Can I refuse to have my mother stay with me?

[Wheatlands]

My mother, aged 97, is currently in a high care unit that she was sent to after spending three weeks in hospital with pneumonia. When my husband called yesterday to ask about the plan for mum, the nurse said they are still giving her antibiotics, and she is having 'mobilisation therapy' and then they will be looking into her discharge. From what the nurse says, they intend to discharge her back to us, but with more carer visits. Before she went into hospital she had one carer visit a day.
Both my husband and I work fulltime. I work from home, but for 10 to 12 hours a day teaching English online and I risk my work if I have to leave a meeting to care for mum.
We have cared for her for 12 years, with her progressively needing more and more care. She falls often and I can't lift her on my own. She is incontinent and even with the nappies, needs a lot of cleaning. She needs attention during the night.
We are both completely exhausted - I have been battling a viral chest infection since before Christmas. I feel completely terrified. I don't want her to come back because we just can't cope any more. There is no other family help available.

Do I have the right to refuse to have her back?

Apologies if I’ve misread some of it. But how were you managing before the hospital admission? You say she needs cleaning lots, attention in the night etc but only one carer visit and you both work ft? No wonder you’re burnt out. I think as she was living woth you prior to the admission it’s normal for them to assume she will return to this arrangement. However it’s perfectly fine for you to say you aren’t coping as her needs are so great and there aren’t sufficient funds to increase care visits. I’m sure the council can pay for a care place (though i don’t think it will be one of the plusher homes). I suggest you arrange a meeting with the person currently in charge on her current unit and explain the situation

I'm so sorry that you are in this very difficult situation op. You will have to be very firm and not back down.

quoting again for @Wheatlands to notice. Make sure she has no keys to your house.

If it’s not legally her home then they cannot force you take her back.

You will need to be firm and state repeatedly that she cannot under any circumstances return to your home because you are unable to provide care and it will not be safe. Emphasise she will not be safe.

Sounds really tough OP

As suggested inform them that you can no longer deal with her needs. I hope you can get something suitable arranged for her.

You have no legal obligation at all to have your mother live with you but you do really need to tell the people caring for her without delay. And, assuming you have a decent loving relationship with your mother (which I do assume given your care for her over 12 years) then no doubt you will want to be involved in her transition to a care home.

Absolutely. You need to say I cannot care for her, she needs to be assessed. I cannot.
because the truth is you can’t. You need your job and you’re already quite ill with the strain which is only going to increase as your mum declines. You cannot do it.

Be prepared for them to be absolutely vile to you and really use every guilt tactic available, in order to try and make you take her home. The reality is you can't do it. Just keep repeating yourself. Best of luck OP.

Absolutely this. If she has house keys with her, remove them asap. It’s not unknown for them to try anyway. You would need to be ‘out’ if this happens, they’re likely to rely on you weakening and accepting her back, however clear you might have made it that you couldn’t do it any more.

Sorry to hear your Mum has not been well OP. It sounds like you’ve done a stellar job looking after her for the past 12 years and it’s come to the point where it wouldn’t be fair on her or yourselves for you to try to do so any further. That is completely understandable and should be explained at the earliest possible point to social team in hospital including the fact that the house belongs to you.

As the house belongs to you and not your Mum there is no way they can force you to take her back. they might suggest it as the best place for her to go whilst waiting for a care home (which you’d have to weigh up the benefits / risks of her staying as an inpatient in an acute medical setting where more likely to catch nasties flu/ covid/ winter bugs etc for potentially weeks / months whilst waiting for a care home to become available) however if she does get discharged back to your home the wait for a care home will likely be longer as she won’t be a priority as she’s not taking up an nhs bed. This is awful to write but it’s the truth of how these decisions have been made.

Can I ask OP have you spoken to your mother about this directly. Does she have mental capacity to make decisions? Does she agree to going into a care facility. If your mum has capacity and says she wants to go back to your home and absolutely doesn’t want to go to a care home that makes it’s more difficult because the social care team do have a duty to respect your mums wishes and can’t put her in a care home against her wishes so it would be helpful (although I understand difficult) if this is the case to explain to Mum that you can’t meet her needs anymore to help with the discharge planning.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and all the best

Can you talk to social services?

It sounds like your present situation is totally unacceptable for your Mum's needs. If she is 97 then I imagine neither you or your OH are particularly young. Being incontinent is a huge factor too and your Mum needs, and deserves, full time professional care where her needs can be met with dignity and in a safe environment.
Make sure that the hospital know the full circumstances at your home and request an urgent SS referral - the cost is not your responsibility either. The state will take her pension from her and supplement the rest of the cost but at least you will know that she is safe, warm and cared for.

And do this NOW, otherwise you Mum will just become an NHS bed blocker

You need to speak to the hospital and be firm that you cannot manage her care needs at home. You're both working full time. They may try and pressure you to take her but you need to keep repeating that you are not able to manage her needs at home and she needs to be discharged to a care home.

It's all a bit messy isn't it? It's not 100% clear but does your mother have any claim to the home you're living in? If it's your names and not her's on the rental agreement then I'd guess that you have every right to refuse to have her back. However if she does have any claim to the house then she has every right to move back there. You can refuse to care for her but you can't refuse her access to her own home. Really tricky as it will all depend on whether your property is regarded as her home as well iyswim.

As pp have said I would make very clear to the hospital staff that you can't meet her needs and this will trigger a full needs asseassment at least.

Heck this care crisis will get worse as people are living longer into advanced old age.

They try to save the very old, but what is quality of life?

Okay, you really will need an iron will here. Simply refuse to have her at your home but you will need to tell them now so they can factor it into discharge. They will try every guilt trick known to man as they need the bed, but you MUST stay firm. Just repeat ad nauseam that it is you/DH house, your mum does not have a house and you/DH can no longer have her at your house. Repeat ‘it’s not suitable/that won’t work for us’ until you are blue in the face. Essentially, what this will boil down to is whose will bends first, and trust me (worked in hospital system for decades), they are absolute professionals at trying to steamroll you to get her back into your house. Stand firm.

I'm sorry you're in this position OP.

When my Mum was in hospital her GP told me to make say I wouldn't be caring for her when she was discharged. He warned me I would be pressured and made to feel terrible but to stand my ground.

He was right, one of the doctors spoke to me and said Mum would be discharged at the end of the week. Bearing in mind Mum was barely conscious, had heart and kidney failure and was blind I have no idea how she expected me to care for her. She wasn't happy when I said no, I wouldn't be caring for Mum and told me she would have to get social services involved, as if it was some sort of punishment rather than in Mum's best interests. I was very glad that her GP had prepared me though.

And do this NOW, otherwise you Mum will just become an NHS bed blocker

And this. Do it now to do the right thing by them.

You need to speak up OP and tell the hospital you can’t meet her needs within your home. They may be assuming she lives in her own home. Speak to carers resource and get their help x

Best for both of you

Why is it always the DD or DIL that ends up doing the care? When my MIL needed care there was absolutely no suggestion that my BIL or DH give up their jobs to look after her!

As others have already said, you need to say that you can no longer care for your mother and it will be an unsafe discharge if she returns to your home. Is your DH more assertive than you? He could meet with them and tell them that you are too unwell to even be at the meeting, let alone do any further caring.

She may be eligible for fast track end of life medical care in a home which you do not have to pay for.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/nhs-continuing-healthcare-fast-track-pathway-tool/fast-track-pathway-tool-for-nhs-continuing-healthcare-guidance

My DF had this when he was dying of heart failure. He only had 11 days in the home but the care was wonderful, and he had a good death, and my DM and I could not have met his needs at home.

I didn't even know this existed- a local charity helped us with the red tape.

The South African side of thing shouldn't be a problem if she's British. The main thing is to tell the hospital sw that you can't care for her any more and it's not possible to discharge her back.

Have a look at what care facilities are close to you and take publicly funded residents - some are a mix of both public and private. You'll have to go through social work to get a place but it's more about moving that debate on so it's where she's getting moved to, rather than having her back with you.

It'd also be useful to look out any relevant paperwork, bank statements, your mum's ID, your lease etc. Things you might need to evidence your DM's financial and housing situation.

You could also speak to your own GP saying you physically can't do it any more and get help with the anxiety, which you can then use to back up your refusal to do any more caring.

It sounds like she's had a really good run of things with living with you and you helping her out financially and with caring for 12 years, which is far more than most people get.