I mean nothing so why bother visiting

[BeMintFatball]

I have an aunt who was the middle child. She never married and had no children. She has 2 living relatives her nephew, son of deceased older sister and myself. I am the daughter of her younger brother also deceased.

There is 19 years between me and my cousin. I do not have any relationship with him. My Dad didn’t invite him to my wedding and I think he was salty about that. But my Dad could never stand him.

cousin is her next of kin and has POA, Unbelievably aunt has lived 10 years in care homes. Bedridden. She is approaching 96.

She has been at current care home since the week of lockdown. She had the tv on all day with the curtains closed all the time because sun glare on the screen. She never sees daylight and doesn’t want to . I ask her , does she want the curtains open , she tells me no,

So yesterday I go to see her and take flowers. This meant I had to ask for a vase . And I met the guy in charge of. First time I have spoken to him. He didn’t know I exist!. He got her care plan that has a potted history of her life: family. No mention of me. He wrote me in as a ps aunt has a niece her phone number is ….

This means the previous care home didn’t pass on full notes. As I had to tell them my contact details too. Strong feeling my cousin won’t contact me when aunt dies.

I spoke to my aunt. I told her care home didn’t know who I was. If anything happened to her how would I have known? She shrugged. Aunt do you think cousin would have told me? Again shrugged. What do you think of that? Her answer laughing I couldn’t give a shit. Me because you would be dead? Her: that’s right don’t bother me, (still chuckling) Me; fair play Auntie

Why do I bother? I have a lot of health issues of my own. I’m epileptic, can’t drive the care home is impossible for me to reach with a lift from my husband. We have a disabled daughter and my own mother is 86 and frail.

After seeing aunt we called in my mother who needed a few jobs doing and the we drove home. It was a full day.

@PermanentTemporary the newsletter was more in the vein of mum has been ill but survived and a way of letting her know I’ve been busy with mum. A message to bridge the gap until I could see her in person

I do take your point about bad news. We haven’t told her her longest friend died 18months ago. Mind you she would have been over 100 so I’m sure aunt suspects she has passed.

Good idea to sent more regular cheerful updates. She enjoys seeing photos on my phone of what my girls are doing. Might help me feel less bad about not being able to see her very much

She is probably just done tbh, I know you are upset about the staff but they probably just see faces but don't actually remember everyone.

@Coffeeishot I’m not upset at the staff. They can only go by the information they are provided. I’m upset at my cousin and as said in my OP we don’t have a relationship. My Dad hated him. Gave me a choice - did I want him at my wedding . Wedding paid for by Dad because that was still fairly normal 30 years ago. I wasn’t fussed. He didn’t get invited. With the power of hindsight, yes my cousin should have been invited. Cousin cut ties with me. I sent him Christmas cards he never reciprocated.

Dad dead, Mum invited him to come to the funeral. We had a buffet in a pub afterwards. Cousin refused to sit down . Remained standing the whole time and yes I did invite him to sit at the table. And that was the last I saw of him 16 years ago.

I shall write to him but I don’t expect a reply.

Aww I'm sorry j misunderstood, apologies.

I think the point OP is making is that aunt doesn't seem bothered.

I hope when I'm 96 people aren't visiting me to read out missives of various relations illnesses and deaths.

They had better bring gin and a grin.

How did she behave towards you when she was younger? How much will she leave behind? Could this be a reason why your cousin isn’t keen on the care home knowing about you? It might be a ploy to cut you out. Keep an eye on it. Can you check to be sure that the POA is being used correctly?

@Zucker 😂

Have they switched to residents’ having their own phones, probably a simple mobile these days, rather than a communal landline? Years ago one of mine had a communal landline patient phone in the home but that disappeared when mobile phones became more common and prices came down.
Another of mine could have their own landline phone in the room, which was billed to them?

You didn’t invite counsin to your wedding 19 years ago so he didn’t send you a Christmas card and then what happened? No contact again until your father’s funeral where you didn’t go and talk to him. Or have you had contact in the mean time?

Since then you have has been responsible for Aunt’s care while you visit every 3 months.

Or am I missing bits?

You have a lot of ideas about how things “should be”, a lot of expectations. You have no relationship at all with your cousin but still feel he has obligations towards you. Then you have all kinds of negative emotions when people inevitably don’t live up to your high expectations. Honestly I think this is something you need to address in yourself. Go visit your aunt or don’t go but you really need to put these expectations to bed.