Just popping in for a quick reviving drink and to see how everyone is. I had a quick skim read and saw usual problems, no surprise, but I hope the home is working out @funnelfan and all the arguments about discharge and GPs and SS just assuming family can appear as if by magic and pick the pieces are not still on going. Wishful thinking I expect. MiL died over 8 months ago now, visit to the memorial garden for ashes only just organised for various reasons - slight issue that DH wanted only the three children but one 'in law' seems to have invited themselves and chose the date. I am not going, that wasn't the plan - but now it might look odd that I am not. Ironically many will remember I saw 10 times more of MiL than her family, and slightly more than DH - who to be fair was a very regular visitor when she was in and out of hospital and in the nursing home, always making sure she had a visitor to look forward to whether she knew it or not. Some may remember two weeks before she died I sat in on an assessment about continuing health care funding, where of course the NHS representative/lead would try their hardest to say she did not qualify and we weren't at end of life, the social services lady wanted a fight over it - I admired her. By the time the lead was back from holiday MiL had died, in the nursing home, peacefully - funny that he didn't think she was ill enough for NHS funding.... Reading the posts on here takes me back to the appalling discharge from hospital situations, the tears, the frustration, the rudeness of some staff and every now and then an absolute star who was kind and honest. The SW who visited, telling my husband she was visiting his aunt (different surname as MiL remarried so caused confusion, but surely the notes would have been clear) and told him as MiL had capacity he didn't need to be present - but agreed he could be - turned out to be one of the stars. Within 10 minutes she said she needs a nursing home, she doesn't have capacity - this was just weeks after hospital discharged her based on a made up story she told them about her house and her husband and previous notes that said her son lived with her!!! So those of you going through, keep going, I hope you find a star who cares about the person not the costs... Now I am beginning to see the decline in my own parents, familiar early warning signs - DM who repeats the same questions over and over, blames lack of understanding or hearing on the phone, father who gets things a little confused particularly dates and then repeats the wrong information to my mother. The car has gone, a relief tbh, but they feel isolated in their village with is poor bus service (not that DM could get on the bus without lots of help). Demands to visit them more often, which we can do more easily as we no longer have to worry about MiL, but, only at weekends and two nights is enough all round. DH says he gets bored of hearing same stories over and over about people he's never heard of - mostly old friends and people in village, many of whom I have never met either. DS gets very frustrated with DM and sides with DD on everything, she doesn't see it is aging and corrects and argues.... DM is a single minded person and DD can be weak but also wants to be centre of attention at all times!! I feel when the time comes I have more experience now about what help is needed and where to get it, luckily they have the funds to pay for lots of help, they have a cleaner and a gardener and kind neighbours - but the distance is a worry. I feel for those of you who have a long journey and are expected by GPs and SS to drop everything to fill the gaps. MiL's last year was not fun, visiting her became more and more stressful and upsetting, the last visit I left the room and didn't see her again after she was convinced I was the women who stole her first husband, sweating and screaming at me. I knew it was aimed at me, but her getting so upset was horrid for all. Today I am going through more boxes, sorting bits for charity again.... I need to get it down to one small plastic crate that DH can keep.
sorry long message..... extra long coffee and peice of cake....
good luck all, don't give in where there may be help, don't take anything to heart said by someone whose brain is shutting down .... I know now that I was really stressed and struggling, I bored everyone to death with my moan and worries, there was no support offered to me as the unpaid secondary carer and I see that now and how I got upset by small things and frustrated by it all, others have had to cope for far longer and take on far more - my best wishes are with you