your mother sounds horrendous. And even if she wasn't, you still have to prioritise yourself and your relationship. I bet your partner has made this ultimatum as the only way to force you to look after yourself.

And every time you're tempted to get back on it, then come here and post your dilemma and we'll all shout at you.

Very much here to support you. It will continue to be a rollercoaster I suspect, your M and my M seem cut from a similar cloth having followed your threads. But at least it is your rollercoaster now and you can apply the brakes when you need to.

One word of advice, if ASC are already aware of your M, you might want to drop them a note to flag you are stepping back and that she is likely to need support going forward. It won't stop the crisis from happening at some point, but they will be primed in advance. Having had all sorts of flying monkeys hurled at me over the past few months it was reassuring to see in the final care assessment that they flagged I had raised Mum with ASC as a concern on several occasions.

Good luck 🍀

I’ve been NC with my poisonous witch of a mother for 9 months, and I highly recommend it. Well done for taking the first step to prioritising yourself over drama 💐

I found early on I occasionally had pangs of guilt, of thinking I maybe remembered it as being worse than it really was, maybe it’s not her fault, maybe I’m being too harsh. Tell yourself you trust your own judgement and tgat your decisions are sound. Maybe write down your feelings and reasons now so if future Blue wobbles you can remind yourself.

About time, keep it up ❤️

Oh love.

I was nc with my mum on and off for a few years - she refused outside help (think big 4 bed house, massive garden) and expected me to 'do' for her whilst my own home fell into disrepair. Meanwhile my brother could do no wrong, despite being no help whatsoever.
My relationship with my mum was destroying my relationship with dc and dp. I HAD to take a step back for my own good, and she managed, sort of, martyring herself to cut the grass over 4 days, and roping in several other folk to do what she'd been expecting me to do alone.

I felt the guilt op. You will feel it too. You HAVE to put on your own oxygen mask first. Protect yourself, your relationship with dh and any dc. Then, and only then, do you offer only what you can to your mum. Help is available to her, she can choose to accept it - she is currently choosing NOT to accept it, and she will soon begin to feel the consequences.

It's tough. Be kind to yourself.

Well done! Stay strong.

Can I just say - this thread is not about me. I want anyone else on Elderly Parents to join. I know the Cockroach Cafe is amazing as well.

Ah but it is about you, for now at least. You are conditioned to not have anything good be about you. You’ve done a brave, strong, bold thing. This is your moment 💐

@Sittingontheporch thank you. Timetabling my next few days to be focused on what is important.

Yes, anyone can join, but right now @BlueLegume you and Mr Blue need to be prioritised to get you over these first few months. The temptation to 'just answer the phone or 'pop round' is hard wired across all your decades.
I know you have a backlog of stuff to do but I'd suggest booking a quick weekend away with DH - even just to a city not too far away.

I know you have a backlog of stuff to do but I'd suggest booking a quick weekend away with DH - even just to a city not too far away

This is an excellent idea, it would create a proper 'break' between how things have been and how they're going to be going forward, kind of a marker for the change. Please don't doubt yourself OP, or give in to the inevitable guilt, we're here if you feel yourself weakening

Hope you can find peace

@BlueLegume sorry I'm not 100% clear on what's happening

Have you gone NC and you've told her that?

@EmeraldRoulette not sure I need to explain myself more than I have done already.

Sorry if I have misread your post but I have had years worth of threads on here seeking advice on dealing with an utterly impossible mother. I have tried absolutely everything to make her life better, simpler, nicer. Nothing works. I need a break. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted by her. I also have a life and family of my own I have very much neglected in recent years. They need me.

Very brave of you OP, huge well done. Your DP has clearly had enough and so have you. I have a situation with my own family where I'm having to step right back for my own sanity - it's not easy but I keep reminding myself to 'sit with the discomfort '. It's really helping, and overall I'm feeling more peaceful and less fraught

Keep posting, we're here to listen

Since writing down 'Mr Blue' in my post yesterday the earworm of ELO's Mr Blue Sky has constantly rung around my head. Just googled and, hey presto, it is one of the happiest songs ever written!
Apparently it has 180 bpm, played in the key of F Major. which is an important factor in determining the happiness of a song.
I propose that if anyone steps off the rollercoaster they add this to their playlist and start singing it to themselves whenever under threat of return...

Lyrics
Sun is shinin' in the sky
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin', everybody's in the play
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day? Hey
Runnin' down the avenue
See how the sun shines brightly in the city
On the streets where once was pity
Mr. Blue Sky is living here today, hey
Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long (so long)
Where did we go wrong?
Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long (so long)
Where did we go wrong?
Hey you with the pretty face
Welcome to the human race
A celebration, Mr. Blue Sky's up there waitin'
And today is the day we've waited for
Oh, Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long (so long)
Where did we go wrong?
Hey there, Mr. Blue
We're so pleased to be with you
Look around, see what you do
Everybody smiles at you
Hey there, Mr. Blue
We're so pleased to be with you
Look around, see what you do
Everybody smiles at you
Mr. Blue, you did it right
But soon comes Mr. Night creepin' over
Now his hand is on your shoulder
Never mind, I'll remember you this
I'll remember you this way
Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long (so long)
Where did we go wrong?
Hey there Mr. Blue (sky)
We're so pleased to be with you (sky)
Look around see what you do (blue)
Everybody smiles at you

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Jeff Lynne
Mr. Blue Sky lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Congratulations ... I guess? Well it's been a long time coming ... this is a sincere suggestion, but perhaps some therapy for you OP because the way you are dealing with this seems extremely overwrought. It sounds like you just can't deal with the way your parents are, and of course it can be extremely difficult, but therapy might help you stop churning it over and over.

Or a time-consuming new hobby or job to take your mind off it all as it has become a whole obsession in recent months. I don't think continuing to post about it on Mumsnet will be all that helpful, because everything that could be said has already been said. Maybe you disagree.

Top stuff @BlueLegume - I am a lurker in the Cockroach Cafe and am under a different name in the 'quotes from Narc Mums' ones, I've really felt for you through your posts. And you have been so encouraging and supportive of others.. I'm so pleased you've been able to pull away from this toxic hellmouth.

You have 100% done the right thing, the best you could to secure a happier future for you and all those who truly love you. You deserve the brighter, freer future that is to come.

Every possible good wish to you. It will be alright. xx

'You have 100% done the right thing, the best you could to secure a happier future for you and all those who truly love you. You deserve the brighter, freer future that is to come.
Every possible good wish to you. It will be alright'

Lovely words @REP22 , thank you for sharing. I'm going through something a bit similar and I find them very comforting x

@Lottapianos thank you and sorry to hear you, or indeed anyone, is having a similar tough time. It is very early days for me BUT I feel stronger and less stressed simply having chosen to make a change. Yes not doubt there will be the odd wobble but reflecting on the stress I have felt under is madness - under no other circumstances would I have tolerated a toxic relationship for this long. Do feel free to share with us - for the most part people on here are supportive and understanding.

👏👏👏Well done @BlueLegume this has been coming for some time. This is a really positive step for you and your own family.

If you are not currently in therapy having some more lined up so that you can talk to them through this process might be helpful in staying strong. I really found talking to the one I had when I was dealing with my DAunt's situation helped with the FOG and helped me stay strong in saying no to the pressure from social care on me to rescue the situation. I know that you may face pressure from your Mum, your siblings and potentially the other services going forward once they start having to deal with her more so getting some support in place for you just in case.

Now what lovely thing are you going to do for yourself today?

@BlueLegume
I was under a couple of different names, but I was on the boards for a long time before having a nervous breakdown dealing with my mum

I was just asking a question as I try not to be on here too much and I didn't know what had happened and I couldn't tell from your links.

I wish you all the best 💐

Just another person saying well done for being so strong. I posted on your other thread a few days ago and you were in a bit of (seemed to me) this is all fab advice but I can’t take this advice my situation is different . I don’t know you but I’m so proud of you, you must be feeling it in your stomach though x

'It is very early days for me BUT I feel stronger and less stressed simply having chosen to make a change.'

Yes! Can relate so much to this. It does you good to stand up for yourself and assert yourself. I'm feeling stronger and more peaceful too x