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Elderly parents
Original poster

How to stop 92 year old from driving

177 replies

bigboots303 · 28/12/2024 15:27

I know this has been well discussed before, so I am throwing my hat in the ring as well.
My dad is 92 years and still drives. Loves it!
I am obsessed with the idea that he should stop now. It is causing some heated debates because he is resisting my strong persuasive arguments. He doesnt want to change his habits or life, which involves lots of driving.
I love my dad and hate to upset him but I really feel his age makes him less capable at driving. The natural age-related loss of balance, coordination and slowing of reflex and reaction times make him a risk to others.
How can he possibly be a safe driver at that age? It makes no sense to me, even though he has had a fairly clean driving record.

As for his potential loss of independence, he is recently moved to a nice retirement flat close to family and plenty of taxi firms and even a regular bus from the flats to town. He could adjust I am sure. If he wanted to...
He is quite frail and doddery, which is understandable at his age. He is of sound(ish) mind and has reasonable eyesight. He is very stubborn and I am failing to get through to him. I have tried everything from reasonable debate, tough words, even begging and emotional blackmail.
To no avail. He is unmoved.

I am trying to protect others from what he could cause.
Am I being unfair on him, do you think?

OP posts:
LegoHouse274 · 28/12/2024 17:33

PermanentTemporary · 28/12/2024 17:24

It sounds as if it's not in fact his age exactly, it's his poor cognition and reduced physical strength. Those are perfectly good reasons to be concerned. I think let go of the age argument and focus on something like reaction times.

Thing is those are normal, inevitable parts of ageing though. Of course there is a spectrum of abilities at every age but some pp on this thread are really scarily in denial if they think an average 90+ year old described as 'frail' and with health conditions, with cognitive decline making them so vulnerable that has meant they've been repeatedly scammed, is safe to drive.

The assessment pp have recommended sounds good. If he won't go I would air your concerns to his GP practice.

ButterCrackers · 28/12/2024 17:33

bigboots303 · 28/12/2024 17:00

i appreciate all the replies and views.
it seems that I may be being ageist and unfair to expect my dad to stop driving because he is 92.
i know that he has terrible balance and health issues and my gut feeling is that someone so frail shouldn’t be driving.
but as I am reminded, it’s nots up to me.

You’re not ageist as you have health concerns. Does your dad use garden and diy machinery - I’m thinking hedge trimmers, scrimmers, drills, saws? If he’s stopped this (if he used these before) then do get him to his GP to check on driving abilities. Nothing wrong with a check and the hopefully the all clear.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 28/12/2024 17:35

Ya a fine balance as loss of independence that driving brings could lead to further decline. It also depends on what kind of driving OPs father is doing. Driving at night, in poor weather or during busy times might be more difficult and high risk with slow reaction times.

StiffyByngsDogBartholomewsChristmasBone · 28/12/2024 17:46

pooballs · 28/12/2024 16:35

How can you just ‘take away’ someone’s keys, wouldn’t that be theft?

Nope.
thr offence of theft has 5 points to prove, all of which have to be present. Dishonestly appropriating property belonging to another with the intention of permanently depriving the other of it.
there would be no dishonesty here and as such there can be no offence of theft.
r v Ghosh essentially defines "dishonest" as what an objective person would consider dishonest. I doubt any objective person would consider the op removing keys to prevent an elderly driver from causing an accident to be dishonest.

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 28/12/2024 17:48

Has he had an accident in the last year?
Start campaigning for under 25s to have their license taken off them they’re more likely to have an accident, aren’t they?

OnePeppyDenimHelper · 28/12/2024 17:53

Growlybear83 · 28/12/2024 16:02

I think you're being very unreasonable indeed. Just because someone is in their 90s doesn't necessarily mean they shouldn't be driving. My mum was still fine driving at 92, but then her sight deteriorated rapidly and she was told to stop by the eye clinic around her 93rd birthday. Stopping driving marked a very significant downturn in her life in every way - losing her independence shattered her and I will never forget her face the day I drove her car away from her house. I signed my mum up to Dial a ride, taxi card, and she lived very close to several bus routes, but she didn't ever adjust to using them, and flatly refused to ever try the taxi service. My mum became increasingly isolated and introverted and lost her sense of purpose. Many people of that age have never used taxis and won't start now they're in their 90s, and taking their independence away when it's not necessary is really cruel.

You've not said anything in your post that suggests he is a danger on the roads - certainly no more do than some of the people who have posted on recent driving threads that they are too nervous to go on motorways or drive down country lanes after dark - they are the people who shouldn't be driving, not your dad. Until you have a valid reason to think that he is a danger, other than the fact that he's getting old, I think you should keep out of this.

I counted about 6 reasons in the post why he shouldn't drive.

FizzyBisto · 28/12/2024 17:56

Some 92yos are very poor, even dangerous drivers and really shouldn't be on the road.

Same as some 82yos, 72yos, 62yos, 52yos, 42yos, 32yos, 22yos...

It's true that many people will decide or be advised to give up driving as they get very old, but it's absolutely not a given for everybody. I once saw a documentary about some of Britain's oldest drivers and there was one chap aged 95 who was a racing driver - he regularly raced against drivers who were all several decades younger and he usually finished somewhere mid-table.

Also, look how often people on MN in their twenties, thirties, forties, fifties talk about being terrified of driving at night, on motorways, in busy city centres, unfamiliar journeys, winding country roads etc.

Being frail doesn't necessarily prevent you from being able to drive safely. Nobody is expecting you to MoT, change the tyres, repair or do any of the heavy physical work involved - there are mechanics, breakdown services, younger friends/family, mobile car maintenance services, power steering etc. to do that for you. You may as well say that nobody should drive juggernauts, as they could never possibly lift or move them on their own, without the engine/a very large machine or other vehicle. Stevie Wonder is a brilliant pianist, but he doesn't build his own pianos.

obsessedwithfreshbread · 28/12/2024 17:59

I've a calm sit down with my dad, he had a fairly big car that he was forever scraping, tbf I struggle to drive it and I can drive 7.5t vans no problem.

Everyone around is saying he needs to stop driving altogether and he is adamant he's not.

I came up with a compromise that he buys a small car and only drives locally, no more motorways etc and the first time there is a mark on the car then it's gone... he seems happy with that... so far...

AChickenPooAndABiscuit · 28/12/2024 18:21

VegTrug · 28/12/2024 16:28

An 89yr old ran my older brother over on a Sunday afternoon 3 weeks ago. My brother was on a crossing, the lights were red and my brother was crossing when he should. The man never saw the lights had changed and threw my brother into the air, landing face first on the ground. Snapped his ankle, collapsed his lung, broke 6 ribs and knocked him out.
The driver is still denying he did anything wrong and the police are reluctant to prosecute based on the driver being "so old and vulnerable" it's fucking infuriating.

My mum is 80 and still driving but she goes for eyesight tests specifically for driving and is fully prepared to stop driving when she knows she can no longer do it. She's a brilliant driver and thankfully isn't yet having slower reactions.

That’s shocking… I hope your brother is on the mend soon.

soupfiend · 28/12/2024 18:32

bigboots303 · 28/12/2024 16:35

Thanks to all who responded. Its really interesting the range of views on this very tricky subject.
Right now I feel like the big bad wolf, upsetting my dear old dad and trying to bully him into stopping driving. I am feeling guilty about that.
But I just cannot understand how a frail aged person should be able to operate a car because nobody will stop him. I may be upsetting him by my pig-headed attitude, but if he causes an accident because his reactions or whatever were not fast enough at 92 years old. How could they be?
🤔

Can you set out what the evidence is that makes him an unfit driver at the moment.

soupfiend · 28/12/2024 18:35

Laughingravy · 28/12/2024 16:42

Ten years before Dad stopped we had a discussion about when that day came and he was accepting it would happen. But as the day got nearer my stepmother had a real go at anyone suggesting it. He had agreed to take an assessment but before we could sort it he had stayed out later than he usually did - so driving on country lanes in the dark - and hit a parked car. His car was written off and SM probably broke her neck and never came out of hospital/care.
Dad was all set to have his car quickly fixed and get back out there, luckily my DP knew the garage well and a word was had. Then Dad found out his NDN had a little runabout for sale, again a quiet word had.
We sorted him using the local volunteers drivers (though they now refuse trips to the local hospital) and he will reluctantly use taxis, which he can easily afford.
Yes it did diminish his life but it could have been so much worse.

@soupfiend I'm really at a loss to see why you think that's ridiculous. The elderly can be past masters at dismissing relatives concerns over all sorts of issues but will often take onboard concerns from authority figures. And if his driving is just fine then that's a result as well.

Why dont you book yourself in for one?

Original poster
bigboots303 · 28/12/2024 18:42

soupfiend · 28/12/2024 18:32

Can you set out what the evidence is that makes him an unfit driver at the moment.

Show quote history

His age and what comes with it ie frailty, balance, slower cognitive reactions.
also his lack of self awareness in all of the above.
i am no wuss, and have driven all my life, including big motorbikes and boats. But I don’t want my dad driving me anywhere.
It’s ok to get old, and driving is not a right. It’s a privilege, and one that he has had for a very long time.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 28/12/2024 18:44

OP with a 91 year old DF, I tend to agree with you but unfortunately the law thinks differently, which is why there is no blanket ban over a certain age. I really wish there was at least a reflex test that could be done on a computer at doctors or opticians on an annual basis for the over 80s. Sadly there isn't and unless you have specific concerns nobody is going to take the keys away from him unless you do it your.

soupfiend · 28/12/2024 18:45

You havent set out evidence of his cognitive deficits, you just keep saying he is too old to drive

What sort of frailty? Can he move the gear stick or operate the pedals and indicators?

Whats his balance got to do with it, Ive got terrible balance, no one has ever suggested to me I need to retake my test.

Perhaps his 'lack of self awareness' is simply that he disagrees with you, what if you're not right?

Original poster
bigboots303 · 28/12/2024 18:48

soupfiend · 28/12/2024 18:45

You havent set out evidence of his cognitive deficits, you just keep saying he is too old to drive

What sort of frailty? Can he move the gear stick or operate the pedals and indicators?

Whats his balance got to do with it, Ive got terrible balance, no one has ever suggested to me I need to retake my test.

Perhaps his 'lack of self awareness' is simply that he disagrees with you, what if you're not right?

Perhaps I am not right, you make a good point.
Or perhaps I am right.
who knows.
either way, I cannot stop him. But I will try to help him see other ways to travel.

OP posts:
YourFairCyanReader · 28/12/2024 18:53

In our experience there is little support for families who try to raise concerns about a driver's capability. DVLA refer only to the driver's self-completed form detailing their health, and a doctor's letter. GPs in our experience were entirely supportive of the drivers, even with significant physical impairments (e.g. reduced mobility meaning all movements v slow, not able to turn around to look behind) because they did not want to be the person responsible for a person losing their independence.

soupfiend · 28/12/2024 18:55

You might be right and god forbid if you are and he kills someone

All Im saying you havent really set out concrete reasons or evidence to make you feel the way you do, so either you need to manage your own feelings about it, or you set out the evidence to him such as

You have such weak legs you cant operate the pedals
You cant operate the gear stick or handbrake (see that long thread about people not using their handbrakes)
You get confused about right and left (my OH would fall into this category)
You get confused about rights of way, rules at junctions, rules at crossings, rules at roundabouts (you say you dont go out in the car with him so you cant evidence this)
Your car has evidence of scratches and dents and minor incidents on it with street furniture
You keep telling me about alteractions youve had with other drivers on the road where you were in the wrong/confused
You cant see 50m in front of you with your glasses
You cant turn your head to check mirrors
You have forgotten the highway code (see also that other thread about driving in fog where the majority dont understand the highway code and how to drive)

These are the sorts of things I might have expected you to say, are any of these present?

NotMeNoNo · 28/12/2024 18:56

Hand you noticed issues when he drives you (as a passenger)? Or just making a general point based on any 92 year old? If he drives you (passenger) a few miles and you are worried by the time you get there, then you have your answer, contact GP and DVLA. A dangerous driver is a risk to themselves and others.

ParsnipPuree · 28/12/2024 19:07

I have had the very same situation. My dad was still driving at 92 and wouldn't hear of stopping. Then unfortunately another family member of 90 had a blackout at the wheel and killed both himself and his dw.

It was devastating and I have to admit we used it to tell my dad enough was enough.

whynotwhatknot · 28/12/2024 19:12

it does depend each person is different-has he had any srapes or hit anythhing

i have balance problems doesnt affect my driving

Caterpillargirl23 · 28/12/2024 19:14

I wanted my elderly dad to stop driving. In the end offering to sell his car for him on Autotrader did the trick.
Apart from his driving ability there's the increased risk of strokes and heart attacks as an older person. If that happened whilst he was driving who would have to pick up the pieces? You probably.
Once he'd given up the car we discussed 'finishing on a high', so 60+ years of driving with no incidents. Also we discuss how much money he is saving on car tax and maintenance. He sometimes grumbles about a lack of car so I remind him of the peace of mind he has given his family by not driving anymore.
He was always a user of public transport so he's happy to use the buses and trains still. Occasionally he'll use a taxi, but he's a bit reluctant to do so even though he'd have to use a lot of taxis to get to the money saved by not owning a car.

Anothercoffeeafter3 · 28/12/2024 19:26

Could you get him a smarter car with automatic breaking? Tesla etc basically drive themselves. XC90 have just lost their no death record but still 1 death out of millions of cars.

I love driving and can't see ever giving it up unless I'm forced to, driving is a risk I'm happy to take for the fun of it.

Moveoverdarlin · 28/12/2024 19:28

AnotherVice · 28/12/2024 15:31

Throw him a tennis ball and when he fails to catch it, you tell him outright his poor reflexes will kill somebody. If that doesn't work you need to sabotage his car.

Blimey, I’m terrible at catching and I’m only 37. I would one hundred per cent fail this test.

MereDintofPandiculation · 28/12/2024 19:30

PermanentTemporary · 28/12/2024 15:45

Discuss him going for an assessment at a Regional Driving Assessment Centre www.rdac.org.uk. Tell him it's to reassure you, that youre worried sick. Maybe pay for it yourself? And if he passes their assessment, you need to accept that and back off.

Yes, this.

At the moment you think he’s a danger but you haven’t given any examples of bad driving.