Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

emotionalblackmail totally this while the kids were cute and small. Now they are teen s and no relationship at all.
FIL has moved in with us to recover from heart attack in September. His family are selling his house and have bought a new one near us. Trouble is, we seem to have got to a point of stuck - FIL would like to put down new floors, redecorate, but he has no money until the sale of his house.
So we seem to have got stuck.
I am going mad as I am the main one booking appointments etc, DH goes to his very important job.
DS is asking when FIL will go.
i am very fucked off. I don’t want to be an unpaid carer. And I RESLLY don’t want SIL to be saying how grateful she is, and should she fly over to help? Fuck OFF.

This is the best I've seen this dynamic described.

"It's easier for the elderly person if they refuse to plan and their daughter then steps up to sort everything out"

Sums it up!

Do you ever despair with the immediacy of the problems that crop up and the fact that everything is apparently an emergency and thus requires an immediate or next day trip to sort something?

The latest ‘emergency’ is nothing medical or of any immediate concern, but could do with being looked at this week. But the fact I’m already going for the full day on Thursday to meet another tradesperson, deposit her on a form of public transport and do the usual weekly chasing of death admin from DF’s death isn’t soon enough. I’ve just said I can’t answer the phone for the next 3 days at work and if anything is being done before that, she’ll have to organise it. It’s still pressed all of my buttons enough to annoy me this evening though.

Yes @Earlydarkdays . FIL called DH yesterday morning while he was in the garden- their garden actually, clearing piles of brambles. I was out so didn’t hear the calls. Missed calls 9:24, 9:25, 9:26… you get the picture. DH went round as soon as he got the rambling voice messages about need help now, your mum… turns out golden BIL (very shoddily) did some DIY that lasted less than 24 hrs and it needed sorting. DH had a look, can’t do it because of physical limitations with his arm, not urgent or dangerous, will have to wait until BIL next graces them with his presence.

Sorry, final sentence was supposed to be that it’s urgent when it’s a finger click at DH but if it needs golden BIL then it’s suddenly not even urgent enough to mention, far less call and pull the lifeline about.

Yes my DDad is very like that small jobs that need doing right away with no recognition that you have a life.

Told DH the other day that his garden furniture needed painting right now please. Can't be due to lack of paint and building work outside, let alone DH having time to do it but he just couldn't accept that at all even after the explanation.

I think it is the only way he feels he can exert some control over his life, is to make everything exactly so, when things are not as he feels they should be it dysregulates him. I should add he is also likely neurodiverse so very rigid anyway and getting worse with age.

MIL has to put eye drops in 4 times a day in anticipation of her cataract operation. Of course she doesn't need to learn how to do it herself as "you'll always be round to do it".

I do wonder if having the comfort of family or friends on call means that some elderly people find it easier to just give up trying and learn new things. Mums decline was noticeable after dad died and she could stay in bed all day if she wanted without anyone knowing. Dad, bless him, had a thing about keeping his brain active and even after his strokes still read the paper and attempted the crossword every day and watched all the day time quiz programs. He used to grumble about mum being lazy and not even trying to understand how her mobile phone worked, even 20+ years ago so well before she got dementia. He subscribed to “use it or lose it” when it came to ageing and mental acuity, and his cognitive decline at the end was relatively mild in the grand scheme of things, especially considering his history of strokes. Whereas mum appeared to think “fuck it” and we are where we are with her dementia.

i know that’s purely anecdotal, but as someone who has a mix of both their genetics I’m leading very much towards adopting dad’s philosophy as I age! I don’t have children of my own, and while I have a very cordial relationship with DSC, I married DH later in life and DSC were older and have never lived with us, just visited. I was recently introduced to one new partner as “funnel, dad’s wife” - not stepmother (which I was totally fine about, I can’t claim the privilege of any kind of motherly relationship with them). So I know I’m on my own if DH dies first. I was quite an independent woman when I was single so I’m not fazed by the idea of being on my own again and am determined that I will try to avoid all the common pit falls that mum fell into.

mind you, mum said lots when her mother was ageing, and yet did nothing to prepare herself except the PoA. Which I think is the official, legal, up front declaration that “funnel will sort it all out” .

Yes, the missed calls with 2 seconds between them that make you think something is life or death, but it’s actually something that could wait until next month!

I then found my DF would oddly not tell mean something actually was life or death until he was absolutely sure he couldn’t deal with it himself- he never wanted to be a bother but that came with it’s own problems with his health! Made me panic less than DM’s emergency panics that have yet to be an emergency though!

I think @Choconuttolata is right when you say it’s an element of needing to control part of their life when it is very hard to due to health etc. It must be so difficult with that for people struggling with health changes. I really do hope I remember this when I am an elderly parent myself though!

My DH has always done the urgent phone call about something that isn't so I dread to think what he will be like when he's old. The most memorable occasion was when he couldn't get hold of me so called the venue where I was at a horse show and asked them to get me to call home. He wanted to know how we were getting to the airport for a trip. It was May. The trip was in October. I made it clear I was not happy told him I would discuss it in August and not before.

I used the words, 'use it or lose it' today. Since being out of hospital DM is getting neighbours to do a lot more and not moving half as much because it is difficult. She thinks current troubles are temporary and doesn't grasp that a downward trajectory is likely and will fasten with the less she does. One of the carers has also told her she should be fine at home with some adaptations (not realising how much help she needs). We'd just started talking about the benefits of a care home, but now she thinks all is fine

Comedy moment- MIL to DH ‘ooh you’re a nice looking young man, you’ve got nice legs’ 🙄🤣

@EveningSherry I found it frustrating to have all our groundwork undermined by someone who has spent relatively little time with the person and is all ‘you’ll be fine with x or y’. Then you have to get x or y in place just to prove it’s not the magic solution.

@SockFluffInTheBath I imagine that was rather uncomfortable for your poor DH but that did make me laugh!

@EveningSherry yes my Dad has regressed quite fast and stopped trying to do as much for himself since coming out of hospital. The reablement team were quite good at pushing him to do more, but the carers just step in because it is easier. The less they do the faster they lose the skills and then it is hard to get that independence back.

@FiniteSagacity yes people who have no idea of the day in day out level of need undoing what you have carefully arranged. My brother very nearly sabotaged all my attempts to get care in place for DDad before he came out of hospital, but had a) no idea of his true level of need and b) would not have hung around to pick up the pieces when it all went to shit.

@SockFluffInTheBath 😂

When the hospital initially wanted to release DM after falling and I was arguing for her to stay in, DB blithely said to the doctor ‘I’ll take tomorrow off and look after her’. And what happens the day after?
At that point she hadn’t put any weight on her leg after falling. Ten days on she’s managing about 20 steps with a walker but we’re still waiting for a space in the reablement ward.

This is what I’m up against. My dad agreed to have a phonecall with me to discuss getting extra support. Which made me hope that he might agree to something. Nope. “Don’t need it, I’m managing.”

What about doing things now to make things easier in the future, rather than waiting till a crisis? No answer.

So either he’s completely in denial (plus a stubborn old bugger) or he’s perfectly happy to leave me to deal with a scenario where he drops dead and someone has to sort out emergency admission of my mum into a care home and there’s no one with PoA to deal with the financial side.

My dad refused for years to get a will made, it drove mum bonkers. She wore him down in the end! Really simple ones that leave everything to the surviving spouse and then when the other goes anything left is split equally between me and db. But he would not acknowledge the difficulties caused when someone dies intestate, and I think it was only when mum had to deal with a series of deaths of elderly relatives with no children that he saw how much work it was, even with a will.

For some reason he thought it was morbid and bad luck. He lived another 15 years after the wills were made so i think that dispels that myth! It was the only planning he ever made, he refused to contemplate downsizing and was very fortunate that mum was a bit younger than him and in good health when he declined, and his needs were relatively minor.

i still miss the stubborn old bugger very much, but I can’t deny that his refusal to acknowledge his old age didn’t then have an impact on mum. By the time she was widowed she wasn’t able to face downsizing, whereas she would have been persuadable 10 years earlier.

Me too. This is exactly what my mother and father did. No plan at all and then shock and awe tactic, "We are moving 10 minutes from you, sort it out,, you have to be company for your mother,". He died 2 years ago. Just recovering from six years being on the back foot, feeling not entirely sane for a lot of that time. On reflection, I think I would say to myself in 2018, "They won't make choices, so they will have to live with yours. So go ahead and make them." They would have been kind choices for my parents anyway, but not the ones forced on me which had me sacrificing my own household's health, finances, careers and relationships. You have my sympathy.

@Thoseshoeslookcomfy that sounds awful. So sorry you've had to endure that. It is staggering what parents will do to their adult children. I'm attempting to take a step back (until next crisis). If DM insists she can make it work in her own home, then I can't spend every day anxious and with a knot in my stomach. She has a cleaner/gardener and I will visit once a week for odd jobs, organise her food and call most days, but I have to live my life. No doubt I'll have to sort some things out (attendance allowance forms are on my to-do list), but I can't be responsible for her and she'll have to hire private carers if necessary. It sounds harsh, but it's all I have the capacity for at the moment.

EveningSherry, thank you. What you are saying about your situation isn't harsh. Read your post back to yourself and look at what you're committing to. What practicality and thoughtfulness. Don’t undervalue it or everyone else will too. And don't put yourself last. It creeps up on you if you let it. Your phrase "anxious and a knot in my stomach" rang very true. I still get that... Keep going and here's a flower for you!🌷

@EveningSherry not harsh at all, if one of us had written that would you say we were harsh? Your DM has chosen this situation for you both, be kind to yourself.

The knot in the stomach is so real @EveningSherry. I’ve had to do the stepping back at times.
I’m trying to look on the current crisis as a blessing in disguise. DM is safe and warm and being fed in hospital (albeit with a dose of Covid but seems to be recovering well). With luck we’ll get a proper care system in place when she comes home.
Meanwhile I’m in her house giving it a damn good clean and whoopee, the washing machine has just flooded the kitchen. Good times.

And whoopee twice , I’ve just tested positive for Covid.

@EveningSherry you have to do what is right for you. I have had to learn this as I will naturally feel guilty and try to jump in to rescue the situation, but I have to put my own family and children first.

Our elders are free to make their own choices (and mistakes) and when the inevitable crisis happens you hope that they learn from it and become more open to accepting outside help.

@BestIsWest I hope you are not feeling too awful. It is frustrating isn't it when you try to do one job and then something else goes wrong in the process due to ageing appliances or lack of maintenance. At least you know your Mum is being looked after at the moment so you can take a few days to recover properly. Just make sure that you keep in phone contact with the hospital to find out what is going on as when DDad was in they suddenly started organising a sudden discharge home with no care in place as soon as I was too unwell to visit him to keep an eye on their plans.

Look after yourself, hope you don’t feel too grotty.