How to stop 92 year old from driving

[bigboots303]

I know this has been well discussed before, so I am throwing my hat in the ring as well.
My dad is 92 years and still drives. Loves it!
I am obsessed with the idea that he should stop now. It is causing some heated debates because he is resisting my strong persuasive arguments. He doesnt want to change his habits or life, which involves lots of driving.
I love my dad and hate to upset him but I really feel his age makes him less capable at driving. The natural age-related loss of balance, coordination and slowing of reflex and reaction times make him a risk to others.
How can he possibly be a safe driver at that age? It makes no sense to me, even though he has had a fairly clean driving record.

As for his potential loss of independence, he is recently moved to a nice retirement flat close to family and plenty of taxi firms and even a regular bus from the flats to town. He could adjust I am sure. If he wanted to...
He is quite frail and doddery, which is understandable at his age. He is of sound(ish) mind and has reasonable eyesight. He is very stubborn and I am failing to get through to him. I have tried everything from reasonable debate, tough words, even begging and emotional blackmail.
To no avail. He is unmoved.

I am trying to protect others from what he could cause.
Am I being unfair on him, do you think?

This.

Have him professionally assessed and then abide by their findings.

If he has a clean record and can prove he is still competent, then he is entitled to drive.

My mother is 87 and her car is covered in dents and damage from accidents. She only travels short distances but she’s a liability. She point blank refuses to stop driving. In the end it’s up to them but I’m worried she will kill someone .

Unfortunately there’s nothing buy can do , it’s up to your father. You can’t treat him like a child and take his keys away .

Ten years before Dad stopped we had a discussion about when that day came and he was accepting it would happen. But as the day got nearer my stepmother had a real go at anyone suggesting it. He had agreed to take an assessment but before we could sort it he had stayed out later than he usually did - so driving on country lanes in the dark - and hit a parked car. His car was written off and SM probably broke her neck and never came out of hospital/care.
Dad was all set to have his car quickly fixed and get back out there, luckily my DP knew the garage well and a word was had. Then Dad found out his NDN had a little runabout for sale, again a quiet word had.
We sorted him using the local volunteers drivers (though they now refuse trips to the local hospital) and he will reluctantly use taxis, which he can easily afford.
Yes it did diminish his life but it could have been so much worse.

@soupfiend I'm really at a loss to see why you think that's ridiculous. The elderly can be past masters at dismissing relatives concerns over all sorts of issues but will often take onboard concerns from authority figures. And if his driving is just fine then that's a result as well.

I think you should feel very guilty about your approach to this. You've still not said if your dad's driving is dangerous, if he's had any accidents etc. and it seems you're basing all of this on his age. Of course people's reactions slow down as they get older, but that doesn't mean that he's no longer capable. I would feel much happier being driven by a 92 year old who is still confident in their driving than some of the feeble women who have posted on other threads on Mumsnet recently who are too nervous to drive on motorways or country lanes. As someone else has said on this thread, gettting your dad to stop driving when it's not absolutely necessary could finish him off - it definitely was the beginning of the end for my mum.

But have you actually seen any incompetence?

Has he hit anything or forgotten where he is going? Have you seen him jump lights or drive badly?

Otherwise this sounds like ageism.

Ffs the amount of agest crap posted on this thread is unbelievable including suggestions of taking away someones car keys or 'having them assessed' based on nothing more than the op's fathers age!
As an example there was a thread yesterday where someone had been caught using her mobile whilst driving... Imagine the outrage is a male had of commented on the post that she was 'obviously a dozy female driver who's brain was evidently so hormonal that her DH should take her keys away and never be allowed behind the wheel ever again?

Then why do so many countries do a check after a certain age.

If that were actually a test, I would never have been able to drive.

I think your post smacks of ageism, OP! How, specifically, do you know he is dangerous?
I went through something similar with my own father, but as he had Parkinson's it was more clear-cut that his physical abilities had diminished, so he gave up his car more willingly. His 'world' and outlook did shrink quite rapidly after that though, so be careful what you wish for.

Every time I am driving on motorways and A roads and witness poor driving it is nearly always young people at the wheel! I'm not convinced some of them have ever passed a driving test suitable for UK roads and motorways - so much speeding/ crossing lanes at high speed/ failure to signal or give way etc.

Meanwhile you will be horrified to hear that my FIL is still driving, as he lives at home, alone, and it is essential for his independence (he says).
He will be 101 next year....

i appreciate all the replies and views.
it seems that I may be being ageist and unfair to expect my dad to stop driving because he is 92.
i know that he has terrible balance and health issues and my gut feeling is that someone so frail shouldn’t be driving.
but as I am reminded, it’s nots up to me.

You don't seem to have any evidence that your dad is a bad driver, you've just decided he must be because he's 92.

Go out in the car with him and see if you're right. At least then you will have some evidence to work with. There's no point worrying yourself into a frazzle and constantly nagging him when you don't actually know if you're right.

It’s not ageist to recognise that we lose some of our faculties as we age. If he’s confident and fit to drive, then there will be no problem with his having an assessment. Someone age 90 really isn’t the same as a 70 year old. It’s time older people were assessed. Young people have already been assessed-for someone who is ninety, seventy years could have passed since they passed a driving test.

My dad is 91 soon and a capable driver. My mum on the other hand slowly stopped driving of her own accord some years back

You can report to the DVLA anonymously.Someone reported my friend out of spite.

Actually that’s not quite accurate. The stats look that way because there are many times more young drivers than elderly ones on the roads. When you adjust for accidents per mile driven, elderly drivers are far and away the worst culprits.
My experience of elderly rellies has been that they are usually in complete denial of their decreasing reflexes and ability to competently handle a car.

Do the lack of balance and health issues actually affect his driving? it’s not as simple as a 90 year old shouldn’t drive or we would all have our licences revoked at that age.

What aspects of his driving are causing you to be concerned? What have you experienced when travelling with him that makes you think he’s not safe?

It’s just his age. I don’t let him drive me. I don’t feel safe being driven by someone so frail. He is in denial about all his health problems and even the fact that he got scammed by various characters (rogue builders, phone scammers etc). I am continually playing catch up trying to fix the damage. He defiantly deflects and tells me I am wrong, as he gets himself into dangerous situations. So with the driving, I am trying to prevent a crisis. As any car crisis could be terrible for others.

This. My parent's Consultant suggested this after diagnosis. Duly organised. My parent no longer drives.

@bigboots303 my Dad was fit to drive when very elderly and was one of the few I felt safe as a passenger with. He voluntarily decided to give up when he thought he was ‘past it’ (his words) and I thought he was still better than most drivers, but he was of the view the right thing to do was to stop. Go out with him and see what you think?

It sounds as if it's not in fact his age exactly, it's his poor cognition and reduced physical strength. Those are perfectly good reasons to be concerned. I think let go of the age argument and focus on something like reaction times.

How much is his insurance? My DCousin gave up at 90 as the premium was astronomical.

Has he had an eyesight test with the last 12 months?

I might have missed it in your post, but is his driving actually bad?

I know my 88 year old MIL is objectively a much better driver than some of DS’s 18 year old friends.

Is he actually unsafe? My mum drove up to the age of 88. Then had 2 accidents in the space of 6 months. Both times she probably pressed the accelerator instead of the brake in her little automatic car.

Only hurt herself and not someone else. She gave up after the police and ambulance people gently spoke to her about it.

My step father easily passed one of the tests at an assessment centre but was too unsafe to drive within a month (he had dementia). So they are not at all reliable.