I mean nothing so why bother visiting

[BeMintFatball]

I have an aunt who was the middle child. She never married and had no children. She has 2 living relatives her nephew, son of deceased older sister and myself. I am the daughter of her younger brother also deceased.

There is 19 years between me and my cousin. I do not have any relationship with him. My Dad didn’t invite him to my wedding and I think he was salty about that. But my Dad could never stand him.

cousin is her next of kin and has POA, Unbelievably aunt has lived 10 years in care homes. Bedridden. She is approaching 96.

She has been at current care home since the week of lockdown. She had the tv on all day with the curtains closed all the time because sun glare on the screen. She never sees daylight and doesn’t want to . I ask her , does she want the curtains open , she tells me no,

So yesterday I go to see her and take flowers. This meant I had to ask for a vase . And I met the guy in charge of. First time I have spoken to him. He didn’t know I exist!. He got her care plan that has a potted history of her life: family. No mention of me. He wrote me in as a ps aunt has a niece her phone number is ….

This means the previous care home didn’t pass on full notes. As I had to tell them my contact details too. Strong feeling my cousin won’t contact me when aunt dies.

I spoke to my aunt. I told her care home didn’t know who I was. If anything happened to her how would I have known? She shrugged. Aunt do you think cousin would have told me? Again shrugged. What do you think of that? Her answer laughing I couldn’t give a shit. Me because you would be dead? Her: that’s right don’t bother me, (still chuckling) Me; fair play Auntie

Why do I bother? I have a lot of health issues of my own. I’m epileptic, can’t drive the care home is impossible for me to reach with a lift from my husband. We have a disabled daughter and my own mother is 86 and frail.

After seeing aunt we called in my mother who needed a few jobs doing and the we drove home. It was a full day.

Do you love her?
If yes, visit.

Yes. But I find the visits emotionally draining. I am appalled a human can live like that for so long. I’d rather be dead. But she is content.

its a sense of guilt that drives me to visit. I suppose I am projecting how I would feel in her position. My Dad died 16 years ago and one of the last things he said was to keep up contact with her.

Does that mean that this is the first time you have visited her in the 5 years since she moved into her current nursing home? If so, it doesn't seem like you are close enough to expect to be a contact person for the home she is in. That's probably why your aunt seems puzzled by your need to know what's going on with her. I think you need to speak to your cousin really, even if you don't like him, and let him know that you would like to know if anything happens to your aunt.

@RoachFish don’t be ridiculous. I go every few months. If staff cared to look through the visitor book they would see that. I am limited by my own circumstances. Cousin drives. He sees her once a month.

the people who constantly show up are the son of her friend (deceased)He brings her the tv times every Friday . Her old boss also visits every 2 weeks.

You are being silly.

You only visit every few months and it’s not possible for every staff member to remember every family member.

If the old care home didn’t pass your details on then it’s a pain but no harm done as now your details have been added.

This was on you to check they had your up to date details if you wanted them to involve you in any updates.

It sounds like you’re trying to find an excuse to be annoyed with someone which would result in you not needing to visit.

If your cousin is next of kin and has POA I’m not sure that the home has a duty to contact you in the event of her passing?
If the care home don’t know who you are, it’s because you visit infrequently. In my experience, staff in residential homes quickly become familiar with family or friends who visit often.
If you want to continue to visit your aunt, by all means do so. It seems that you’re more annoyed you don’t feel that you’re being given the recognition you think you deserve.

Your Dad asked you to visit so unless he’s left an enormous list of requests then I’d do that for him. Being the sort of person you’d like to be is not a casual thing. It involves turning up and putting the time in.

I mean if you only visit every few months and no one in the care home knows who you are… what are you hoping for exactly? Visit if you want and don’t visit if you don’t want to, you’re an adult and it’s up to you to decide if you want to honour your late dads request- not the opinion of random strangers on the internet.

Sorry I didn't mean to be ridiculous or offend you, it was just that you said she had been there since beginning of the pandemic and that you just met the person who is in charge now so I thought that meant you hadn't been there before.

Is there any way you can rebuild at least a cordial relationship with your cousin? You have a join relative that is at the end of life and he might appreciate a bit of help too when it comes to organise the care, funeral etc.

Answering points made by previous posters. You are right care home do not have a duty to contact me as I’m not next of kin .

I can still feel hurt my cousin has omitted me from the narrative. I feel unseen. I was an important part of my aunt’s life when she lived independently but cousin wouldn’t have been around to see that as he was an adult when I was born.

I need to write to my cousin telling him I want to know if my aunt’s health changes and I want to be told of the funeral plans when the time comes.

Visits, I should work on not feeling so guilty. My aunt is content in her care home and my cousin did make the best choices for her. The fact I would hate to live like that is irrelevant.

What an odd post. Why would you expect staff to remember you?

She's a bed ridden old woman probably in some cognitive decline and perhaps sick of living and that is giving her a dark sense of humour, just let it wash over you and just visit when you can,

OK your cousin wasn't bothered to include you but it doesn't sound like he likes you that much and you him. The staff no who you are now.

You want the staff to remember you by looking up a visitors book.

Surely your aunt decided who was nominated as next of kin and POA though?

@Maddy70 you have misunderstood. I am upset at my cousin for basically erasing me from history. He organised aunt’s transfer of care home so he would have been the one who gave background information on her.

He transferred her by taxi the week the country went into lockdown. He didn’t tell me. I found out when I rang previous care home to have a chat with her.

So this poor old lady was forced to move home and instantly not allowed visitors because lockdown. She had to get used to a new bedroom and new staff all in one go with nobody to visit her.

The current home no longer allows relatives to talk on the phone. They used to have a patient phone but not anymore. When my mum or I have phoned they tell us to visit instead. So I have lost phone contact with her.

There are holes in her memory. I wrote her a newsletter. She denied getting it. Then she said if she had received it staff would have put it in her dressing table drawer. Sure enough it was there without envelope. I read the letter again whilst on my visit yesterday. There were big topics in that letter. I told her how my mum had had a stroke and after recovering from that had a near fatal bleed. No reaction I wasn’t sure had she remembered the contents as no surprise or couldn’t give a monkeys. Generally couldn’t give a monkeys sums up her whole vibe. Maybe she is beyond caring whether she sees any of us again.

I don't think your cousin has omitted you, he said she has a neice and your phone number?

@Pootles34 there was no mention of me. The duty manager wrote my name and phone number on Aunt’a care plan yesterday when I visited . The duty manager read out the family history to me. I wasn’t on there. He wrote me in as a post script

She is 96 she maybe can't take in information as well as she used to, go see her but I think you should stop expecting anything from her in return. I can't comment on your cousin but communication is a two way thing, and it doesn't sound like either of you communicate at all, maybe he doesn't think you care ?

She is 96. You say she holes in her memory so doesnt remember everything. She may well be fed up of her own life.

If you genuinely love her and want to visit then keep going. But don't use your assumption that she isnt bothered to not go.

Own the decision you make, don't put it on your cousin or the aunt.

They don't let patients talk on the phone??

I suppose I can imagine reasons for that but it seems pretty crap. Talk to the manager about changing that policy.

Anyway. Visiting a nursing home, especially when you can't go often, is absolutely horrible. Tbh it's not great going often either, though you can feel a bit more in control if youre the main visitor. I would guess that you're always going to feel fairly rubbish after a visit. So try to let go of some of it. She's content. She probably can't take in much verbal information or remember it, so writing her lots of bad news isn't going to work. I haven't even told my mum that her last remaining sister has died. There's always the risk that she will wonder why she's not visiting her, but I felt on balance it would distress her more. If you send things in the post, why not a card or postcard of something nice or funny from her youth? Or just take chocolates.

Do what you can bear to do, and don't feel too much anger to your cousin. It's probably fixed now. If for any reason you don't get to her funeral, ɓest to remember her with your dad.

Thank you for your sensible reply

She always wanted a long life but she is probably sick of living by now . Dark humour and a sod it attitude are probably getting her through

Presume you've never worked in a care home? The staff don't have time to drink water on a boiling hot summers day and certainly won't be scrutinising the visitors book!

@Anywherebuthere fair comment 👍🏻

We discovered recently that omitting family members from the care plan isn't uncommon. In the months before his death FIL was moved from pillar to post, and every time only the relative who was there for the admission or transfer would be mentioned in the notes. This was easily rectified as both DH and SIL were frequent and proactive visitors, but it would be very easy to feel, or in fact be, airbrushed out if you weren't able to be as involved.