FIL wants to go into a home - but he’s medically fine!

[rickyrickygrimes]

He’s lonely, has some forgetfulness (but no dementia etc), no major physical conditions except a bad hip which is not bad enough to be on a waiting list for a replacement. He’s had a complete medical and memory check up very recently, and they haven’t found anything other than the above. He has been put on anxiety meds.

He basically wants to go into a home because he doesn’t want to look after himself. He’s never had to in his life, and frankly he hates it. He lives alone, with my SIL providing his food , doing some housework / ironing etc and visiting 3-4 times a week. But for him, it’s not enough.

He wants someone else to do all his housework, do his laundry, provide his food, give him company, and bring him a cup of tea and some cake every two hours. He can’t drive any more, and is refusing to use taxis. He’s spent the last 5 years visiting Mil in her nursing home, and it looks to him like the ideal solution. The big difference is, of course, that Mil had advanced Parkinson’s, osteoporosis and dementia when she went in - so social services agreed that there was no alternative, and she has been fully funded in a very care home.

FIL went to visit her today, and told his woes to one of the nurses. She said he’s welcome to move in whenever he wants, no waiting list for him 🙄

am I right in thinking that he will be self funding? Because there is no medical need for him to be in residential care and any care assessment would confirm that he doesn’t need to be in residential care?

and if he is self funding, what would happen after his money runs out approximately 1,5 years later 🙄

Sheltered housing doesn't run after you, the coffee morning are usually run by residents, the one I am familiar with only has a manager on site during office hours, any care is provided by individual carers to a specific person, no staff for cooking , cleaning etc

Do you have Mens sheds in the area -place for men to get together and chat and build things -run by volunteers I think.

Visitors to care homes see the best of them. Not saying they are cruel just a bit more chatty when you pop in for an hour. Much of the time the staff are v busy.

You could try advertising for someone to bring him a nice lunch and sandwich for tea daily. I advertised for a dog walker for DMs dog when she couldn’t manage, got several offers. A cleaner - someone to have a cuppa with.
What are his finances.

a pub near DM did half price lunches for pensioners. Ask around he needs to get out if he can

He doesn't have the money though. That's OPs worry. He can cover a year or so and then won't be able to afford the care.

Why? If FIL understands that they will not foot the bill then that’s up to him.
Why is OP trying to dictate how her husband’s father spends his money?

Some sheltered schemes have lunch clubs, coffee mornings, knit and natter, tea in the afternoon, the residents arrange day coach trips. It really depends on the scheme and what the residents want. Others don't have so many activities, the residents basically have their own flat/ bungalow but few or no communal activities. Why don't you ask the local authority what sort of accommodation they have and take it from there?

There are lots of retirement villages near me where everyone owns their own home and the complex has a cafe (which often does delivery too), swimming pool, wardens who come to your flat/house when needed, organised activities. They look really good fun.

She has significant health care needs so likely was eligible for Continuing Health Care funding.

OP's father-in-law has no nursing needs, so to be fair this home is likely an unsuitable placement anyway. I suspect the nurse was making a well-intentioned lighthearted remark which FiL has taken as a verbatim invitation/ permission to move in.

It sounds like a residential care setting or a complex would be better, although there'd still be the concern of how his funding would continue. I wonder if him visiting somewhere and having the numbers put to him would help him to weigh up how feasible (or unfeasible!) his plans are @rickyrickygrimes ?

Some of us care about elderly relatives and try and look after them
Clearly a novel concept to many judging by this thread 🤷‍♀️

Because the house is disregarded when there is a spouse living in it. Otherwise you’d have lots of homeless elderly people just because they were unfortunate to have been married to someone who got ill.

the problem will be explaining to him why MIL was entitled to fully funded care, and that he will not be

Does he have cognitive difficulties? If you sat him down and explained how much money he could raise, how much money the care home costs and that this would run out after a year or two, would he genuinely not understand that?

Exactly this, unless his cognitive difficulties are more severe than you suggest in your OP surely it’s just a case of telling him why his wife qualified for funding and he doesn’t?

My great aunt went into council funded sheltered accommodation when my gran (whom she lived with) died. It was fantastic. She had her own little flat, and they had a big dining room if she didn’t fancy cooking, a big sitting room, and evening activities. She loved it there. The warden used to check up on everyone in the morning and have a chat and a cup of tea with people. The home was right by a bus stop, so those who wanted could get into town. It sounds like this sort of set up would work for your FIL?

Doesn’t sound like she cares about him from the post. More like she cares about him spending his own money…

Unless he's like my FIL was. Who obstinately refused to believe anything that didn't fit with what he wanted and believed his gobshite mates who spouted rubbish about his entitlements because they told him what he wanted to hear. No cognitive difficulties just bloody stubborn and entitled.

Sounds like she cares about whether he will end up homeless because he isn't thinking straight.

He won’t be made homeless. They aren’t going to turf him out on the street. They will help him with applications with social housing, or for the cost of care to be transferred to the local authority, which might well happen if he’s losing his capacity.

The advice will be different if the FIL is 65 or 90. Please tell us, OP!

That isn’t what she sounds like at all.

This is what I was going to say. My dad sold up and moved into a rented apartment in a sheltered complex owned by a charitable trust. He had a call bell but if he pulled it they’d just ring me. When he died while he was literally on the phone speaking to me, I couldn’t even get someone from the on site nursing home to pop across the lawn and check on him.

Which will all be very distressing for him. And my experience of "help" from social services for the elderly has been very variable. Where ILs lived SS and Age UK where very good. Where my parents live SS are terrible and Age UK don't have local help and only send you leaflets having taken 3 days to get back to your voice message/email.

Slightly off-topic, OP, but has Power of Attorney been set up for you and / or your sister? Preferably both types.If not, it is vital that this is done as soon as possible while your DF is still able to authorise it.

You have a lot of decisions to make now, and your father will be increasingly relying on you to put things in place, and without PoAs, that will be many times more complicated.

Good luck.
I have a very elderly parent who is finding it increasing difficult to cope alone any more, both emotionally and physically, so i know how stressful it is trying to decide what steps to take, and many of the great suggestions on here just wouldn't work for her.

He is unlikely to end up homeless, but in that situation he could easily end up in one of the worst homes there is, with neither he nor his daughters having any say in the matter!

could you not get him a home help or a housekeeper that comes in a couple days a week, does his shopping, his washing, changes the beds, cooks him some meals, or pay for a private carer that comes in once or twice a day to do this and make his meals, do the washing up, etc. Like a private carer.

https://www.elder.org/why-elder/live-in-care/?infinity=ict2~net~gaw~cmp~14816129960~ag~141659566496~ar~621671759172~kw~elder%20care%20uk~mt~e~acr~1692087908&&utm_source=Google&utm_medium=&utm_campaign=google_brand&utm_term=elder%20care%20uk&campaignid=14816129960&adgroupid=141659566496&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIh-CmseCzigMVSIBQBh0bMys8EAAYASAAEgK2zfD_BwE

Well, so be it. He either has the capacity to decide how to spend his money, or he doesn’t? If he has capacity then all family can do is explain what will happen when the money runs out i.e. they will not cover the bill and he is at the mercy of the local authority. Judging by the way the OP speaks about her FIL, I don’t think she is bothered about what kind of home he ends up in.

She wouldn’t have bothered asking on here if she didn’t care about where he ends up, surely?
It’s fine to get exasperated with relatives sometime, it can be stressful helping to care for them as they age.