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Elderly parents

FIL wants to go into a home - but he’s medically fine!

243 replies

rickyrickygrimes · 18/12/2024 21:17

He’s lonely, has some forgetfulness (but no dementia etc), no major physical conditions except a bad hip which is not bad enough to be on a waiting list for a replacement. He’s had a complete medical and memory check up very recently, and they haven’t found anything other than the above. He has been put on anxiety meds.

He basically wants to go into a home because he doesn’t want to look after himself. He’s never had to in his life, and frankly he hates it. He lives alone, with my SIL providing his food , doing some housework / ironing etc and visiting 3-4 times a week. But for him, it’s not enough.

He wants someone else to do all his housework, do his laundry, provide his food, give him company, and bring him a cup of tea and some cake every two hours. He can’t drive any more, and is refusing to use taxis. He’s spent the last 5 years visiting Mil in her nursing home, and it looks to him like the ideal solution. The big difference is, of course, that Mil had advanced Parkinson’s, osteoporosis and dementia when she went in - so social services agreed that there was no alternative, and she has been fully funded in a very care home.

FIL went to visit her today, and told his woes to one of the nurses. She said he’s welcome to move in whenever he wants, no waiting list for him 🙄

am I right in thinking that he will be self funding? Because there is no medical need for him to be in residential care and any care assessment would confirm that he doesn’t need to be in residential care?

and if he is self funding, what would happen after his money runs out approximately 1,5 years later 🙄

OP posts:
DowntonCrabbie · 19/12/2024 11:58

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 10:45

Doesn’t sound like she cares about him from the post. More like she cares about him spending his own money…

Then you read it wrong

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 12:04

magicalmrmistoffelees · 19/12/2024 11:56

She wouldn’t have bothered asking on here if she didn’t care about where he ends up, surely?
It’s fine to get exasperated with relatives sometime, it can be stressful helping to care for them as they age.

I imagine she is worried about having to a) stump up the fees and/ or b) having to take on responsibility of his care or him moving in with them.

magicalmrmistoffelees · 19/12/2024 12:07

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 12:04

I imagine she is worried about having to a) stump up the fees and/ or b) having to take on responsibility of his care or him moving in with them.

She probably is, yes. Who wouldn’t be? Those things would be a challenge for a lot of people.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/12/2024 12:15

Foreigners88 · 18/12/2024 21:43

I don't get that. How she was entitled to fully funded care

Is it just that the house didn't have to be sold because FiL is still living in it? If he wasn't, the house would be sold and after that she would be funded by the local authority?

Heretobenosy · 19/12/2024 12:25

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 11:51

Well, so be it. He either has the capacity to decide how to spend his money, or he doesn’t? If he has capacity then all family can do is explain what will happen when the money runs out i.e. they will not cover the bill and he is at the mercy of the local authority. Judging by the way the OP speaks about her FIL, I don’t think she is bothered about what kind of home he ends up in.

What a bizarre attitude to have. So you think it’s reasonable for a man to sell his home, use that money to fund a care home placement he doesn’t need, only to end up homeless and ineligible for social care funding in 18months, and think his family should butt out and not try and intervene in this terrible decision?

He will then end up in a placement he doesn’t need, while he waits on the housing register, if the local authority fund while he waits, they will continue to take in to account his savings under 23000 and his income and so will continue to make him pay a substantial contribution to his care costs, which means when he leaves the home and gets in to a council accommodation he will need to rely on his family to refurbish his property or apply to charities for second hand stuff. Because where’s he going to keep his belongings when he sells his house?

all of this is very distressing and difficult situation for him and his family. All because his family didn’t intervene?

Heretobenosy · 19/12/2024 12:27

Gwenhwyfar · 19/12/2024 12:15

Is it just that the house didn't have to be sold because FiL is still living in it? If he wasn't, the house would be sold and after that she would be funded by the local authority?

She may also have been entitled to CHC funding due to complex needs, and that isn’t means tested

countrygirl99 · 19/12/2024 12:53

If he went into the home and ended up on the social housing list after 18 months. Not only would he have to move which would be distressing but unless he had put his stuff into storage he would only have his clothes and a few photos/ keepsakes that he'd taken to the home for his room. Not so much as a mug to have a cup of tea in.

DowntonCrabbie · 19/12/2024 13:55

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 12:04

I imagine she is worried about having to a) stump up the fees and/ or b) having to take on responsibility of his care or him moving in with them.

Maybe stop imagining malicious things that aren't there?

PancakesTmrw · 19/12/2024 14:15

Not wishing to divert the thread but I’m in my early 60s, with some health issues, and some days I’m so tired I think somewhere nice and quiet where I could be looked after sounds quite appealing! Meals cooked, cleaning done, peaceful environment.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/12/2024 14:21

He could maybe afford a private retirement flat with warden attached and common room. My nana lived in one of these for a few years but though they sell on afterwards they aren’t a wise investment. Or sheltered housing.

safetyfreak · 19/12/2024 14:23

Also, once his money runs out... do the care home accept local authroity rate? if not, he be moved to LA funded Care Home which may not be as nice.

Heretobenosy · 19/12/2024 14:45

PancakesTmrw · 19/12/2024 14:15

Not wishing to divert the thread but I’m in my early 60s, with some health issues, and some days I’m so tired I think somewhere nice and quiet where I could be looked after sounds quite appealing! Meals cooked, cleaning done, peaceful environment.

Trust me when I say you will not get that in a care home

Gwenhwyfar · 19/12/2024 16:55

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/12/2024 14:21

He could maybe afford a private retirement flat with warden attached and common room. My nana lived in one of these for a few years but though they sell on afterwards they aren’t a wise investment. Or sheltered housing.

Yes, but sheltered housing doesn't provide all your cleaning, laundry and cooking done, which seems to be what FiL wants.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/12/2024 17:00

Gwenhwyfar · 19/12/2024 16:55

Yes, but sheltered housing doesn't provide all your cleaning, laundry and cooking done, which seems to be what FiL wants.

None of the options I mentioned provide what the FIL wants apart from a care home.

OP couldn’t your FIL get the prepared meals like Farm Foods or supermarket ready meals or Cook?

BruFord · 19/12/2024 17:03

Gwenhwyfar · 19/12/2024 16:55

Yes, but sheltered housing doesn't provide all your cleaning, laundry and cooking done, which seems to be what FiL wants.

@Gwenhwyfar Many places have a restaurant onsite though and you can employ someone to do your cleaning and housekeeping. My Dad has food deliveries and also likes to cook, but he has someone who comes in two hours a week to put on his washing and do some cleaning. My Dad’s more willing to do household tasks than this gentleman, but he can always pay for more help if he wants.

It’s not difficult to find help, as many people have it in retirement communities, we just asked the manager for recommendations.

LindorDoubleChoc · 19/12/2024 17:04

It would be a lot cheaper for him to have a housekeeper come in for, say, 3 hours twice a week to do all his cleaning and laundry - plus those frozen microwave meals which you can order fortnightly or monthly.

Or move to a warden controlled complex which often have an optional main meal of the day cooked on the premises.

BruFord · 19/12/2024 17:06

Exactly @LindorDoubleChoc.

Waterweight · 19/12/2024 18:07

Isn't this the whole over 50's retirement set up in alot of countries ?

I'm not against it at all being lonely & bored can lead to poor mental health

What is it your against (if you are!) actually ?

treadingonlego · 19/12/2024 18:13

safetyfreak · 19/12/2024 14:23

Also, once his money runs out... do the care home accept local authroity rate? if not, he be moved to LA funded Care Home which may not be as nice.

As has already been pointed out multiple times, if he is assessed to not need care home provision when his money runs out, then the LA won't fund it.

OP, I would be surprised if any care home would accept him without assessed needs. They will all have criterias to be met.

StormingNorman · 19/12/2024 19:37

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 10:45

Doesn’t sound like she cares about him from the post. More like she cares about him spending his own money…

It sounds nothing of the sort. More concerned about what happens in 18 months when he’s run out of money, has no assets and nowhere to live.

SnoopysHoose · 19/12/2024 19:51

@Waterweight
He doesn't have enough £, also he's lovely yet will not take part in anything, he has to be responsible for himself

SnoopysHoose · 19/12/2024 19:56

*lonely

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/12/2024 20:32

Would he employ a housekeeper/pa/companion? Would cost a lot less than 1200 a week!

SardinesOnGingerbread · 19/12/2024 21:07

Dear Mumsnet,
When my FiL was 81 he decided to move into an expensive care home for lots of reasons that were meaningful to him. We thought it was a bad idea as he didn't have enough to last two years. Still, he had capacity and everyone told us we were being mean and preventing a poor old man from living his best life. Well, the cash lasted better than we thought but he's 84 now and still pretty healthy and he has to leave the care home. He's been declared at risk of homelessness, so the council have offered him a hostel place until a suitable property turns up for him. The hostel looks frightening and it's fairly far from where we live. He is refusing to go there because there won't be anyone there to serve him tea and cakes. What should we do?

Half of Mumsnet - You should have advised him when he still owned a house! You've let him down.
The other half of Mumsnet - You can't let a poor old man live in a hostel! You'll have to take him to live with you and serve him tea and cakes and be his carer as he ages.
The third half of Mumsnet - Why are you complaining about this problem? It's not your problem. He made his choices and now you're being all dramatic about it being a problem.

Deeperthantheocean · 19/12/2024 21:25

Does he fancy a long cruise maybe? Cheaper I imagine. X

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