Can I refuse to have my mother stay with me?

[Wheatlands]

My mother, aged 97, is currently in a high care unit that she was sent to after spending three weeks in hospital with pneumonia. When my husband called yesterday to ask about the plan for mum, the nurse said they are still giving her antibiotics, and she is having 'mobilisation therapy' and then they will be looking into her discharge. From what the nurse says, they intend to discharge her back to us, but with more carer visits. Before she went into hospital she had one carer visit a day.
Both my husband and I work fulltime. I work from home, but for 10 to 12 hours a day teaching English online and I risk my work if I have to leave a meeting to care for mum.
We have cared for her for 12 years, with her progressively needing more and more care. She falls often and I can't lift her on my own. She is incontinent and even with the nappies, needs a lot of cleaning. She needs attention during the night.
We are both completely exhausted - I have been battling a viral chest infection since before Christmas. I feel completely terrified. I don't want her to come back because we just can't cope any more. There is no other family help available.

Do I have the right to refuse to have her back?

Yes they will pay and should do!
It’s better to have nothing - the care home care is identical for private patients as council funded patients. Same bed, same food etc.

I think it is difficult to say no however it certainly seems you will be unable to care at home and work. You have to be quite firm - see your GP to get them on board. The council will fund her in a home if she has no savings and she will be assessed for aids she will need in the home.

Go onto the Age UK website where all the details of care funding are fully explained. If she has little in the way of assets then the LA needs to pay for her care following a financial assessment - she will be assessed to pay part of her income. Speak to LA social services department now, so plans can be put in place.

It sounds as though you are living together. Is that right?

I wish this were the case but not all care homes accept LA funded residents. Those that do tend to be at the budget end of the market. So the OP would need to check that when choosing a care home for her DM.

Just as an FYI to the room: Carer's allowance is a slave labour rate of £81.90 a week. Resist getting into the situation where you are a full time carer for your loved one if you possibly can. Again, inertia is a thing here and if you do it and decide you can't cope later on it's like getting blood out of a rock to get any funded help.

Yes as per my pp this is my thinking too. Nobody has a legal obligation to care for someone even if they're NOK. However, if a person wants to live in their own home and has the capacity to make this decision then they have this right as well even if it's an unwise decision. It's really not black and white.

It's really sad that our social care system is in such a state but I think we also have to remember that in many cultures/countries there isn't anywhere near the level of care that the UK provides. This is both because there aren't the funds and culturally the expectation is that younger family members care for their loved ones. Not saying either is right or wrong just something to bare in mind

I don't disagree with this.
I think one problem is that any kind of letting people die feels like a very slippery slope to 'euthanizing everyone once they get to 72'.
The very unpalatable truth is that we do not have the manpower or the money to provide for the needs of ever increasing numbers of our increasingly fail elderly.

I would think that in this situation OP could successfully argue that the home is not their relative's own home, and I have never heard of any legal obligation for ANYBODY to fund another person's care. I'm not legally qualified though so I'm not sure. Age UK would be able to tell you.

the care home care is identical for private patients as council funded patients. Same bed, same food etc. - that is sort of true.

When seeking a nursing home for my OH it was very clear that some homes were better than others. The LA have a ceiling beyond which they will not pay, so those who are being funded by the LA go to the less good homes.

Relatives can "top up" what the LA pays if they want their loved one to go to a better home. I did this - in fact my "top up" was about 10 times the amount the LA was paying! - bit of a joke really.

It sounds as though your mum might qualify for NHS Continuing Care Funding - but since she is below the LA financial threshold it will be up to the LA to argue the toss with Health.

Her needs are high. What’s best for her is that these are met. You are unable to meet them to a safe and satisfactory standard. Therefore it’s in her best interests to be cared for in a care home.

Don’t let them guilt you into taking on something that is not best for your mum and will break you and leave you more likely to need care later in life.

It's a bit concerning that you didn't appear to know you can refuse discharge to your home or who'd have to fund her care, OP, because this makes you exactly the type they'll work hardest on to get precisely this

PPs aren't exaggerating about what you'll be promised if you'll agree; it'll be everything from countless carer visits to extensive support for you, and all of it can be snatched back on the stroke of a pen - and that's in the vanishingly unlikely event it ever arrived in the first place

The word you're looking for is "no". Not "but they promised ..." or "they said they'd sort it out", but just plain NO because the alternative is unthinkable

Say no and keep saying no.
When my Granny died Grandad rotated living with his children. After he'd had a stroke and was hospitalised they tried everything to get my DF to have him. Despite the fact that my DF was a farmer, out 12 hours a day, before mobile phones. This meant that my DM was supposed to be able to care for an 82 year old, semi paralysed 18 stone man alone. I still remember my DF raising holy hell at the hospital.
The advice from our family doctor 'if they bring him in an ambulance hide behind the sofa till they sod off. Do not answer the door' .

Just to add OP, do not let them 'guilt' you into changing your mind.

Proper care is in your mum's best interests - not just yours. A dedicated team will afford her far more dignity and time than someone juggling full time work. You are not abandoning her - you are doing what is best for her.

Yes. Much easier to add something in from your side later down the line than take something away.

💯

Yep. My mother is in her 90s, in a care home, catheterised, bed bound, has to be hoisted to the toilet or left to soil herself, and recently had a pace-maker fitted! Great use of NHS resources. And she moans all the time "why am I still here?! I'd have been happy to go at 80". Seems madness to me that they talked her into a pacemaker.

This is not true. You are entitled to a carer's assessment at the very least. If your mother does not have any financial interest in the home then you can refuse to have her back on the basis that you can no longer provide the care that she needs. Stand your ground on this one.

sending you hold hands.

The local council will asses her funds, her pension credits or other she gets will be taken towards her care and they may top it up. Normally you get two options of care home, but council funded my not be as amazing as you expect. I’ve had to do this twice now and it’s not fun.

Not RTFT but of course your needs matter to. You should have been told how to get a carer’s assessment. This website might be helpful.

https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/coming-out-of-hospital/

Echoing what everyone else has said here.
You need to be firm. Very firm.
No we cannot accommodate her at home any longer unfortunately. On repeat.
Stand strong. Do not let them guilt you into having her back.

You need to find her alternative accommodation then. They will discharge back to you as that's her previous abode otherwise.

No she doesn’t.

You are not correct.

again not true.