difficult, irrational, judgemental and demanding DM vs me trying sort out my life

[pivonya]

I recently got divorced and got caught up in a difficult new relationship. Then I had health problems, job loss so a lot on my plate atm. My DM has always been manipulative and as I child I was constantly adhereing to her moods and never really able to be myself. I am in therapy finally which really helps me. I am 46 my DM is 86. We live very far away from each other. I moved out at 21 for a reason. When I go to visit which is usually twice a year she bosses me around, is confrontational, conceited about everything and difficult to communicate. Of course we have lovely moments but I am mainly managing difficult situations. Anything I say is wrong but if a stranger told her the same thing it would be the best idea ever. I still at 46 need to mould to her daily moods and basically agree to everything for the peace. However when I speak to her over the phone she is completely incapable to do anything, moans all the time and complaints how everyone has a helpful son in law, grandchildren (dig I am divorced and childless) to help at little things. She has expressed her wish for me to be nearby as to buy a property where she is and be available. I can not do it and do not want to do it. I just retrained and started new career 6 months ago, I am divorced trying to find love and repair my financial situation. To do what she wants me to do I would have to be unemployed (I can not do my job where she is) and I would have to completely change my life which is not something I want to do after traumatic divorce. I know that if I was anywhere near there she would be on my case daily. She is at the stage where she and her problem are the most important. Nothing else matters. When she does not get her way she can have a tantrum. I have witnessed her tantrums and it shocked me. It included her laying on the floor with tight fists hitting the floor in anger because she is being challenged by a question or there is a request made towards her. Her recent trantrum is that she can not cope with a neighbour having 4am shower so she will sell up and move. This is a person who is not computer literate, doesnt have a smart phone but feels confident selling and buying a property (something she has never done) I know this is all attention seeking behaviour and I really do not want to bend backwards because I had a life of this behaviour and I have enough of my own problems. The selling of the property is out of question as she will only lose money, she has no guarantee what neighbours will she have in the new place, she doesnt even know the property market but has an attitude towards me and even suggest things like I should put my savings into something for her if it would not be enough. She expects I drop everything and come over to sort out her life and move. (this means me not working) I know for a fact she would not survive a move , she tells me how this current situation will kill her and is really over dramatic. She has amazing neighbours where she is now yet is able to moan about literally everyone there. Completely irrational. I know it is my mother but she has been difficult all her life yet she doesnt see it. She has a sister with whom she has not spoken for over 25 years, sister tried to reach out, nobody remebers what the amp is about. I have cousins whom I am not allowed (at 46!) to be in touch with because DM will see it as a betrayal ( no idea why, I like my cousins but keeping distance for peace). She could have a network but with her behaviour managed to isolate people over the years (doesnt see it). She has some new friends she made in the last decade but I can sense that is fading as well. She doesnt recognise her circumstances as living on her own elderly and that in life you can either be right all the time or have peace. At any cost she needs to be right therefore she isolates herself. If she was a bit softer and picked her battles people would be more incline to stick around incl me. My question here is how do you manage sutuations like this. Almost asking for a manual with what to say to her to divert the attention onto something else.

With brass knobs on. Disengage!

Why do you feel that you must call her constantly? She's making your life difficult and yet you seem to welcome the drama. The advice you have been given is to slowly disengage as much. Stop giving her so much information about your life. Stop trying to defend your decisions to her. Stop giving her advice - you know she won't listen.
Does this constant back and forth arguing with her fulfil a need in you?
I'm not being horrible, honestly. I would like you to think about why you aren't listening to people on here who are giving good advice.

How do you deal with it? You accept that your mother is going to "do a mother", and you let her. You accept that you don't need to be involved, and if you do, on your terms.

Call her when you want to call her, if she starts to go off on a tangent and you feel yourself becoming activated then you calmly end the call.

If you're visiting and she throws herself on the floor and starts beating her fists, you calmly get your shit together, say I'm not available for this, you get in the car and you leave.

You need to disengage, and accept that she is not you and you are not her, you sound still very locked into a codependant relationship with her, and things will get easier if you can release your side of this. It's deep and fundamental work and a good therapist could really help a lot.

Didn't you post about this just the other day? You seem to be asking "how can I make my mother be a different person?" on repeat. You can't. No one on Mumsnet can help you other than to give the advice you've already been given many times.

I will try.
I read so much about this behaviour. I am in therapy, I read all the books about narc mothers, codependency etc.
I feel terrorised by this behaviour, like I never know what is going to happen. We set those daily calls in pandemic and it kind of stayed this way but I know if I now introduce a change she will get offended. Yet again.

I am very mistfied by this whole neighbours noise drama because my mother has got substantial hearing loss. She can not hear her phone but can hear someone walking upstairs or running water? Another thing is that before these people moved in which is 7days ago and beyond she would always say to me how she was awake at 3am or 4 am or 5 am. I explained to her it is normal her age specially as she goes to bed at 10. Elderly need less sleep.
What I think is happening is that she wakes up natrually so early yet she blames them and their shower. I can not rationalise it with her as she gets offended. So what will happen is she will create yet another conflict with yet another bunch of people. If she is not careful they will actually deliberatly start winding her up.

Someone asked if I wrote about her before - yes but not that bit that PP asked. I wrote about going there to visit and not having a bed to sleep in becasue she refuses to buy a proper bed knowing I can not sleep on her chaise lounge.

A bit change of topic but I feel so sucked in even this December when I said I may want to spend Christmas 25 with my partner (I spend 3 years in a row with her, not in my home and I miss Christmas my way), she got offended that I do not want to be with her ,my elderly mother'. It is March and I am already dreading December.

So she gets offended. So what?

Stop. Caring.

Harsh but true. If she gets her way about that she will just find something else to be offended about,

As I said to someone else, if she was a bad boss you'd leave and not look back. You wouldn't take abuse from a stranger in the street, why would you listen to your mother abusing you? If she starts abusing you on the phone, put it down.

She's always going to pick on you and bully you. You don't have to do her problem solving for her, you really don't.

Nothing is going to change unless you change. She won't like it, but she doesn't like you anyway so why put up with it.? No-one is going to give you a prize for putting up with her in this life or the next.

Stop calling her every day. Be busy and less available. If she moans, so what!
But mostly read the advice and Drop. The. Rope fgs!

Re christmas - well you've told her so she has plenty of time to make other arrangements before Dec 25th doesn't she!

Great advice on the thread. They dont change. We have put in better boundaries though. My mother doesnt like no. Thats life we all busy Im not always free. Its hard work with elderly

OP it sounds like she's suffocating and has controlled you your whole life. You're stuck as a child feeling powerless over the situation and have learned helplessness.

On the outside it's very easy to see that you're locked in a cage of your own making. You're in your 40s and can't blame her anymore for being in her clutches.

You're now doing it to yourself. You're the one picking up the phone, you're the one fretting about her neighbours and you're the one choosing to spend Christmas with her.

All your posts are about her. You're obsessed with her. Only you can get yourself out of this situation and do something about it.

You are addicted to this drama , think logically if she gets offended what will happen, nothing. Why is her getting offended such a bad thing? why does it have to be avoided at all costs. You are stuck in child mode where her mood could impact you, what can she actually do to you? Nothing, this is all your feelings , feelings and thoughts are not facts. Come on op, disengage and take all the good advice you've had. She won't change.

Stop talking about the neighbour noise, it's not important. You are trying to apply logic where there is none. You may as well ask why can't my dog tapdance.

why can't my dog tapdance! I cant stop laughing

thank you. yes I am locked in this and she knows how to push buttons. it is easier said than done as when she gets offended she (used to) call around - she would call my friend (whom she never met) and speak about me. How did she get her number? She would create a drama where I would have to give her my friend's number 'just in case'. I lost that friend few years ago through exactly that - my DM phoning and talking about me and my life to my friend (a person she never met) and that friend finding it weird. She used to ask my husband what does he see in me as I am such an awful person. It was suppose to be amusing. The behaviour is beyond weird and has been all my life and all I did and do is mould to it for peace becasue she has such a short fuse.

You have correctly identified that your Mum is a bit of a headcase.

And as I'm sure other people have said:
She can't make you do stuff - she can't even make you pick up the phone.
You know she never pays attention to what you say (apart from when she carps about it) so you are free, I think, from pointing out issues with her plans. It's pointless. Let her fail and save your energy.

Do Not Disturb is a great setting on your phone! You can even block her for an evening and unblock the next morning if you like.

One tactic I found very useful, which comes under the umbrella of "grey rock", is not responding to undesirable behaviour. Like "hmm", "huh", or even a stony silence. In the unlikely event this is questioned, "Well, I really didn't know what to say to that!" is a fair reply :)

The other thing is, find out about her childhood. If you understand WHY she got like this, it is a tiny bit easier to cope with the (still unwelcome!) behaviour. Not much, but some.

OP I already feel I know more detail about your mothers traits and woes than it would be reasonable to expect you to know. You are the only one who can sort this out. You need to take some backwards steps.

Mum, we set up this daily call in lockdown and it's no longer working for me. I'll call you once a week from now on.

Mum, just a heads up, I'm not going to be doing overnights at yours any more, the sleeping situation doesn't work for me.

Mum, a word about Christmas, this year I'm going to stay at home with partner, giving you nine months notice so you've got plenty of time to make other plans.

And so on.

And drop the rope. Do not rise to what follows. She might not like it. She might be offended. It's your job now to get comfortable with that. You are in control of creating and maintaining a healthy distance. You have to accept that you're complicit and part of the problem if you do not.

If anyone needs to google the Grey Rock technique. It’s you!!!

You have had good advice on here op. Now act on it! Stop calling her. Stop taking her calls to you. Drop the rope, the sky will not fall in I promise you, and you’ll feel better.

Yes its difficult. You need to have boundaries op. Feel I get run down from it all. Got told dont call this wend. Mood on. You have mind yourself too. Grey rock good. But find if I ignore texts she just texts again..

Sounds very much like my mother. I've now been NC for 5 years and feel so much better for it. My mother fell out with her siblings, and we thus were too scared to respond to an aunt's overtures. We lost contact with all of our many cousins. Mother is now, of course, back in touch with the aunt we were too scared to talk to.

You've been given great advice here. Do get back in contact with your cousins. Life is short, but you've plenty left so concentrate on you. She's had hers.

Harsh to say OP - BUT if you don’t find your inner strength (and boundaries which are created by inner strength) you will stay in victim mode forever. Lots of people do, despite their complaints. People with victim mentality never change or respond to any advice but are stuck in their groove. If you are determined to do that even therapy won’t help you. You will be back here in 6 months with another very similar post. People will probably recognise you even as here. It will go in forever and literally nothing will change.

Agree if we dont make changes ourselves. I stood up to her this week it be a mood for days.. its hard though.

so much good advice

Just make sure you don't kick her when she is balling her fists and lying on the floor as you carefully step over her and head home in silence.

You are far too over-involved OP. Do you really have to visit her? If so I would stay somewhere else, not in her home. She sounds as though she know she can control you, so being off her territoiry will help you. But echoing the other advice on here - you have to dusengage. Change yourself, and others will change how they react to you. There is no other way.

Good luck, I feel for you but only you can make a difference.