Can I refuse to have my mother stay with me?

[Wheatlands]

My mother, aged 97, is currently in a high care unit that she was sent to after spending three weeks in hospital with pneumonia. When my husband called yesterday to ask about the plan for mum, the nurse said they are still giving her antibiotics, and she is having 'mobilisation therapy' and then they will be looking into her discharge. From what the nurse says, they intend to discharge her back to us, but with more carer visits. Before she went into hospital she had one carer visit a day.
Both my husband and I work fulltime. I work from home, but for 10 to 12 hours a day teaching English online and I risk my work if I have to leave a meeting to care for mum.
We have cared for her for 12 years, with her progressively needing more and more care. She falls often and I can't lift her on my own. She is incontinent and even with the nappies, needs a lot of cleaning. She needs attention during the night.
We are both completely exhausted - I have been battling a viral chest infection since before Christmas. I feel completely terrified. I don't want her to come back because we just can't cope any more. There is no other family help available.

Do I have the right to refuse to have her back?

Get the ward managers on side, hospital social workers can be something else when it comes to telling big fat outrageous lies. Take notes of all conversations.

You will have to fight very hard and keep repeating yourself over and over again. We cannot meet her needs, keep her safe, house is completely unsuitable etc etc
I had to go through this with my mother on behalf of my 93 year old dad. Between us, we just couldn't cope/keep her safe any more.
Because it's going to be council funded you're probably going to have to fight even harder. The hospital just want her gone which is understandable if she's medically recovered from the pneumonia but would agree with everyone else, do not have her home as the authorities will wash their hands of you all.

Any communicate is about how they are going to find her a suitable place. As soon as they talk about assessing your home or aiding you in any way you say no, the plan cannot involve us or our home.

You will be the enrichment to your mum's life. Someone will provide the care she needs and you will be available to brighten her day.

Definitely contact them and tell them you won't be able to take care of her anymore so she cannot be brought back to your house. My mum cared for my step-dad for 18 years - spent 7 of those years constantly telling social services she couldn't cope any longer but noone listened to her so she plodded along despite the fact he needed 24/7 care! She finally had a complete breakdown and he was taken away by ambulance into respite and is now in a home and two years later she is still mentally and physically recovering from it. It should NEVER get to that point! So make sure you don't let that happen to you.

You need to speak to her social worker and request that her Care Plan is reviewed and updated. This will be you opportunity to make it official that you can't have her back as you cannot provide the required degree of care in your home. In the meantime you need to stand firm to the hospital Discharge Team that you're not accepting her back. Once she's medically fit and on the DTOC list you will come under a lot of pressure to accept her back.

You can initiate some of this by requesting a contact with someone from the Discharge Team now. Make it clear to them that you can no longer accommodate her needs at home, and that way both you and the hospital will be putting pressure on the LA to find a care home place in readiness for discharge.

Honestly, then we wonder why the system is broken. Pneumonia used to be called 'old mans' friend' for a reason

My experience is they will pressure you to take her back. The reality is you have no legal obligation to do so. You just need to be firm saying ‘no. We can’t manage’ until it sinks in. Good luck.

And order that new furniture for your living room because that is what it is going forward.

Of course the authority is obliged to take care of her, she's homeless, no assets, on pension credits. Don't back down.

Absolutely. Speak to the discharge team (can sometimes be an individual) and they will speak to a social worker who is based on the hospital or allocated to patients there and you will then have a planning meeting

or you can just ring social worker yourself and alert them and they will pick up your mum that way

Yes the council will have to fund. It isn't in her best interests to return to you if you can't provide her with care, nor can you be forced to have her live with you

Absolutely this regards the enrichment

I think some posters need to remember the fact that the OPs mother has already lived with her for 12 years . She may not be on the lease etc but any bills she has will come to the address and if she votes then she will be registered at the address .Hopefully the SS will agree that she needs more care than can be provided at home however if they feel a care package is more appropriate the OP may come under some scrutiny wrt how the home finances have worked for the last 12 yrs . I hope it works out for you @Wheatlands .

Tell them you can no longer manage looking after her and don't engage over discharge.

The care assessor talks shite. By law you have to try for the patient’s best interests but those interests don’t outweigh other people’s.

Funny how the NHS forgets the second half of the law when they want rid.

DM is the hospital’s responsibility not yours - remind them. Don’t take her back.

You will have no obligation to pay for her at all

unless her assets were sold when you came to care for her

When you are dealing with all of this please remember that you have your mother's best interests at heart. Even when it feels that you are being heartless or selfish - you are not! You may benefit from whatever is put in place, but your mother will benefit the most.

Many of the people that you are about to deal with absolutely do not have your mother's best interests at heart and certainly do not have yours and it will be in their interest to make you feel as shitty as possible. Just hold on to your knowledge of what is best for your mother.

Good luck.

You can absolutely refuse for her to come back to you.

It sounds like she would be best in some form of care where she can be supported as needed

If she has no funds, she would be assessed via Social Care - assuming you're in the UK, you wouldn't be asked to fund her care, the LA would deal with this.

Well there is no question then of paying and they can’t force her to come home to your home because it is in no way her home legally in terms of finances. They won’t force her on you in my experience. You were helping her out and no longer can. I’m not sure about the South Africa bit in terms of a funding.

Yes! Exactly this unless there is an issue about not being uk resident..even then 🤷‍♀️

Just wanted to say a massive well done op, you've done a huge thing looking after her for so long. I certainly couldn't do that. It's time now to give yourself permission to say no more of this, so that you can enjoy her company knowing that she's having her needs safely met by professionals. You've done more than enough. Good luck

You can absolutely refuse to have her back. They will apply a lot of pressure to get you to change your mind so be strong.

You are not able to provide the amount of care that you mother needs. She did not have a home to sell when she moved in with you, so there was no deprivation of assets.

@Wheatlands this. There is no alternative or middle ground. Its this now.

Hold firm. And I would personally make sure she hasn't got any keys to your house. A friend came home from work one day to find her mum tucked up in the spare bed. Ambulance had delivered her "home". Took another fall a week later to get her back into the system.

Exactly this. I don’t think they meant anything about you being forced. What they mean is if that if your home was your mums legal home (she had contributed with her assets and had a right) and she was entitled to be in it they would fight for that as should be. But it isn’t her legal home, she is staying with you and you’ve been helping her out and can no longer and they will understand that

great. This will make things easier for yourself.